Category Archives: Bad and weird movies

POPE FRANCIS: A MAN OF HIS WORD – THE WORST SUPERHERO MOVIE EVER

Pope FrancisPOPE FRANCIS: A MAN OF HIS WORD (2018) – The DC Comics movies just keep getting worse and worse. Some looser named Francis gets superpowers from washing the feet of poor people and little boys (creeper) and gets his own kind of Batcave called Vatican City.

Yeah, right, like with so many starving people in the world any kind of superhero would live in his own city with such opulence when they could give away 90% of their money to help the poor. It wasn’t realistic at all.

And Francis is so boring with like no superpowers even Batman had more powers than Francis and Francis’ costume is so stupid. Not even a mask. Bad guys will know his secret identity and know just where to find him and kill all his gay boyfriends in those red outfits called the College of Cardinals. So stupid. I no wanna see a guy in bad costume teaching school to guys all in red no variety. Sucks. Continue reading

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HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! LOVE, GEORGE (1973)

Despite the movie poster's warning this flick won't even untie your shoelaces. It’s Balladeer’s Blog’s semi-annual Mother’s Day post! 

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! LOVE, GEORGE (1973) – Category: Bad movie elevated by kitsch value in the casting.

Directed by THE Darren McGavin and featuring his wife Kathie Browne in a small role, this hilariously bizarre film is also known as Run, Stranger, Run. “Run, Potential Viewer, Run” would be a more appropriate title. 

Happy Mother’s Day Love, George  (henceforth HMDLG) is often described as a psycho-sexual thriller but actually it is nothing more than a melodramatic soap opera with a few murders and VERY few scenes of blood and gore. Those blood and gore scenes are so over-the-top they are completely at odds with the low-key, almost made-for-tv mildness of the rest of the movie.

This was a theatrical release but is so subdued and slow-paced it seems like a telefilm. You and your friends can keep yourselves entertained making jokes about the recognizable cast members to kill time since the first murder doesn’t happen until we’re more than an hour into this flick.

masc graveyard newRon Howard IS Johnny, a teenager who has come to town to discover who his birth parents are but who mostly just stands around staring at people and ESPECIALLY at houses. He seems completely taken aback that the townspeople find this somewhat creepy. Johnny is intrigued by the rash of missing persons plaguing the small town and feels they are connected to the secret of his past.

Cloris Leachman IS Ronda (no “h”), Johnny’s real mother, as we learn very early in the film. Ronda is in such dire financial straits she had to hock the “h” in her name for rent money. (I’m kidding!) She never speaks to her sister, sleeps with a gigolo passing through town and serves up meals along with expository dialogue. Continue reading

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MAY THE FOURTH: THE WORST STAR WARS RIPOFF

Humanoid 2Readers of Balladeer’s Blog asked for more May the Fourth material, so here’s an “encore presentation” as they used to call reruns, of my 2015 review of The Humanoid. In my view this is the worst of the Italian Star Wars ripoffs.

I know many people consider Star Crash to be the worst of the Italo-Ripoffs but I’ve always gotten more laughs out of The Humanoid.  

The many, many ways this movie steals from Star Wars will become clear as we go along. Let’s deal with first things first:

Richard KielRichard Kiel plays the title figure. His real name is Golob but the Darth Vaderish bad guy arranges for Golob to be the guinea pig for a treatment that transforms ordinary people into powerful “Humanoids”. As a Humanoid Golob loses his beard for some reason but – even more comically – the beard suddenly reappears when he is returned to normal late in the movie.

Humanoid 5Golob in his amped-up Humanoid form has super-strength, is invulnerable to harm and can deflect energy blasts that the Rebel Alliance-style good guys shoot at him. The bad guys plan to use a warhead to expose every man, woman and child on Earth to the bio-treatment, thus creating an instant army of billions of super-powered Humanoids like Richard Kiel. (Good luck controlling them since the treatment will reduce them to mindless animals like Golob.)  

Corinne CleryCorinne Clery portrays Barbara Gibson, the spunky Princess Leia pastiche. Barbara is a prominent scientist of Metropolis, which is what the entire Earth has been renamed now that it is just one big planet-wide city in the far future setting of The Humanoid. Barbara studies a gifted Asian lad who controls the Force uh, I mean some kind of psychic or magical energy field. 

