Monthly Archives: July 2010

THE WORLD SERIES OF FRONTIERADO POKER?

 

"You're not goin' nowhere, ya bottom-dealin' Hombre," the gambler-gunfighter exclaimed, "We've got us a few apparent paradoxes and their effect upon contemporary religious thought to discuss!"

 

As promised here are the rules for Frontierado Poker, the game that is strictly my own invention to go along with my made-up Holiday Frontierado.

1. Remove all face cards from the deck. The game is played with a 40-card deck.

2. Every player antes up. (I’m not advocating gambling. You can decide for yourselves what you play for.)

3. Each player is dealt 4 cards (the deal rotates like in Continue reading

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VIKINGS INVADE INDIAN FOOTHILLS PARK IN MARSHALL, MO

 

"We're tired of waiting for Brett Favre to make up his mind about joining us! We're cleaning up this park NOW!" (Oops! Wrong team of Vikings!)

 

Everyone remembers the Vikings…plundering, pillaging, picking up litter…wait, picking up litter?

Yes, picking up litter. The Missouri Valley College Vikings football team proved that doing good work in the community is every bit as manly as sacking and burning a village, and with only half the calories. (I don’t even know what that means.) The Vikings football players and their coaching staff volunteered at Continue reading

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JUST 9 MORE SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL FRONTIERADO!

What is Frontierado?  Frontierado is a holiday my family and I celebrate  each year. It’s a holiday I simply made up to fill the down time between The 4th of July and Labor Day. Frontierado celebrates the romantic myth of the Old West, as opposed to the gritty reality.

What does Frontierado meanI named the Holiday this because I think it sounds cool and the “frontier” part of the name captures the old west feel I’m going for. 

 How do you pronounce Frontierado?  I pronounce it frawn-teer-AW-do and since I invented the Holiday I can pronounce it however I like. 

 When is Frontierado?  Frontierado is the First Friday of August every year. Isn’t it a nice change of pace to have a three-day weekend that doesn’t have the holiday on a Monday?

How is Frontierado celebratedFrontierado is celebrated with a get-together with family and friends involving a meal (cooked outdoors or indoors, whatever you prefer) , Sagas, Frontierado Poker, Cactus Jacks and a viewing of the official Frontierado western, Silverado.  

 What are “Sagas” in the context of Frontierado? Christmas has Christmas Carol singing, Frontierado has Sagas. Sagas are fictional biographies of a Western character I invent for somebody after I familiarize myself with their personality and favorite subjects. You could do one yourself of course, or if you like I could Continue reading

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BAD MOVIE PAGE: THE BABY (1973)

The Baby 1973THE BABY (1973) – Category: The 70′s version of camp, with a premise and plot elements that would have been banned in previous decades.      

It’s hard to believe Ted Post was involved with this strange movie. It was considered very weird and kinky even in the 1970′s when it came out, and that was long before the internet made the entire world aware of the infantilism fetish that this film reeks of!

“Baby” himself redefines the expression “arrested development”, since he’s a full-grown adult who crawls around in a diaper (which needs changing occassionally – EEEWWWW), sleeps in a big crib, eats baby food and doesn’t speak. And by the way, it’s a horror film

His creepy mother and Continue reading

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TODAY’S COOL-NAMED SPORTS TEAM – SOUTHERN NAZARENE UNIVERSITY

SOUTHERN NAZARENE UNIVERSITY CRIMSON STORM

 

Location: Bethany, OK

Conference Affiliation: Sooner Athletic Conference

Major sports: football, basketball, baseball, soccer

Site: http://sports.snu.edu/

Comment: With all due respect to the Alabama Crimson Tide and the IUP Crimson Hawks I think Crimson Storm is one of the coolest names for a team! It would also make a great name for a band. You can just picture cd’s titled “The Greatest Hits Of Crimson Storm” or “Crimson Storm: Live In Concert” or “Crimson Storm: Feel The Scarlet Rain”etc.

 
Balladeer’s Blog is not affiliated with or operated by the NAIA or any member institutions. 
© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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THE TRUTH BEHIND THE LEGEND OF MADISON MCCALMON

University of the Cumberlands Patriots offensive lineman Madison McCalmon has become a living legend for his prowess on the gridiron, the classroom and in the community. Given the folk tales and outright myths that have sprung up around this young man I decided the time was ripe to start sorting out the truth from the legend.

To that end I contacted McCalmon and immediately asked the question I know America wanted an answer to from this Cumberlands Patriots football star:

“Which one of your teammates is married to Gisele Bundchen?”

We got accidentally disconnected at that point (You know cell phones!) and even though McCalmon was not available the next 113 times I called I’m sure he and I will be getting together soon to finish the work begun in this article. So let’s start separating fact from fiction in the life of Madison McCalmon. 

