Category Archives: Fantastic Movie Reviews

ZOMBIES OF MONTICELLO (2013)

Thomas JeffersonBy reader request here’s my semi-regular Halloween Season blog post Zombies of Monticello, my mock movie review. I first ran this in 2013, but it may not seem as irreverent this year in the wake of the large-scale criticism of Thomas Jefferson.

ZOMBIES OF MONTICELLO (2013) – Halloween month continues at Balladeer’s Blog with this review of cult director Eddie Wozniak’s blood-soaked combination of horror and commentary.

Learn the REAL cause of Thomas Jefferson’s death on July 4th, 1826! On the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence the zombified corpses of all of Jefferson’s dead slaves rise from their graves and besiege him and his extended family in the Jefferson mansion at Monticello!

The pompous hypocrite who penned noble words about freedom and equality while OWNING other human beings tries everything to wipe out the undead legions pressing in on all sides. Continue reading

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Filed under Bad and weird movies, Fantastic Movie Reviews, Halloween Season, humor

NOW ON BLU-RAY: THINGS AREN’T WHAT THEY SEEM (2013)

Kansas mapTHINGS AREN’T WHAT THEY SEEM (2013) – A Liberal college professor finds her hatred of all Christian Conservatives to be ill-founded when she winds up interacting with her new neighbors from Kansas.

By movie’s end she has abandoned her condescending attitude toward them and has resolved to relate to all human beings as individuals instead of as simplistic stereotypes.

Freed from the snobbery of her political prejudices she finds herself on the outs with her slavishly conformist colleagues at the university and must choose between career advancement and standing up for what she believes is right. Continue reading

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FANTASTIC FILMS TO SHOCK HOLLYWOOD

Hollywoodland

Hollywoodland

Welcome back to Balladeer’s Blog, the only site on the web that is truly non-partisan in its criticism of Liberals and Conservatives.

As I have often pointed out in the past there are no such things as right and wrong, there are simply things that a culture finds acceptable and things that a culture frowns upon. Six decades ago Hollywood films conformed to the tired Conservative cliches of Eisenhower’s America and earlier years. Today Hollywood films conform to the tired Liberal cliches of the Political Correctness Police.

As always fringe filmmaking is where the courageous storytelling is to be found. The gutless, pandering Hollywood studios all make cookie- cutter movies lacking any sort of diversity in their worldview. Long ago it was uniformly mindless Conservative films being churned out by the dozens. In recent decades it’s been uniformly mindless Liberal films being churned out by the dozens. So let’s proceed with this light- hearted look at movies no Hollywood studio would touch today.

Crimson ImamNot Coming Soon – THE CRIMSON IMAM – A heroic Muslim woman dons a red costume and mask, then takes to the streets of her Muslim community punishing men who physically abuse women in the name of the outdated dictates of their religion.

Calling herself the Crimson Imam she becomes a nationwide role model and inspires a large-scale feminist movement within Islam. Eventually women and gay people are embraced by Islam, with female clergy and gay marriages commonplace and with abortion rights a new Muslim priority.

What You’d See Instead – THE CRIMSON NUN – A heroic Christian woman dons a red habit and mask, then takes to the streets of her Christian community punishing priests who molest children and Continue reading

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PRESIDENTIAL ACTION AND HORROR FILMS

George WashingtonGEORGE WASHINGTON BATTLES THE BERSERKERS – During the brutal winter at Valley Forge General George Washington must contend with more than just the elements and the distant British army. The Hessian troops the Redcoats have imported from the German- speaking world have unleashed a master plan to overrun the Continental Army once and for all.

Their ranks boast a dabbler in Nordic magic and he’s concocted a mushroom-heavy formula to transform all the Hessians into furious berserkers like those of the Viking age! George is having none of it of course, and plans to turn the Pennsylvania snow red with the blood of these latter-day berserkers of the ancient Germanic god Woden.

All this plus a gay love affair between Washington and Alexander Hamilton just to guarantee lots of free publicity! 

John AdamsJOHN ADAMS: WITCHSLAYER – Remember the tale of young John Adams defending a 1700s Wiccan priestess when he was a lawyer? This movie would proceed from the notion that the young witch went on to involve Adams in a battle royal with an evil coven of dark witches who were giving paganism a bad name!

