Category Archives: Fantastic Movie Reviews

TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY GOLEM: NEW CABLE TV SERIES

Golem (artist's rendering)

Golem (artist’s rendering)

The first episode of the hot new cable series Twenty-First Century Golem premiered last night. For the uninitiated the Golem is a clay monster from Jewish folklore created by a Rabbi to protect the Jewish people from their oppressors. Most Golem stories are set hundreds of years ago but this new show, from the director of the hit action movie The Burqa, is set here in the year 2013.

This Golem is created in Israel to protect Israeli civilians from mad dog Hamas terrorists. The Hamas butchers are targeting Israeli children and gleefully whooping as their fragile young bodies are blown to bloody pieces. The Golem wades into their Continue reading

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MOVIE REVIEW: TO THE FOURTH POWER (2013)

To the 4th PowerTO THE FOURTH POWER (2013) – This film may be the sleeper hit of the year. You’d think it would be impossible to do something creative with the mock documentary format at this point but To The Fourth Power proves to be a thought-provoking and inventive piece set “just a few years from now”.

The movie depicts a near future in which the Continue reading

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JOE BIDEN REVIEWS DJANGO UNCHAINED

biden crazedIn the same format as Balladeer’s Blog’s previous item Newt Gingrich Reviews Ilsa: She-Wolf of the S.S. here’s my exclusive Joe Biden review of Django Unchained.

HEY KIDS! It’s Crazy Uncle Joe here with a movie review for my peeps! I finally got a chance to see this flick called Django Unchained, which I mistakenly thought was a documentary about a musician. Turns out instead that it’s an NRA gun-nut’s wet-dream of propoganda!

This black guy called Django goes around SHOOTING DEMOCRATIC VOTERS in the American South during the 1800’s! The filmmakers thought they could slip that hidden message past us but anybody who knows history knows it was Democrats who owned slaves and defended slavery with Continue reading

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MOVIE REVIEW: THE BURQA (2013)

The Burqa: A heroic woman fighting Muslim Apartheid and defending women's rights.

The Burqa: A heroic woman fighting Muslim Apartheid and defending women’s rights.

THE BURQA (2013) – The Burqa deserves to be THE action film of the year. This movie has a daring premise, incredible stuntwork plus more killings and blood squibs than any three Quentin Tarantino movies put together. There’s also an unforgettable performance by the lead actress, whose name is being kept a secret over fears of violent reprisals from Islamist terrorist groups.

The film is set in modern-day Iraq. Our heroine,  known only as “The Burqa”, emerges from the desert sands, clad in the outfit she is named for and with automatic weapons strapped to each of her sashaying thighs. Like Clint Eastwood’s Man With No Name and John Garko’s Holy Ghost, both from Spaghetti Westerns, the Burqa is an unstoppable gunslinger who litters the land with her fallen foemen.

The audience first meets the title figure when she saves a teenage Muslim girl from being raped and killed by Islamist fanatics for daring to dress in western clothing and to advocate abortion rights. Countless Continue reading

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Filed under Fantastic Movie Reviews, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, opinion

MOVIES NOT COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU

Hollywoodland

Hollywoodland

Welcome back to Balladeer’s Blog, the only site on the web that is truly non-partisan in its criticism of those irrational zealots called Liberals and Conservatives. As I have often pointed out in the past there are no such things as right and wrong, there are simply things that a culture finds acceptable and things that a culture frowns upon. Six decades ago Hollywood films conformed to the tired Conservative cliches of Eisenhower’s America and earlier years. Today Hollywood films conform to the tired Liberal cliches of the Political Correctness Police.

In the 1950’s a movie depicting a gay (or black or female) character in the same positive way that the straight (or white or male) characters were depicted would be frowned upon. Today a Hollywood movie depicting a white, straight or (gasp) Christian character in the same positive way that the black, gay or Muslim characters are depicted would be frowned upon.

As always fringe filmmaking is where the courageous storytelling is to be found. The gutless, pandering Hollywood studios all make cookie- cutter movies lacking any sort of diversity in their worldview. Long ago it was uniformly mindless Conservative films being churned out by the dozens. In recent decades it’s been uniformly mindless Liberal films being churned out by the dozens. So let’s proceed with this light- hearted look at movies no Hollywood studio would touch today.

Crimson ImamNot Coming Soon – THE CRIMSON IMAM – A heroic Muslim woman dons a red costume and mask, then takes to the streets of her Muslim community punishing men who physically abuse women in the name of the outdated dictates of their religion. Calling herself the Crimson Imam she becomes a nationwide role model and inspires a large-scale feminist movement within Islam. Eventually women and gay people are embraced by Islam, with female clergy and gay marriages commonplace and with abortion rights a new Muslim priority.

What You’d See Instead – THE CRIMSON NUN – A heroic Christian woman dons a red habit and mask, then takes to the streets of her Christian community punishing priests who molest children and Continue reading

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BALLADEER’S BLOG’S PRESIDENTIAL ACTION AND HORROR FILMS

Okay, we’ve already had a couple of movies that pit Abraham Lincoln against vampires in one flick and zombies in the other PLUS we’ve had a film involving Franklin Roosevelt in a conflict with werewolves. I’m jumping into this bizarre trend with the following seven synopses for even more movies milking this soon-to-be overdone premise:

George WashingtonGEORGE WASHINGTON BATTLES THE BERSERKERS – During the brutal winter at Valley Forge General George Washington must contend with more than just the elements and the distant British army. The Hessian troops the Redcoats have imported from the German- speaking world have unleashed a master plan to overrun the Continental Army once and for all.

Their ranks boast a dabbler in Nordic magic and he’s concocted a mushroom-heavy formula to transform all the Hessians into furious berserkers like those of the Viking age! George is having none of it of course, and plans to turn the Pennsylvania snow red with the blood of these latter-day berserkers of the ancient Germanic god Woden. All this plus a gay love affair between Washington and Alexander Hamilton just to guarantee lots of free publicity! 

John AdamsJOHN ADAMS: WITCHSLAYER – Remember the tale of young John Adams defending a 1700s Wiccan priestess when he was a lawyer? This movie would proceed from the notion that the young witch went on to involve Adams in a battle royal with an evil coven of dark witches who were giving paganism a bad name!

Using an aresenal of mystic weapons provided by the priestess he defended, John goes on to lay the thirteen witches and warlocks of the dark coven in their graves! Throw in an Continue reading

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Filed under Bad and weird movies, Fantastic Movie Reviews