Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! In lieu of Give Them A Shoutout Before They’re Dead, Balladeer’s Blog will call this “That Song Many People Associate With That Clive Revill Episode Of Columbo.”
Category Archives: humor
MARK ZUCKERBERG LOOKS AT POETRY
“I’M DEAD INSIDE.”
Nobody takes more joy in sucking the emotion out of all human contact than Facebook’s Mark “Skippy” Zuckerberg! Mark – who hopes to become “a real boy” someday – recently chatted with a nonexistent reporter for Balladeer’s Blog. The subject was Zuckerberg’s new algorithm for breaking down poetry (patent pending).
BALLADEER’S BLOG: So Mark, what made you and your ilk in Silicon Valley take time away from invading people’s privacy to poke and prod at poetry?
MARK ZUCKERBERG: It annoyed me that there was still a scintilla of humanity left in the written word and I realized I couldn’t rest until I had analyzed it, broken it down and/or monetized it in some way. At the very least I wanted to destroy the emotion within it.
BALLADEER’S BLOG: Why do you despise all passion?
MARK ZUCKERBERG: I figure if I’m not capable of experiencing emotions there’s no reason that people who have less money than I do should get to experience them either.
BALLADEER: Say no more. May I recite some random lines of poetry to you so you can demonstrate how your poetry algorithm would translate them?
MARK ZUCKERBERG: I would not be opposed to doing that.
BALLADEER’S BLOG: The moon like a flower/ In Heaven’s high bower/ In silent delight/ Sits and smiles on the night
MARK ZUCKERBERG: “Moon good.”
BALLADEER’S BLOG: Let thy loveliness fade as it will/ And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart/ Would entwine itself verdantly still
MARK ZUCKERBERG: “Male gaze.” Or maybe “Toxic masculinity.” I yield to the Sarkeesian-bots on my staff when it comes to translating such dangerous misogyny and exhortations to rape.
BALLADEER’S BLOG: Two roads diverged in a wood and I – / I took the road less traveled by
MARK ZUCKERBERG: “Problematic fascist walks.”
BALLADEER’S BLOG: Where they have cringed and crawled and prayed/ I stand/ The self-damned/ Unafraid
MARK ZUCKERBERG: I don’t understand it, so it must be Hate Speech. It would be banned for violation of community standards.
BALLADEER’S BLOG: I have no mouth and I must scr-
MARK ZUCKERBERG: HATE SPEECH!
BALLADEER’S BLOG: Ours not to reason why/ Ours but to do and die
MARK ZUCKERBERG: Hey, why are you reading from the Silicon Valley Employees Manual? Continue reading
POLITICAL CARTOON ROUNDUP: MARCH 9th
With the Democrats in the House voting in favor of letting illegal immigrants vote but failing to contain Ilhan Omar’s hatemongering it was quite a week for the privileged white one-percenter Nancy Pelosi.
* Filed under humor, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, Neglected History, opinion
AMERICAN COMEDIANS: INSULTING BEGGARS TO MAKE KINGS LAUGH
Many readers have been asking me what I thought of the rancid Bill Maher’s deranged expression of the kind of snobbery that helped elect President Trump. I already addressed it in 2016 with this item from when the rancid Jon Stewart was the face of pretentiousness and pomposity. While the day-long Mardi Gras continues here at Balladeer’s Blog and we move on from breakfast wines to rum-based drinks enjoy this “encore” blog post.
Brown nose ON … Brown nose OFF: Jonathan Stewart – who STILL refuses to donate more to charity – embodied comedic gutlessness by coordinating with the Obama administration to make sure he never offended them. That’s called being a propagandist and a panderer, not a comedian.
Comedy is at its best when it is irreverent. The more powerful the object of ridicule the richer the laughs. There’s an old saying about a comedian being so supportive of the world’s underdogs that “He’d insult a king to make a beggar laugh.”
American comedians have become such spineless panderers that they’ve lost any real edginess and especially any desire to be on the side of the underdogs. That would be, like, SO not cool, dude! Today American comedians would much rather insult beggars to make kings laugh.
These Court Jesters of the rich and powerful flaunt a deep disdain for the working class and the unfortunate. America’s comic performers of today sneeringly dismiss the working class and the poverty-stricken as “stupid” or “uneducated” the same way bloated rich pig Republicans dismiss the working class and the poverty-stricken as “lazy.”
*** *** *** ** Know what the exact opposite of an irreverant comedian would be? Jonathan Stewart. He took shots at ONLY the safest targets of the moment. Grow a pair and get back to us, worm.
The Jonathan Stewarts, Bill Mahers and Samantha Bees of the world would never be caught dead siding with the “ignorant hicks” who aren’t rich or don’t hold positions in their political party. The poor and the unfortunate are there to be ridiculed for the amusement of the ruling class and for the career advancement of those court jesters.
