Tag Archives: movie reviews

May 3, 2015 · 4:37 pm

THE VISITOR (1979): AN INCREDIBLY WEIRD MOVIE

Like the poster? Too bad! It bears no resemblance to ANYTHING that happens in the actual movie!

Like the poster? Too bad! It bears no resemblance to ANYTHING that happens in the actual movie!

THE VISITOR (1979) – This Italian-made movie deserves a Plan 9-sized cult following so I’m surprised that it’s still com-paratively unknown. The film is directed by “Michael J Paradise” (Giulio Paradisi) and features appearances by such name stars as Franco Nero, Glenn Ford, Lance Henriksen, Shelley Winters, John Huston, Sam Peckinpah, Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Mel Ferrer. Paradisi directs this film in such a way that the actual point of most scenes is lost because virtually every shot includes extraneous footage completely irrelevant to the storyline. The extra footage just distracts from what otherwise might have been a halfway passable sci-fi thriller.  

Never before has anyone used the words “This movie could have used more Kareem Abdul- Jabbar” but they apply to this flick.

All that being said I want to point out that I disagree with the general consensus that The Visitor makes no sense. Sure, it has plotholes, inconsistent behavior from the characters, poorly chosen reaction shots and villains who over-complicate things for themselves, but the basic story DOES make sense. In fact I bet X-Files fans would like it and would immediately understand what’s going on.

The Visitor 4Part of the confusion can be attributed to the edited version that omits so much footage that it’s difficult to understand what is going on. It’s not always easy to understand what’s going on in the complete 108 minute version, either, but at least it retains all the relevant footage. Since so many people seem lost when they first watch this movie I’ll provide a handy synopsis of the film. It’s not quite right to say there are spoilers ahead since most people apparently don’t understand what is going on when they watch the film anyway. Continue reading →

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March 24, 2015 · 3:01 am

DEAFULA (1975) ONE OF BALLADEER’S BLOG’S GREATEST HITS

Deafula BalladeerThis is one of my most- requested Bad Movie reviews, so here it is again. Deafula is yet another of those bad movies that has such a bizarre premise that many believe the film to be an urban legend, like the turkey-monster flick Blood Freak. Get ready for a deaf vampire, a very odd witch and the most joyously goofy hunchback in cinematic history.  

Deafula 2DEAFULA (1975) – Category: A neglected bad movie classic that deserves a Plan 9-sized cult following

Good intentions go horribly wrong in this film. Much like with Blood Freak, there are people who insist this film is just an urban legend and that it doesn’t really exist. Those people are wrong again. This horror film is in black and white and, as the title suggests, the vampire as well as everyone else in this movie’s world are deaf and communicate through sign language, billed as “Signscope” in the movie posters and in the opening credits, as if this was a pioneering technical gimmick on a par with Sensurround. (Although considering how lame Sensurround was there may be something to that)

Never fear, though, there is also voice-over narration provided by different people for each actor, so that people who don’t know sign language can follow the story. Obviously this is all very noble, and in fact Peter Wechsburg, who produced this film and stars as Deafula, was responsible for an all-sign language newscast for the hearing impaired. That newscast originated in Portland, OR, which is also where Deafula was filmed. Continue reading →

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February 17, 2015 · 1:17 am

MARDI GRAS MASSACRE – (1978)

Mardi Gras MassacreMARDI GRAS MASSACRE (1978) – Category: A neglected Bad Movie classic, but its hard-core gore will prevent it from ever having a Plan 9-sized cult following

It takes a twisted sort of genius to make multiple disembowelment murders look boring, but that’s exactly what Jack Weis accomplishes in Mardi Gras Massacre! Today may be Fat Tuesday, but let’s rechristen it “Splat Tuesday” in honor of this late 70’s splatterfest. 

The actual “massacre” part of this movie is an incredible disappointment. An insane, hate-filled man with a Continue reading →

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November 19, 2014 · 12:17 am

FOUR MORE BAD MOVIES

Balladeer’s Blog takes a look at four more neglected bad movies. 

Secret of Dorian GrayTHE SECRET OF DORIAN GRAY (1970) – A terrific idea was blown in this hilariously flawed attempt to adapt Oscar Wilde’s Picture of Dorian Gray to swinging 60’s London. Helmut Berger, who was sort of a Nordic Michael York back when this movie was made stars as our title hero whose portrait begins to reflect all the physical and spiritual wear and tear of Dorian’s hedonistic lifestyle, thus preserving his young, beautiful physical form.

It also prevents Dorian’s body from aging, which has always made me think this adaptation might have worked better as a musical comedy in the 1980’s with Dorian a Mick Jagger-type rocker starting out in the 60’s but retaining his appeal two decades later. The contrast between the 60’s and 80’s cultural mindset would have provided plenty of comic and not-so-comic material. Continue reading →

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October 26, 2014 · 2:13 pm

ZOMBIES OF MONTICELLO (2013): HORROR FILM REVIEW

Jefferson in his favorite mink stole.

Jefferson in his favorite mink stole.

ZOMBIES OF MONTICELLO (2013) – Halloween month continues at Balladeer’s Blog with this review of cult director Eddie Wozniak’s blood-soaked combination of horror and commentary.

Learn the REAL cause of Thomas Jefferson’s death on July 4th, 1826! On the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence the zombified corpses of all of Jefferson’s dead slaves rise from their graves and besiege him and his extended family in the Jefferson mansion at Monticello!

