Tag Archives: movie reviews

THE SWASHBUCKLER MOVIES OF PAUL HENREID

Paul Henreid, perhaps best known as Victor Laszlo in Casablanca, also starred in a few swashbuckler films in the 1940s and 1950s.

THE SPANISH MAIN (1945) – In the 1600s, Dutch Captain Laurent van Horn (Paul Henreid) is using his ship to transport refugees from the current war in Holland to safety in the Carolina Colonies. Storms and other misfortunes cause the ship to go wildly off course, ultimately wrecking near Cartagena. Spanish Colonial Governor Don Juan Alvarado (Walter Slezak) imprisons Laurent and his crew, sentencing them to hang.

Captain van Horn leads his men in escaping the prison and stealing a ship they rechristen the Barracuda. Over the next five years they thrive as pirates preying on Spanish shipping and thumbing their noses at villainous Governor Alvarado every chance they get.

One day they seize the Spanish Galleon taking Contessa Francesca (Maureen O’Hara) to Cartagena to marry Alvarado. Feisty Francesca impresses Laurent with her spirit and her beauty, so when she offers him her hand in marriage if he spares the lives of her escorts he gladly accepts.

Captain van Horn and his crew take the Contessa to the port where the Barracuda and other pirate vessels hide out. A very inaccurate rendition of pirate Anne Bonny (Binnie Barnes) is jealous that Francesca has taken her man Laurent. She joins forces with pirate captains who resent van Horn’s leadership to deliver Francesca to Alvarado.

The bad guys and gals also capture Laurent and offer to turn him over to Alvarado for a big payday. Naturally, the pirate captain and the Contessa manage to defeat the villains and cement their romance. 100 minutes.  Continue reading

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SECRET OF THE INCAS (1954) CHARLTON HESTON AS A MORE GROUNDED INDIANA JONES AND HAN SOLO

SECRET OF THE INCAS (1954) – Considering that some of the costume and design staff members for Raiders of the Lost Ark have openly stated that they did repeated viewings of this neglected Charlton Heston film while putting together the “look” of that 1981 blockbuster I admit to being as puzzled as they are that Secret of the Incas isn’t mentioned as much as old serials are as an influence.

And let me emphasize that I do mean “influence”, and not imitation or rip-off. In my opinion, the most that could be said is that this 1954 flick is like Raiders of the Lost Ark before they added the choreographed action scenes and special effects. The storyline in Secret of the Incas involves violent, double-crossing and deadly attempts by shady and not-so-shady figures to discover and claim/ steal an ancient Inca relic … from Machu Pichu itself!

Location filming in Peru greatly improves the quality of this overlooked film. Footage of Machu Pichu’s 1950s condition is fascinating and Peruvian singer Yma Sumac as priestess Kori-Tica performs a few folk songs in honor of Inca culture. Expect a movie closer to Film Noir with archeological trappings rather than an action spectacle and you may enjoy Secret of the Incas as much as I do. Beautiful Nicole Maurey plays Heston’s love interest.    

Moving on to the elephant in the room, Charlton Heston as Harry Steele wears beard stubble and what is now called “an Indiana Jones hat” in addition to an Indy jacket. Heston’s character is also a pilot so the jacket has logo patches on each side and is accessorized by a flight scarf but otherwise he looks every inch the visual basis for a certain two-fisted archeologist.

Remember when Marion Ravenwood tells Dr. Jones “You’re not the man I knew ten years ago.” Well, it’s tempting to think that Harry Steele IS what Indy was like ten years ago. Brasher than Jones in Raiders and as ruthless as Han Solo, Steele is also fluent in multiple languages, including Quechua. As a veteran relic hunter he’s also well-versed in ancient cultures and is buddies with the scholars at Cuzco’s museum. Continue reading

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BAD MOVIE: HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! LOVE, GEORGE (1973)

Despite the movie poster's warning this flick won't even untie your shoelaces. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! LOVE, GEORGE (1973) – Directed by THE Darren McGavin and featuring his wife Kathie Browne in a small role, this hilariously bizarre film is also known as Run, Stranger, Run. “Run, Potential Viewer, Run” would be a more appropriate title. 

Happy Mother’s Day Love, George  (henceforth HMDLG) is often described as a psycho-sexual thriller but actually it is nothing more than a melodramatic soap opera with a few murders and VERY few scenes of blood and gore. Those blood and gore scenes are so over-the-top they are completely at odds with the low-key, almost made-for-tv mildness of the rest of the movie.

