America’s first Amish president. I’m kidding!

23. BENJAMIN HARRISON – Motto: “What this country needs right now is a man whose grandfather was president  barely a month before dying.” *** Nickname: Baby McKee’s Grandfather *** Pro: Was the  president who first had the White House wired for electricity.  Con: His administration was slightly overshadowed by the press’ obsession with his terminally “cutesy” grandson, Baby McKee. 

24. GROVER CLEVELAND, TERM 2 – Motto: “He’s back … deadlier and more powerful than ever before!” ***  Nickname: King of the Wild Frontier *** Pro: Was 10 % doughier than in his first term.  Con: Came down harder on striking workers than some presidents come down on actual criminal behavior and called Eugene Debs “an enemy of the human race”. 

25. WILLIAM MCKINLEY – Motto: “Whatever Ohio Political Machine Boss Mark Hanna thinks my motto should be.” *** Nickname: McStudly *** Pro: Tried to establish a tradition of campaigning from your own front porch.  Con: Got assassinated for an even dumber reason than Garfield. ( If you’re wondering, Leon Czolgosz shot McKinley, then shouted “I am an anarchist! I don’t believe in marriage, I believe in Free Love!” Take THAT, McKinley! ) 

26. THEODORE ROOSEVELT – Motto: “I love me some me!” *** Nickname: LBJ *** Pro: Once went eleven straight seconds thinking about something besides himself.  Con: That whole treatment of the Philippines after the Spanish- American War thing. 

27. WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT – Motto: “I’d rather be serving as Chief Justice instead!” *** Nickname: The Gangster of Love *** Pro: After being president went on to be a very good Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme  Court.  Con: Was military governor of the Philippines during part of McKinley and Roosevelt’s aforementioned ugly treatment of the inhabitants. 

28. WOODROW WILSON – Motto: ” Hey, my League of Nations thing was no more impotent and corrupt than the United Nations has turned out to be!” *** Nickname: Woody Dub *** Pro: Defeated both the incumbent Taft and Teddy Roosevelt’s Bull Moose Party candidacy in the election of 1912.  Con: Won reelection on the slogan “He kept us out of war” then got us involved in World War One anyway after getting reelected. 

29. WARREN G HARDING – Motto: ” You’ll never take me alive, coppers!” *** Nickname: The Ohio Gang’s Lackey *** Pro: Appointed former president Taft as one of the most capable Chief Justices in Supreme Court history.  Con: His crooked administration did everything but print counterfeit money in the White House basement and only his untimely death in office prevented the full truth of his cronies’ misdeeds from coming to light.

30. CALVIN COOLIDGE – Motto: “Absolute proof that the less a president does the better!” *** Nickname: The Vermont Sex Machine *** Pro: The full extent of his farewell address was ” Goodbye, I have had a very enjoyable time in Washington.” I’m serious. Con: Thought it was just an amazing coincidence that some of the people scheduled to testify in the investigations of his predecessor’s administration kept committing suicide or dying unexpectedly.  

The 20th Century Barack Obama

  31. HERBERT HOOVER – Motto: “Eternally grateful to Barack Obama for doing a possibly worse job on the economy than I did!” *** Nickname: The Callous Fool *** Pro: Fulfilled a little- known constitutional requirement that the 30th and 31st presidents MUST have alliterative names.  Con: Actually once tried to blame the Great Depression on unusual sunspot activity. I’m serious. 

32. FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT – Motto: “I’m handi- capable!” *** Nickname: The Italian Stallion *** Pro: Competently guided the nation through the Great Depression and added a humane element to the practice of governing the nation.  Con: Violated the 2 term precedent until in his 4th term they literally pried the presidency from his cold, dead hands.

33. HARRY TRUMAN – Motto: “Get that corpse out of here so I can get to work!” (I’m kidding!) *** Nickname: Dewey’s Bitch *** Pro: Fired the at best senile and at worst demented General Douglas MacArthur during the Korean War.  Con: Brought Boss Tom Pendergast’s attitude that graft is a natural perk of elected office with him to the White House.

34. DWIGHT EISENHOWER – Motto: “FOOORE!” (Remember, the traditional cry as you’re teeing off in golf? Oh, never mind!) *** Nickname: Uncle Milty *** Pro: Knew enough to distrust Richard Nixon long before it became the national pasttime.  Con: Was the first president to pronounce nuclear as “nucular”.

35. JOHN F KENNEDY – Motto: “Thank God for television!” *** Nickname: FDR *** Pro: The man was shrewd enough to distrust liberals and conservatives equally.  Con: I can’t find out what happened to this guy. Anybody hear anything? 

36. LYNDON JOHNSON – Motto: “Hey, hey, LBJ, how many lies did you tell today?” *** Nickname: Lucky Lindy/  The Eagle of the USA  (interchangeable)  *** Pro: His handling of domestic issues has been sadly underappreciated.  Con: Once claimed that “Vietnam is like the Alamo” even though Vietnam was crawling with more people from Texas than the Alamo ever was. (Thank you! I’m here all week!) 

37. RICHARD NIXON – Motto: “You b******s stop that f*****g s**t about my c***-sucking administration and those m***********g b*****t lies about those c***s at the f*****g Watergate Building!” *** Nickname: The Unindicted Co-Conspirator In Chief *** Pro: Helped prolong comedian Rich Little’s career by a full decade at least.  Con: Was so emotionally unstable and insecure that he might have become a crazed loner/ serial killer type if he hadn’t gone into politics. 

38. GERALD FORD – Motto: “Huh?” *** Nickname: The Black Moses of Soul *** Pro: Provided much- needed comic relief to the country following the Nixon scandals.  Con: Lost to Jimmy Carter … JIMMY CARTER! 

