Category Archives: humor

March 20, 2018 · 8:02 am

MOCK HEADLINES: MARCH 20th

hillary-drink-in-handA DRUNK AND INCOHERENT HILLARY CLINTON PRAISES THE LATE STEPHEN HAWKING FOR FOUNDING THE X-MEN

DEMOCRATS DEMAND THAT ELECTIONS BE REPLACED BY A PANEL OF CELEBRITIES WHO DECIDE ON THE NEXT PRESIDENT

DEMOCRATS OFFER ALTERNATIVE SYSTEM IN WHICH ONLY PEOPLE WHO MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS PER YEAR OR MORE ARE ALLOWED TO VOTE

HILLARY SAYS SHE’S OPEN TO PERMITTING SOME POOR PEOPLE TO LIVE, BUT ONLY UNDER CERTAIN CONDITIONS

ISOLATED, HEAVILY POPULATED POCKETS OF BLOATED RICH PIGS AND POMPOUS SNOBS STILL INSIST THEY SHOULD RULE THE COUNTRY 

mapAMERICA’S THIRD-WORLD LEVEL CORRUPT GOVERNMENT STILL PRETENDING THAT DE FACTO THIRD PARTY PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP IS THE CROOK, NOT THEM

HILLARY CLINTON VOWS TO KEEP REVISING HER HATRED OF THE POOR AND THE WORKING CLASS UNTIL SHE FINDS A WAY OF EXPRESSING IT THAT WORKS POLITICALLY

UNINFORMED, SHALLOW PEOPLE WHO CAN’T EVEN NAME THEIR OWN SENATOR OR HOUSE REPS STILL THINK PRESIDENT TRUMP IS THE ANTICHRIST

DEMOCRATS DEMAND THAT HOSPITALS REFUSE TREATMENT TO ANYONE SUSPECTED OF VOTING FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP; ANTIFA COWARDS SAVAGELY BEAT ANYONE WHO DISAGREES #LOVEWINS 

NATION STILL REJOICING THAT NEITHER HILLARY CLINTON NOR JEB BUSH GOT ELECTED PRESIDENT

BLOATED RICH PIGS AGREE THAT THEY HATE PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR THE SAME REASONS THEY HATED FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT

HILLARY BLAMES HER CONSTANT FALLS ON TRUMP’S INVISIBLE, NON-EXISTENT RUSSIAN COLLABORATORS Continue reading →

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March 14, 2018 · 8:25 pm

MOCK HEADLINES: MARCH 14th

hillary yellingMURKY MUELLER AND HIS FUNKY BUNCH OF HILLARY DONORS INSIST THEY NEED AN ADDITIONAL SIX YEARS TO DETERMINE WHAT ROLE IF ANY PRESIDENT TRUMP PLAYED IN STEPHEN HAWKING’S DEATH

HILLARY CLINTON, FAILED PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, TELLS AUDIENCE IN INDIA SHE WOULD LOVE TO EXTERMINATE AMERICA’S “UNTOUCHABLES”

SPOILED IDIOT ROBERT DE NIRO STILL REFUSES TO DONATE MORE MONEY TO CHARITY; SAYS POOR PEOPLE VOTED FOR TRUMP SO TO HELL WITH THEM!

MURKY MUELLER AND HIS FUNKY BUNCH OF HILLARY DONORS INSIST THEY NEED AN ADDITIONAL TEN YEARS TO DETERMINE WHAT ROLE IF ANY WAKANDAN INTERFERENCE PLAYED IN THE 2016 ELECTION

TOOR-CHUR!

“TOOR-chur!”

RAND PAUL INSISTS GINA HASPEL ENJOYED TORTURE AND EROTICALLY TRAMPLING HIM DURING THEIR DATES TOGETHER, THEN ADDS “SHE’S BEEN NOMINATED FOR SOMETHING? … OH, SORRY”

JIMMY KIMMEL HOPES ALL WORKING CLASS PEOPLE WHOSE JOBS HAVE BEEN SAVED BY PRESIDENT TRUMP DIE OF CANCER #LOVEWINS

NANCY PELOSI AND BERNIE SANDERS BLAME PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR DIVIDING AMERICANS INTO “THESE THINGS CALLED BRACKETS”

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March 12, 2018 · 9:00 am

OBAMA’S PRESIDENTIAL PORTRAIT: THE ARGUING CONTINUES

Urkel

UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

Wow, weeks later and people are still arguing about the recently-unveiled presidential portrait of the weak, inept and crooked little man named Barack Obama.