This was a theatrical release but is so subdued and slow-paced it seems like a telefilm. You and your friends can keep yourselves entertained making jokes about the recognizable cast members to kill time since the first murder doesn’t happen until we’re more than an hour into this flick.

Mascot FOUR original pics

Balladeer’s Blog

Ron Howard IS Johnny, a teenager who has come to town to discover who his birth parents are but who mostly just stands around staring at people and ESPECIALLY at houses. He seems completely taken aback that the townspeople find this somewhat creepy. Johnny is intrigued by the rash of missing persons plaguing the small town and feels they are connected to the secret of his past. Continue reading

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BAD MOVIE: THE BRAIN (1962)

brainTHE BRAIN (1962) – Freddie Francis directed this black & white film, which was the third movie adaptation of Curt Siodmak’s science fiction novel Donovan’s Brain. The characters’ names were changed and the sci fi elements were mixed with detective story elements this time around.

Max Holt, a callous, bloated rich pig of the George Soros/ Koch Family type, is one of the passengers on an airplane which crashes near the laboratory of Dr Peter Corrie (Peter van Eyck). That reclusive doctor and his colleague Dr Frank Shears (played by Bernard Lee himself) have been conducting experiments to see how long they can keep monkey brains alive once removing them from their host body.

masc graveyard smallerCorrie and Shears discover that Max Holt is the only one of the airplane passengers still clinging to life, but just barely, and has no hope of survival. Corrie browbeats Shears into helping him get Holt’s body back to their lab, where they remove his brain to see how long they can keep it alive in one of their fish aquarium containers filled with life-preserving fluids and equipment.

The pair of unethical physicians turn over the rest of Holt’s body for burial while continuing to monitor the preserved brain of Max Holt. Instrument readings indicate there is still thought wave activity in the disembodied organ. Continue reading

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INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS (1973) BAD MOVIE REVIEW

INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS (1973) – Category: More weird than bad, but with a classic premise and execution  

This little honey (sorry) is the perfect example of why I prefer bad movies from the 1980s and earlier: because back then they played them straight and weren’t constantly making self-aware jokes to the audience. If this movie had been made more recently it would have been INTENTIONALLY cheesy and goofy, like the Killer Condom flicks or the Gingerdead Man movies.

Invasion of the Bee Girls plays like a sexploitation version of The X-Files long before that show was on the air. The hero of the movie is a State Department investigator played by cult figure William Smith, known from the tv series Laredo and from countless exploitation flicks like Black Samson to the “Hell’s Angels Fighting the Vietnam War” biker movie The Losers. The film’s screenwriter was THE Nicholas Meyer of Star Trek II and The Seven Percent Solution fame. Herb “The Worm Eaters” Robbins also shows up onscreen.

William Smith’s character, Neil Agar, is sent to California to investigate why a scientist involved in top secret government research dropped dead under suspicious circumstances – he died of apparent sexual exhaustion and people nearby swear they heard a sound like bees buzzing at Continue reading

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BAD MOVIE REVIEW: ZERO TO SIXTY (1978) WITH DARREN MCGAVIN AND JOAN COLLINS

ZERO TO SIXTY (1978) – Want to see Darren McGavin of all people bare his butt for the camera in two separate scenes? Want to see Darren McGavin getting his bare butt spanked by the Hudson Brothers in one of those scenes? Want to see Darren McGavin in sex scenes with Joan Collins at her smoking hot best?

Usually, you’d have me at the words “Want to see Darren McGavin” because I’m a huge fan of the guy. And not just as Carl Kolchak in The Night Stalker but most of his big-screen work and small-screen work from the 1950s onward. Well, I finally met a Darren McGavin movie I wasn’t ready for.

Zero to Sixty was produced by McGavin’s wife Kathie Browne and directed by Psychotronic Hall of Famer Don Weis. As I watched Darren in screwball car chases and in scenes full of “comedy” that wouldn’t have made the cut in one of Burt Reynolds’ Cannonball Run movies I was having trouble getting my head around what I was seeing.

During a scene in which McGavin pretends to be wetting himself I think I began babbling “But … but … that’s Darren McGavin.” Believe it or not, Denise Nickerson – Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka – playing an underaged Car Repossession Agent helped bring things into focus for me.      Continue reading

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R.I.P. CHUCK NORRIS: MY FAVORITE FILMS

With the passing of the iconic Chuck Norris I’m taking a look at my favorite films of his. I was never the biggest Norris fan, so this list is purely from the perspective of a casual fan.

