Category Archives: humor

February 14, 2019 · 5:18 pm

PRESIDENTIAL LOSERS: PROS AND CONS

mascot new look donkey and elephant headsIn the spirit of Balladeer’s Blog’s irreverent, tongue-in-cheek looks at the pros and cons of U.S. Presidents and Vice Presidents here’s another post for the upcoming Presidents Day three-day weekend. 

It’s my tongue-in-cheek look at the pros and cons of the LOSERS who were left in a defeated heap enroute to the Oval Office. In reverse order back to just before Tilden:

hillary-clinton-haitiHILLARY CLINTON (Lost to President Donald Trump)

Motto: “When the money keeps rolling in (to your fake charity), what’s a girl to do? Skim a little (well, quite a lot, actually) off the top for expenses wouldn’t you?”

Nickname: The Rapist’s Wife/ Crooked Hillary 

Hillary clinton dough nationPro: Her childish refusal to address her own supporters the night Donald Trump utterly humiliated her provided a look at how truly petty, shallow and classless she is. 

Con: She and her fascist followers tried to threaten the members of the Electoral College into casting their votes for her instead of Trump, thereby reaching the absolute lowest and most disgusting level that any American politician has ever sunk to. 

MITT ROMNEY (Lost to Obama)

Motto: “Pushing women back to the Fifties … the EIGHTEEN fifties!”

Nickname: The Mormon Mondale/ Ol’ Sploog Face (tie)

Pro: His even more pathetic running mate Paul Ryan actually made him look good by comparison.  Continue reading →

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February 12, 2019 · 10:00 am

AMERICAN PRESIDENTS EISENHOWER THROUGH TRUMP

Mascot with demo and repub headsThe three-day President’s Day holiday weekend is fast approaching. 

Here’s one of my biggest hits – a tongue-in-cheek look at U.S. Presidents from Eisenhower to Trump filled with insults and pot-shots directed at both Democrats and Republicans.

  

EisenhowerDWIGHT EISENHOWER

Character Type: Well-meaning but befuddled sitcom grandfather.

Military Service: World War One and World War Two

Motto: “FOOORE!” (Remember,  the traditional cry as you’re teeing off in golf? Oh, never mind!)

Nickname: Uncle Milty

Pro: Knew enough to distrust Richard Nixon long before it became the national pasttime. 

Con: Was the first president to pronounce nuclear as “nucular”.

john f kennedyJOHN F KENNEDY

Character Type: Rich playboy who disdained both Liberals and Conservatives and played by his own rules.

Military Service: World War Two

Motto: “Thank God for television!”

Nickname: FDR  

Pro: The man was shrewd enough to distrust both liberals and conservatives equally. I can’t praise that attitude highly enough given our present circumstances. 

Con:  I can’t find out what happened to this guy. Anybody hear anything?  Continue reading →

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February 8, 2019 · 4:11 pm

HORROR HOST HALL OF FAME: BALLOT FOR THE 2019 INDUCTEES

Regular readers of Balladeer’s Blog are familiar with my fondness for the old, old Movie Host shows. Here is the ballot for 2019 which lets you select your five nominees for the Horror Host Hall of Fame. VOTING ENDS FEBRUARY 15th SO JUST ONE WEEK LEFT!

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February 6, 2019 · 11:54 pm

“EMPIRE” HATE CRIME

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PHOTO OF THE ALLEGED ATTACKERS IN THE “EMPIRE” HATE CRIME.

Dateline, Chicago – A Lithuanian-American (name withheld to protect him from reprisals) was walking down the street in Chicago recently when a gang of thugs wearing hats and t-shirts advertising Empire, a television show starring Jussie Smollett (NOT a gag name) attacked him. 

The unidentified thugs, apparently trying to beat the Lithuanian-American pride out of him, supposedly shouted pro-Empire slogans like “Seriously, homey, you should binge-watch Empire” and called it “Can’t-miss television” while pummeling their unfortunate victim.

Startlingly enough, it has come to light that, though the whiney, possibly lying Lithuanian-American claimed the attack and the slogans were overheard by his manager via his cell-phone, the Lithuanian-American refuses to provide his cell phone to prove his very shaky claims.

Reasonable people are doubting the event ever happened since no corroboration – NOT EVEN FROM SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE FROM THE TIME OF THE ATTACK – can support the outrageous claims made by the so-called “victim.” 

Authorities seem to be suspecting that the entire complaint is false and various reasonable people might be thinking the whole thing was a hoax to score cheap political points and generate publicity for the Lithuanian-American. Continue reading →

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February 1, 2019 · 10:16 am

VICE PRESIDENTS – JOKES ABOUT THESE ULTIMATE SECOND BANANAS

John AdamsWith President’s Day approaching here’s the first of many seasonal posts.