Personally, I think it looks GREAT! I mean look at it! (left) It perfectly captures Barry in every way, shape and form.

I know a lot of Obama devotees are angry about the way the little dolt is embarrassedly hiding his six fingered hand but that look on his face perfectly captures Barack.

I think the people who DO have a point are the ones who revealed that the hate-mongering hack who painted Obama’s portrait usually churns out paintings of people beheading other people. (I’m NOT kidding with that, by the way.)

Yes, Barack, lecture the world about hate while you have your portrait painted by a piece of garbage who often does Decapitation Porn.

Anyway, it’s no secret that Barack Obama was America’s worst president ever, narrowly beating out George W Bush, so here’s a look back at some of the things that Obama ridiculously tried to take credit for.

OBAMA: IT’S ALL PART OF HIS DEMAGOGUE FANTASY – Continue reading →

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March 7, 2018 · 9:47 am

JIMMY KIMMEL: THE BALLADEER’S BLOG INTERVIEW

Jimmy Kimmell fat pigJimmy Kimmel, known as “that guy from The Man Show” and as “the wimp people love to hate” has been begging me to interview him for years now. I kept putting him off, given his reputation for grotesque body odor.

Finally I decided I could end the annoyance once and for all with a wager. I bet Kimmel that he couldn’t POSSIBLY get even lower ratings for the Harvey Weinstein Awards than the pathetic dweeb who hosted them last year. If he did, I would interview him. If not, I never had to interview him. Jimmy jumped at the bet.

Turns out he was the repugnant douchebag who hosted them last year! Needless to say, since garbage like Kimmel reeks more and more the longer it sits and festers he got much, much MUCH lower ratings than the previous year.

Anyway, I don’t welch on bets (which I understand is what Jimmy Kimmel’s mother said to the three-time animal-rapist who knocked her up with Jimmy in the first place) so I agreed to finally interview Kimmel to swat him away once and for all. So, let’s deal with this hack who cries himself to sleep every night over the fact that he’ll never be as daring, funny and iconoclastic as Steven Crowder. 

BY THE WAY, THE REPULSIVE JIMMY KIMMEL STILL REFUSES TO DONATE MORE MONEY TO CHARITY. WHAT A GREEDY SCUMBAG.

Balladeer’s Blog: So, Jimmy, looks like you did the seeming impossible and got even LOWER ratings than last year for your performance at this year’s presentation of Rapists and Child Molestors Against Trump.

Jimmy Kimmel: Yeah. I hate that Trump guy. He got all those beautiful women all his life and the only woman-ish thing I’ve ever managed to score with is that horse-faced Sarah Silverman. Every day and night I think about that and that’s what fuels my monomaniacal hatred of the Donald.  

BB: It’s possible if you showered every now and then or didn’t look so creepy all the time with that half-assed attempt at a beard you might be able to attract an acceptable looking woman.

JK: Personal hygiene is for the in-bred morons who voted for Trump. They’re all so stupid it’s like, what a bunch of stupid-headed stupid heads. I used to BEG Trump to fix me up with women but he always refused.

BB: Do you think your bizarre fixation on President Trump is healthy?

JK: Hell, yeah! In the entertainment industry today even somebody as untalented and unappealing as I am can make okay bucks as long as I bash Trump. It’s like, NONE of the celebrities that I pay to talk to me can believe that American scumbags voted for this guy. Continue reading →

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February 28, 2018 · 1:10 am

TOP ODDLY-NAMED BANDS OF THE PAST

Mascot new lookIf I ever formed a rock band of my own I would, needless to say, base the name on something from Bad Movie Lore. Something like Renegade Belgian Cardinals – based on a line of dialogue from the Serial-Killer Priest flick The Confessional.

Putting that aside here’s a quick Balladeer’s Blog list of Oddly-Named Bands of the Past. It’s strictly for people who sometimes wake up at 3am and wonder if Gene was only pretending to love Jezebel.

Trash Can SinatrasTHE TRASH CAN SINATRAS

When you hear the name Sinatra you immediately think of … Scotland? Well, no you don’t, but that’s where this band hailed from.