The pompous hypocrite who penned noble words about freedom and equality while OWNING other human beings tries everything to wipe out the undead legions pressing in on all sides. Continue reading →

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October 15, 2014 · 9:49 pm

CROSS OF THE SEVEN JEWELS (1987): HORROR FILM REVIEW

Halloween month continues at Balladeer’s Blog!

Cross of the Seven Jewels 1CROSS OF THE SEVEN JEWELS (1987) – Where has this film been all my life? I want to have this movie’s children and I’m a guy!

Cross of the Seven Jewels is easily the worst and weirdest werewolf movie I’ve ever seen. Forget The Werewolf of Woodstock, forget Face of the Screaming Werewolf, forget Werewolf vs the Yeti and all of Paul Naschy’s other lycanthropy flicks. You can even forget the muddy-faced wolfman from Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein. Marco Antonio Andolfi starred in this film under the name Eddy Endolf plus wrote and directed it as well.

Andolfi was openly influenced by Paul Naschy’s werewolf films from Spain, but produced a cinematic mess that captured neither the eroticism of Naschy’s Waldemar Daninsky movies nor their goofy charm. Marco’s depiction of a werewolf is a bit … eccentric … and can only be described as “just a little something for the laaaadieeessss.”  

Personally, I would have titled this film

Personally, I would have titled this film “Ya Call THAT a Werewolf?” but I’m kind of weird.

When Andolfi transforms into a wolfman he somehow loses his clothes (which illogically reappear on his body when he reverts back to human form) and he sprouts long bushy hair in only a few places. The first place is around his face with his mouth left bare, making him look like he’s wearing a big hair-mask with eye-holes. The second place would be his hands and the third place is his crotch, which conveniently becomes bushy enough to block out the sight of his genitals. The rest of his well-built body is butt naked.  Continue reading →

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September 9, 2014 · 9:20 pm

DR STRAIN THE BODY SNATCHER (1989)

Dr StrainJUST SAY NO to this pathetic ripoff of a movie. Regular readers of Balladeer’s Blog know that I can often love even the worst movies because of their bad movie charm so it takes something beyond mere cinematic ineptitude for me to recommend that viewers steer clear of a movie altogether.

DR STRAIN THE BODY SNATCHER – This revolting celluloid con job was made 1n 1989 but released on video in 1991. I’ll start off with the worst part of this movie and point out that IT HAS NO ENDING. The movie ends in the middle of a chase scene with the hero of the story being pursued by Dr Strain in the newest body he’s inhabiting.

I have no idea how this amateurish piece of garbage found a distributor in the first place given its clearly incomplete condition. I’m not being sarcastic by speculating that it’s possible nobody who rented or bought it even bothered watching it all the way to the end. The movie is THAT lame, boring and unoriginal.  Continue reading →

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September 3, 2014 · 7:52 pm

BLOODBEAT (1982) MOVIE REVIEW

Bloodbeat BIGBLOODBEAT (1982) – The presence of a female slasher adds a fresh (but not uprecedented) feel to Bloodbeat. This film is so obscure people seldom if ever get its year of release correct let alone the storyline. Even in the world of weird film premises this little honey manages to stand out. Bloodbeat is about a woman who goes to spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family in Wisconsin only to find herself possessed by the spirit of a dead samurai warrior who forces her to go on a killing spree with his sword.

bloodbeatExcept for the confusing fact that many of the killings are commited BEFORE the samurai possesses her body but even those murders are – for some unexplained reason – synchronized with the possessed woman’s orgasms (No, I’m NOT kidding). Even more confusing is the fact that at least one of the samurai’s killings was committed BEFORE the woman even showed up in this Wisconsin town. Anyway, the samurai’s sword is a war trophy in a trunk in the home of the main characters. The fact that we are never even told the last names of any of the main characters should give you a hint about the storytelling ineptitude on display in this flick. Continue reading →

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June 30, 2014 · 12:02 am

FILM REVIEW: TO THE FOURTH POWER (2013)

To the 4th PowerTO THE FOURTH POWER (2013) – This film was one of the sleeper hits of last year. You’d think it would be impossible to do something creative with the mock documentary format at this point but To The Fourth Power proves to be a thought-provoking and inventive piece set “just a few years from now”.

The movie depicts a near future in which the Continue reading →

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June 13, 2014 · 12:01 am

FRIDAY THE 13th: THE ORPHAN (1977)

Friday the 13th The Orphan biggerFRIDAY THE 13th: THE ORPHAN (1977) – H.H. Munro must have turned over in his grave at this adaptation of one of his short stories. This quasi-horror film was re-released in 1979 as just The Orphan and despite the original title it has no connection to the Friday the 13th series of slasher flicks. At least, no REAL connection. I’m surprised some unscrupulous distributor never tried sneaking this into theaters in the 1980’s as a “prequel” to the slasher movies by presenting the insane young boy in the movie as the grandfather of Jason Voorhees.

Even so the title makes it hard not to think of our wealthy young protagonist “David” (Mark Owens) as an ancestor of the hockey- masked slice and dice man from Crystal Lake. In the 1920’s David’s mother accidentally shoots his African Big Game Hunter father Kevin to death during an argument about his frequent overseas trips. David not only witnesses this but sees his mother put the gun in her mouth and kill herself immediately afterward. Next David gets VERY disturbed when a presumed family member (an uncredited Christopher Lloyd in a “blink-and-you’ll- miss- him” appearance) forces him to kiss his dead father as he lies in his coffin. Continue reading →

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