Tag Archives: humor

PRESIDENTIAL LOSERS: PROS AND CONS

mascot new look donkey and elephant headsIn the spirit of Balladeer’s Blog’s irreverent, tongue-in-cheek looks at the pros and cons of U.S. Presidents and Vice Presidents here’s another post for the upcoming Presidents Day three-day weekend. 

It’s my tongue-in-cheek look at the pros and cons of the LOSERS who were left in a defeated heap enroute to the Oval Office. In reverse order back to just before Tilden:

hillary-clinton-haitiHILLARY CLINTON (Lost to President Donald Trump)

Motto: “When the money keeps rolling in (to your fake charity), what’s a girl to do? Skim a little (well, quite a lot, actually) off the top for expenses wouldn’t you?”

Nickname: The Rapist’s Wife/ Crooked Hillary 

Hillary clinton dough nationPro: Her childish refusal to address her own supporters the night Donald Trump utterly humiliated her provided a look at how truly petty, shallow and classless she is. 

Con: She and her fascist followers tried to threaten the members of the Electoral College into casting their votes for her instead of Trump, thereby reaching the absolute lowest and most disgusting level that any American politician has ever sunk to. 

MITT ROMNEY (Lost to Obama)

Motto: “Pushing women back to the Fifties … the EIGHTEEN fifties!”

Nickname: The Mormon Mondale/ Ol’ Sploog Face (tie)

Pro: His even more pathetic running mate Paul Ryan actually made him look good by comparison.  Continue reading

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“EMPIRE” HATE CRIME

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PHOTO OF THE ALLEGED ATTACKERS IN THE “EMPIRE” HATE CRIME.

Dateline, Chicago – A Lithuanian-American (name withheld to protect him from reprisals) was walking down the street in Chicago recently when a gang of thugs wearing hats and t-shirts advertising Empire, a television show starring Jussie Smollett (NOT a gag name) attacked him. 

The unidentified thugs, apparently trying to beat the Lithuanian-American pride out of him, supposedly shouted pro-Empire slogans like “Seriously, homey, you should binge-watch Empire” and called it “Can’t-miss television” while pummeling their unfortunate victim.

Startlingly enough, it has come to light that, though the whiney, possibly lying Lithuanian-American claimed the attack and the slogans were overheard by his manager via his cell-phone, the Lithuanian-American refuses to provide his cell phone to prove his very shaky claims.

Reasonable people are doubting the event ever happened since no corroboration – NOT EVEN FROM SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE FROM THE TIME OF THE ATTACK – can support the outrageous claims made by the so-called “victim.” 

Authorities seem to be suspecting that the entire complaint is false and various reasonable people might be thinking the whole thing was a hoax to score cheap political points and generate publicity for the Lithuanian-American. Continue reading

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VICE PRESIDENTS – JOKES ABOUT THESE ULTIMATE SECOND BANANAS

John AdamsWith President’s Day approaching here’s the first of many seasonal posts.

John Adams called the Vice Presidency “the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived.” A very old joke went “Once there were two brothers. One ran away to sea and the other became Vice President. Neither was ever heard from again.”

In George S Kaufman’s and Morrie Ryskind’s classic stage work Of Thee I Sing one of the characters turns down an offer to be Vice President because he’s ashamed to have his mother know. He’s persuaded to accept the office when it’s pointed out that if he doesn’t tell her about it she’ll never find out.

The office has featured eminently forgettable figures as well as comic relief buffoons like Dan “The Global Village Idiot” Quayle and Joe “Koo Koo For Cocoa Puffs” Biden. In the light-hearted style of Balladeer’s Blog’s look at U.S. Presidents here’s a look at the men who got to hang around and see if the country’s Chief Executive wound up six feet under. I’m omitting VP’s who went on to actually become President, so no John Adams or Thomas Jefferson, etc. 

aaron-burrAARON BURR

Served Under: Jefferson 

Noted for: Shooting dead more Treasury Secretaries and hatching more plots to start his own country than any other Vice President. (So far, anyway.)

Best Burr Quote: “I’m still searching for the real killers of Alexander Hamilton.” 

GEORGE CLINTON

Served Under: Jefferson and Madison

Noted for: P-Funk and Funkadelic Leading American Rebel forces against the British troops of his loyalist cousin Sir Henry Clinton during the Revolutionary War.

Best Clinton Quote: “Do fries go with that shake?”

