MOVIES NOT COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU

Hollywoodland

Hollywoodland

Welcome back to Balladeer’s Blog, the only site on the web that is truly non-partisan in its criticism of those irrational zealots called Liberals and Conservatives. As I have often pointed out in the past there are no such things as right and wrong, there are simply things that a culture finds acceptable and things that a culture frowns upon. Six decades ago Hollywood films conformed to the tired Conservative cliches of Eisenhower’s America and earlier years. Today Hollywood films conform to the tired Liberal cliches of the Political Correctness Police.

In the 1950’s a movie depicting a gay (or black or female) character in the same positive way that the straight (or white or male) characters were depicted would be frowned upon. Today a Hollywood movie depicting a white, straight or (gasp) Christian character in the same positive way that the black, gay or Muslim characters are depicted would be frowned upon.

As always fringe filmmaking is where the courageous storytelling is to be found. The gutless, pandering Hollywood studios all make cookie- cutter movies lacking any sort of diversity in their worldview. Long ago it was uniformly mindless Conservative films being churned out by the dozens. In recent decades it’s been uniformly mindless Liberal films being churned out by the dozens. So let’s proceed with this light- hearted look at movies no Hollywood studio would touch today.

Crimson ImamNot Coming Soon – THE CRIMSON IMAM – A heroic Muslim woman dons a red costume and mask, then takes to the streets of her Muslim community punishing men who physically abuse women in the name of the outdated dictates of their religion. Calling herself the Crimson Imam she becomes a nationwide role model and inspires a large-scale feminist movement within Islam. Eventually women and gay people are embraced by Islam, with female clergy and gay marriages commonplace and with abortion rights a new Muslim priority.

What You’d See Instead – THE CRIMSON NUN – A heroic Christian woman dons a red habit and mask, then takes to the streets of her Christian community punishing priests who molest children and men who oppress women in the name of the outdated dictates of their religion. Calling herself the Crimson Nun she becomes a nationwide role model and inspires a large- scale feminist movement within Christianity. Eventually women and gay people are embraced by Christianity, with female clergy and gay marriages commonplace and with abortion rights a new Christian priority.

Kansas

Kansas

Not Coming Soon – THINGS AREN’T WHAT THEY SEEM– A Liberal college professor finds her hatred of all Christian Conservatives to be ill-founded when she winds up interacting with her new neighbors from Kansas. By movie’s end she has abandoned her condescending attitude toward them and has resolved to relate to all human beings as individuals instead of as simplistic stereotypes. Freed from the snobbery of her political prejudices she finds herself on the outs with her slavishly conformist colleagues at the university and must choose between career advancement and standing up for what she believes is right.

What You’d See Instead – THINGS AREN’T WHAT THEY SEEM – A liberal college professor teaches her new Christian Conservative neighbors to stop being such bigoted morons and embrace diversity. By movie’s end she has become a positive role model for them and convinced them to abandon their religion and their capitalist ways. Through a series of shrill lectures she frees the women of the family from the yoke of the Patriarchy and gives them the courage to report the non-stop beating and raping that the men of the house used to subject them to. The men, obviously threatened by the newfound empowerment of the women, become alcoholics … except for the youngest male, who bravely comes out of the closet. 

Swept Away ... August

Swept Away … August

Not Coming Soon – SWEPT AWAY 2013 – A modern remake of the 1974 Lina Wertmuller film Swept Away by an Unusual Destiny in the Blue Sea of August. The original was a simple-mindedly didactic message movie in which a pompous, wealthy capitalist woman and the subordinate blue-collar communist she treats badly end up stranded on a desert island. It becomes clear that the capitalist is useless in such a situation but the “people’s hero” man now has the upper hand in the relationship. GET IT?

In this remake a male liberal college professor and a male conservative blue collar worker clash on a cruise ship. When they become stranded on a desert island the liberal learns that his academic background is useless in such a situation and the blue collar worker he snobbishly insulted now has the upper hand in the relationship.

What You’d See Instead – SWEPT AWAY 2013 – A male liberal college professor and a male conservative blue collar worker clash on a cruise ship. When they become stranded on a desert island the conservative admits the liberal is right about everything, even subjects the two of them have never argued about. After renouncing his religion and his oppression by capitalism the blue collar worker experiments in an alternate sexual lifestyle with the professor, turning their island prison into a carnal paradise.      

Why We Left Islam

Why We Left Islam

Not Coming Soon – BREAKING UP WITH MUHAMMAD – A young Muslim woman, exposed to the greater freedom that women have in America, begins to question the constraints of her faith. She clashes with other members of her family but in the end abandons Islam to explore the rich culture that exists outside of her oppressive, patriarchal religion. She loses her relationship with most of her family members but finds a happier life pursuing her own goals and dreams.

What You’d See Instead – BREAKING UP WITH JESUS – A young Christian woman, exposed to the massively, massively superior intellect of her liberal college professors, begins to question the constraints of her faith. She clashes with other members of her family but in the end abandons Christianity to explore the world of being a Vagina Warrior, roaming college campuses and chanting “vagina … vagina”. (Just kidding. Surely nobody would be stupid enough to do such things.) Actually she vows unquestioning allegiance to the Democratic Party despite her Democratic congressman trying to rape her in his campaign office.   

Keeper of the Flame

Keeper of the Flame

Not Coming Soon – KEEPER OF THE FLAME – Remake of the Tracy/ Hepburn film about a man who idolizes an American hero becoming disillusioned when his research reveals that the man was really a fascist totalitarian.

