STAR WARS EPISODE EIGHT SPOILERS II

Balladeer’s Blog has plenty of top sources in the industry, and of course by the industry I mean the business. Last January one of those sources leaked some spoilers to me about Star Wars Episode Eight: Attack of the Twelve Death Stars.

Strangely enough, a shabby old homeless guy was the source of this second set of spoilers. One of my other highly-placed sources assured me they knew a guy who had a lot of inside information about the new Star Wars films and arranged a secret meeting on a street corner.

Frankly the elderly hobo who showed up at the assigned place made me skeptical at first but maybe he was just in disguise because his info turned out to be rock solid and verifiable. I gave the guy a dollar to help him maintain his cover as a confused beggar and went on my way.

SPOILERS: THE SENSES-SHATTERING ORIGIN OF THE JEDI KNIGHTS – Luke Skywalker really HAS discovered the very first Jedi Temple on that island where Rey found him at the end of Episode Seven.

From the relics Luke examined he learned that the Jedi Knights were originally formed as a performance dance troupe. Their planet of origin was the site of that temple and, like all planets in the Star Wars universe every square inch of it is the same. This planet is composed of endless seas broken up here and there by islands with stone staircases on them.

The Jedi Knights were renowned for their dance moves, especially their back-flips and display of the “one-armed man’s jazz hands” stance. As time went on the pack of appealing, androgynous dancers wanted to spice up their act, so they invented batons that had lasers coming out both ends.

These “light batons” looked dazzling as the Jedi Knights twirled them around while dancing. The only down side was that if you weren’t careful the lasers could cut off one of your own limbs or the limbs of one of your co-dancers. Eons before those light batons began to be used as weapons there was already a tradition of Jedi Knights cutting each other’s hands, arms and legs off.

So Darth Maul’s dual-bladed light saber in The Phantom Menace was really a variation of the multi-formed ancient light batons that the original Jedi Knights used long ago!

I can’t wait to learn how the Jedi Knights went from those humble origins to being “a force for mediating tax disputes and trade routes while letting slavery flourish for a thousand generations” as Obi Wan Kenobi said in A New Hope.

SPOILERS: ORIGINALLY JEDI KNIGHTS OPENLY LOVED AND MARRIED – And not just with each other on long road tours in the Outer Rim, either! Turns out the sexophobic Jedi Knights were originally very in touch with the full spectrum of human emotions and were much happier for it.

All that nonsense about passion leading to the Dark Side and fear leading to the Dark Side and confusion leading to the Dark Side and curiousity leading to the Dark Side and bemused resignation leading to the Dark Side was all just a huge misunderstanding! That misunderstanding was caused by the tortured syntax of the ancient members of Yoda’s race when the Jedi Knights performed on that race’s planet of origin called Dyslexia.  

For centuries the Jedi loved, married and procreated until they discovered their blood-streams were becoming polluted with organisms called Midichlorians. Turns out those Midichlorians not only endowed the Jedi Knights dance troupe with fabulous new moves but also let them tap into the Force: an enigmatic power that makes you fall in love with your own sister!

I know, right! I am champing at the bit to see the finished movie now and discover even more! 

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