Tag Archives: humor

March 7, 2018 · 9:47 am

JIMMY KIMMEL: THE BALLADEER’S BLOG INTERVIEW

Jimmy Kimmell fat pigJimmy Kimmel, known as “that guy from The Man Show” and as “the wimp people love to hate” has been begging me to interview him for years now. I kept putting him off, given his reputation for grotesque body odor.

Finally I decided I could end the annoyance once and for all with a wager. I bet Kimmel that he couldn’t POSSIBLY get even lower ratings for the Harvey Weinstein Awards than the pathetic dweeb who hosted them last year. If he did, I would interview him. If not, I never had to interview him. Jimmy jumped at the bet.

Turns out he was the repugnant douchebag who hosted them last year! Needless to say, since garbage like Kimmel reeks more and more the longer it sits and festers he got much, much MUCH lower ratings than the previous year.

Anyway, I don’t welch on bets (which I understand is what Jimmy Kimmel’s mother said to the three-time animal-rapist who knocked her up with Jimmy in the first place) so I agreed to finally interview Kimmel to swat him away once and for all. So, let’s deal with this hack who cries himself to sleep every night over the fact that he’ll never be as daring, funny and iconoclastic as Steven Crowder. 

BY THE WAY, THE REPULSIVE JIMMY KIMMEL STILL REFUSES TO DONATE MORE MONEY TO CHARITY. WHAT A GREEDY SCUMBAG.

Balladeer’s Blog: So, Jimmy, looks like you did the seeming impossible and got even LOWER ratings than last year for your performance at this year’s presentation of Rapists and Child Molestors Against Trump.

Jimmy Kimmel: Yeah. I hate that Trump guy. He got all those beautiful women all his life and the only woman-ish thing I’ve ever managed to score with is that horse-faced Sarah Silverman. Every day and night I think about that and that’s what fuels my monomaniacal hatred of the Donald.  

BB: It’s possible if you showered every now and then or didn’t look so creepy all the time with that half-assed attempt at a beard you might be able to attract an acceptable looking woman.

JK: Personal hygiene is for the in-bred morons who voted for Trump. They’re all so stupid it’s like, what a bunch of stupid-headed stupid heads. I used to BEG Trump to fix me up with women but he always refused.

BB: Do you think your bizarre fixation on President Trump is healthy?

JK: Hell, yeah! In the entertainment industry today even somebody as untalented and unappealing as I am can make okay bucks as long as I bash Trump. It’s like, NONE of the celebrities that I pay to talk to me can believe that American scumbags voted for this guy. Continue reading →

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February 28, 2018 · 1:10 am

TOP ODDLY-NAMED BANDS OF THE PAST

Mascot new lookIf I ever formed a rock band of my own I would, needless to say, base the name on something from Bad Movie Lore. Something like Renegade Belgian Cardinals – based on a line of dialogue from the Serial-Killer Priest flick The Confessional.

Putting that aside here’s a quick Balladeer’s Blog list of Oddly-Named Bands of the Past. It’s strictly for people who sometimes wake up at 3am and wonder if Gene was only pretending to love Jezebel.

Trash Can SinatrasTHE TRASH CAN SINATRAS

When you hear the name Sinatra you immediately think of … Scotland? Well, no you don’t, but that’s where this band hailed from.

Used in a Sentence: “The Trash Can Sinatras is a hell of a mean-spirited way of referring to Nancy and Tina!”

FRONT 242

For decades this band was known as THE influence in Belgian Industrial Rock, complete with all the massive cultural firepower that implies. (Oh, sure, Balladeer, pick on the Belgians!)

Used in a Sentence: “You fight the front 242 … I’ll handle the 243rd guy back there.” Continue reading →

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February 17, 2018 · 8:46 pm

PRESIDENTIAL LOSERS: PROS AND CONS

mascot new look donkey and elephant headsHappy Presidents Day Weekend! Over the years Balladeer’s Blog’s irreverent, tongue-in-cheek looks at the pros and cons of U.S. Presidents have been among my most visited items.

For a change of pace here’s a look at the pros and cons of the LOSERS who were left in a defeated heap enroute to the Oval Office. In reverse order:

hillary-clinton-haitiHILLARY CLINTON (Lost to President Donald Trump)

Motto: “When the money keeps rolling in (to your fake charity), what’s a girl to do? Skim a little (well, quite a lot, actually) off the top for expenses wouldn’t you?”

Nickname: The Rapist’s Wife/ Crooked Hillary 

Hillary clinton dough nationPro: Her childish refusal to address her own supporters the night Donald Trump utterly humiliated her provided a look at how truly petty, shallow and classless she is. 

Con: She and her fascist followers tried to threaten the members of the Electoral College into casting their votes for her instead of Trump, thereby reaching the absolute lowest and most disgusting level that any American politician has ever sunk to. 