Elbridge GerryELBRIDGE GERRY

Served Under: Madison

Noted for: Pioneering the method of “Gerrymandering” political districts in a way that the modern day Democrats and Republicans have raised to a mainstay in the world of white collar crime which they inhabit.

Best Gerry Quote: “I’ll be immortalized as the man who invented Elbridge-mandering!”

DANIEL D TOMPKINS

Served Under: Monroe

Noted for: Being ruined by a scandal in which he was mistakenly accused of pocketing some of the funds he raised to conduct the War of 1812. Years later it was all revealed to be an accounting error. Continue reading

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MOCK HEADLINES: JANUARY 17th

trump and pelosiANTI-TRUMP LOONS ACCIDENTALLY PROVE DEMOCRAT COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA WHILE PURSUING TRUMP

DO GILLETTE RAZORS CAUSE CANCER? WHY TAKE CHANCES? 

CRAZED DEMOCRATS INSIST TRUMP IS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY FINISHED THIS TIME BECAUSE yaaaaaawwwwwwn

LOW IQ AOC IS LMAO FUN!

FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP STILL SPEAKS MORE LANGUAGES THAN BOTH OBAMAS COMBINED

NEW CALL FOR STUDY OF HOW MANY CONVICTED RAPISTS USED GILLETTE RAZORS

DEMOCRATS VOW TO MAKE 2019 THE YEAR THEY RENDER THE TERM “WHITE SUPREMACIST” AS OVERUSED AND MEANINGLESS AS THEY MADE THE WORD “RACIST”

FBI INSIDERS SAY “LOOK, WE CAN ACT AS POLITICAL SABOTEURS FOR THE DEMOCRATS OR WE CAN DO OUR ACTUAL JOBS, BUT NOT BOTH”

NANCY PELOSI REFUSES TO MEET WITH FAMILIES OF VICTIMS OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT CRIME (This one is true, by the way.) Continue reading

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BEST OF JULY 2018

Balladeer’s Blog continues its retrospective of The Best of 2018 with this look at July’s Best.

MaverickMAVERICK (1994): MOVIE REVIEW – Frontierado was fast approaching when I posted this review of the 1994 film version of the James Garner television series Maverick.

Virtually no movie adaptations of tv shows do real justice to their source material but this flick is a major exception! Mel Gibson plays Garner’s original role of Bret Maverick and is terrific. Jodie Foster and James Garner himself are along for the ride as co-stars in this gambler/ gunslinger classic. CLICK HERE   

#WalkAway#WALKAWAY MOVEMENT: DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE FROM THE DEMOCRAT PARTY – Gay man Brandon Straka became a dissident hero as he launched the #WALKAWAY movement. Straka provided organization to the ’til now random exodus from the increasingly fascistic and intolerant Democrat Party. (I myself went Independent years ago.) 

#WALKAWAY became a viral online phenomenon with video testimonials from many of us who have left the Democrats in disgust. The Democrats in the media, hilariously enough, tried to pretend it was all the work of Russian Bots! I’m not joking! Anyway, there was even a #WALKAWAY March on Washington and the group spawned offshoot organizations like #Blexit and #BlackLivesMAGA. CLICK HERE 

Fiji 3TUILAKEMBA: FIJIAN DEMIGOD – Balladeer’s Blog’s examination of the saga of Fiji’s heroic demigod Tuilakemba was a hit. I covered not just the original myths but the way Tuilakemba’s tale evolved over the centuries.

The heroic figure supposedly conquered all the islands of Fiji then departed in search of fresh conquests in the distant past. When French Missionaries made contact with Fiji the Fijians identified Napoleon with their departed conqueror Tuilakemba. CLICK HERE

Birds by Aristophanes 2ASK BALLADEER: WHY DID I LEAVE SICILY OUT OF MY EXAMINATION OF THE ANCIENT GREEK COMEDY THE BIRDS? – Many readers were curious why I left out the usual academic speculation about the invasion of Sicily in my look at Aristophanes’ comedy The Birds.

I laid out my many reasons in this blog post HERE

Flashman cutFLASHMAN: THE LOST ADVENTURES – I took advantage of the heavy interest in the reviews of my Top Five Harry Flashman Novels to go into total fanboy mode.

Using hints from George MacDonald Fraser’s offhand references to Harry’s unpublished adventures combined with research into potential Flashmanesque situations in various countries during the anti-hero’s 19th Century travels I speculated on Flashman Down Under, Flashman in the Opium War, Flashman and the Kings and The Battle Cry of Flashman. CLICK HERE

clones 2THE CLONES (1973): MOVIE REVIEW – Balladeer’s Blog reviewed this neglected science fiction suspense movie.

