Category Archives: humor

January 19, 2017 · 1:48 am

TITLES FOR A HILLARY CLINTON BIOPIC

hillary-clinton-singing

. … … “Hey, big SPEN-DERRRRRR!” … … .

You have got to love the HILARIOUS news about the way bribes funneled to career criminal Hillary Clinton via her fake charity are drying up completely now that she was defeated in her attempt to steal the presidency.

What better time to ponder possible titles for the inevitable exercise in hagiography that Hillary’s clueless and uninformed Hollywood worshippers will no doubt concoct?

SHOW ME THE MONEY!

NO WAYS HONEST: THE LIFE OF HILLARY CLINTON

HAVE PANTSUIT, WILL PANDER

HILLARY CLINTON: THE PRESIDENT OF CALIFORNIA (… WELL, AT LEAST THE PRESIDENT OF CALIFORNIA’S ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT VOTERS)

WEALTHY WHITE WOMAN: HILLARY CLINTON’S STRUGGLE TO OVERCOME OPPRESSION
Continue reading →

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January 12, 2017 · 11:22 pm

CASABLANCA CAPTIONING

FINALLY, ON THE 87TH TAKE, EVERYTHING SEEMED PERFECT ... UNTIL HENRI SUFFERED AN UNFORTUNATE ERUPTION OF FLATULENCE.FINALLY, ON THE 87TH TAKE, EVERYTHING SEEMED PERFECT … UNTIL HENRI SUFFERED AN UNFORTUNATE ERUPTION OF FLATULENCE.

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January 11, 2017 · 7:29 pm

CNN REPORTS OBAMA WAS THE ONE PAYING TO BE URINATED ON

obama-defeated-by-putin-again-and-againIn keeping with the standards set by America’s corporate media here’s the latest word regarding their obsession with politicians who pay to be urinated upon by sex workers. Once again the hatred that bloated rich pigs feel toward President-Elect Donald Trump has backfired.

CNN reports that BARACK OBAMA IS REALLY THE ONE WHO PAYS TO BE URINATED ON! Michelle Obama confirmed all this, stating that this disgusting fetish of Obama’s was one of the many reasons she stopped having sex with Barack years ago. That and his insistence that she dress him up as a baby complete with a diaper. 

obama-is-a-urophiliacBarack now calls himself “An out and proud urophiliac.”

He added with a smile: Continue reading →

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January 8, 2017 · 9:13 pm

ELVIS PRESLEY: ROCK’N’ROLL VS THE REDCOATS

Elvis IS General Andrew Jackson at the Battle of New Orleans

Elvis IS General Andrew Jackson at the Battle of New Orleans

January 8th of each year always represents the general rift that separates American pop culture from alleged “high culture”. On the one hand it’s Elvis Presley’s birthday. On the other hand it’s also the anniversary of the Battle of New Orleans, in which General (and future President) Andrew Jackson teamed up with French pirate Jean Lafitte to hand the British their worst defeat in the War of 1812.

It’s not tough to guess which event gets more attention year in and year out, but cult director Eddie Wozniak took a break from the film world to write, produce and direct this musical comedy.

General Jackson as a one-man USO show for his battle-hardened troops

General Jackson as a one-man USO show for his battle-hardened troops

Rock’N’Roll vs the Redcoats is Wozniak’s hilarious but educational fusion of Elvis’ birthday with the martial anniversary. The musical comedy depicts the events of 1815 as they might have been depicted in an Elvis Presley movie with an actual Elvis impersonator in the lead role. So basically the star of Rock’N’Roll vs the Redcoats is a man playing Elvis Presley playing General Andrew Jackson. Continue reading →

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January 8, 2017 · 1:30 am

CHANGE OF HABIT (1969)

Change of Habit bCHANGE OF HABIT (1969) – This review is in honor of Elvis Presley’s birthday. Change of Habit is a movie that was practically MADE to be ridiculed. You’ve got Elvis Presley, never exactly a master thespian, his sideburns, which out-perform him in this flick and Mary Tyler Moore as a nun torn between her vows and her growing attraction to The King.

Elvis himself plays a doctor named John Carpenter (yes, like the horror film director), making his initials J.C., just like another famous Jewish carpenter … Jacob Cohen. Dr Elvis runs a practice in the ghetto, which should probably be rendered THE GHETTO instead, given the ham-fisted and stereotypical depiction of the neighborhood and its inhabitants.

Elvis’ character  – if you can make it out behind his usual one-note performance – is supposed to be the perfect made-for-film physician: good looking, compassionate and willing to buck the system in order to help his patients. … And, of course, he sings.

Mary Tyler Moore’s Sister Michelle is accompanied by her sister nuns Sister Barbara, played by Jane Elliott in the years before she was a Soap Opera queen, and Sister Irene, played by African-American actress and singer Barbara McNair.

The Catholic Action Committee sends the trio of nuns to help out at Dr Elvis’ clinic so they go “undercover” by hiding the fact that they’re nuns and instead dressing and acting like “regular people”. They do this because they’re convinced the patients will trust them more if they don’t know that the three are nuns. Continue reading →

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January 6, 2017 · 11:35 pm

STAR WARS EPISODE EIGHT SPOILERS II

harrison-ford

… … The elderly hobo who gave me this scoop. … …

Balladeer’s Blog has plenty of top sources in the industry, and of course by the industry I mean the business. Last January one of those sources leaked some spoilers to me about Star Wars Episode Eight: Attack of the Twelve Death Stars.

Strangely enough, a shabby old homeless guy was the source of this second set of spoilers. One of my other highly-placed sources assured me they knew a guy who had a lot of inside information about the new Star Wars films and arranged a secret meeting on a street corner.