THE LEGEND: Madison Avenue in New York is named after Madison McCalmon.

THE TRUTH: That is not true. The Madison Avenues in Seattle and Chicago are named after McCalmon, but NOT the advertising district in New York. 

THE LEGEND: The University of the Cumberlands recently returned the Heisman Trophy Madison McCalmon won because he had “too good a reputation”.

THE TRUTH: In reality Madison McCalmon has recently been nominated for the 2010 Allstate AFCA Good Works Team. In order to meet the criteria set forth by All-State and AFCA each player must be actively involved and committed to working with a charitable organization, service group or community service while maintaining good academic standing.  

THE LEGEND: McCalmon is engaged to the heiress of the Calvin Klein fortune.

THE TRUTH: This bizarre rumor began circulating after it became known that Calvin Bini of Campbellsville University was the only other player from a Mid-South Conference team on the Allstate AFCA Good Works Team. “Can someone get their facts straight?” as Frank Reynolds was once rumored to have said. 

THE LEGEND: Madison McCalmon is the famous anchorman who would close his news broadcasts with the words “And that’s the way it is.”

THE TRUTH: This is clearly a misunderstanding. McCalmon is anchoring  the offensive line for a Patriots team that hopes to win its 4th straight Mid-South Conference Divisional Title. Over the past 3 years the University of the Cumberlands has not been lower than 4th in rushing offense per game.

THE LEGEND: In addition to having 978 knockdowns as a lineman, McCalmon has kept the Ark of the Covenant out of the hands of the Nazis and has saved the world from Ernst Stavro Blofeld and SPECTRE on several occasions.

THE TRUTH: The actual number is 119 knockdowns.

THE LEGEND: Madison McCalmon made the list of Time Magazine’s 100 Most Influential Americans.

THE TRUTH: This odd story started popping up on the internet after McCalmon made the President’s List and the Dean’s List at U of the C. He carries a 3.97 grade point average into this year and has been inducted into the University’s J.T. Vallandingham Honors Society. (So ignore those rumors that he was inducted into the Freemasons instead.) To be inducted into this society a student must have 96 semester hours , a 3.5 GPA or better each semester and a 3.7 GPA overall.

THE LEGEND: McCalmon can next be seen opposite Angelina Jolie in the movie Salt.

THE TRUTH: In reality McCalmon can next be seen with his Patriots teammates as they take on the McKendree University Bearcats on August 28th.

THE LEGEND: Madison McCalmon is much funnier than Adam Sandler.

THE TRUTH: Well, let’s face it. There’s SOME element of truth behind many legends. 

To buy the soundtrack from McCalmon’s musical biography Madison! click here: http://www.ucumberlands.edu/athletics/

Balladeer’s Blog is not affiliated with or operated by the NAIA or any member institutions. 
© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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MULTIPLE CHOICE QUIZ ON SIOUX FALLS VOLLEYBALL PROGRAM’S RECENT HONOR

Q: What prestigious organization recently honored the University Of Sioux Falls‘ volleyball program with inclusion on its latest list?

 1. The National Egg Council

2. The League of Women Voters

3. Balladeer’s Blog with one of those lame Top 20 lists

4. American Volleyball Coaches Association  

The correct answer is “4”

Q: On what list did this prestigious organization include USF’s volleyball program?

1. The FBI’s Most Wanted

2. The Ten Commandments

3. AVCA Team Academic Award

4. 12 Dangerous Organizations And How They Threaten World Peace

The Correct answer is “3”

Q: How do you earn your way on to this exclusive list? 

1. By doing real well in the swimsuit and evening gown competition

2. Playing by your own set of rules but getting results

3. By whacking Paul Castellano outside Sparks’ Steak House

4. Maintaining a minimum grade point average of 3.30 

The correct answer is “4”. John Gotti never played volleyball.

Q: How often has USF made this list?

1. Two years in a row

2. Once every Whitsuntide

3. As often as Lindsay Lohan gets arrested

4. Whenever a new Pope is elected

The correct answer is “1”

Q: USF volleyball starts their 2010 season on Sept 3rd against the Dakota State Trojans in what event? 

1. Woodstock 2010

2. Niagara Falls Splash Tournament

3. Lady Ga Ga‘s Christmas At Seaworld Special

4. The Latin Grammies 

The correct answer is “2”.

Your score: It doesn’t matter how many answers you got right. Everyone is a winner when USF volleyball takes the floor.

Which of the following is the USF athletics site:

1. Cougarscanplayvolleyball?.com

2. TheATeammovie.com

3. JustinBieberscholarshipfund.org

4.http://www.usfcougars.com/ 

Balladeer’s Blog is not affiliated with or operated by the NAIA or any member institutions. 
© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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