Regular readers of Balladeer’s Blog are familiar with my fondness for the old, old Movie Host shows. Here is the ballot for 2019 which lets you select your five nominees for the Horror Host Hall of Fame. VOTING ENDS FEBRUARY 15th SO JUST ONE WEEK LEFT!
Filed under Bad and weird movies, humor, Movie Hosts
PHOTO OF THE ALLEGED ATTACKERS IN THE “EMPIRE” HATE CRIME.
Dateline, Chicago – A Lithuanian-American (name withheld to protect him from reprisals) was walking down the street in Chicago recently when a gang of thugs wearing hats and t-shirts advertising Empire, a television show starring Jussie Smollett (NOT a gag name) attacked him.
The unidentified thugs, apparently trying to beat the Lithuanian-American pride out of him, supposedly shouted pro-Empire slogans like “Seriously, homey, you should binge-watch Empire” and called it “Can’t-miss television” while pummeling their unfortunate victim.
Startlingly enough, it has come to light that, though the whiney, possibly lying Lithuanian-American claimed the attack and the slogans were overheard by his manager via his cell-phone, the Lithuanian-American refuses to provide his cell phone to prove his very shaky claims.
Reasonable people are doubting the event ever happened since no corroboration – NOT EVEN FROM SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE FROM THE TIME OF THE ATTACK – can support the outrageous claims made by the so-called “victim.”
Authorities seem to be suspecting that the entire complaint is false and various reasonable people might be thinking the whole thing was a hoax to score cheap political points and generate publicity for the Lithuanian-American. Continue reading
Filed under humor, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, opinion
With President’s Day approaching here’s the first of many seasonal posts.
John Adams called the Vice Presidency “the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived.” A very old joke went “Once there were two brothers. One ran away to sea and the other became Vice President. Neither was ever heard from again.”
In George S Kaufman’s and Morrie Ryskind’s classic stage work Of Thee I Sing one of the characters turns down an offer to be Vice President because he’s ashamed to have his mother know. He’s persuaded to accept the office when it’s pointed out that if he doesn’t tell her about it she’ll never find out.
The office has featured eminently forgettable figures as well as comic relief buffoons like Dan “The Global Village Idiot” Quayle and Joe “Koo Koo For Cocoa Puffs” Biden. In the light-hearted style of Balladeer’s Blog’s look at U.S. Presidents here’s a look at the men who got to hang around and see if the country’s Chief Executive wound up six feet under. I’m omitting VP’s who went on to actually become President, so no John Adams or Thomas Jefferson, etc.
AARON BURR
Served Under: Jefferson
Noted for: Shooting dead more Treasury Secretaries and hatching more plots to start his own country than any other Vice President. (So far, anyway.)
Best Burr Quote: “I’m still searching for the real killers of Alexander Hamilton.”
GEORGE CLINTON
Served Under: Jefferson and Madison
Noted for: P-Funk and Funkadelic Leading American Rebel forces against the British troops of his loyalist cousin Sir Henry Clinton during the Revolutionary War.
Best Clinton Quote: “Do fries go with that shake?”
ELBRIDGE GERRY
Served Under: Madison
Noted for: Pioneering the method of “Gerrymandering” political districts in a way that the modern day Democrats and Republicans have raised to a mainstay in the world of white collar crime which they inhabit.
Best Gerry Quote: “I’ll be immortalized as the man who invented Elbridge-mandering!”
DANIEL D TOMPKINS
Served Under: Monroe
Noted for: Being ruined by a scandal in which he was mistakenly accused of pocketing some of the funds he raised to conduct the War of 1812. Years later it was all revealed to be an accounting error. Continue reading
Filed under humor, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, Neglected History
ANTI-TRUMP LOONS ACCIDENTALLY PROVE DEMOCRAT COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA WHILE PURSUING TRUMP
DO GILLETTE RAZORS CAUSE CANCER? WHY TAKE CHANCES?
CRAZED DEMOCRATS INSIST TRUMP IS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY FINISHED THIS TIME BECAUSE yaaaaaawwwwwwn
LOW IQ AOC IS LMAO FUN!
FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP STILL SPEAKS MORE LANGUAGES THAN BOTH OBAMAS COMBINED
NEW CALL FOR STUDY OF HOW MANY CONVICTED RAPISTS USED GILLETTE RAZORS
DEMOCRATS VOW TO MAKE 2019 THE YEAR THEY RENDER THE TERM “WHITE SUPREMACIST” AS OVERUSED AND MEANINGLESS AS THEY MADE THE WORD “RACIST”
FBI INSIDERS SAY “LOOK, WE CAN ACT AS POLITICAL SABOTEURS FOR THE DEMOCRATS OR WE CAN DO OUR ACTUAL JOBS, BUT NOT BOTH”
NANCY PELOSI REFUSES TO MEET WITH FAMILIES OF VICTIMS OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT CRIME (This one is true, by the way.) Continue reading
Filed under humor, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, opinion
TED BUNDY SAID “IF I HAD NEVER SHAVED WITH A GILLETTE RAZOR ALL MY VICTIMS WOULD BE ALIVE TODAY.” (Oh, wait, he didn’t say that. But why take chances?)