The confused, smiling face of utter ineptitude.

  39. JIMMY CARTER – Motto: “What Grant and Harding were to corruption Jimmy Carter was to incompetence.” *** Nickname: The Global Village Idiot or The Once and Future National Embarrassment, take your pick. Sure, it’s kind of unwieldy but it captures Jimmy perfectly! *** Pro: His every action went so hilariously wrong his term played like one long “Don’t let this happen to you” lesson for future presidents.  Con: Never met a dictator whose butt he didn’t immediately kiss, while implying other countries could learn a lot from said dictators.

40. RONALD REAGAN – Motto: “A clueless figurehead who incessantly spouted mindless right- wing dogma.” *** Nickname: The Boil On History’s Buttocks *** Pro: Once starred in films with Errol Flynn.  Con: Was the very embodiment of the “Greed is good” 1980’s. 

41. GEORGE H.W. BUSH – Motto: ” If not for Ronald Reagan I’d never have been elected!” *** Nickname: Ike *** Pro: Unlike his predecessor, he actually knew what decade it was. *** Con: His every word and deed was more annoying than fingernails on a chalkboard.

42. BILL CLINTON – Motto: “Don’t resign like that pussy Nixon did! Make ’em DRAG you out if they can!” *** Nickname: Old Trailer Park Trash *** Pro: Actually displayed some fundamental administrative competence.  Con: Used the institution of the presidency as a get-rich- quick scheme.  

43. GEORGE W. BUSH – Motto: ” Criticism of my speaking abilities is like ducks off my back … or water we’ve all passed under the bridge, or something.” *** Nickname: The Sage of Walden Pond *** Pro: When I think of one I’ll get back to you.  Con: Completely squandered the general good will that many nations were willing to extend to the United States after the 9-11 attacks. 

44. BARACK OBAMA – Motto: “A clueless figurehead who incessantly spouts mindless left- wing dogma!” *** Nickname: A tie between “The Condescender-In- Chief” and “The Tabula Rasa On Which The Sixties Generation Writes Their Presidential Fantasies” *** Pro: He and his hopelessly embittered wife have made as many stupid remarks as George W Bush ever did and they’re all immortalized on Youtube!  Con: Simple- mindedly insists on viewing the 21st century strictly in terms of the issues and conflicts of the 1960’s because he has no ideas of his own. 

Well, there you go! Now liberal zombies can accuse me of being a conservative and conservative zombies can accuse me of being a liberal! What a strange thing the American political scene has become thanks to uncompromising partisan zealots. Anyway, enjoy this holiday dedicated to a long line of people who abused the public trust while feathering their own nests and lecturing their constituents about living up to a moral and ethical code they themselves constantly violated.



© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.



Filed under humor, Presidential Rap Sheets


  1. This is so educational and so funny at the same time! u made me want to look up a lot about some of these presidents.

  2. Woman

    “Used the institution of the presidency as a get-rich- quick scheme.” Brilliant!!! Some very witty (and snarky!!!!) truths in here. Thank-you for shairng!

  3. You are so incredibly funny! And I love your comments about each president. I agree with what you said about how outdated the concept of liberals vs conservatives has become.

  4. lmao u make me laugh so hard with this kind of thing. It’s always so nice coming here because u really do hit both sides equally hard and that makes for such a nice difference these days.

    • Thank you! ! I know what you mean. Other sites are either left-wing or right-wing (you can tell from a quick look at their “recommended links” section) all the while pretending to be objective.

  5. Without a doubt this was the funniest thing I’ve ever read about history. ur comments on Harding, Carter, Nixon and Obama were my favorites.

  6. Your site is such a pleasant change from other sites where you can tell they’re trying to push Democratic or Republican propoganda. Your take on Obama was not only funny but it seemed dead-on accurate too.

  7. Good for you for labeling both Reagan and Obama accurately. Partisan madness is destroying the country and both sides are to blame!

  8. You are such a talented writer and so knowledgeable. Its so good to see someone go after both political parties equally, not in the fake way that jonathan Stewart pretends to do but for real. And I love your irreverent attitude toward obama. He has been so incompetent and so bitterly divisive he deserves it. The slam on his hate-filled wife was funny too.

  9. So funny! It’s so rare to see some1 make fun of both parties today.

  10. Pingback: Here’s how to ensure Obama defeat « CITIZEN.BLOGGER.1984+ GUNNY.G BLOG.EMAIL

  11. lol pour it on! ur absolutely right … worthless Obama is the left-wing version of the foolish Ronald Reagan

  12. This post should be required reading for anyone who plans to vote this year! I really liked the way you compared Reagan and Obama!

  13. Pingback: Jennifer

  14. Pingback: Ellie

  15. Hilarious. Hoover eternally grateful to Obama. Haha. *sigh* Luckily no one has had to tie a horse to the front of their car, yet. But, on a brighter note, I live in a neighborhood that has plenty of horses, mules, goats, etc. Maybe I could convince one of them to let me borrow one if it gets to that?

    Not to worry, it’s a “ceremonial position” and royals never fail to entertain, do they?

  16. I voted for Obama in 2008 and I have never been more ashamed of any vote I have ever cast!

  17. SING IT OUT!!!! The presidency has gotten way too imperial and these guys need stripped of some of their power and prestige.

  18. Very funny! Especially the Reagan and Obama parts! They both suck!

  19. Pingback: WR Pitt


  21. Pingback: Mother Jones

  22. Pingback: U.S. PRESIDENTS: PROS AND CONS | Balladeer's Blog

  23. I enjoy your take on jerks like Obama and Reagan!

  24. What a bunch of crooks!

  25. Michelle

    I’m so glad you recognize what a disaster Obama was!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s