Genuine satirical comedy follows the path of MOST resistance, but the current worms who play at comedy would rather side with the rich and powerful against the disadvantaged. These pompous pricks are about as “daring” as a bully ridiculing the nearest fat person or someone missing a limb. And ALL to put smiles on the faces of elitist jackasses.
One percenter Jonathan Stewart always sided with Obama – the most powerful man in the world – against the working class victims of Obama’s policies. What a guy!
Jonathan Stewart was so much of a lackey for the Democratic Party he used to meet regularly in the White House with Obama to make sure his humor was Government Approved. How courageous! Bill Maher ridiculed the elderly veterans of what Brokaw called “the greatest generation” when their infirm bodies and aged minds hindered them from circumventing the barriers put up at war memorials during the government shutdown in 2013. Oh, if only one of them had fallen down and broken a hip! Such hilarity, right Bill?
And yes, I know, Little Jonny Stewart would sometimes pretend that Obama’s disastrous policies were good for the poor and the working class, yet NEVER had an actual member of the working class on his show. Probably because an actual member of the working class would have pointed out how damaging and heartless Obama’s policies really were. Continue reading
Filed under humor, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, Neglected History, opinion
OSCAR WINNERS AND TODAY’S NEWS
TOM HANKS – I was reminded of Hanks’ line “stupid is as stupid does” when Democrats stated that their beloved royalty aka illegal immigrants should even enjoy exemptions from gun-control laws. For one thing if an illegal immigrant – even one previously deported and/or with previous offenses – tries to illegally buy a gun the Democrats feel that “Illegal Alien Privilege” should apply and the delicate little darling should not be held. After all, being held increases the possibility that the illegal might get caught by or turned over to ICE. CLICK HERE and below.
ROBERT DE NIRO – De Niro’s performance in Raging Bull at times made me think about brain-damaged people. His “old man yells at cloud” behavior in recent years ALWAYS makes me think about brain-damaged people. Someone who is definitely NOT brain-damaged is Allum Bokhari, a journalist and technology correspondent who examined the abuses inflicted by the Techno-Fascists of Silicon Valley HERE
SAMUEL L JACKSON – Jackson’s real-life portrayal of a racist hatemonger towers over any other performances he’s ever given. Samuel and the other privileged one percenters above STILL refuse to give away all but 2 million dollars of their unneeded fortunes to the poor. Selfish prick Jackson’s behavior reminded me of THIS article about how the public money spent on roadside noise-barriers for rich suburbanites could more than pay for a border wall. CLICK HERE Continue reading
Filed under humor, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, Neglected History, opinion
THE NEW MONKEES (1987): PETER TORK IS DEAD
Monkees member Peter Tork is dead. Not since the infamous Day The Music Died has the rock world suffered such a loss. I’m kidding! Still, though, here’s a Balladeer’s Blog goodbye to the one and only member of the Monkees whose name always puts me in mind of the measure of a force’s tendency to produce torsion equal to the product of the force vector and the radius vector from the axis of rotation to the point of application of the force.
I think you’ll agree.
Anyway, I considered reviewing the Monkees’ movie Head or maybe even the motorcycle flick Torque but instead I’m going with this look at the NEW Monkees show from 1987.
The New Monkees are remembered as the most pointless re-launch of a band in history AND as one of the worst television shows in history. I’ve never listened to their one and only album so I can’t say if they make it a Hat Trick with one of the worst albums in history, too.
The premise sounds like a comedy sketch from the glory days of SCTV but unfortunately this thoroughly bizarre attempt to recapture the flukish charm of the original Monkees was 100% real.
Let’s look at the debut episode of The New Monkees‘ 13 episode run in 1987. Everything you’ve heard is true: We get Rocky Horror Picture Show lips voiced by a black lady, a weird sci-fi mansion home for the title foursome, a built-in diner and their annoying butler, Manford.
The laugh track does NOT go off during the few things that seemed funny, like a couple of apparently ad-libbed jokes by the New Monkees during their screen test footage, but instead goes off during lame, obvious jokes that not even small children would laugh at. Continue reading
Filed under Bad and weird movies, Forgotten Television, humor
MOCK HEADLINES: FEBRUARY 21st
Time for another round of mock headlines from Balladeer’s Blog:
DEMOCRAT ILHAN OMAR VOWS TO MAKE HER DISTRICT “JEW-FREE BY 2020”
JOE BIDEN ANNOUNCES HIS 2020 CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: “NO LONGER THE WEIRDEST DEMOCRAT IN THE ROOM!”