In this version a naive college student who has been taught to idolize Che Guevarra becomes disillusioned when his research reveals that the man was really a fanatical communist totalitarian. The student realizes the overrated Che was not a freedom fighter but a would-be dictator and homophobe who wanted to overthrow dictatorships ONLY so he could impose dictatorships more to his liking. He chronicles the way in which the myths about Che are as ridiculous as the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. Naturally his college professors find this upsetting and expel the student for hate speech.

What You’d See Instead – KEEPER OF THE FLAME – In this version a student whose family escaped the oppressive Castro regime in Cuba makes a documentary reflecting the admiration they feel for their grandfather. The man not only led his wife and children out of Cuba but went from being penniless and unable to speak English to being a well-to- do restaurant owner in Miami who speaks flawless English. The student becomes disillusioned when his college professors browbeat him into realizing that his grandfather was really a victim of capitalism who was pressured by hate-filled Americans into rejecting the language of the land of his birth. 

FOR MORE ON LIBERAL ZOMBIES AND CONSERVATIVE ZOMBIES CLICK HERE: https://glitternight.com/category/liberals-and-conservatives/

© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.   

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59 Comments

Filed under Fantastic Movie Reviews, humor, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES

59 responses to “MOVIES NOT COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU

  1. So I guess u hate social security and gay marriage?

    • No asshole. If you’ve read my blog I support gay marriage and social programs like social security, but I still recognize what shrill, propogandistic fools American liberals are.

  2. Nice and irreverent! Nice change since most humor blasts just one side or the other.

  3. Savage and funny! ur right – u’ll never c movies like this getting made now.

  4. Fuck you! Blogs like this should be against the law.

  5. Ben

    Im glad Im not alone in loathing Che Guevara as a gay bashing dictatorial bastard.

  6. No matter how much I disagree with you on some things your the only person on the web who really does go at both liberals and conservatives.

  7. Hello again sexy! I miss you so much! You the most daring man on the interenet and your wicked sense of humor always makes me laugh! But the religious peple you fight make me worry about you. X’s & O’s darling! Stay safe!

  8. u got ballz dude. u should write some screenplays

  9. Karl Devere

    So how long ya been a republican?

    • Wow, a tired, lame, unoriginal comment implying I’m secretly either a democrat or a republican. Yawn. If you think Republicans would be fond of my opening remark about how there are no such things as right and wrong you are as seriously out of if as most left-wing and right-wing zealots usually are.

  10. Very very irreverent. u r always fun 2 read compared 2 other writers who think worn out shots at just Christian fanatics makes them daring.

  11. u have this great way of infuriating me at the same time u make me laugh. As usual I think u go 2 far with some jokes but u definitely write things about liberals and cosnervatives that nobody else does.

  12. These made me laugh but I don’t agree with all ur takes on things.

    • No problem! I never expect everyone to agree with everything I say and write, that’s one of the main reasons why I’m neither a liberal nor a conservative.

  13. Dr C

    Irreverent as Hell! u rock and u got balls!

  14. So wut r u – a libertarian?

  15. u would be living in a fascist dicatorship if it wasnt 4 liberals.

    • I know you bizarre little drama queens convince yourselves of that but let’s face it- whenever a REAL dictator is in power anywhere in the world Liberals embrace them – like Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, the Kim family in Korea. I’ve even had one liberal stupidly try to defend Francisco Franco to me. The little uninformed fool didn’t know anything ABOUT Franco of course. She was just obeying the American Liberal’s mindless motto “Must … defend … a foreign dictator … to my dying … breath!”

  16. u r shit Che was a god!

    • The god of homophobia and of executing helpless political prisoners? Or the god of misleading naive, hate-filled little people like u who try to be keyboard warriors?

  17. But u never say where u stand – liberal or conservative?

  18. This is so refreshing! Liberals are treated way too seriously. It’s good to see someone treat them with as much irreverence as they treat conservative jerks.

  19. These are almost brilliant! They nicely capture liberal cliches in movies.

  20. These movies would all be for you right-wing cocksuckers only. You Christians suck dick too.

    • If you read around this blog you’ll see I’m not a right winger you ridiculous American Liberal asshole. And I’m sure as hell not a Christian either, but I criticize all religions unlike gutless pieces of shit like you who only criticize Christianity but are too terrified to take on the homophobia and misogyny of Islam. Now get back down on your belly like a good little liberal and resume crawling for Islam. That’s a good little coward!

  21. ur damn rite none of these would get made!

  22. Things aren’t what they seem was my favorite!

  23. Things Aren’t What They Seem would be great!

  24. Niddy

    Very funny and very biting!

  25. Trenn

    These would never get made by the Hollyweirdos!

  26. The Crimson Imam needs to get made for real!

  27. Do you consider yourself a liberal or a conservative?

  28. Pingback: THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL INDEPENDENT MOVIES OF 2013 | Balladeer's Blog

  29. Can I simply say what a relief to find an individual who genuinely understands what they are discussing over the internet. You certainly understand how to bring a problem to light and make it important. More people have to read this and understand this side of your story. I was surprised that you’re not more popular given that you certainly have the gift.

  30. Once I originally commented I clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now every time a comment is added I get 4 emails with the identical comment. Is there any manner you may take away me from that service? Thanks!

  31. Pingback: NOW ON BLU-RAY: THINGS AREN’T WHAT THEY SEEM (2013) | Balladeer's Blog

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