Tag Archives: humor

THE HILLARY CLINTON EXCUSE CALENDAR FOR 2017

hillary-clinton-excusesCareer criminal Hillary Clinton continues to blame everyone but herself for her humiliating loss to Donald Trump this year. One of the hot-selling items headed into the New Year is a calendar on which each day features one of the Hillarytron’s whiny, self-serving excuses.

You’ll get three hundred sixty-five gems like:

THE RUSSIANS FORCED HILLARY TO RUN A FAKE CHARITY, ACCEPT BRIBES AND MISHANDLE CLASSIFIED INFORMATION!

THE VOTES OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS SHOULD BE THE ONLY VOTES THAT COUNT!

MALE VOTERS FELT THREATENED BY A WOMAN LIKE HILLARY WHO LIVES OFF THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF HER HUSBAND!

HILLARY’S SHRILL VOICE WAS SO HIGH-PITCHED ONLY DOGS COULD HEAR HER LIES AND PROMISES.

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… … RED – Trump, Blue – Hillary

ISOLATED, HEAVILY POPULATED POCKETS OF POMPOUS SNOBS AND BLOATED RICH PIGS SHOULD GET TO DICTATE HOW THE REST OF THE COUNTRY LIVES!

BLACK VOTERS FORGOT WE DEMOCRATS OWN THEM LIKE WE DID ON OUR PLANTATIONS!

OBAMA TOLD HILLARY IT WAS A GOOD STRATEGY TO CALL MOST OF THE COUNTRY “A BASKET OF DEPLORABLES.”

AMERICANS ARE BIASED AGAINST CAREER CRIMINALS LIKE HILLARY!

UPPITY ORANGE PEOPLE LIKE TRUMP LOVE TO PLAY IDENTITY POLITICS! Continue reading

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PAUL KRUGMAN COLOGNE: BALLADEER’S GIFT BAG

paul-krugman

*** *** *** *** *** Paul Krugman Cologne: THESE will be the only pussies you grab while wearing it.

Previously Balladeer’s Gift Bag presented Tommy Wiseau’s series of Audiobooks. This time around I’m taking a look at Paul Krugman’s litter-box scented cologne.

In fact, Litterbox was originally going to be the name of the product but Krugman’s corporate overlord backer Carlos Slim ordered him to change it to Fanfic, since Paul Krugman is best known for writing fan fiction for Democrats (aka DemCorp).

The cologne also comes in cat-urine scent as well, just to capture the feel of reading one of Krugman’s pieces. Continue reading

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TRUE OR FALSE NEWS QUIZ

Each one of the following stories is either True or False. 

bill-gatesONE: BILL GATES COMPARED DONALD TRUMP TO JOHN F KENNEDY. True. Click HERE   

TWO: CAREER CRIMINAL HILLARY CLINTON ROBBED A CONVENIENCE STORE AND – AFTER A SIX-HOUR STANDOFF WITH THE POLICE – SHE STILL WASN’T PRESIDENT. True, plus her hostages all took their own lives to get away from that shrill crook. 

THREE: DONALD TRUMP REVEALED HE IS ACTUALLY A VERY BASHFUL MAN WHO CAN’T STAND ATTENTION. False, he is actually an elderly Norwegian woman who LOVES attention.   

jim-brownFOUR: FOOTBALL LEGEND AND MAN’S MAN JIM BROWN SAYS HE “FELL IN LOVE” WITH TRUMP AFTER MEETING HIM. True,  click HERE  

FIVE: THE DEMOCRATS’ CONGRESSIONAL CAUCUS OFFICIALLY CHANGED THEIR NAME TO “THE KU KLUX KAUKUS.” False, but they HAVE changed their Party name’s spelling to “DemoKKKrats.”  Continue reading

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BARACK OBAMA’S DELUSIONS

Urkel

United States President Barack Obama

The weak, inept and crooked little man named Barack Obama has been hard at work struggling to rewrite the history of his eight disastrous years in office by outrightly lying. People like Paul Krugman, who specializes in Barack Obama fan fiction, will no doubt repeat all of Obama’s tall tales as if they’re the truth. 

Anyway, in the spirit of Barack Obama’s deranged claims here are a few other items that worst of all presidents will probably try to take credit for.  