A new study shows that using Gillette brand razors is a sure indicator that the user is a rapist, a woman-beater and quite possibly a child molester. Many consumers had been troubled for years by the toxic plastic used in Gillette razors and some had even called for boycotts of the company similar to recent actions against plastic straws but this new information is even more alarming.
Shaving with a Gillette razor raises the odds of a man being a rapist and woman-beater by roughly 87% the scientific study found (see below). Switch to DOLLAR SHAVE CLUB to combat rape and violence against women by the animals who use Gillette products.
The Gillette brand may wind up as toxic as I.G. Farben because of the Holocaust in World War Two. Surely nobody with a conscience would use those environment-destroying plastic razors from Gillette.
If you love women … if you love your children … avoid Gillette razors as if their lives depended on it. And you’ll be saving the planet from Gillette’s toxic plastic, too. Continue reading
Filed under humor, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, Neglected History, opinion
Last night privileged white Democrats Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi looked like they had been abducted to an undisclosed location and forced to recite propaganda by their captors.
It would almost be funny if not for how callous Democrats continue to be toward the people who have lost loved ones who were killed by illegal immigrants over the years. 266,000 arrests of illegal immigrants the past 2 years alone! (That’s per the Democrat outlet the Washington Post, so the real figure is probably much higher.)
One network even brought in James Carville to offer some commentary. If you’re wondering, Carville has spent nearly two decades now just wandering from camera to camera spouting the same 1990s take on politics. I understand that for a fee Carville will even appear in your wedding video to provide perspective on how the nuptials might impact the Clintons.
Filed under humor, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, Neglected History, opinion
Joy Behar, whose pitch-perfect impression of hate-filled, slobbering anti-Trump fascists has made her famous, recently told a Balladeer’s Blog reporter during an interview that never happened that she has a book recommendation for Christmas.
Joy Behar’s favorite Donald Trump book is titled Trump’s Enemies: How The Deep State Is Undermining The Presidency.
Jowly Joy enthusiastically called it “A terrific look at the cesspool of corruption which masquerades as the American government. De facto Third Party President Donald Trump is uniquely qualified to rock the crooked DC boat since he is NOT a career politician like all the other Made Members of America’s Criminal Class of Officeholders.”
Or maybe I was the one who blurted that out. It’s all a blur now. But at any rate TRUMP’S ENEMIES can be bought HERE
Christmas Carol-A-Thon 2018 rolls along. Heath – one of Balladeer’s Blog’s long-time readers – has done a Supercut version of A Christmas Carol. The video runs 53 minutes and is sheer genius! Plus the rest of the videos on Heath’s channel are worth checking out as well!
Filed under A CHRISTMAS CAROL, humor
For this holiday week Balladeer’s Blog is focusing on topics that are seasonal. This time around it’s bad movies and hilariously lame educational shorts that have a specific Thanksgiving theme. As always my Bad Movie page contains full-length reviews of the films I’m offering a brief synopsis of here.
BLOOD FREAK (1972) – This movie is about a man who turns into a murderous monster with the head of a turkey after he eats a chemically treated gobbler at the turkey farm where he works. Blood Freak has been a cult classic for Thanksgiving for decades now, with many Movie Host shows of the late 70s onward making a point of screening it at this time of year (including The Texas 27 Film Vault). The biker who turns into the blood-crazed turkey monster is an Elvis look-alike which adds to the fun. So does the desk-bound, chain-smoking, script-reading narrator who sermonizes about the evils of drug abuse while the movie plays.
A DAY OF THANKSGIVING (1951) – This 12 minute educational short would make a nice dessert after a Turkey Day screening of Blood Freak. The Johnson family – composed of Mom, Dad, Dick, Susan, Tommy and the toddler Janet – can’t afford a turkey for Thanksgiving. The children are at first callously (and comically) bratty about it, but relent after Dad – in his sexiest voice for some reason – gives the kids a lecture about being grateful for what you have instead of obsessing over the things you don’t have. Continue reading
Filed under Bad and weird movies, humor
More than eleven years after its posting online, this specially edited trailer for The Wicker Man remake as if it’s a comedy STILL hasn’t gotten nearly as much love as it deserves. So, for a holiday season break here is one of the few reworked trailers that is utterly hilarious because it doesn’t cheat by inserting footage from other movies. This baby is all pure video and audio from the Nicolas “What’s in the bag? … A shaaarrrk?” Cage remake.
Filed under Bad and weird movies, humor
Balladeer's Blog 