Tag Archives: humor

FOURTEEN MOVIES AND SHOWS TOO DARING FOR HOLLYWOOD

masc chair and bottleBalladeer’s Blog takes a look at several controversial pieces of entertainment too edgy for the mainstream.

… BUT NAMES WILL NEVER HURT ME (2016) – Is it real? If it is, is it MEANT to be as funny as it is? Left-wingers and right-wingers try to shame into silence the contestants on a game show. This is done by calling them “racists” if they are pro-freedom of expression and “baby-killers” if they are pro-choice on abortion.  Real or fake, this game show is sure to offend almost everybody. Continue reading

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LEAP DAY MILESTONES

Charles “The Bearded Badass” Darwin

Some things happen only once every four years – things like Democrat Joe Biden having a coherent thought and Republican Mitt Romney prying his head out of his ass. Another one of those things would be February 29th: Leap Day. Balladeer’s Blog takes a look at some of the milestone events that got cheated out of a yearly anniversary by happening on this date.

1704 – French provocateurs and Native Americans attack Deerfield, MA and kill roughly 50 inhabitants while abducting 100. Ronald Reagan’s ancestor recommends selling arms to Persia to secure the release of the abductees. Elizabeth Warren’s ancestor recommends killing all the Native Americans and then claiming to BE part Native American when it’s monetarily or politically convenient.

1712 – In Sweden February 29th is followed by February 30th to help usher in the new calendar system … and because Al Sharpton’s ancestor demanded an extra day in February to make Black History Month a little bit longer.  

1720 – Back to Sweden, where Queen Ulrica Eleonora resigns following general public ridicule of her name “Ulrica”. I’m kidding! But she did resign.

1784 – In France, the Marquis de Sade is transferred from the fortress of Vincennes to the Bastille in exchange for 3 other sadists and a masochist to be named later.

1832 – Charles Darwin explores the Brazilian jungle and gets a great idea for how he can screw with religious nuts even long after he’s dead.

1836 – In Paris, Meyerbeers’ opera Les Huguenots premieres. Nobody cared back then either. Continue reading

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Filed under humor, Neglected History, opinion

ANOTHER TWENTY FAILED PREDICTIONS FROM PSYCHICS

masc graveyard newAmong the most popular posts here at Balladeer’s Blog are this series of items regarding comical – sometimes hilarious – failed predictions from psychics. In the spirit of shameless pandering, here’s another!

ETHEL JOHNSON MEYERS

*** In the late 1970s or early 1980s Communist China will use atomic bombs in the United States.

*** Mao Tse-tung will die by 1973.

Nuclear Explosion With Orange Mushroom CloudDOCTOR N (This was the actual alias of a supposed physician and/or psychiatrist who did not want their identity known when they gave predictions.)

*** The Communist Chinese will bomb San Francisco on December 29th, 1970.

*** The United States and China will be at war by 1972 at the latest. America’s west coast states will become uninhabitable by radioactive fallout from something called “water blasts.” By the war’s end most of the U.S. will be destroyed and 190 million Chinese people would be dead.

*** By 1972 a Dr Martin will discover a cure for cancer. Continue reading

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VICE PRESIDENTS – JOKES ABOUT THESE ULTIMATE SECOND BANANAS

John Adams

John Adams

Since it’s Presidents Day Weekend here’s another seasonal post.

John Adams called the Vice Presidency “the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived.” A very old joke went “Once there were two brothers. One ran away to sea and the other became Vice President. Neither was ever heard from again.”

In George S Kaufman’s and Morrie Ryskind’s classic stage work Of Thee I Sing one of the characters turns down an offer to be Vice President because he’s ashamed to have his mother know. He’s persuaded to accept the office when it’s pointed out that if he doesn’t tell her about it she’ll never find out.

The office has featured eminently forgettable figures as well as comic relief buffoons like Dan “The Global Village Idiot” Quayle and Joe “Koo Koo For Cocoa Puffs” Biden. In the light-hearted style of Balladeer’s Blog’s look at U.S. Presidents here’s a look at the men who got to hang around and see if the country’s Chief Executive wound up six feet under. I’m omitting VP’s who went on to actually become President, so no John Adams or Thomas Jefferson, etc. 

aaron-burrAARON BURR

Served Under: Jefferson 

Noted for: Shooting dead more Treasury Secretaries and hatching more plots to start his own country than any other Vice President. (So far, anyway.)