Lord GraalIvan Rassimov plays the main villain Lord Graal, whose entire army dresses exactly like Darth Vader. He does, too, but to stand out from his underlings HIS black helmet and mask have cutouts that let his eyes, mouth and cheeks show. Lord Graal wants to create the aforementioned Humanoid army so he can conquer the entire Milky Way galaxy. He has magical powers like the Asian boy.  Continue reading

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MIDNIGHT MARQUEE #80 IS NOW AVAILABLE

Midnight Marquee # 80Midnight Marquee, the renowned magazine devoted to horror, sci fi and cult films, returns after a long hiatus.

The 80th issue is now available. Below find the table of contents of this latest issue and the click for ordering. Continue reading

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FRIDAY THE 13th PART 3D (1982): ON THE TEXAS TWENTY-SEVEN FILM VAULT

Friday the 13th Part 3DBefore MST3K there was … The Texas 27 Film Vault! In the middle 1980s, way down on Level 31 Randy Clower and Richard Malmos, machine-gun toting Film Vault Technicians First Class hosted this neglected cult show. 

ORIGINAL BROADCAST DATE: Saturday February 14th, 1987 from 10:30pm to 1:00am. 

SERIAL: None. The movie, Film Vault Corps comedy sketches and commercials filled up the entire two and a half hours this time.

FILM VAULT LORE: This episode marked the second time The Texas 27 Film Vault came with a warning about violent content. It was also at least the second time they riffed on a movie that was originally in 3-D. Randy and Richard did various jokes about wearing 3-D glasses and 3-D effects coming out of the screen at them as they watched the movie.

Randy and Richard firing their machine guns at giant rats, cellumites and other subterranean creatures.

Randy and Richard firing their machine guns on the T27FV 3D poster.

When you throw in the previous year’s “Mock 3D” interview with Ben Johnson and the 1987 release of The Texas 27 Film Vault‘s official 3-D poster you could say Randy, Richard, Ken “Tex” Miller, Joe Riley and Laurie Savino had a definite fondness for taking shots at the whole 3-D concept.  

 FOR A LOOK AT THE 3-D TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT POSTER (courtesy of Randy Clower) –https://glitternight.com/2013/03/18/movie-hosts-the-texas-27-film-vault-poster/  

THE MOVIE:

Friday the 13th Part 3-D was the most notoriously lame sequel in the Friday the 13th film series during the 1980s. Not only was it part of the laughable 1980s attempt to revive the 3-D craze of the 1950s but it’s also infamous for its DISCO VERSION of the iconic Friday the 13th theme. However it’s essential viewing for horror fans because it was the first time Jason Voorhees put on the hockey mask that is so closely associated with the character.    Continue reading

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EVIL CLUTCH (1988): MICRO-REVIEW

Mascot FOUR original pics

Balladeer’s Blog

THIS THING IS SUCH A RIPOFF IT DOESN’T EVEN DESERVE TO HAVE ITS OWN POSTER SHOWN. 

EVIL CLUTCH (1988) – Whatever movie you THINK is the worst Evil Dead ripoff, you’ll likely have second thoughts if you’re unfortunate enough to see Evil Clutch. This awful movie’s original Italian title was Il Bosco and it has literally NO entertainment value of its own. 

A creepy-looking Italian couple – the woman pretending to be American – encounter even creepier people in an isolated woodland community in the Alps. Everything that happens from there is simply an excuse to stage inept imitations of scenes from the Evil Dead.

And I don’t mean that it borrows a few things, like the roaming POV shots and the concept of some people getting possessed by ancient evil forces. Countless shots are literally just restagings of the memorable scenes from the earlier Sam Raimi/ Bruce Campbell/ Rob Tapert film. And the restagings are more like very, very cheap imitations, as if some amateurs had a little fun trying to match the makeup and primitive special effects from their inspiration. Continue reading

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MONSTER BASH 2018 COMING TO MARS, PA

monster bash 2018

There will be three Monster Bash Events this year. June, August and October.  The June and October shows will be the large scale gatherings at the Double Tree in Mars, PA (North Pittsburgh Double Tree location). August will be a movie marathon at the grand Palace Theatre in Canton, Ohio with vendors.  

Here are some of the basics on the forthcoming June show:

MONSTER BASH – Double Tree Pittsburgh North, Mars, PA (Cranberry Township)/June 22-24, 2018 Continue reading

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