Happy Presidents Day Weekend! Over the years Balladeer’s Blog’s irreverent, tongue-in-cheek looks at the pros and cons of U.S. Presidents have been among my most visited items.
For a change of pace here’s a look at the pros and cons of the LOSERS who were left in a defeated heap enroute to the Oval Office. In reverse order:
HILLARY CLINTON (Lost to President Donald Trump)
Motto: “When the money keeps rolling in (to your fake charity), what’s a girl to do? Skim a little (well, quite a lot, actually) off the top for expenses wouldn’t you?”
Nickname: The Rapist’s Wife/ Crooked Hillary
Pro: Her childish refusal to address her own supporters the night Donald Trump utterly humiliated her provided a look at how truly petty, shallow and classless she is.
Con: She and her fascist followers tried to threaten the members of the Electoral College into casting their votes for her instead of Trump, thereby reaching the absolute lowest and most disgusting level that any American politician has ever sunk to.
MITT ROMNEY (Lost to Obama)
Motto: “Pushing women back to the Fifties … the EIGHTEEN fifties!”
Nickname: The Mormon Mondale/ Ol’ Sploog Face (tie)
Pro: His even more pathetic running mate Paul Ryan actually made him look good by comparison.
Con: Was so thoroughly inept he managed to lose to Barack Obama even after voters saw what a disaster he was.
JOHN MCCAIN (Lost to Obama)
Motto: “I didn’t spend years in the pockets of the McCain Foundation’s billionaire donors just to watch a candidate even MORE deeply in their pockets beat me … but once Barack did I was happy to kiss his butt!”
Nickname: The Crooked Politician Most Deserving of Contracting Brain Cancer. (Don’t blame me! I’m just the messenger. I can’t help what his staff calls him.)
Pro: Soon he will no longer be able to betray his constituents in exchange for bribes.
Con: Is often linked to stories about how he collaborated with his North Vietnamese captors to the detriment of his fellow prisoners. And refuses to okay the unsealing of his POW files despite frequent calls to do so. Hmmmm.
JOHN KERRY (Lost to George W Bush)
Motto: “I don’t hold it against you unsophisticated American hicks for failing to recognize my genius … Actually, yes I do. Cretins.”
Nickname: James Taylor’s Worst Singing Partner
Pro: Has his wife’s millions to fall back on if his own graft money runs out.
Con: It turns out he lied about the Vietnam War even more than LBJ did!
AL GORE (Lost to George W Bush)
Motto: “I’ve scheduled my concession speech for around 2042!”
Nickname: The World’s Rectal Thermometer (Actually, it’s kind of disgusting.)
Pro: Proved 97% of the world’s scientists wrong … It turns out someone COULD lose to a supreme ass like George W Bush.
Con: Sold his supposedly “green” television network to oil-rich (therefore major fossil-fuel burning) overseas sources for enough money to make him an enormously bloated rich pig. (Prior to that he was just bloated, period.)
ROBERT DOLE (Lost to Bill Clinton)
Motto: “Grnrd fklnn zrmmph shrjqnng ztprb!”
Nickname: The Walking Dead
Pro: Mastered the art of speaking without EVER using vowels.
Con: Was the first presidential candidate who should have come with subtitles.
GEORGE H.W. BUSH (Lost to Bill Clinton)
Motto: “Get re-elected? Not gonna do it! Wouldn’t be prudent!”
Nickname: The National Ninny
Pro: His wife Barbara was like the mother he never had.
Con: Didn’t strangle his son George W Bush in his cradle.
MICHAEL DUKAKIS (Lost to George H.W. Bush)
Motto: “Not even the French army gave tanks as much of a bad name as I did!”
Nickname: Michael Du-ca-ca (Crude and sophomoric – but funny, ya gotta admit!)
Pro: Was the very first extra-terrestrial to run for the United States Presidency.
Con: His mutant eye-brows.
WALTER MONDALE (Lost to Ronald Reagan)
Motto: “When does the campaign start? No, seriously … When?”
Nickname: Ol’ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …
Pro: Defeated people who weren’t even running for the presidency by a whopping 17 electoral votes.
Con: His ill-advised campaign pledge to “Bring back the Jimmy Carter years and destroy you bastards for good this time!”
JIMMY CARTER (Lost to Ronald Reagan)
Motto: “The Middle East will NEVER recover from the damage I’ve done!”
Nickname: The Clown Prince Of The Presidency!
Pro: Made good on his vow to “Whip Ted Kennedy’s ass” in the Primaries but then got publicly intimidated by a little bunny rabbit on a camping trip.
Con: Never appointed his brother Billy to the Supreme Court.
GERALD FORD (Lost to Jimmy Carter)
Motto: “Hey, I got to be President without even RUNNING for the office! Chew on THAT, Hillary!!”