John Adams called the Vice Presidency “the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived.” A very old joke went “Once there were two brothers. One ran away to sea and the other became Vice President. Neither was ever heard from again.”

In George S Kaufman’s and Morrie Ryskind’s classic stage work Of Thee I Sing one of the characters turns down an offer to be Vice President because he’s ashamed to have his mother know. He’s persuaded to accept the office when it’s pointed out that if he doesn’t tell her about it she’ll never find out.

The office has featured eminently forgettable figures as well as comic relief buffoons like Dan “The Global Village Idiot” Quayle and Joe “Koo Koo For Cocoa Puffs” Biden. In the light-hearted style of Balladeer’s Blog’s look at U.S. Presidents here’s a look at the men who got to hang around and see if the country’s Chief Executive wound up six feet under. I’m omitting VP’s who went on to actually become President, so no John Adams or Thomas Jefferson, etc. 

aaron-burrAARON BURR

Served Under: Jefferson 

Noted for: Shooting dead more Treasury Secretaries and hatching more plots to start his own country than any other Vice President. (So far, anyway.)

Best Burr Quote: “I’m still searching for the real killers of Alexander Hamilton.” 

GEORGE CLINTON

Served Under: Jefferson and Madison

Noted for: P-Funk and Funkadelic Leading American Rebel forces against the British troops of his loyalist cousin Sir Henry Clinton during the Revolutionary War.

Best Clinton Quote: “Do fries go with that shake?”

Elbridge GerryELBRIDGE GERRY

Served Under: Madison

Noted for: Pioneering the method of “Gerrymandering” political districts in a way that the modern day Democrats and Republicans have raised to a mainstay in the world of white collar crime which they inhabit.

Best Gerry Quote: “I’ll be immortalized as the man who invented Elbridge-mandering!”

DANIEL D TOMPKINS

Served Under: Monroe

Noted for: Being ruined by a scandal in which he was mistakenly accused of pocketing some of the funds he raised to conduct the War of 1812. Years later it was all revealed to be an accounting error. Continue reading →

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January 17, 2019 · 3:48 pm

MOCK HEADLINES: JANUARY 17th

trump and pelosiANTI-TRUMP LOONS ACCIDENTALLY PROVE DEMOCRAT COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA WHILE PURSUING TRUMP

DO GILLETTE RAZORS CAUSE CANCER? WHY TAKE CHANCES? 

CRAZED DEMOCRATS INSIST TRUMP IS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY FINISHED THIS TIME BECAUSE yaaaaaawwwwwwn

LOW IQ AOC IS LMAO FUN!

FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP STILL SPEAKS MORE LANGUAGES THAN BOTH OBAMAS COMBINED

NEW CALL FOR STUDY OF HOW MANY CONVICTED RAPISTS USED GILLETTE RAZORS

DEMOCRATS VOW TO MAKE 2019 THE YEAR THEY RENDER THE TERM “WHITE SUPREMACIST” AS OVERUSED AND MEANINGLESS AS THEY MADE THE WORD “RACIST”

FBI INSIDERS SAY “LOOK, WE CAN ACT AS POLITICAL SABOTEURS FOR THE DEMOCRATS OR WE CAN DO OUR ACTUAL JOBS, BUT NOT BOTH”

NANCY PELOSI REFUSES TO MEET WITH FAMILIES OF VICTIMS OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT CRIME (This one is true, by the way.) Continue reading →

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January 15, 2019 · 6:41 pm

GILLETTE: THE PREFERRED RAZOR OF RAPISTS

ted bundy

TED BUNDY SAID “IF I HAD NEVER SHAVED WITH A GILLETTE RAZOR ALL MY VICTIMS WOULD BE ALIVE TODAY.” (Oh, wait, he didn’t say that. But why take chances?)

A new study shows that using Gillette brand razors is a sure indicator that the user is a rapist, a woman-beater and quite possibly a child molester. Many consumers had been troubled for years by the toxic plastic used in Gillette razors and some had even called for boycotts of the company similar to recent actions against plastic straws but this new information is even more alarming.

Shaving with a Gillette razor raises the odds of a man being a rapist and woman-beater by roughly 87% the scientific study found (see below). Switch to DOLLAR SHAVE CLUB to combat rape and violence against women by the animals who use Gillette products.

The Gillette brand may wind up as toxic as I.G. Farben because of the Holocaust in World War Two. Surely nobody with a conscience would use those environment-destroying plastic razors from Gillette.

If you love women … if you love your children … avoid Gillette razors as if their lives depended on it. And you’ll be saving the planet from Gillette’s toxic plastic, too. Continue reading →

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