Category Archives: humor

Charles “The Bearded Badass” Darwin

Some things happen only once every four years – things like Michael Moore having a coherent thought and Bill O’Reilly prying his head out of his ass. Another one of those things would be February 29th: Leap Day. Balladeer’s Blog takes a look at some of the milestone events that got cheated out of a yearly anniversary by happening on this date.

1704 – French provocateurs and Native Americans attack Deerfield, MA and kill roughly 50 inhabitants while abducting 100. Ronald Reagan’s ancestor recommends selling arms to Persia to secure the release of the abductees.

1712 – In Sweden February 29th is followed by February 30th to help usher in the new calendar system … and because Al Sharpton’s ancestor demanded an extra day in February to make Black History Month a little bit longer.  

1720 – Back to Sweden, where Queen Ulrica Eleonora resigns following general public ridicule of her name “Ulrica”. I’m kidding! But she did resign.

1784 – In France, the Marquis de Sade is transferred from the fortress of Vincennes to the Bastille in exchange for 3 other sadists and a masochist to be named later.

1832 – Charles Darwin explores the Brazilian jungle and gets a great idea for how he can screw with religious nuts even long after he’s dead.

Balladeer’s Blog

1836 – In Paris, Meyerbeers’ opera Les Huguenots premieres. Nobody cared back then either.

1840 – Future Penn State Coach Joe Paterno is born. (Disclaimer: that probably isn’t true.)

1868 – The first British government of Benjamin Disraeli is formed. Later in the year he would form his first Swedish government and first Argentinian government to much popular acclaim.

1892 – The United States and Great Britain sign a treaty regarding seal hunting in the Bering Sea. The seals, however, had no representation in the talks.

1904 – U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt appoints a 7 man Panama Canal committee. After countless staff-hours and $900 million dollars in taxpayer’s money they determine the canal hasn’t been built yet.

1908 – Dutch scientists produce solid helium. The world yawns.

1936 – U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt signs the 2nd Neutrality Act after nobody commited to the 1st one. (Thank you! I’m here all week!)

1940 – Gone with the Wind wins 8 Oscar awards. Conservatives bitterly complain about the movie promoting the homosexual agenda in some really obscure, indecipherable way.

Also 1940 – The international community notes that 45 U-Boats, total tonnage 170,000, were sunk in the 29 days of February. Decades later, liberals bitterly cite this as proof of man-made global warming in some really obscure, indecipherable way.

1944 – In World War Two action United States forces land on Los Negros in the Admiralty Islands. Al Sharpton’s ancestor demands the name be changed to Los Islands of Color. Michael Moore’s ancestor insists the U.S. is only in the Admiralty Islands for the oil and demands that the war effort be crippled.

1948 – As of this date the collective Muslim world has failed to provide a homeland for the Palestinians. Later in the year, after the official birth of the nation of Israel, the Muslim world will suddenly remember that the most important thing in all of their lives is providing a homeland for the Palestinians.  

1952 – The island of Heligoland is given back to Germany even though they don’t want it. (I’m kidding!)

1956 – The Islamic Republic of Pakistan is formed, vowing to “set back the clock on several centuries of social and scientific progress.” 

Also 1956 – Determined to further refine his golf game, U.S. President Dwight Eisenhower announces he will seek a 2nd term in office.

1960 – The 1st Playboy Club opens in Chicago. Later on, Gloria Steinem will pretend she uncovered something earth-shaking by revealing that the cocktail waitresses who work there don’t lead glamorous, exciting lives. Wow! Stop the presses on that one, Gloria! Here in the year 2016 cocktail waitresses in nearly every casino in Las Vegas wear outfits far more revealing than the Playboy Bunnies ever wore, proving that women can hold elected office, have high-powered careers and head major corporations no matter what allegedly “demeaning” outfits are worn by cocktail waitresses.

1964 – In New York, the musical Rugantino closed after a mere 28 performances. The comparatively brief run is explained by angry patrons who thought Rugantino was a new Italian dish.

Also 1964 – Frank Rugani sets the badminton shuttlecock distance record before a record crowd of 2 million spectators, all of whom mistakenly thought they were showing up for the musical Rugantino instead.  

Also 1964 – President Lyndon Johnson announces that the U.S. secretly developed the A-11 jet fighter, but nobody believes him. (Credibility gap jokes! Who doesn’t love them?)

1968 – Howard Hanson’s 6th Symphony premieres, causing widespread violence in the outraged Muslim world. (Well, that’s what I’m assuming, anyway, since it seems like anything and everything outrages the Muslim world.)  

Also 1968 – The Beatles’ album Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band wins a Grammy Award. The zombified corpse of Paul McCartney accepts the award on behalf of the band.

1972 – Hank Aaron becomes the 1st baseball player to sign a contract for $200,000 per year, causing widespread violence in the outraged Muslim world. 

1980 – In England, Michael Bracey was finally freed after 59 hours and 55 minutes trapped in an elevator. The rest of the world tells Bracey they don’t even want to know what he did about bathroom breaks.

1988 – Mark Greatbatch scores 107 vs England in his Test Cricket debut. Disgraced former president Richard Nixon accidentally gets a glimpse of Mark in the shower and says “It is indeed a Great Batch.”

Also 1988 – KWK in St Louis changes their call letters to WKBG … forever changing life as we know it.

Also 1988 – New York City mayor Ed Koch calls President Reagan a wimp in the war on drugs. Reagan offers to sell Hawk missiles to drug dealers to show Koch he means business.

1996 – In the Cricket World Cup Kenya defeats the West Indies, shocking citizens of both countries, who had no idea people still played cricket.  

2000 – Nothing much happens, causing the most widespread violence the outraged Muslim world has ever seen.

2004 – In Haiti, Jean Bertrand Aristide resigns as president following the public outcry over the fact that his name isn’t as catchy as “Papa Doc” and “Baby Doc” Duvalier.

2012 – At last, after 8 years of chaos, Aristide is replaced by college football player “Munchie” Legeaux, who isn’t even Haitian but has a really kickass nickname.

2020 – Democrats are still awaiting a prison sentence against de facto Third Party President Trump, which they are convinced will be handed down “any minute now!”

Take care, folks! Let’s do this again in four years.

FOR MY RELATED LOOK AT PRESIDENTIAL HISTORY CLICK HERE: https://glitternight.com/2012/02/19/balladeers-blogs-presidential-pros-and-cons/

https://glitternight.com/2012/02/19/balladeers-blogs-presidential-pros-and-cons-part-2-harrison-to-obama/