Pro: Never quite seemed to grasp that he was President, therefore limiting the damage he inflicted.
Con: W.I.N. buttons … I rest my case.
GEORGE MCGOVERN (Lost to Richard Nixon)
Motto: “I’m one thousand percent convinced I’ll win the election!”
Pro: Has won me a LOT of money on bets with people that they can’t remember who Nixon beat in ’72 without looking it up on-line.
Con: Ask Senator Eagleton.
HUBERT HUMPHREY (Lost to Richard Nixon)
Motto: “If I hear one more ‘Pleased as Punch’ reference I start tossing out bodies.”
Nickname: Happy, Horny, Healthy Hubert Horatio Humphrey
Pro: The clueless 1960s generation of Democrats proved early on how foolish they were by harassing Humphrey mercilessly, thus helping their bete noir Richard Nixon get elected.
Con: Was happy to kiss LBJ’s ass in Macy’s window at high noon and tell him it smelled like roses. (His ass, not Macy’s window.)
BARRY GOLDWATER (Lost to Lyndon Johnson)
Motto: “Blurting out every single thing that pops into your head like you’re on some kind of drug-fueled stream-of-consciousness binge is no vice!”
Nickname: Mountain Dew’s Patron Saint (How’s THAT for an old “Au H2O” reference?)
Pro: Played the ultimate Straight Man with his campaign’s slogan “In your heart you know he’s right” which was mocked with jokes like “In your guts you know he’s nuts.”
Con: Proved to be such an inept national candidate that he did everything but read aloud from a list of names of those voters who would personally be negatively impacted by his policies.
RICHARD NIXON (Lost to John F Kennedy)
Motto: “If it wasn’t for television I’d have seemed just as sexy and charismatic as Kennedy!”
Nickname: Old Sock It To Me
Pro: After losing the 1960 Presidential race to JFK and the 1962 California gubernatorial race to Pat Brown (Jerry’s father!!!) he retired from public life with an air of quiet dignity and was never heard from again. I’m KIDDING!
Con: Thanks to him every damn political conspiracy for the rest of eternity will have the word “-gate” appended to the end.
ADLAI STEVENSON (Lost to Eisenhower 2 times in a row)
Motto: “I’m related to M*A*S*H‘s McLean Stevenson! Now drop those panties!”
Nickname: McLean’s Cousin
Pro: Actually tried to shoot down McLean Stevenson’s plane over the Sea of Japan.
Con: Was harder hit than the rest of the country when Hello, Larry got canceled.
THOMAS DEWEY (Lost to Truman in 1948 and FDR in 1944)
Motto: “A punchline for all eternity!”
Nickname: The CIS-Privileged Oppressor On The Wedding Cake
Pro: His role in the tale about how he sent gangster Louis “Lepke” Buchalter to the electric chair in one of history’s greatest ironies. (Lepke nixed the hit on Dewey when Dutch Schultz wanted to kill him when Dewey was a New York prosecutor.)
Con: Could never get that damned mink stole off of Kitty Carlisle’s toned, ivory body.
WENDELL WILKIE (Lost to FDR in 1940)
Motto: “No man is good three times.” For once I’m using the REAL motto that the person ran under for president. Wilkie’s campaign was referring to the way FDR was running for President for the third time in a row, hence the “three times.” Given the cultural taboos of the time it was apparently NOT intended as a dirty double-entendre but these days we can’t think of it any other way.
Nickname: The Guy Who Wasn’t Good Once, Let Alone Three Times
Pro: Was open-minded enough to plan with FDR the possible formation of a third major Political Party once World War Two was over.
Con: Died even before Roosevelt did, tragically depriving America of that Third Party that might have forever changed history with two such prominent men pushing it.
ALF LANDON (Lost to FDR in 1936)
Motto: “No problem!” … Oh, I’m sorry, that was the motto of Alf the alien from the 1980s television show.
Nickname: The Kansas Coolidge. Believe it or not, it was his REAL nickname and it perfectly captures the relentless boredom that IS Alf Landon. (Even he hated the nickname.)
Pro: Despite his reputation for stodginess he once had a threesome with Eleanor AND Franklin Roosevelt. I’m KIDDING!
Con: I can never stay awake long enough to really give a damn about him. His daughter was Nancy Kassebaum if you care. Her threesome was with Ronald and Nancy Reagan. (Again, I’m KIDDING! Ronny fell asleep so James Watt slipped into bed with the two Nancies to finish the job.)
HERBERT HOOVER (Lost to FDR in 1932)
Motto: “I see Barack Obama did a worse job on the economy than I did!”
Nickname: That Guy They Sing About In Annie
Pro: Was such a schlub it helped FDR get elected.
