Jimmy Kimmel, known as “that guy from The Man Show” and as “the wimp people love to hate” has been begging me to interview him for years now. I kept putting him off, given his reputation for grotesque body odor.
Finally I decided I could end the annoyance once and for all with a wager. I bet Kimmel that he couldn’t POSSIBLY get even lower ratings for the Harvey Weinstein Awards than the pathetic dweeb who hosted them last year. If he did, I would interview him. If not, I never had to interview him. Jimmy jumped at the bet.
Turns out he was the repugnant douchebag who hosted them last year! Needless to say, since garbage like Kimmel reeks more and more the longer it sits and festers he got much, much MUCH lower ratings than the previous year.
Anyway, I don’t welch on bets (which I understand is what Jimmy Kimmel’s mother said to the three-time animal-rapist who knocked her up with Jimmy in the first place) so I agreed to finally interview Kimmel to swat him away once and for all. So, let’s deal with this hack who cries himself to sleep every night over the fact that he’ll never be as daring, funny and iconoclastic as Steven Crowder.
BY THE WAY, THE REPULSIVE JIMMY KIMMEL STILL REFUSES TO DONATE MORE MONEY TO CHARITY. WHAT A GREEDY SCUMBAG.
Balladeer’s Blog: So, Jimmy, looks like you did the seeming impossible and got even LOWER ratings than last year for your performance at this year’s presentation of Rapists and Child Molestors Against Trump.
Jimmy Kimmel: Yeah. I hate that Trump guy. He got all those beautiful women all his life and the only woman-ish thing I’ve ever managed to score with is that horse-faced Sarah Silverman. Every day and night I think about that and that’s what fuels my monomaniacal hatred of the Donald.
BB: It’s possible if you showered every now and then or didn’t look so creepy all the time with that half-assed attempt at a beard you might be able to attract an acceptable looking woman.
JK: Personal hygiene is for the in-bred morons who voted for Trump. They’re all so stupid it’s like, what a bunch of stupid-headed stupid heads. I used to BEG Trump to fix me up with women but he always refused.
BB: Do you think your bizarre fixation on President Trump is healthy?
JK: Hell, yeah! In the entertainment industry today even somebody as untalented and unappealing as I am can make okay bucks as long as I bash Trump. It’s like, NONE of the celebrities that I pay to talk to me can believe that American scumbags voted for this guy.
BB: But everybody can see through this for what it is and they realize that when trash like you bashes President Trump and ignore that he is the new FDR you are really just expressing your hatred for the working class and the suffering poor.
JK: No way are Trump supporters smart enough to make that connection. And fuck the working class and the suffering poor. Maybe they wouldn’t BE poor if they listened to their betters like me and mindlessly repeated every one of my political opinions.
BB: But Jimmy, a disgusting low-life piece of pigshit like you doesn’t seem to HAVE any political opinions. You just constantly spew hatred and lies about President Trump. It gets old and it makes a charmless scumbag like you even less appealing than you already are.
JK: No way. Celebrities applaud when I bash Trump.
BB: But they are not – and never have been – a barometer on real-life attitudes. Subhuman shit like you and them just get together and make the same tired jokes about the same tired issues over and over and over again.
JK: But that’s –
BB: Shut up and listen you brain-dead piece of garbage. My point is that what morons like you do with the awards shows featuring Rapists and Child Molestors Against Trump is as unrepresentative of real-world political discourse as if, say, someone were to run a fake interview with you in which you are depicted as being repeatedly put in your place by the interviewer.
JK: No, it’s –
BB: I said SHUT UP. Listen to that applause I get when I insult you. Do you think this entire scenario is any more real than the staged anti-Trump and anti-working class hateporn-fests that shit like you have turned every single awards show into?
JK: Maybe if –
BB: Shut UP, worm! Sit there and listen, is that understood?
JK: Yes, sir. I apologize, sir.
BB: Good boy. Now do you get my point about how you and your fellow snobbish jackasses come across when you show your staged “man in the street” interviews and depict the lame political circle jerks you do as if you’re being irreverent?
JK: I, I, I guess I was far too stupid to understand any of this before. Thank you, Balladeer, thank you SO MUCH for setting me straight. I will try to be a much better human being from now on. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
BB: No problem, now get lost you piece of body lice.
JK: Yes, my lord and master, yes!
Before anyone bothers leaving silly comments trying to defend Kimmel and his ilk you may want to stop and ask yourself if you see the point I’m making with this. If you’re one of these people who reflexively tries to defend everyone they see in movies or on tv you may want to wait a day or two.
Any venue – or imaginary venue like this one – in which there is a predetermined outcome and an actual dissenting point of view will NOT be possible is just a tiresome pep rally. Only fools like Jimmy Kimmel could possibly think that what they do on their programs and awards shows is any more authentic – or any more entertaining – than what I did with this “interview.”
Was I being “daring” here? Neither are Kimmel and his ilk, yet they act as if they are doing a roast of (insert your own choice of dictator here) right in that dictator’s presence and facing danger.
Were you able to come up with counter-arguments to my comments that were presented as if they were unassailable? If so that’s no different than with everyone foolish enough to watch assholes like Kimmel or Maher or others.
When YOU control the environment there is nothing daring or clever involved, but Jimmy Kimmel and similar trash don’t seem to grasp that. Within such a controlled and one-sided environment these things have become nothing more than Awards Show versions of show trials.