MITT ROMNEY (Lost to Obama)

Motto: “Pushing women back to the Fifties … the EIGHTEEN fifties!”

Nickname: The Mormon Mondale/ Ol’ Sploog Face (tie)

Pro: His even more pathetic running mate Paul Ryan actually made him look good by comparison. 

Con: Was so thoroughly inept he managed to lose to Barack Obama even after voters saw what a disaster he was.

John Mccain cheatingJOHN MCCAIN (Lost to Obama)

Motto: “I didn’t spend years in the pockets of the McCain Foundation’s billionaire donors just to watch a candidate even MORE deeply in their pockets beat me … but once Barack did I was happy to kiss his butt!” Continue reading →

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February 16, 2018 · 11:18 pm

U.S. PRESIDENTS FROM EISENHOWER TO TRUMP

It’s Presidents Day Weekend! Here are some takes on the more recent presidents.  

EisenhowerDWIGHT EISENHOWER

Character Type: Well-meaning but befuddled sitcom grandfather.

Military Service: World War One and World War Two

Motto: “FOOORE!” (Remember,  the traditional cry as you’re teeing off in golf? Oh, never mind!)

Nickname: Uncle Milty

Pro: Knew enough to distrust Richard Nixon long before it became the national pasttime. 

Con: Was the first president to pronounce nuclear as “nucular”.

john f kennedyJOHN F KENNEDY

Character Type: Rich playboy who disdained both Liberals and Conservatives and played by his own rules.

Military Service: World War Two

Motto: “Thank God for television!”

Nickname: FDR  

Pro: The man was shrewd enough to distrust both liberals and conservatives equally. I can’t praise that attitude highly enough given our present circumstances. 

Con: Continue reading →

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February 6, 2018 · 12:03 am

VICE PRESIDENTS: JOKES ABOUT THESE ULTIMATE SECOND BANANAS

John Adams

With President’s Day coming up soon here’s the first of many seasonal posts.

John Adams called the Vice Presidency “the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived.” A very old joke went “Once there were two brothers. One ran away to sea and the other became Vice President. Neither was ever heard from again.”

In George S Kaufman’s and Morrie Ryskind’s classic stage work Of Thee I Sing one of the characters turns down an offer to be Vice President because he’s ashamed to have his mother know. He’s persuaded to accept the office when it’s pointed out that if he doesn’t tell her about it she’ll never find out.

The office has featured eminently forgettable figures as well as comic relief buffoons like Dan “The Global Village Idiot” Quayle and Joe “Koo Koo For Cocoa Puffs” Biden. In the light-hearted style of Balladeer’s Blog’s look at U.S. Presidents here’s a look at the men who got to hang around and see if the country’s Chief Executive wound up six feet under. I’m omitting VP’s who went on to actually become President, so no John Adams or Thomas Jefferson, etc. 

aaron-burrAARON BURR

Served Under: Jefferson 

Noted for: Shooting dead more Treasury Secretaries and hatching more plots to start his own country than any other Vice President. (So far, anyway.)

Best Burr Quote: “I’m still searching for the real killers of Alexander Hamilton.” 

GEORGE CLINTON

Served Under: Jefferson and Madison

Noted for: P-Funk and Funkadelic Leading American Rebel forces against the British troops of his loyalist cousin Sir Henry Clinton during the Revolutionary War.

Best Clinton Quote: “Do fries go with that shake?”

Elbridge GerryELBRIDGE GERRY

Served Under: Madison

Noted for: Pioneering the method of “Gerrymandering” political districts in a way that the modern day Democrats and Republicans have raised to a mainstay in the world of white collar crime which they inhabit.

Best Gerry Quote: “I’ll be immortalized as the man who invented Elbridge-mandering!”

DANIEL D TOMPKINS

Served Under: Monroe Continue reading →

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January 17, 2018 · 12:30 am

MOCK HEADLINES: JANUARY 17th

Mascot with demo and repub headsQUEEN ELIZABETH NAMES PRINCE WILLIAM AS HER SUCCESSOR TO THE THRONE; AL SHARPTON IS OUTRAGED THAT SHE DIDN’T PICK A BLACK MAN

CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS VOW TO OUST TRUMP FOR ATTRACTING SO MANY PEOPLE OF COLOR TO THE PARTY

DEMOCRAT MEDIA STILL PRETENDING THAT THERE IS ANYTHING THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP COULD SAY OR DO THAT THEY WOULD NOT TWIST AND DISTORT AND POUT OVER

FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP STILL SPEAKS MORE LANGUAGES THAN BOTH OBAMAS COMBINED

liberals crying racism“RACIST” HAS BECOME SO OVERUSED IT WILL NOW REPLACE “MR, “MRS” AND OTHER FORMS OF ADDRESS

