ROLLER BLADE (1986) – They’re the Cosmic Order of the Roller Blade and they’re female Jedi Knights on roller skates. Well, sort of. Where does one begin when reviewing this film that is so beloved by all of us fans of bad movies? Let’s start with the setting and then tackle the characters as well as Roller Blade’s legendary director Donald G Jackson (R.I.P.).
This film is set in the future during The Second Dark Age, years after humanity’s “energy weapons” have unleashed an apocalypse which has left the world a ravaged mess of ruined cities yet immaculately maintained roads and highways. Go figure.
Amid the usual tableau of feral gangs and predatory mutants there stands a force for good dedicated to rebuilding the world: a religious order of warrior nuns called the Cosmic Order of the Roller Blade … Even though none of them wear actual roller blades, just regular roller skates.
“Skate or Die” is the ugly motto of the survivors in this kill or be killed future. That’s because the filmmakers absurdly pretend that traveling via roller skates or skateboards is the only way to move swiftly enough to have a chance of evading the dangerous gangs and mutants.
If you have any goods or supplies that you are taking with you the only way to transport them is in metal grocery carts that can roll along with you as you skate through the post-apocalyptic landscape. I’m not joking. This grocery cart nonsense is another idiotic element that the movie takes 100% seriously despite how inane it looks.
Our characters:
MOTHER SPEED (Katina Garner) – The Mother Superior of the Order of the Roller Blade. She is in a wheelchair yet still wears roller skates on her feet since such skates are part of the Order’s sacred garments. Mother Speed, like all the good guys in Roller Blade, speaks in grandiose faux-Shakespearean littered with “thees” and “thous” and “yea, verilies.” ESPECIALLY “yea, verilies.”
Making Mother Speed even more fun is the way she speaks with a weird accent that makes her sound like popular 1980s sex therapist Dr Ruth Westheimer. Continue reading
NUMBER SIX TAKES A FALL – In the NAIA the BETHEL (TN) WILDCATS played host to the nation’s number 6 team – the REINHARDT UNIVERSITY EAGLES (should be the Rottweilers). In this tale of two Halves the Wildcats were on top 21-0 by the midpoint. In the 2nd Half a furious Reinhardt University rally fell just short as Bethel U won out 34-33. 
HILLSDALE HOME STAND – The storied HILLSDALE COLLEGE CHARGERS took the field against the visiting MISSOURI S&T MINERS. The Miners led the Chargers 10-7 in the opening Quarter and 24-17 at Halftime. The 3rd Quarter ended with Missouri S&T in front 31-24 before Hillsdale College came back in the 4th for a 38-31 victory. 
DOWN GOES NUMBER SEVEN – NCAA Division Two’s 22nd ranked HARDING UNIVERSITY BISON welcomed the number 7 team in the nation – the OUACHITA BAPTIST UNIVERSITY TIGERS. A 14-7 1st Quarter edge for the Bison became a 24-7 advantage by the Half. After the break both teams scored 14 more points as Harding University upset OBU 38-21. 
SPIDER-MAN Vol 1 #129 (February 1974) 
Synopsis: In a laboratory hideout are two costumed men, the Jackal and the Punisher, BOTH making their first ever appearances. The Punisher, the now-legendary vigilante who got multiple movies long before the Marvel Cinematic Universe was launched, is blowing apart statues of Spider-Man with high-tech, specially designed rifles and machine-guns paid for by the Jackal. 
DUSTY’S TRAIL (1973-1974) – Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip … But not THAT one. Dusty’s Trail was an uninspired, unfunny attempt by Sherwood Schwartz to recapture the success of his famed sitcom Gilligan’s Island. 
Gilligan’s Island featured seven castaways trapped on a desert island because of the mind-numbing stupidity of their charter ship’s First Mate – Gilligan. Dusty’s Trail featured seven members of a wagon train hopelessly lost on their way to California because of the mind-numbing stupidity of their expedition’s Scout – Dusty. 
THE SECRET OF THE SUPER-TELESCOPE (August 1923) – Doctor Hackensaw’s new invention, a super-telescope, provides the most detailed looks at Earth’s moon ever seen. A secret civilization is detected and photographed. NOTE: This is the start of the first serialized Hackensaw storyline. 
NUMBER FIVE TAKES A FALL – In NCAA Division 2 the NEWBERRY COLLEGE WOLVES hosted the nation’s 5th ranked LENOIR-RHYNE UNIVERSITY BEARS. A 7-7 1st Quarter tie became a 14-14 score at the Half. In the 3rd Quarter the Wolves went up 28-14 then held on in the 4th for a 28-21 Upset victory. 
DOWN GOES NUMBER EIGHT – Down in NCAA Division 3 the URSINUS COLLEGE BEARS visited the number 8 team in the country – the MUHLENBERG COLLEGE MULES. By Halftime the score was knotted up at 14-14. The 3rd Quarter ended in a 28-28 deadlock, following which the Bears won it in the 4th by a final score of 42-35. 
KNOCKING OFF NUMBER TEN – Up in the NAIA the 16th ranked KANSAS WESLEYAN UNIVERSITY COYOTES took it on the road against the number 10 BETHEL COLLEGE (KS) THRESHERS. The Threshers were out in front 14-7 in the opening Quarter and 21-17 at the midpoint. Bethel College held a 24-17 advantage to end the 3rd Quarter but the Coyotes stormed from behind in the 4th to win the game 31-24. 
DAREDEVIL & THE BLACK WIDOW Vol 1 #103 (September 1973) 
Back to the story, Spidey switches to Peter Parker and enters the mansion’s grounds. He shows his press pass to get past Ivan Petrovich, Natasha’s chauffer back then. (Natasha was still rich through her inheritance from White Russian family members.) 
IDAHO TRANSFER (1973) – This film, directed by Peter Fonda and starring mostly unknowns, deals with time travel and post-apocalypse themes. It was retitled Deranged for its DVD release. I have no idea why. 
In the past Balladeer’s Blog has examined the gods and myths of Polynesian people in Hawaii, Samoa, Bellona and Rennell. This time around I’m taking a look at the neglected gods of the Melanesian people of Fiji. 
ALEWANISOSO – The patron goddess of travelers and hospitality. Regardless of their tribe, fellow Fijians who reach one of Alewanisoso’s temples can be assured of not being harmed during their stay – usually an overnight one. 
ROKOMAUTU – A son of the supreme deity Ndengei by his sister. This deity was born from his mother’s elbow as another example of birthing oddities in world mythology. Rokomautu was so headstrong he tried to force even his own parents to worship him. 
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