Used in a Sentence: “The Trash Can Sinatras is a hell of a mean-spirited way of referring to Nancy and Tina!”

FRONT 242

For decades this band was known as THE influence in Belgian Industrial Rock, complete with all the massive cultural firepower that implies. (Oh, sure, Balladeer, pick on the Belgians!)

Used in a Sentence: “You fight the front 242 … I’ll handle the 243rd guy back there.” Continue reading →

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February 25, 2018 · 1:29 am

MOCK HEADLINES ARE BACK: FEBRUARY 25th

mascot new look donkey and elephant headsMURKY MUELLER INSISTS IT’S HIS RIGHT TO KEEP HIS PHONY INVESTIGATION GOING LONG ENOUGH TO LEAK UNSUBSTANTIATED INFO SO AS TO INFLUENCE THE MID-TERM ELECTIONS

JIMMY KIMMEL DEMANDS THAT VICTIMS OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT VIOLENCE SHOULD BE DEPORTED, NOT THE ILLEGALS WHO ASSAULTED THEM

MCMASTERS VOWS TO HOLD ALL FUTURE PRESS CONFERENCES FROM A SEATED POSITION WHILE STROKING A WHITE CAT

FBI CLAIMS IT WAS TOO BUSY WITH ITS ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES TO STOP THE FLORIDA SHOOTER DESPITE MULTIPLE WARNINGS ABOUT HIM

FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP, WIFE OF UNITED STATES PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP, STILL SPEAKS MORE LANGUAGES THAN BOTH OBAMAS COMBINED

DEMOCRATS CLAIM EXPERTS HAVE PROVEN THAT THEY ARE THE ONLY DECENT AND CARING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD AND ANYONE DISAGREEING WITH THEM IS GUILTY OF HATE SPEECH

Holocaust survivor on fascismA TEARY-EYED NANCY PELOSI DECLARES BARACK OBAMA TO BE “AS WRONGLY SUSPECTED OF ILLEGALITIES AS JOHN GOTTI WAS!”

GOTTI FAMILY ANNOUNCES LAWSUIT OVER PELOSI COMPARING THE LATE MAFIA DON TO THE SLEAZY, SLIMY CROOK OBAMA

CNN CLAIMS NO CHILD’S PETS WOULD EVER DIE IF NOT FOR TRUMP

ROGER GOODELL BOASTS ABOUT HOW EASY IT WAS TO DISTRACT MEDIA WORMS FROM TALKING ABOUT ALL THE RAPISTS AND WOMAN-BEATERS IN THE NFL

JARED KUSHNER STILL A BUFFOON, EXPERTS SAY

DEMOCRATS CALL FOR IT TO BE A HATE CRIME TO PUBLICLY MOURN THE VICTIMS OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS WHO COMMIT MURDER

CALIFORNIA INTRODUCES NEW COURTROOM PROCEDURE IN WHICH ANYONE ACCUSED OF ANY CRIME WILL BE PARDONED AND SET FREE AS LONG AS THEY MAKE A PUBLIC STATEMENT AGAINST PRESIDENT TRUMP. Speaking fees, book deals and glowing appearances on all Democrat talk shows add allure to the deal Continue reading →

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February 17, 2018 · 8:46 pm

PRESIDENTIAL LOSERS: PROS AND CONS

mascot new look donkey and elephant headsHappy Presidents Day Weekend! Over the years Balladeer’s Blog’s irreverent, tongue-in-cheek looks at the pros and cons of U.S. Presidents have been among my most visited items.

For a change of pace here’s a look at the pros and cons of the LOSERS who were left in a defeated heap enroute to the Oval Office. In reverse order:

hillary-clinton-haitiHILLARY CLINTON (Lost to President Donald Trump)

Motto: “When the money keeps rolling in (to your fake charity), what’s a girl to do? Skim a little (well, quite a lot, actually) off the top for expenses wouldn’t you?”

Nickname: The Rapist’s Wife/ Crooked Hillary 

Hillary clinton dough nationPro: Her childish refusal to address her own supporters the night Donald Trump utterly humiliated her provided a look at how truly petty, shallow and classless she is. 

Con: She and her fascist followers tried to threaten the members of the Electoral College into casting their votes for her instead of Trump, thereby reaching the absolute lowest and most disgusting level that any American politician has ever sunk to. 