DEMOCRATS INSIST VOTING RIGHTS SHOULD APPLY ONLY TO ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
JUSSIE SMOLLETT NOW CLAIMS TO BE PART CHEROKEE INDIAN
FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP STILL SPEAKS MORE LANGUAGES THAN BOTH OBAMAS COMBINED
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ DECLARES ALL CHILDREN UNDER SIXTEEN YEARS OF AGE TO NOW BE SIXTEEN YEARS OF AGE (with apologies to Woody Allen’s Bananas)
UNDERPRIVILEGED CHILDREN RAISE MONEY TO BUY BRIE LARSON TICKETS TO SEE WONDER WOMAN
BRIE LARSON EXPRESSES AMAZEMENT THAT THERE HAS EVER BEEN ANOTHER ACTION MOVIE STARRING A WOMAN “Well then why am I making such a big deal out of my own lame flick” the privileged white one percenter asked
NATHAN PHILLIPS NOW CLAIMS HE WAS THE WEEPING INDIAN IN THOSE OLD “DON’T LITTER” ADS
DEMOCRAT MEDIA BEGS PUBLIC FOR A NEW HATE HOAX THEY CAN EXPLOIT TO FAN THE FLAMES OF HATRED: CNN’s Don Lemon in tears
SCRAWNY RIGHT-WING PASSAROUND ANN COULTER CHANGES HER MIND ABOUT TRUMP FOR THE 9,879th TIME Crazed attention hound once supported Chris Christie and Mitt Romney for president
DEMOCRATS DEMAND THAT TRUMPETS BE RENAMED TO AVOID TRIGGERING MARGINALIZED PEOPLE … AS DEFINED BY WHITE, PRIVILEGED ONE-PERCENTER DEMOCRATS
BLM ANNOUNCES PLANS TO SUE JUSSIE SMOLLETT FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT Hate group claims “Hands Up, Don’t Shoot” was so fake it clearly inspired Smollett’s alleged hoax
Filed under humor, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, opinion
PRESIDENTIAL LOSERS: PROS AND CONS
In the spirit of Balladeer’s Blog’s irreverent, tongue-in-cheek looks at the pros and cons of U.S. Presidents and Vice Presidents here’s another post for the upcoming Presidents Day three-day weekend.
It’s my tongue-in-cheek look at the pros and cons of the LOSERS who were left in a defeated heap enroute to the Oval Office. In reverse order back to just before Tilden:
HILLARY CLINTON (Lost to President Donald Trump)
Motto: “When the money keeps rolling in (to your fake charity), what’s a girl to do? Skim a little (well, quite a lot, actually) off the top for expenses wouldn’t you?”
Nickname: The Rapist’s Wife/ Crooked Hillary
Pro: Her childish refusal to address her own supporters the night Donald Trump utterly humiliated her provided a look at how truly petty, shallow and classless she is.
Con: She and her fascist followers tried to threaten the members of the Electoral College into casting their votes for her instead of Trump, thereby reaching the absolute lowest and most disgusting level that any American politician has ever sunk to.
MITT ROMNEY (Lost to Obama)
Motto: “Pushing women back to the Fifties … the EIGHTEEN fifties!”
Nickname: The Mormon Mondale/ Ol’ Sploog Face (tie)
Pro: His even more pathetic running mate Paul Ryan actually made him look good by comparison. Continue reading
Filed under humor, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, Neglected History, opinion
AMERICAN PRESIDENTS EISENHOWER THROUGH TRUMP
The three-day President’s Day holiday weekend is fast approaching.
Here’s one of my biggest hits – a tongue-in-cheek look at U.S. Presidents from Eisenhower to Trump filled with insults and pot-shots directed at both Democrats and Republicans.
DWIGHT EISENHOWER
Character Type: Well-meaning but befuddled sitcom grandfather.
Military Service: World War One and World War Two
Motto: “FOOORE!” (Remember, the traditional cry as you’re teeing off in golf? Oh, never mind!)
Nickname: Uncle Milty
Pro: Knew enough to distrust Richard Nixon long before it became the national pasttime.
Con: Was the first president to pronounce nuclear as “nucular”.
JOHN F KENNEDY
Character Type: Rich playboy who disdained both Liberals and Conservatives and played by his own rules.
Military Service: World War Two
Motto: “Thank God for television!”
Nickname: FDR
Pro: The man was shrewd enough to distrust both liberals and conservatives equally. I can’t praise that attitude highly enough given our present circumstances.
Con: I can’t find out what happened to this guy. Anybody hear anything? Continue reading
HORROR HOST HALL OF FAME: BALLOT FOR THE 2019 INDUCTEES
Regular readers of Balladeer’s Blog are familiar with my fondness for the old, old Movie Host shows. Here is the ballot for 2019 which lets you select your five nominees for the Horror Host Hall of Fame. VOTING ENDS FEBRUARY 15th SO JUST ONE WEEK LEFT!
Filed under Bad and weird movies, humor, Movie Hosts
Balladeer's Blog 