Frankly the elderly hobo who showed up at the assigned place made me skeptical at first but maybe he was just in disguise because his info turned out to be rock solid and verifiable. I gave the guy a dollar to help him maintain his cover as a confused beggar and went on my way.

SPOILERS: THE SENSES-SHATTERING ORIGIN OF THE JEDI KNIGHTS – Luke Skywalker really HAS discovered the very first Jedi Temple on that island where Rey found him at the end of Episode Seven.

From the relics Luke examined he learned that the Jedi Knights were originally formed as a performance dance troupe. Their planet of origin was the site of that temple and, like all planets in the Star Wars universe every square inch of it is the same. This planet is composed of endless seas broken up here and there by islands with stone staircases on them.

The Jedi Knights were renowned for their dance moves, especially their back-flips and display of the “one-armed man’s jazz hands” stance. As time went on the pack of appealing, androgynous dancers wanted to spice up their act, so they invented batons that had lasers coming out both ends.

These “light batons” looked dazzling as the Jedi Knights twirled them around while dancing. The only down side was that if you weren’t careful the lasers could cut off one of your own limbs or the limbs of one of your co-dancers. Eons before those light batons began to be used as weapons there was already a tradition of Jedi Knights cutting each other’s hands, arms and legs off. Continue reading →

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January 4, 2017 · 12:17 am

MORE HILARIOUSLY WRONG PREDICTIONS FROM PSYCHICS

nuke-the-moonThe readers of Balladeer’s Blog have spoken! You enjoyed the first go-round of these nuggets so much I’m posting this second helping right now!

IRENE HUGHES – In 1978 she predicted:

— In 1980 Russia would land Cosmonauts on the moon to conduct nuclear weapons tests and international outrage over the incident would result in bloodshed.

— Specifically in January of 1980 San Francisco would suffer an earthquake even more severe than the 1906 earthquake that devastated the city.

jimmy-carter-and-michael-jackson— Jimmy Carter would get reelected with a black Vice Presidential candidate replacing Walter Mondale on the ticket.

— The next passing of Halley’s Comet in the 1980s would result in massive upheavals on Earth such as earthquakes, tsunamis and the outbreak of multiple wars.

— The U.S. President would die of natural causes in or near Russia in 1981. Continue reading →

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January 2, 2017 · 4:50 pm

HILARIOUSLY INACCURATE PREDICTIONS FROM PSYCHICS

earth-explodingWith a new year underway – 2017 C.E. – Balladeer’s Blog takes a look at some past predictions by “psychics” (LMAO) that turned out to be wildly off the mark.

FREDERICK DAVIES – In 1978 he predicted:

— Jimmy Carter would get reelected.

— In the early 1980s sea research would result in a cure for various types of cancer.

— A manned landing on Mars would be made by 1985.

— By 1988 a third of all homes would be using solar energy for cooking and heating.

firebird-2015-ad— Private automobiles would be banned … by 1990.

— Also by 1990 life would be discovered on Jupiter and communication with another planet – possibly from beyond our solar system – would be achieved.

— Between 1999-2001 the origin of the UFO sightings around the world would be determined. Continue reading →

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December 31, 2016 · 12:30 pm

BAD MOVIES 4 NEW YEAR’S EVE

Here at Balladeer’s Blog I’m very fond of cinematic turkeys that have seasonal tie-ins. In that spirit here’s a look at bad movies with a New Year’s Eve theme. As usual, full-length reviews of these films can be found on my Bad Movie page.

AKA Time Warp

AKA Time Warp

BLOODY NEW YEAR (1987) – Also released under the title Time Warp but it’s grisly enough for the more explicit title. A handful of British boaters who are fleeing a family of soccer hooligans (no, really) wind up on an island with a deserted hotel that’s been decorated for a New Year’s Eve party since the 1950s.

This Norman J Warren film stars nobody and borrows heavily from Sam Raimi’s original Evil Dead in terms of its imitation “Deadites” and its POV tracking shots. It also features a killer who emerges from a movie being watched, a monster who climbs out of a tablecloth, homicidal kitchen utensils, indoor snowfall, laughing shrubbery and living walls. All the chaos is being caused by hapless souls who have been trapped in limbo for decades and will do anything to get out or to drag others into their hellish undead existence with them.

Bloody New Year is a neglected bad movie classic that has all the Continue reading →

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December 21, 2016 · 10:29 pm

SHORT FILMS FOR THE SHORTEST DAY OF THE YEAR

Yes, it’s December 21st once again! This time around Balladeer’s Blog presents a look at assorted short films to go with today’s “shortness” theme.

The United Fund

The United Fund

THE MEANEST MAN IN THE WORLD (1954) – This heavy-handed United Fund short was probably effective in its day. Back then people may have felt they were being too callous by openly laughing at the antics in this public service message.

Our central character, “Jim”, comes home late at night after a marathon work day. He startles his wife, who, in typical 50s fashion sleeps in a separate bed. In fact he startles her SO much you get the impression she had a man on the side who may have left her bed a little too close to Jim’s homecoming for comfort.

Jim’s got even bigger problems, though. Money is tight, so tight that Jim tells his still-paniced wife that this year they won’t be able to afford their usual contribution to the United Fund. Our hero then falls asleep, while the disgusted narrator of this ham-fisted production sneers at his alleged callousness.

Now the real fun begins. This joyously tasteless  production tries to equate being unable to afford a United Fund contribution to monumental acts of deliberate cruelty. Jim’s dream counterpart stalks up to a hospital and viciously KICKS THE CRUTCHES out from under a poor crippled boy, then STANDS THERE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY while looking down at Continue reading →

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