MITT ROMNEY (Lost to Obama)

Motto: “Pushing women back to the Fifties … the EIGHTEEN fifties!”

Nickname: The Mormon Mondale/ Ol’ Sploog Face (tie)

Pro: His even more pathetic running mate Paul Ryan actually made him look good by comparison. 

Con: Was so thoroughly inept he managed to lose to Barack Obama even after voters saw what a disaster he was.

John Mccain cheatingJOHN MCCAIN (Lost to Obama)

Motto: “I didn’t spend years in the pockets of the McCain Foundation’s billionaire donors just to watch a candidate even MORE deeply in their pockets beat me … but once Barack did I was happy to kiss his butt!” Continue reading →

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February 16, 2018 · 11:18 pm

U.S. PRESIDENTS FROM EISENHOWER TO TRUMP

It’s Presidents Day Weekend! Here are some takes on the more recent presidents.  

EisenhowerDWIGHT EISENHOWER

Character Type: Well-meaning but befuddled sitcom grandfather.

Military Service: World War One and World War Two

Motto: “FOOORE!” (Remember,  the traditional cry as you’re teeing off in golf? Oh, never mind!)

Nickname: Uncle Milty

Pro: Knew enough to distrust Richard Nixon long before it became the national pasttime. 

Con: Was the first president to pronounce nuclear as “nucular”.

john f kennedyJOHN F KENNEDY

Character Type: Rich playboy who disdained both Liberals and Conservatives and played by his own rules.

Military Service: World War Two

Motto: “Thank God for television!”

Nickname: FDR  

Pro: The man was shrewd enough to distrust both liberals and conservatives equally. I can’t praise that attitude highly enough given our present circumstances. 

Con: Continue reading →

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February 10, 2018 · 6:50 am

POLITICAL CARTOONS: A FEW OF THE LATEST

With daily revelations about the Uranium One Scandal and the way Obama used governmental agencies against political opponents here’s a few light-hearted political cartoons about the ongoing mess and the corporate media’s role in abetting the cover-ups.

see no evil ...

And here’s Obama as Nixon …

Richard Nixon

 

 

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February 6, 2018 · 12:03 am

VICE PRESIDENTS: JOKES ABOUT THESE ULTIMATE SECOND BANANAS

John Adams

With President’s Day coming up soon here’s the first of many seasonal posts.

John Adams called the Vice Presidency “the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived.” A very old joke went “Once there were two brothers. One ran away to sea and the other became Vice President. Neither was ever heard from again.”

In George S Kaufman’s and Morrie Ryskind’s classic stage work Of Thee I Sing one of the characters turns down an offer to be Vice President because he’s ashamed to have his mother know. He’s persuaded to accept the office when it’s pointed out that if he doesn’t tell her about it she’ll never find out.

The office has featured eminently forgettable figures as well as comic relief buffoons like Dan “The Global Village Idiot” Quayle and Joe “Koo Koo For Cocoa Puffs” Biden. In the light-hearted style of Balladeer’s Blog’s look at U.S. Presidents here’s a look at the men who got to hang around and see if the country’s Chief Executive wound up six feet under. I’m omitting VP’s who went on to actually become President, so no John Adams or Thomas Jefferson, etc. 

aaron-burrAARON BURR

Served Under: Jefferson 

Noted for: Shooting dead more Treasury Secretaries and hatching more plots to start his own country than any other Vice President. (So far, anyway.)

Best Burr Quote: “I’m still searching for the real killers of Alexander Hamilton.” 

GEORGE CLINTON

Served Under: Jefferson and Madison

Noted for: P-Funk and Funkadelic Leading American Rebel forces against the British troops of his loyalist cousin Sir Henry Clinton during the Revolutionary War.

Best Clinton Quote: “Do fries go with that shake?”

Elbridge GerryELBRIDGE GERRY

Served Under: Madison

Noted for: Pioneering the method of “Gerrymandering” political districts in a way that the modern day Democrats and Republicans have raised to a mainstay in the world of white collar crime which they inhabit.

Best Gerry Quote: “I’ll be immortalized as the man who invented Elbridge-mandering!”

DANIEL D TOMPKINS

Served Under: Monroe Continue reading →

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