THE GIRL IN THE KREMLIN (1957) – The tagline for this Golden Turkey should have been “STALIN’S BACK AND GABOR’S GOT HIM!” The world of Bad Movies is pretty thoroughly littered with hilariously lame films proceeding from the premise that Adolf Hitler survived his supposed death and plotted a Fourth Reich.
The Girl in the Kremlin gives equal time to Hitler’s equally insane but even more murderous contemporary Joseph Stalin.
Zsa Zsa Gabor – yes, Zsa Zsa Gabor – co-stars as TWINS in this movie which features Patty Duke Show regular William Schallert, so you can insert your own “Identical Zsa Zsas” song and joke here. (“They walk alike, they talk alike, they even get their heads shaved alike”)
And feel free to choose your preferred caption to the photo at right. Either: a) ONE … MILLION … RUBLES or b) Zsa Zsa Gabor IS Mrs Kojak, this fall on the CW!
Adding to the joyously tasteless atmosphere of this flick is the fact that the guy playing Stalin is named Maurice MANSON! The Marilyn Manson and shock-rocker Hitler “Where Are They Now” Stalin jokes pretty much write themselves.
THE STORY: The Girl in the Kremlin begins in March of 1953, when in real life the subhuman piece of filth Joseph Stalin died. In this movie we see Stalin have a plastic surgeon transform a hapless stooge into a lookalike of the mad Soviet Dictator. (They Saved Stalin’s Face!)
The lookalike is killed and presented for burial while Stalin – who passed the time during the surgery indulging his famous fetish for watching a woman suffer a forced head-shaving – undergoes plastic surgery of his own to disguise his features. The murderous scumbag then flees Russia with – we are told – HALF THE MONEY IN THE SOVIET TREASURY plus a few aides including Nurse Grisenko, one of the twins portrayed by Zsa Zsa Gabor herself.
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THE NEW HUMANS (1909) – Written by B Vallance. No other name has come to light for the author of this thought-provoking work. Explorer Montgomery Merrick is roaming around the wilds of 1909 Uganda when he falls down a mountainside and into a concealed valley. 
PART FIFTY-TWO – Some of the targets from the December of 1911 edition of James Larkin Pearson’s version of The Fool-Killer: 
SCORPION THUNDERBOLT – Yes, it’s Scorpion Thunderbolt, the horror movie that has absolutely NOTHING to do with EITHER scorpions OR thunderbolts! They could have titled this thing Terms of Endearment 2 and it wouldn’t have been any less appropriate. 
DOWN GOES NUMBER TWO – The CONCORDIA (MI) CARDINALS played host to the 2nd ranked team in the nation – the MARIAN UNIVERSITY KNIGHTS. In this very odd game the Knights grabbed a quick 7-0 lead in the 1st Quarter, only to see the Cardinals go up 16-14 by Halftime. After the break the defenses dominated and 16-14 wound up being the final score as well. 
OTHER UPSETS IN THE RANKINGS – The 24th ranked ARIZONA CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY FIRESTORM took it on the road against the 16th ranked OTTAWA UNIVERSITY (AZ) SPIRIT and toppled them 45-35 ### And the INDIANA WESLEYAN UNIVERSITY WILDCATS downed their guests the number 22 SIENA HEIGHTS UNIVERSITY SAINTS in a 17-10 clash. 
FOURTH QUARTER COMEBACK – The POINT UNIVERSITY SKYHAWKS traveled to face the BLUEFIELD COLLEGE RAMBLING RAMS. A 7-7 1st Quarter tie became a 20-7 advantage for the Rambling Rams at the Half. The 3rd Quarter ended with the Skyhawks pulling to within 20-14 before exploding in the 4th for a magnificent 28-23 comeback victory. 
MARVEL PREMIERE Vol 1 15 (May 1974) 
CROSSROADS LEAGUE: CHAMPIONSHIP GAME – The two teams left standing in the battle for this conference’s crown were the 2nd seeded MARIAN UNIVERSITY KNIGHTS and the 4 seeds – the UNIVERSITY OF SAINT FRANCIS (IN) COUGARS. 
DREAM NO EVIL (1970) – This film, written and directed by schlockmeister John Hayes, made me wonder who I have to sue to make up for not having seen this gloriously bad movie before now. Dream No Evil is often pigeon-holed as a horror film but actually it combines a number of genres, none of which are well-represented. For a glib summary, let’s call it “A David Lynch film if all the David Lynch was drained from it.” 
THE RUINED BRUIN (1961) – Written and directed by THE John K McCarthy, The Ruined Bruin was another one of those late “nudie cuties” which would make modern audiences yawn and wince … But would no doubt REALLY excite Furries! 
DEFENSIVE DONNYBROOK – The defenses were the story in this clash between the WAYLAND BAPTIST UNIVERSITY PIONEERS (should be the Flying Ws) and their guests the LYON COLLEGE SCOTS. Both teams were shut out in the 1st Quarter, but the Pioneers went up 7-0 by Halftime. After a scoreless 3rd Quarter Wayland Baptist University added a Field Goal in the 4th for a 10-0 victory.
LAKERS STILL ROLLING – The ROOSEVELT UNIVERSITY LAKERS made it 3 victories in a row as they went up against the visiting UNIVERSITY OF SAINT FRANCIS (IL) FIGHTING SAINTS. The teams were knotted up at 7-7 in the opening Quarter and 14-14 at the midpoint. The Lakers went up 28-14 in the 3rd Quarter and ultimately won out by a final tally of 28-20. 
