Dateline, Chicago – A Lithuanian-American (name withheld to protect him from reprisals) was walking down the street in Chicago recently when a gang of thugs wearing hats and t-shirts advertising Empire, a television show starring Jussie Smollett (NOT a gag name) attacked him. 

The unidentified thugs, apparently trying to beat the Lithuanian-American pride out of him, supposedly shouted pro-Empire slogans like “Seriously, homey, you should binge-watch Empire” and called it “Can’t-miss television” while pummeling their unfortunate victim.

Startlingly enough, it has come to light that, though the whiney, possibly lying Lithuanian-American claimed the attack and the slogans were overheard by his manager via his cell-phone, the Lithuanian-American refuses to provide his cell phone to prove his very shaky claims.

Reasonable people are doubting the event ever happened since no corroboration – NOT EVEN FROM SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE FROM THE TIME OF THE ATTACK – can support the outrageous claims made by the so-called “victim.” 

Authorities seem to be suspecting that the entire complaint is false and various reasonable people might be thinking the whole thing was a hoax to score cheap political points and generate publicity for the Lithuanian-American.

A confidential source in the Chicago police department told a nonexistent Balladeer’s Blog reporter “This piece of shit may be lying about this, is what some of our officers might be thinking to themselves.”

The Lithuanian-American is accusing doubters of being “haters” and “Nazis” who suffer from Lithuaniphobia.

I know, right?  


Filed under humor, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, opinion

14 responses to ““EMPIRE” HATE CRIME

  1. Felicia

    Great post. Smollett’s story seems to be falling apart in places.

  2. M Dodd

    This may finally shed a lot of attention on the many other hate hoaxes that have been increasing.

  3. LaShonda

    Great post. Jussie Smollett is in for a lot of scrutiny.

  4. Brad Harrison

    Funny! This whole situation became a farce.

  5. Alaina

    Dave Chappelle called Smollett a liar in his latest standup show.

  6. Sid the Kid

    Smollett is a fool!