DEMOCRATS VOW TO MAKE “WHITE SUPREMACIST” AS OVERUSED AND MEANINGLESS AS “RACIST”

THEN DEMOCRATS WILL DO THE SAME TO “WHITE NATIONALIST”

AMERICAN LORD HAW-HAWS: THE NEW MUSICAL STARRING BILL KRISTOL, GEORGE WILL, BERNARD GOLDBERG AND ALL THE POMPOUS WHITE MALES AT NATIONAL REVIEW

SUN RISES IN THE EAST: DEMOCRATS DEMAND THAT TRUMP BE IMPEACHED FOR IT 

CORPORATE MEDIA ANNOUNCES THAT ALL TELEVISION PROGRAMS WILL NOW START WITH A TEN MINUTE ANTI-TRUMP TIRADE

PRESIDENT TRUMP ACCUSED OF VIOLATING THE FIRST AMENDMENT BY TWEETING ABOUT HOW SILLY THE TEN-MINUTE ANTI-TRUMP TIRADES ARE; IMPEACHMENT PROCEEDINGS BEGIN

INSANE WOMAN IN A GOOFY HAT ARRESTED FOR IMPERSONATING MAXINE WATERS … OH, NEVER MIND

SCIENTISTS PROVE THAT SO-CALLED “SOCIAL JUSTICE” IS SIMPLY VIGILANTE JUSTICE USED BY COWARDS Continue reading →

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January 3, 2018 · 4:47 am

CALLIPIDES (c 400 B.C.) – ANCIENT GREEK COMEDY

Annoy your friends with your pretentiousness: refer to shows like I Love Lucy and Make Room for Daddy as "Parathespian Comedies."

Annoy your friends with your pretentiousness: refer to shows like I Love Lucy and Make Room for Daddy as “Parathespian Comedies.”

Balladeer’s Blog presents another examination of an ancient Greek comedy. Callippides was written by the comedian Strattis and falls into that comic poet’s specialized area: Parathespian Comedies.

Another fun element of our shared humanity with the ancient Athenians who flocked to attend these plays is the fact that even 2,400 years ago audiences were fascinated and entertained by the trappings of “showbiz”. “Parathespian Comedies” were just one of the many sub-genres of ancient Greek comedy but Strattis is the writer most associated with them … by me and the .000001 percent of the population who are into such things.

Yes, a few thousand years before I Love Lucy, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Seinfeld and other such sitcoms the spectators at the Theatre of Dionysus were laughing at comedies depicting what it was like to be one of the performing, writing and singing stars of the Athenian stage. The Parathespian Comedies sometimes featured fictional stars as the characters but would also depict real-life figures of the stage in stories that were either wholly fictional or based on backstage gossip of the time.  

Callippides was based on the real-life actor and megastar of ancient Greek tragedies. In this particular case Strattis presented a very unflattering comedic poke at Callippides, making jokes that depicted him as a William Shatner-esque ham instead of the accomplished thespian he was often hailed as.   Continue reading →

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January 2, 2018 · 4:55 am

55 HILARIOUS FAILED PREDICTIONS FROM PSYCHICS

earth-explodingWith 2018 underway Balladeer’s Blog takes a look at some past predictions by “psychics”  (LMAO) that turned out to be wildly off the mark.

FREDERICK DAVIES – In 1978 he predicted:

— Jimmy Carter would get reelected.

— In the early 1980s sea research would result in a cure for various types of cancer.

— A manned landing on Mars would be made by 1985.

— By 1988 a third of all homes would be using solar energy for cooking and heating.

firebird-2015-ad— Private automobiles would be banned … by 1990.

— Also by 1990 life would be discovered on Jupiter and communication with another planet – possibly from beyond our solar system – would be achieved.

— Between 1999-2001 the origin of the UFO sightings around the world would be determined. Continue reading →

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December 17, 2017 · 11:37 pm

SCROOGE LOOSE (1957): CHRISTMAS CAROL-A-THON CONTINUES

Balladeer’s Blog’s 2017 Christmas Carol-A-Thon resumes with this look at one of the WEIRDEST and most pointless renditions of Ebenezer Scrooge outside of Dickens Slash Fiction.

scrooge looseSCROOGE LOOSE (1957) – Scrooge Loose is an 8 minute long Gumby stop-motion animation treat from 1957.

Gumby and his equine pal Pokey spot Ebenezer Scrooge escaping from the book A Christmas Carol and set off in pursuit. The pair are posing as Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson just to make even less sense. What, no Jack the Ripper? Continue reading →

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December 17, 2017 · 5:00 pm

ELF ON THE SHELF (2018)

Enjoy this item from Tyler Regan and Rachel Levin.

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