** Playing Urkel on the sitcom Family Matters.

** Discovering penicillin.

** Letting the dogs out. (Say what you will, it takes balls to try a Baha-Men reference in the year 2016)

** Having his presidency foretold by Nostradamus when he wrote “And a self-infatuated fool/ With ears as large as dinner plates/ Will undo decades of racial progress/ As he stubbornly clings like dogshit to the bottom of history’s shoes.”

** Composing a song called Hail to the THIEF to be played whenever Hillary Clinton entered the room. 

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Hillary – Blue, Trump – Red

** Reducing his own political party – the Democrats – to isolated bands of pompous snobs and professional hatemongers scattered around the country. (Okay, that one’s the truth.) 

** Coining the expression “Ya workin’ hard or hardly workin’?”

** Writing Gone With The Wind, The Godfather and Space Raptor Butt Invasion. Continue reading

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TOMMY WISEAU AUDIOBOOKS: BALLADEER’S GIFT BAG

tommy-wiseauSince it’s Christmas Season I figured I would start posting gift suggestions for like-minded eccentrics.

TOMMY WISEAU AUDIOBOOKS – Yes, we all loved Tommy in The Room … well, actually, we loved Greg Sestero more. In fact we had no more feelings at all for Tommy Wiseau, we loved Greg. Yeah, we were all much more into Greg Sestero, to the point where we didn’t love Tommy at all anymore. Greg was the one we loved.

Putting that aside, though, Tommy Wiseau uses his inimitable delivery to bring to life some of the world’s greatest literary works. Whether it’s Finnegans Wake (“River run past Eve and Adam’s, HHHUUUHH?”) or Hamlet (“To be or NAAAAAAAHHHHT to be …”) they take on new meaning as interpreted by the enigmatic Mr Wiseau (Still thirty after all these years!).   Continue reading

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DEMOCRATS DEMAND THE U.S. WITHDRAW FROM OHIO FOLLOWING MUSLIM ATTACK

abdul-at-ohio-stateAbdul Razak Ali Artan has been identified as the Muslim Somali man shot to death after using a car to ram several innocent people then stabbing more after exiting the vehicle. Abdul had pledged his allegiance to the Islamic State online before committing this horrific act which injured at least 10 innocent people. 

Pledging such allegiance before committing an act of Muslim terrorism is in keeping with the Islamic State’s online instructions to jihadist fanatics around the world. It “guarantees” them their 72 virgins in the afterlife, as mentioned in misogynistic Muslim myths. (I’m an atheist. Don’t bother accusing me of being a Christian or a Jew, etc)

Career criminal Hillary Clinton led the Democrats in demanding that the United States end its imperialist occupation of the Buckeye State at once. “NO MORE BLOOD FOR CHESTNUTS!” Hillary and her shrill supporters screeched. They also insisted Muslim fanatics would not commit these violent acts if America would just withdraw from Ohio.

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Left-Wing Archie Bunkers: They’re so HIP!

Left-wing Archie Bunkers, who love to pathetically attempt reliving their youthful years, were joined in protesting the American occupation of sovereign Muslim territory by the usual throng of emotional cripples who pretend to be college students in America.

This sad, sad spectacle saw the childish students and their horribly, horribly old teachers and administrators carrying signs that said “U.S. OUT OF COLUMB**!” and other slogans. As usual those slogans were on the same intellectual level as nursery rhymes to ensure they were simple-minded enough to be written and chanted by both the young snowflakes and the senile 1960s burnouts.   Continue reading

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JILL STEIN DEMANDS RECOUNTS FROM THE 1888 ELECTION, TOO

jill-stein

Jill Stein: What’s wrong with attracting some GREEN to the Green Party?

Jill Stein, the Green Party Candidate for President, came within a bare 63 million votes of being elected the next President of the United States. Just in case there were some oversights she has been demanding recount after recount ever since.

Even DEMOCRAT Chuck Todd observed that someone seems to have put the idea for these recounts in Stein’s head. Seriously. Look it up.

When a non-existent correspondent for Balladeer’s Blog asked Jill Stein for a comment about Chuck Todd’s suspicions she replied “This has absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone coming forward with money … nothing to do with anyone anywhere offering to make my campaign’s massive debt go away … nothing.”