I’m such a casual fan, in fact, that I wasn’t going to do an R.I.P. post about him but I decided to do one based on the vicious attacks on the late Norris by deranged Democrats who always tell the rest of us to “separate the art from the artist” when their celebrities are criticized in any way.

INVASION USA (1985) – Psychotronic cinema in its purest form, Invasion USA was so firmly in the realm of fantasy that it’s ridiculous that some critics tore into it so deeply. The same type of critics probably loved the pretentious One Battle After Another, which was basically Invasion USA in reverse. 

Norris starred as former intelligence agent Matt Hunter, who gets called back into action when a communist army from Cuba invades Florida under the leadership of Hunter’s old archenemy – Soviet Union agent Rostov, played by cult actor Richard Lynch.

Matt is among the people fighting back against the communist invaders in escapist, over the top action scenes. Anti-Castro Cubans fight the invaders in alliance with our main character. Red Dawn was too juvenile in my opinion, so I much prefer this Norris flick.

There are lots of Christmas decorations on display since the film is set during Yuletide. Invasion USA was therefore part of my “Very Butt-Kicking Christmas Marathon” years ago alongside Die Hard, Lethal Weapon and Die Hard 2.    Continue reading

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RICHARD GREENE’S SWASHBUCKLER FILMS

Richard Greene is best remembered for his portrayal of Robin Hood on television from 1955-1960 but he starred in several swashbuckler movies before his success on the small screen.

THE DESERT HAWK (1950) – This fun but hilariously inauthentic Arabian actioner starred Yvonne De Carlo as Scheherazade, whose father is forcing her into a marriage to the evil Prince Murad. Word of the lavish wedding reaches Omar the Blacksmith (Richard Greene) who is secretly the roguish bandit leader called the Desert Hawk.

Planning to steal the treasure trove of wedding gifts at the affair, the Desert Hawk disguises himself as Murad and marries Scheherazade before abandoning her by making off with the priceless gifts. He is aided by his two bizarrely miscast colleagues – Jackie Gleason as Aladdin and Joe Besser as Sinbad. (?)

The real Murad is furious about the theft, so he has his men slaughter some innocents and blame it on Omar and his band in order to justify an all-out war against the Desert Hawk. Scheherazade realizes how vile the real Murad is and escapes him disguised as a slave girl.

Omar recognizes the “wife” he ran out on and buys her as a harem girl at auction. Amid much action, the pair continue defying the villainy of Murad until the inevitable happy ending. Rock Hudson appears as Ras in this 77-minute flick. Future Johnny Carson Tonight Show producer Freddy De Cordova directed.  Continue reading

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ROBERT CARRADINE: R.I.P. – WAVELENGTH (1983)

With the passing of Robert Carradine, Balladeer’s Blog takes its usual approach of looking at one of his more obscure films, in this case one in which he costarred with THE Cherie Currie and Keenan Wynn. 

WavelengthWAVELENGTH (1983) – This is an unjustly neglected science fiction film that stars Robert Carradine, Cherie Currie and Keenan Wynn in a very unconventional love triangle: both Carradine and Currie are fighting over Wynn. (I’m kidding!)

Robert Carradine plays a moody musician suffering a career lull, Cherie Currie portrays a groupie who becomes a bona fide romantic partner for him and Keenan Wynn barks and snarls in his usual “grouch with a heart of gold” manner.

Cherie’s sensitive mind is open to alien brainwaves calling to her from a nearby (seemingly) abandoned government installation. Carradine and his neighbor Wynn help her try to find out what’s going on. Continue reading

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DAIGORO VS GOLIATH (1972) BAD KAIJU MOVIE

DAIGORO VS GOLIATH (1972) – This neglected kaiju (giant monster) film from Japan is one of the most obscure of them all in America. That’s odd since the movie was a joint project between the creators of Godzilla AND the creators of Ultraman, two very popular characters here in the west.

Sad to say, it’s not worth the effort of seeking it out. Daigoro vs Goliath is disappointing all around. Except maybe for very young children. Or very dumb children.

Not even the worst Gamera movies are as silly and pointless as this little honey is. Daigoro – who looks like a dog/ duck/ Billiken hybrid – is the offspring of a mop-topped mother monster who crashed on Earth from outer space and was killed while trying to trash Japan. She looked much cooler than her son but got killed off very quickly. Continue reading

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