Best Burr Quote: “I’m still searching for the real killers of Alexander Hamilton.” 

GEORGE CLINTON

Served Under: Jefferson and Madison

Noted for: P-Funk and Funkadelic Leading American Rebel forces against the British troops of his loyalist cousin Sir Henry Clinton during the Revolutionary War. Continue reading

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Filed under humor, Neglected History, opinion, Presidential Rap Sheets

TWENTY LOSING PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

mascot new look donkey and elephant headsBalladeer’s Blog will be featuring plenty of Top 20 lists in honor of the year 2020. Here’s one featuring 10 Democrats and 10 Republicans yet you know partisans will accuse me of favoring one or the other party in this list. What can ya do? Anyway, in no particular order:

James M CoxJAMES M COX (Lost to Harding)

Gang Affiliation: Democrat 

Motto: “But Harding said ‘NORMALCY’ for God’s sake!”

Nickname: The Man Who Ran With Franklin Roosevelt As His Vice Presidential Candidate. 

Pro: Was so manly even his last name was phallic. 

Con: Founded Cox Communications, vowing that someday his company’s unsympathetic and unprofessional Cable Company employees would make the country pay for not electing him.

No man is good three timesWENDELL WILKIE (Lost to FDR in 1940)

Gang Affiliation: Republican

Motto: “No man is good three times.” For once I’m using the REAL motto that the person ran under for president. Wilkie’s campaign was referring to the way FDR was running for President for the third time in a row, hence the “three times.” Given the cultural taboos of the time it was apparently NOT intended as a dirty double-entendre but these days we can’t think of it any other way.

Nickname: The Guy Who Wasn’t Good Once, Let Alone Three Times

Pro: Was open-minded enough to plan with FDR the possible formation of a third major Political Party once World War Two was over.

Con: Died even before Roosevelt did, tragically depriving America of that Third Party that might have forever changed history with two such prominent men pushing it. 

Continue reading

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Filed under humor, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, Neglected History, opinion

TWENTY MORE FAILED PREDICTIONS FROM PSYCHICS

masc graveyard newBalladeer’s Blog’s previous items on hilariously failed predictions by “psychics” were so popular here’s a fourth installment.

JEANE DIXON

*** By 1990 the U.S. will have its first female president.

*** In 1988 the Russians and their satellite nations will invade the Middle East and occupy Israel and its neighboring Muslim nations. The resulting war of resistance against the Soviets will last 7 years.

*** In 1995 the United States, United Kingdom, France, Germany and Japan will establish a headquarters in Rome to begin strategizing for a counteroffensive against the Soviets in the Middle East. A great Allied leader will emerge from the Rome preparations.

*** In 1999 the Allies will be at war with the Soviets. Russian nuclear missiles will wipe out most coastal cities in the U.S. as well as many cities in Europe.

*** In the year 2000 the Soviet forces in Israel will be destroyed by the U.S. and its allies. The great Allied leader mentioned before will be hailed as a savior, ruler and conquering hero. However, they will prove to be a “false prophet of evil.” (So would a false prophet of evil be a prophet of goodness?) 

*** By 2005 China will conquer all of Asia and move into the Middle East. Nuclear war will be unleashed again and China will be defeated after the loss of millions of lives. (Sure, we can look back on it now and laugh, but back THEN …) Continue reading

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STAR WARS: EPISODE TEN OPENING CRAWL

Balladeer’s Blog’s sources in the industry – and by the industry I mean the business – have leaked to me the wording of the opening crawl for the next Star Wars movie.

Dark Rey“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away … 

EPISODE X: SUBVERT THIS!

DEJA VU! Rey Skywalker has fallen to the Dark Side! Rechristening herself Empress Palpatine she single-handedly conquered every inhabited world in dozens of galaxies. On the second day she conquered even more!

Using heretofore unknown Force abilities, Empress Palpatine altered the fabric of reality itself to the point where no one alive even remembers a time when she was not the unquestioned ruler of thousands of planets. Continue reading

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