Tag Archives: humor

TWENTY LOSING PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

mascot new look donkey and elephant headsBalladeer’s Blog will be featuring plenty of Top 20 lists in honor of the year 2020. Here’s one featuring 10 Democrats and 10 Republicans yet you know partisans will accuse me of favoring one or the other party in this list. What can ya do? Anyway, in no particular order:

James M CoxJAMES M COX (Lost to Harding)

Gang Affiliation: Democrat 

Motto: “But Harding said ‘NORMALCY’ for God’s sake!”

Nickname: The Man Who Ran With Franklin Roosevelt As His Vice Presidential Candidate. 

Pro: Was so manly even his last name was phallic. 

Con: Founded Cox Communications, vowing that someday his company’s unsympathetic and unprofessional Cable Company employees would make the country pay for not electing him.

No man is good three timesWENDELL WILKIE (Lost to FDR in 1940)

Gang Affiliation: Republican

Motto: “No man is good three times.” For once I’m using the REAL motto that the person ran under for president. Wilkie’s campaign was referring to the way FDR was running for President for the third time in a row, hence the “three times.” Given the cultural taboos of the time it was apparently NOT intended as a dirty double-entendre but these days we can’t think of it any other way.

Nickname: The Guy Who Wasn’t Good Once, Let Alone Three Times

Pro: Was open-minded enough to plan with FDR the possible formation of a third major Political Party once World War Two was over.

Con: Died even before Roosevelt did, tragically depriving America of that Third Party that might have forever changed history with two such prominent men pushing it. 

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TWENTY MORE FAILED PREDICTIONS FROM PSYCHICS

masc graveyard newBalladeer’s Blog’s previous items on hilariously failed predictions by “psychics” were so popular here’s a fourth installment.

JEANE DIXON

*** By 1990 the U.S. will have its first female president.

*** In 1988 the Russians and their satellite nations will invade the Middle East and occupy Israel and its neighboring Muslim nations. The resulting war of resistance against the Soviets will last 7 years.

*** In 1995 the United States, United Kingdom, France, Germany and Japan will establish a headquarters in Rome to begin strategizing for a counteroffensive against the Soviets in the Middle East. A great Allied leader will emerge from the Rome preparations.

*** In 1999 the Allies will be at war with the Soviets. Russian nuclear missiles will wipe out most coastal cities in the U.S. as well as many cities in Europe.

*** In the year 2000 the Soviet forces in Israel will be destroyed by the U.S. and its allies. The great Allied leader mentioned before will be hailed as a savior, ruler and conquering hero. However, they will prove to be a “false prophet of evil.” (So would a false prophet of evil be a prophet of goodness?) 

*** By 2005 China will conquer all of Asia and move into the Middle East. Nuclear war will be unleashed again and China will be defeated after the loss of millions of lives. (Sure, we can look back on it now and laugh, but back THEN …) Continue reading

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STAR WARS: EPISODE TEN OPENING CRAWL

Balladeer’s Blog’s sources in the industry – and by the industry I mean the business – have leaked to me the wording of the opening crawl for the next Star Wars movie.

Dark Rey“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away … 

EPISODE X: SUBVERT THIS!

DEJA VU! Rey Skywalker has fallen to the Dark Side! Rechristening herself Empress Palpatine she single-handedly conquered every inhabited world in dozens of galaxies. On the second day she conquered even more!

Using heretofore unknown Force abilities, Empress Palpatine altered the fabric of reality itself to the point where no one alive even remembers a time when she was not the unquestioned ruler of thousands of planets. Continue reading

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BEST OF MARCH 2019

Balladeer’s Blog’s look back at 2019 continues:

GeorgesTHREE NEGLECTED SWASHBUCKLER NOVELS FROM ALEXANDRE DUMAS – Reviews of Georges, in which a master swordsman fights slavery in Mauritius; Captain Pamphile, another anti-slavery tale from Dumas, this one about a pirate captain; and La Dame De Monsoureau, about a 16th Century rogue and his bed & battle adventures. CLICK HERE

DISSENTER.COM, FIGHTING FOR FREE SPEECH ONLINE – A look at Dissenter.com and its underdog battle with the Techno-Fascists at google, facebook and twitter. CLICK HERE 

Mardi Gras MassacreMARDI GRAS MASSACRE (1978) – A review of a classically bad seasonal slasher movie which featured human sacrifices and inept police work during Mardi Gras. CLICK HERE 

AMERICAN COMEDIANS: INSULTING BEGGARS TO MAKE KINGS LAUGH – 21st Century American comedians would much rather serve as sycophantic court jesters for the powers that be instead of siding with the underdogs. CLICK HERE

EndgamePOST-APOCALYPSE MOVIES – Balladeer’s Blog’s reviews of 1980s imitations of Mad Max

It’s Endgame, about a futuristic gladiator leading mutant fugitives to freedom; and the Empire of Ash Trilogy, three films featuring sufferers of an atomic blood disease hunting down healthy victims to extract their bone marrow. CLICK HERE and HERE  

MARK ZUCKERBERG LOOKS AT POETRY – A comedy bit about humanoid Techno-Fascist Mark Zuckerberg using algorithms to translate poetry. CLICK HERE

Magus 1ADAM WARLOCK, THANOS, GAMORA AND DRAX – A review of the 1975 tale of Adam Warlock tangling with the Magus and his 1,000-world empire. Featuring the VERY FIRST appearance of GAMORA. CLICK HERE , HERE and HERE

COURAGEOUS MEGAN HARRIS – A look at another brave woman of the 21st Century. CLICK HERE

Fool Killer illustrationTHE FOOL KILLER – Balladeer’s Blog’s exhaustive examination of 19th and 20th Century Fool Killer folklore, beginning with the Fool Killer Letters in the Milton Chronicle in the 1850s.