The storyline was dealing with what was back then the still fairly new topic of cloning.

To read the review of this hit and miss film click HERE

Scarlet GospelsCLIVE BARKER’S THE SCARLET GOSPELS (2015) – What Ridley Scott did to his Alien saga with Covenant, Clive Barker did to his Hellraiser series with his novel The Scarlet Gospels

Readers were excited to see what Barker would do with a story that pitted his Hellish masterfiend Pinhead against occult detective Harry D’Amour. This novel was a disaster in my eyes. CLICK HERE 

Zip WyattTHREE NEGLECTED GUNSLINGERS – Cash Hollister, Zip Wyatt and Black Ike don’t get as much love as names like Wild Bill Hickok, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid but they had eventful lives nonetheless.

To check out their Old West antics click HERE

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BEST OF MAY 2018

Balladeer’s Blog continues its retrospective of The Best of 2018 with this look at May’s Best.

SoloSOLO: BOOK REVIEW – I reviewed this Jack Higgins espionage novel. The story centered around efforts to stop an international assassin codenamed The Cretan Lover.

The Cretan (as the codename is often shortened to) is really John Mikali, Greek concert pianist from a wealthy family. During his alienated youth Mikali spent two years in the French Foreign Legion fighting in blood-drenched Algeria, providing the basic training for his career as an assassin. In hot pursuit is Welsh Colonel Asa Morgan, whose daughter died as collateral damage following one of Mikali’s killings. CLICK HERE

Pope Francis thumbs upPOPE FRANCIS, A MAN OF HIS WORD: THE WORST SUPERHERO MOVIE EVER – I reviewed the documentary about Francis as if it was a superhero movie being reviewed by one of the snarkier IMDb members.

If you are interested in reading this particular blog post CLICK HERE 

Obama pen and phoneNEW YORK TIMES OP-ED ON THE POMPOSITY OF THE AMERICAN LEFT’S TRUMP-HATERS – The title says it all.

This was written by a left-winger put off like so many of us by the pompous snobbery and hate-filled bigotry of the worst kind of anti-Trump loons. CLICK HERE

Mascot sword and pistolDYSTOPIA NATION: TECHNO-TYRANTS OF SILICON VALLEY – Balladeer’s Blog’s dystopian fiction examination of the 21st Century Robber Barons at Facebook, G**gle, Twitter and elsewhere becomes more timely by the day.

The invasion of privacy and outright attack on freedom of expression being run by the one-percenters of Silicon Valley really are like dystopian science fiction come to life. CLICK HERE

Education or indoctrination gifFACULTY LOUNGE FASCIST ROUNDUP: MAY 7th – One of the most popular installments of this ongoing series about how American colleges and universities have become churches of irrational thought.

Faculty Lounge Fascists abuse their positions to browbeat their students into agreeing with their narrow-minded worldview while filing complaints about anyone and everyone who disagrees with them. CLICK HERE

Flashman and the Mountain of Light 2FLASHMAN NOVELS: SIXTH PLACE – Because of the success and popularity of Balladeer’s Blog’s review of The Top Five Harry Flashman Novels I threw in this bonus sixth-place (out of twelve) book.

That bonus novel was Flashman and the Mountain of Light, which featured George MacDonald Fraser’s infamous antihero Harry Paget Flashman, the First Sikh War and the huge gem called the Koh-I-Noor (“Mountain of Light”) Diamond. CLICK HERE   Continue reading

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JOY BEHAR’S FAVORITE TRUMP BOOK FOR CHRISTMAS: TRUMP’S ENEMIES

Joy Behar IdiotJoy Behar, whose pitch-perfect impression of hate-filled, slobbering anti-Trump fascists has made her famous, recently told a Balladeer’s Blog reporter during an interview that never happened that she has a book recommendation for Christmas.

Joy Behar’s favorite Donald Trump book is titled Trump’s Enemies: How The Deep State Is Undermining The Presidency.

Trump's EnemiesJowly Joy enthusiastically called it “A terrific look at the cesspool of corruption which masquerades as the American government. De facto Third Party President Donald Trump is uniquely qualified to rock the crooked DC boat since he is NOT a career politician like all the other Made Members of America’s Criminal Class of Officeholders.” 

Or maybe I was the one who blurted that out. It’s all a blur now. But at any rate TRUMP’S ENEMIES can be bought HERE 

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