Con: Once tried to blame sunspots for the Great Depression, claiming that sunspots had caused the Dust Bowl and from there a Domino Effect was unleashed.
AL SMITH (Lost to Hoover)
Motto: “Fools keep emphasizing my Catholicism and ignoring the fact that I slithered out of the toilet called Tammany Hall!”
Nickname: Is That An Alias?
Pro: Was openly opposed to Prohibition.
Con: His resounding defeat was blamed on his Catholicism, making it tougher for JFK to win the nomination in 1960 since the Democrats were terrified of another anti-Catholic backlash if JFK was their candidate.
JOHN W DAVIS (Lost to Coolidge)
Motto: “If you can’t defeat a somnambulist like Calvin Coolidge it’s time to question your life choices.”
Nickname: The Guy Who Lost To Coolidge
Pro: At least he didn’t run on a cheesy slogan like “Keep cool and keep Coolidge” like his opponent did.
Con: Seriously, the guy couldn’t beat a virtual Invisible Man like Calvin Coolidge!
JAMES M COX (Lost to Harding)
Motto: “But Harding said ‘NORMALCY’ for God’s sake!”
Nickname: The Man Who Ran With Franklin Roosevelt As His Vice Presidential Candidate.
Pro: Was so manly even his last name was phallic.
Con: Founded Cox Communications, vowing that someday his company’s unsympathetic and unprofessional Cable Company employees would make the country pay for not electing him.
CHARLES EVANS HUGHES (Lost to Wilson)
Motto: “What a difference a full night’s sleep makes.”
Nickname: The Man Too Smart To Be President
Pro: Graduated from the Ivy League’s Brown University at age NINETEEN before going on to Columbia Law School.
Con: Foolishly believed he had defeated President Wilson and went to bed assuming he was the new president. He was shocked at news of his defeat but unlike Hillary Clinton he did NOT snub his own supporters nor did he throw fits about it the rest of his life.
*** FOR MY DETAILED LOOK AT THE 1912 ELECTION BATTLE AMONG WILSON, ROOSEVELT AND TAFT CLICK HERE
WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN (Lost to McKinley twice and Taft once)
Motto: “And Adlai Stevenson thought HE was a prophet without honor in his own party!”
Nickname: The Great Three-Time Loser
Pro: Made the famous “Cross of Gold” remark during the Free Silver days.
Con: This Democrat actually encouraged laws making it illegal for schools to teach evolution. (And we all know about his role in the Scopes Monkey Trial.)
BENJAMIN HARRISON (Lost to Grover Cleveland after defeating him 4 years earlier)
Motto: “Ya mean they hold one of these here election thingees EVERY FOUR YEARS?”
Nickname: “The guy who let Grover Cleveland become America’s only two-term president to serve those terms NON-consecutively.”
Pro: Had the White House wired for electricity.
Con: Is remembered for being shown up by both his grandfather AND grandson.
GROVER CLEVELAND (Lost to Benjamin Harrison)
Motto: “Give me four years to gain about thirty pounds and I’ll pummel this guy into oblivion!”
Nickname: Hot in Cleveland
Pro: His wife confidently told the White House staff that she and Grover would be back in four years.
Con: Proved that Democrat presidents could be incredibly callous to the plight of the poor and the working class.
JAMES G BLAINE (Lost to Grover Cleveland)
Motto: “Half-Breeds, how we learned to hate the word.” (My fellow geeks for 19th Century politics will get it. It’s NOT about race.)
Nickname: The continental liar from the state of Maine. That was his real nickname, albeit one concocted by his opponents.
Pro: Was an early supporter of President Abraham Lincoln.
Con: Was the inspiration for the catchy but annoying anti-Blaine chant “Blaine! Blaine! James G Blaine! Continental liar from the state o’ Maine!”
WINFIELD SCOTT HANCOCK (Lost to James Garfield)
Motto: “Hey, maybe I was just too decent a person to get elected.”
Nickname: The thunderbolt of the Army of the Potomac/ Hancock the Superb (tie)
Pro: Served as a Union General in the U.S. Civil War.
Con: Was used as a character in an alternate history novel by Newt “Get off my lawn” Gingrich.
Enjoy this holiday dedicated to a long line of people who abused the public trust while feathering their own nests and lecturing their constituents about living up to a moral and ethical code they themselves constantly violated.
FOR PART ONE OF PRESIDENTIAL WINNERS, WASHINGTON TO CLEVELAND, ROUND ONE, CLICK HERE: https://glitternight.com/2012/02/19/balladeers-blogs-presidential-pros-and-cons/
AND FOR MORE OF MY TAKES ON MINDLESS LIBERALS AND MINDLESS CONSERVATIVES CLICK HERE: https://glitternight.com/category/liberals-and-conservatives/
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