Using an aresenal of mystic weapons provided by the priestess he defended John goes on to lay the thirteen witches and warlocks of the dark coven in their graves! Throw in an Continue reading

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THE WORLD’S A STAGE (2014)

Would ALEC BALDWIN find the plot of this movie a little too close to reality?

Would one percenter ALEC BALDWIN find the plot of this movie a little too close to reality?

The World’s A Stage (2014 – Glitternight productions) – This independent film, though set here in the 21st Century, is reminiscent of ancient Greek political satires like the ones penned by Aristophanes, Eupolis and Cratinus as well as the parathespian comedies of Strattis.

A traveling troupe of actors visit an unnamed town and are a huge hit in a play dramatizing the heroics of a group of honest politicians. The citizens are bowled over by their performances and elect the men and women of the theatre troupe to actually govern their town.

Naturally the shallow and vain thespians are in way over their heads when it comes to dealing with real-world responsibilities and problems. Their egotistical need for applause and approval also makes them unfit for office, especially when it comes to Continue reading

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ELVIS PRESLEY: ROCK’N’ROLL VS THE REDCOATS

Elvis IS General Andrew Jackson at the Battle of New Orleans

Elvis IS General Andrew Jackson at the Battle of New Orleans

January 8th of each year always represents the general rift that separates American pop culture from alleged “high culture”. On the one hand it’s Elvis Presley’s birthday. On the other hand it’s also the anniversary of the Battle of New Orleans, in which General (and future President) Andrew Jackson teamed up with French pirate Jean Lafitte to hand the British their worst defeat in the War of 1812.

It’s not tough to guess which event gets more attention year in and year out, but cult director Eddie Wozniak took a break from the film world to write, produce and direct this musical comedy.

General Jackson as a one-man USO show for his battle-hardened troops

General Jackson as a one-man USO show for his battle-hardened troops

Rock’N’Roll vs the Redcoats is Wozniak’s hilarious but educational fusion of Elvis’ birthday with the martial anniversary. The musical comedy depicts the events of 1815 as they might have been depicted in an Elvis Presley movie with an actual Elvis impersonator in the lead role. So basically the star of Rock’N’Roll vs the Redcoats is a man playing Elvis Presley playing General Andrew Jackson. Continue reading

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FUNKY FERGUSON (2014) REVIEW

Obama Yelling

OBAMA: I usually just ignore black-on-black violence but dammit, even when a black cop shoots a black suspect I will ALWAYS promote violence against the cops!

My contempt for America’s Democrats and Republicans is not a secret. I was tempted to post a mock-news story today headlined EVERY DEMOCRAT AND REPUBLICAN ELECTED OFFICIAL DIES FROM MYSTERY DISEASE: NATION REJOICES. Instead I decided my review of the blaxploitation satire Funky Ferguson would be more appropriate. 

FUNKY FERGUSON (2014) – This was one  of the biggest money-makers of 2014. Funky Ferguson is the title character of this very dark satire which uses the style and structure of 1970’s blaxploitation films to comment on the horrific events in Ferguson, MO.

Hands Up Don't Shoot

*** *** *** *** *** Unidentified black men making with the ubiquitous new hand-signal which means “I have a very small penis.”

The events that spawned the whole “Hands up, don’t shoot” lie are depicted in disjointed and irreverent ways. The main character Funky Ferguson is in the mold of figures like the Black Baron from The Candy Tangerine Man. The Funky One keeps the streets safe for criminal elements and prevents law-abiding African-American business owners from fighting back against the thugs.

Funky Ferguson’s many triumphs over The Man mean nothing but hardship and personal tragedy for other African-Americans, who watch their children being killed by African-American criminals on a regular basis. Funky cares nothing for them or the “crapitalist” (as he calls them) business owners.

Gradually all of the promising young African-American children in Funky Ferguson’s hood wind up getting preyed upon and eventually killed by the brainless, violent black thugs who are the only kids worth caring about in the eyes of Funky Ferguson, the politicians and the media.  

An entire generation of creative and hopeful African-American children come and go, slain by street gangs like the film’s Gentle Giants, unmourned by a world that cares only for the plight of the sadistic criminals who killed them. Only those criminals are elevated and considered “heroic” by the demagogues of “the community”. Continue reading

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Filed under Blaxploitation, Fantastic Movie Reviews, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES