In honor of the President’s Day Holiday weekend Independent Voter site Balladeer’s Blog will present some of my quick takes on each of the 44 men who have stayed one step ahead of the law while occupying the office.
1. GEORGE WASHINGTON – Motto – “Screw taking a salary, just bill ’em outrageously for your expenses!” *** Nickname: The First Lady of Broadway *** Pro: Established the precedent of stepping down after 2 terms max. Con: Owned other human beings.
2. JOHN ADAMS – Motto – ” A day without alienating someone is like a day without sunshine.” *** Nickname: Boom-Boom *** Pro: Was almost fanatically honest. Con: Alienated nearly everyone except his wife Abigail.
3. THOMAS JEFFERSON – Motto: ” What’s with that painting where I look like Bea Arthur?” *** Nickname: The Pompous Hypocrite *** Pro: Never vetoed a single bill, deferring to the will of the people’s representatives. Con: Owned other human beings.
4. JAMES MADISON – Motto: “That’s me on the five thousand dollar bill, babe!” *** Nickname: Dolly Madison’s Husband *** Pro: Effectively handled the War of 1812 and other messes resulting from Jefferson’s bizarre policies. Con: See Washington and Jefferson.
5. JAMES MONROE – Motto: “I’m sick of hearing about how John Quincy Adams was the real author of The Monroe Doctrine” *** Nickname: The Furnituregate Mastermind *** Pro: Bought Florida from Spain, ensuring America would have a long, phallic peninsula dangling off our mainland. Con: Got elected president despite being a slave-owner from Virginia … hey, wait a minute!
6. JOHN QUINCY ADAMS – Motto: “No slaves, no tact, no problem!” *** Nickname: Mr Television *** Pro: Was another rare example of an honest elected figure. Con: Was just as adept as his father at alienating everyone around him.
7. ANDREW JACKSON – Motto: ” Loathing the British and Native Americans since the Revolutionary War!” *** Nickname: Tricky Dick *** Pro: Firmly kept the southern states in line during the Nullification Crisis. Con: Owned other human beings and was the first president to veto bills just because he didn’t like them and not based on their constitutionality. This ugly tradition has continued ever since.
8. MARTIN VAN BUREN – Motto: ” Riding my association with Andrew Jackson right into the Oval Office” *** Nickname: Martin Van Ruin (Seriously. This was a rare case where a real nickname was funny enough that no change was needed) *** Pro: Single-handedly added the expression “O.K.” to the national lexicon. Con: Had one seriously Bad Hair Day for his presidential portrait.
9. WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON – Motto: ” Never overstay your welcome.” *** Nickname: Bushitler *** Pro: Tried to establish a tradition of presidents dying barely a month into their term. Con: Delivered a two hour long inaugural address during an actual blizzard.
10. JOHN TYLER – Motto: “Because Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too made for one kick- ass campaign slogan!” *** Nickname: His Accidency (Again, funny enough to just go with it) *** Pro: Fought Congressional attempts at usurpation to establish the precedent that a Vice President becomes a full president with all a president’s powers on the death of the incumbent President. Con: Owned other human beings and later served in the Confederate States Congress during the Civil War.
11. JAMES K POLK – Motto: “You can’t spell polka without Polk!” *** Nickname: Pimpin’ Polk *** Pro: Kept his campaign promise to only serve one term since one of the issues he ran on was trying to limit presidents to just one term apiece. Con: His association with Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson prompted his supporters to try to get people to call him by the awkward nickname “Young Hickory”. I’m serious.
12. ZACHARY TAYLOR: Motto: “The Compromise of 1850 will pass only over my dead body!” *** Nickname: The Wall- Eyed Whig *** Pro: Got tough with the ever- disgruntled southern states by threatening to veto the Compromise of 1850 (which he felt yielded too much to Democrat demands to extend slavery) and warning them that if they seceded he would personally lead the army against them and hang any rebels he came across. Con: Died from what some people consider a suspicious stomach ailment right before he could veto the Compromise of 1850.
13. MILLARD FILLMORE – Motto: “Don’t worry – not even his own family remembered he had ever been President!” *** Nickname: The M.F. in the White House *** Pro: Opened up trade with Japan Con: Went right ahead and signed the Compromise of 1850 after succeeding to the presidency upon Zachary Taylor’s untimely death. (I wonder what Abraham Zapruder’s ancestors were doing back then. I’m kidding!)
14. FRANKLIN PIERCE – Motto: “My wife Jane was every bit as crazy as Mary Lincoln!” *** Nickname: Old What’s His Name *** Pro: Was the first president to have a Christmas Tree in the White House. Con: Tried to convince the northern and southern states to forget their differences and stand united against the threat of creeping Mormonism.
15. JAMES BUCHANAN – Motto: ” A president every bit as lousy as Barack Obama and George W Bush!” *** Nickname: The Man Who Lost Half The Country *** Pro: Gave his name to the fictional high school on Welcome Back, Kotter. Con: More states seceded from the Union under him than under any other president.
16. ABRAHAM LINCOLN – Motto: “The guy who put the ‘man’ in Great Emancipator!” *** Nickname: Honest Injun *** Pro: Guided the country through the Civil War and ensured that slavery would no longer be legal in the restored Union. Con: His career as an aspiring theater critic was cut viciously short.
17. ANDREW JOHNSON – Motto: “Impeach THIS, you bastards!” *** Nickname: J-Lo *** Pro: His principled stand against a legislative branch that was overstepping its authority preserved the important defense mechanism of checks and balances in the separation of powers. Con: May well have been drunk off his ass during his speech at Lincoln’s 2nd inauguration.
18. ULYSSES S GRANT – Motto: ” Setting a standard of sleaze and corruption that would inspire the Harding and Obama administrations.” *** Nickname: Gary “U.S.” Bonds *** Pro: May have been simply too naive to realize what his appointees were up to. Con: Let his cronies run the country like a Mafia bust- out operation.
19. RUTHERFORD B HAYES – Motto: “When you’re fraudulently elected president you should show the good grace to step down after just one term.” *** Nickname: Old 8 to 7 (Again, the real nickname is funny enough to stand on its own) *** Pro: Was the first president to hold the White House Easter Egg roll. Con: Samuel J Tilden in all likelihood really won the disputed election of 1876 so Hayes should never have been in the White House at all.
20. JAMES GARFIELD – Motto: “What $5,000 bribe from those street- paving people?” *** Nickname: Ol’ Blue Eyes *** Pro: Was the first ambidextrous president and could speak both Greek and Latin. Con: Was assassinated by Charles Guiteau because Garfield refused to name him the American consul in Paris. I’m serious.
21. CHESTER A ARTHUR – Motto: “Sometimes a sleazy, graft- grabbing politician turns out to have a heart of gold.” *** Nickname: Chester the Molestor (I’m kidding!) *** Pro: Defied his corrupt patron Senator Roscoe Conkling and ran a mostly honest administration, even helping along Civil Service reform to drive party hacks out of many government positions. Con: May have put the moves on the British ambassador’s 19 year old daughter Victoria in a celebrated incident.
22. GROVER CLEVELAND – Motto: “The answer to the trivia question ‘Who was the only 2- term U.S. president to serve those terms non- consecutively?” *** Nickname: The Round Mound of Rebound *** Pro: Dared public disapproval by marrying his 21 year old ward Frances Folsom while serving as president. Con: This Democratic president actually said “Though the people should support the government the government should never support the people.” You’re all heart, Grover.
FOR PART II, WHERE I COVER BENJAMIN HARRISON TO THE VERY WORST PRESIDENT – BARACK OBAMA, CLICK HERE: https://glitternight.com/2012/02/19/balladeers-blogs-presidential-pros-and-cons-part-2-harrison-to-obama/
AND FOR MORE OF MY TAKES ON MINDLESS LIBERALS AND MINDLESS CONSERVATIVES CLICK HERE: https://glitternight.com/category/liberals-and-conservatives/
© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
110 responses to “BALLADEER’S BLOG’S PRESIDENTIAL PROS AND CONS”
well didn’t I learn something today – great post Ed…can’t wait for tomorrow
Thank you very much! I hope you like Part 2
u sure criticize every1 from Washington 2 Obama … that’s rare 2day
Thanks! It sure is, but hopefully more people who feel like we do will start speaking out about how flawed both political parties are.
lmao … congrats for having enough of a sense of humor to go after both parties … 2 little of that these days … the nicknames r my fav parts …
Ha! Thank you very much!
I love how even- handed you are about your criticism. You definitely have passionate opinions but they don’t fall along the usual liberal vs conservative lines and that’s very refreshing! I liked the comparison of Obama to Reagan as 2 mindless political dogma spouters.
Thank you very much for this nice comment! I think the whole “left vs right”, “liberal vs conservative”, etc business is incredibly outdated.
Great to see someone call out Carter for the inept and hypocritical douchebag he really was.
Thanks. I think “Hypocritical Douchebag: The Life of Jimmy Carter” would be a great title for a book.
Great blog post! Its as funny as your movie reviews! The pokes at Obama had me laughing so hard!
Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Hey! This was very educational and funny 2! u let both sides have it and that’s really rare in America these days.
Thank you! I know! I’m hoping both sides will learn to stop being so fanatical already.
The Lyndon Johnson/ Lindbergh jokes and the Nixon and Obama jokere were my favorite!
Thank you! I appreciate that!
Loved the Grant and Obama jokes! People are way too easy on that failure!
I agree! He and his bitter, hate-filled wife are jokes.
Damn! Is that Sam Tilden remark legit or a joke?
It’s not a joke. Read up on the disputed election of 1876. It seems very likely the presidency was awarded to the wrong man. No conspiracy talk, it is just the way it goes.
OMG IT IS SO NICE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO IS OPEN MINDED ENOUGH TO LAUGH AT BOTH PARTIES!
Thanks! I hear that more and more!
2 fune luv the jokes about Grant and Obama and Buchanan.
Thanks! Glad you liked them! !
It was so interesting learning Harding was such a crook. You got me interested and I can’t believe how sleazy his administration was.
Yeah, I agree.It’s almost unbelievable what they did.
Incredibly funny takes on these graftgrabbing figures. You’re so refreshing the way you show no reverence for the Reagans and Obamas of the world.
Thank you very much! I think putting elected officials up on a pedestal is a dangerous way of thinking.
The whole Zachary Taylor Millard Fillmore jokes were epic!
I really appreciate that!
Wonderful to see a blogger point out how full of it both the democrats and the republicans are.
Thank you very much!
Very funny! You certainly take pokes at everybody so that’s a refreshing change.
Thank you! That’s my goal!
Fantastic article! It was so funny to see Obama get the ridicule he deserves!
Thanks! I’m sure brain-dead Obama zombies would feel differently!
I never knew that about Zachary Taylor. Really food 4 thought.
Thanks! In the early 1990’s they even exhumed his corpse to get a hair sample to see if he had been poisoned with arsenic.
You tell em! Wonderful to c someone trash both liberals and conservatives! Obama too! He sucks so badly but gets treated with kid gloves.
Thanks! I agree, Obama gets graded on a curve.
YES! Tell it! Nobody deserves reverence especially not a total failure like Obama! Your remarks on all the presidents are so funny!
Thanks! I agree about Obama being the absolute last person in politics who deserves respect!!
You really rip into the ones that deserve it but you’re always entertaining, too!
Well, thank you very much!!!
Pingback: Mary Beth
Thanks! I figured there was a big audience out there for truly nonpartisan humor.
I had no idea Grant was so corrupt but I looked it up and you’re right!
Thanks for commenting! I think Grant, Harding, Nixon and Obama will be remembered as the sleaziest presidents!
The Taylor and Virginia slave holders ones were my favorites! So funny!
Thank you for the nice comment ! !
Great to see someone with brains not be taken in by the Obama hype. The man is a failure on every level!
I couldn’t agree more!
Very funny! And its good 2 c Obama get bashed like he deserves. Im sick of people acting like its just conservatives who dont like him. Most of the rest of us dont like him either.
Thanks! I agree with that 100%!
Very funny and very irreverent! People have lost the ability to laugh at both sides so it is good to find this site.
Thanks! I figured there would be a lot of people who felt that way!!!!
Very irreverent and very funny! Nice to see someone who criticizes both sides equally!
thanks a bunch!
So funny and so good to see someone trash both democrats and republicans.
Thank you! I figured there would be a lot of people who felt this way!
Funny and educational. Loved the facts about lesser known presidents.
Thanks! I do my best!
So you’re perfect?
So you’re making the ridiculous argument that criticizing men who have held the office of the presidency means that you’re implying you are yourself perfect?
Humorous and very educational.
That is nice of you((
Why, thank you! !
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I am impressed, I need to say. In fact
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Could you write about Phicsys so I can pass Science class?
Ha! Will do.
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I like this post so much! Lots of fun and very informative about the presidents.
Thank you very much for saying so.
Obama was far more corrupt than Grant and Harding.
I certainly agree with that.
Great take on the presidents! Especially Obama! He sucked!
Thanks! Yes, he did!
I thought Obama and Bush were horrible too!
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