When pressed for more Stein blurted out “I am NOT being bribed by the people who own Hillary Clinton! … I mean, what was the question?”

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*** *** *** *** *** *** Stein was talking about Hillary “Bugsy” Clinton in this quote from when Stein had some integrity.

 

Defenders of Dr Stein have pointed out that there is nothing illegal about asking for recounts, as opposed to the VOLUMINOUS illegal acts that can be tied to Hillary Clinton, the career criminal hoping to benefit from these late and repeated recounts.  

Feeling her oats, Jill Stein released a new statement demanding a recount in the 1888 presidential election, when Benjamin Harrison defeated Grover Cleveland AND in the election of 1824. Citing the way supporters of Andrew Jackson claimed there was a “corrupt bargain” between John Quincy Adams and Henry Clay when that 1824 election went to the House of Representatives, Stein said her new-found  commitment to election integrity knows no bounds!  

Hillary Clinton hands together

“Exxxxcellent!”

“With THIS kind of payday I’d be nuttier than Tim Kaine to stop now!” she elaborated.

Neither Harrison, Cleveland, Jackson, Adams nor Clay were available for comment.   Continue reading

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FLORENCE HENDERSON AND FIDEL CASTRO DEAD IN APPARENT SUICIDE PACT

Professional Dancers Society's 27th Annual Gypsy Award LuncheonTheirs was a love story that will be told and retold for centuries. Florence Henderson passed away this past Thursday night and, to the surprise of no one, Fidel Castro decided life was not worth living in a world without Mrs Brady and took his own life at age 90.

“Flo-Fid,” as the celebrity couple was called, were an odd mix from the start. Over the decades Florence Henderson would often express her feelings toward Castro by calling him “that murderous thug dictator” while the lovesick Fidel would simply restate his undying love for her.

As Henderson once tenderly recalled “That sickening piece of garbage just cannot understand that I’m not really Mrs Brady from The Brady Bunch. I despise him and everything about him. The world will be a better place when he’s gone.” 

fidel-castroCastro would simply reply to such sentiments from his beloved by saying “We are like the Sam and the Diane from Cheers, no?” People magazine often stated that “the lady doth protest too much.”

CNN reporters stated that the way the deaths came so close to each other is a clear rebuke to Donald Trump … But they also said that about the sun rising this morning. Continue reading

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BALLADEER’S TV LISTINGS: TONIGHT’S PROGRAMS

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One percenter Mark Cuban (actual size)

MARK CUBAN AS MIGHTY MOUSE (children) – The diminutive rich pig makes a public fool of himself once again, this time by performing in a live action version of the old cartoon show Mighty Mouse.

Tonight’s episode was even written by Cuban, a former Keebler elf, and is titled Big Money, Little Manhood. Supposedly it’s semi-autobiographical.    Continue reading

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ANTEIA: ANCIENT GREEK COMEDY

Hetaera 3Anteia was written by the comic poet Philyllius. This comic poet’s career seems to have spanned approximately from the 410s BCE to 390 BCE. One of his comedies won 1st prize at a Lenaea festival in the 390s and he won 1st prize at an unknown Dionysia. His fellow comedian Strattis credited him with being the first Attic Old Comic to use real torches on stage.

My favorite random line from Philyllius’ fragments: “The most important element of health is to breathe clean and unsullied air.”

THE PLAY  

ANTEIA – This comedy was an example of the sub-genre of Attic Old Comedy called Hetaera Plays. The term hetaera is often lazily translated as “prostitute” but the reality was a bit more complex. I’ve always felt that “kept woman” would be a better way to capture the concept. Hetaerae (plural) did NOT walk the streets and were not just for quickies like the lower-level prostitutes. They had their own luxurious digs with the expenses being footed by whichever wealthy man was enjoying bedroom privileges at the moment.

Hetaera 2A hetaera could move from man to man or keep one man for extended periods. What they were was openly known but the hetaerae occupied the top rung in the open “sex for pay” business in ancient Greece. Political figures could be publicly known as a hetaera’s steady man and it was not a career ender, but the man would be in for a lot of ribbing in the comedies of the time, usually as the butt of jokes pointing out how such an “ugly” man could ONLY get such a beautiful sex partner by paying her. Continue reading

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