A look at a fascinating yet neglected folk figure. CLICK HERE  Continue reading

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COTTABUS PLAYERS (CIRCA 420s B.C.): ANCIENT GREEK COMEDY

Balladeer’s Blog examines yet another ancient Greek comedy which has survived only in fragmentary form.

Theater of Dionysus

The Ruins of the Theater of Dionysus in Athens.

COTTABUS PLAYERS (c 420s B.C.) – This comedy was written by Ameipsias, whose career as an Athenian comic poet ran from approximately the 420s B.C. to the 390s B.C. In the Dionysia Festival of 423 B.C. he won 2nd Place for his comedy Connus and in 414 B.C’s Dionysia he won 1st place for The Revelers. Ameipsias also won 1st place at a Lenaea Festival but the year and title of his entry are not known.

Regular readers of Balladeer’s Blog will remember that Cottabus was a party game in ancient Athens and had two variations. The “lesser” variation involved the hard-drinking guests (and virtually ALL guests at ancient Athenian parties were hard-drinking) throwing the wine-lees at the bottoms of their cups at a plate balanced on a pole, with the winner being the one who knocked the plate off the pole.

masc chair and bottleThe “greater” variation, to the proud, sea-faring Athenians, who “ruled the waves” long before Britons came along, involved throwing their wine-lees at plates floating in a pool, with the winner being the one who sank each plate. This small-scale equivalent of naval warfare was, according to Athenaeus, the more prestigious version and was characteristic of a more “high-end” party.

The all-important Chorus of this comedy by Ameipsias was presumably a set of rowdy, drunken Cottabus players. Let’s take a look at what can be gleaned from the surviving fragments:

** The comedy’s characters were SO drunk (“How drunk were they?”) they were using their projectile vomiting instead of wine-lees to sink the floating plates.      Continue reading

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JOE BIDEN’S BIZARRE “NO MALARKEY” SLOGAN

Biden no malarkeyJoe Biden’s hilariously bizarre but endlessly entertaining political campaign continues. Nibbling on his wife’s fingers while she was trying to deliver a speech on his behalf, telling pervy stories about little kids rubbing his “hairy legs” around a public swimming pool, claiming he comes from “the black community” and that he went to “an HBCU,” Joe always brings the crazy.

Sometimes it’s not his fault, like when his dentures came loose during one of the televised debates, his grotesquely bloody eye during another debate, Obama preferring to endorse Canada’s Prime Minister while snubbing Joe, etc. But for every time fate makes Joe’s buffoonish nature impossible to ignore there are plenty of other times when he is the author of his own destruction. Well, destruction plagiarized from someone else, anyway.

biden fingerBiden’s inept coverup of his and his son Hunter’s corruption, the inane “gang member Corn Pop” tall tale, and so much more came to mind when I learned Quid Pro Joe’s newest slogan: “No Malarkey!” Seriously. THAT’S what he and his staff came up with. I guess they feel that slogan is the bee’s knees. Or the cat’s pajamas.  

If you’re going to use a pathetic and outdated expression like “No Malarkey” you should at least go all the way and add “Dagnabit!” at the end of it. C’mon, Joe! Commit to the bit! 

Will Joe’s opponents for the Democrats’ nomination escalate things? Will they announce new slogans like “No balderdash!”, “No hooey!”, “23 Skidoo” or “I’m what made us wiser than the Kaiser?” Should voters watch out for “Oh, rubbish!” or “Stuff and nonsense!” or a dangerously succinct “Nertz!” This could spiral out of control if they’re not careful. One of them may even resurrect “No horseplay!” in response to Joe’s creepy public pool story and his pervy confession that he loves it when children jump in his lap.

mascot new look donkey and elephant headsI can’t wait for insider accounts of the Biden campaign so I can read all about the bitter in-fighting over whether or not to use an exclamation point or a more statesmanlike period after Malarkey in that slogan. And did Joe’s advisers warn him that Americans might not be ready for a Malarkey-denier in the White House?

It remains to be seen if Biden’s new zero tolerance policy regarding Malarkey will be the game-changer he feverishly hopes it will be, but in the meantime “No Malarkey” has joined Wendell Wilkie’s “No man is good three times” as my favorite absurd campaign slogan.    

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BALLADEER’S BLOG’S THANKSGIVING WITH J.J. ABRAMS

Harold LloydHappy Thanksgiving from Balladeer’s Blog and my very special guest J.J. Abrams (left). Yes, I know that’s Harold Lloyd. I’m a Silent Movie geek, remember?

J.J. is thankful that there are still plenty of successful movie and television franchises left for him to tamper with and utterly destroy.

But hey, lens flares! Amirite?  Continue reading

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