Category Archives: Bad and weird movies

October 7, 2014 · 10:03 pm

SPOOKIES (1986) – A NEGLECTED BAD MOVIE CLASSIC

Spookies 1SPOOKIES (1986) – Halloween month continues here at Balladeer’s Blog with a look at a bad movie classic that deserves a Plan 9-sized cult. I mean who does this movie have to sleep with in order to be better known?

Spookies is loaded with laughable and outrageous monsters, acting that porn stars would dismiss as amateurish and gore effects that go from wincingly realistic to childishly weak and back again throughout the flick.

The reason for the uneven tone is that Spookies is yet another example of a bad film that was not completed and then was later combined with new footage to slap together a movie with a long enough running time for theatrical release. They Saved Hitler’s Brain, Monster A Go-Go, The Pink Angels plus Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny are four of the best-known examples of these hybrid monstrosities.  

For obvious reasons the characters in the original footage and the completion footage can never interact in the film and part of the fun for lovers of bad movies lies in the awkward lengths the filmmakers go to to try to hide the cut-and- paste nature of their movie. Continue reading →

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September 18, 2014 · 9:47 pm

OPEN HOUSE (1987): HORROR FILM REVIEW

Open House 1OPEN HOUSE (1987) – This movie falls into the bizarre sub-genre of “Theme Slashers” from the 1980’s. I have a soft spot for those flicks and have previously reviewed Horror House on Highway 5 (slasher in a Richard Nixon mask), The Newlydeads (undead transvestite slasher), Bloodbeat (female slasher using a samurai sword), Hellroller (slasher in a wheelchair) and about a dozen others.

With Open House we get a slasher who specializes in killing … Real Estate Agents. Now who could resist a movie about a killer with such an oddly specific obsession? Cult figure Adrienne Barbeau stars in the film and has outrightly admitted she only made this turkey to finance her child’s college education. I have no idea what motivated Sam Bottoms and Tiffany Bolling to appear in this “so bad it’s good” little honey.

Harry, our homeless slasher, wins the hearts of all lovers of bad movies right off the bat with the makeshift weapon he uses to kill his first two on-screen victims. The homicidal Harry stops eating from a can of dogfood long enough to tape razors to a toilet plunger handle and uses the improvised device to unleash bloody mayhem. He carves up the sexy realtor and her hunky househunter just as they were about to get their freak on in the house she was trying to sell him. Continue reading →

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September 9, 2014 · 9:20 pm

DR STRAIN THE BODY SNATCHER (1989)

Dr StrainJUST SAY NO to this pathetic ripoff of a movie. Regular readers of Balladeer’s Blog know that I can often love even the worst movies because of their bad movie charm so it takes something beyond mere cinematic ineptitude for me to recommend that viewers steer clear of a movie altogether.

DR STRAIN THE BODY SNATCHER – This revolting celluloid con job was made 1n 1989 but released on video in 1991. I’ll start off with the worst part of this movie and point out that IT HAS NO ENDING. The movie ends in the middle of a chase scene with the hero of the story being pursued by Dr Strain in the newest body he’s inhabiting.

I have no idea how this amateurish piece of garbage found a distributor in the first place given its clearly incomplete condition. I’m not being sarcastic by speculating that it’s possible nobody who rented or bought it even bothered watching it all the way to the end. The movie is THAT lame, boring and unoriginal.  Continue reading →

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September 3, 2014 · 7:52 pm

BLOODBEAT (1982) MOVIE REVIEW

Bloodbeat BIGBLOODBEAT (1982) – The presence of a female slasher adds a fresh (but not uprecedented) feel to Bloodbeat. This film is so obscure people seldom if ever get its year of release correct let alone the storyline. Even in the world of weird film premises this little honey manages to stand out. Bloodbeat is about a woman who goes to spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family in Wisconsin only to find herself possessed by the spirit of a dead samurai warrior who forces her to go on a killing spree with his sword.

bloodbeatExcept for the confusing fact that many of the killings are commited BEFORE the samurai possesses her body but even those murders are – for some unexplained reason – synchronized with the possessed woman’s orgasms (No, I’m NOT kidding). Even more confusing is the fact that at least one of the samurai’s killings was committed BEFORE the woman even showed up in this Wisconsin town. Anyway, the samurai’s sword is a war trophy in a trunk in the home of the main characters. The fact that we are never even told the last names of any of the main characters should give you a hint about the storytelling ineptitude on display in this flick. Continue reading →

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August 26, 2014 · 12:07 am

MONSTER FROM GREEN HELL (1957) ON THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT

monster from green hellIn the middle 1980’s/ Way down on Level 31 …

Before MST3K there was … THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT!

Balladeer’s Blog continues its examination of this neglected cult show from the mid-1980′s.

EPISODE ORIGINALLY BROADCAST: Saturday March 30th, 1985 from 10:30pm to 1:00am.

Lost CitySERIAL: Prior to showing and mocking  the movie Randy Clower and Richard Malmos, the show’s machine-gun wielding “Film Vault Technicians First Class” showed an episode of the notoriously campy sci-fi serial The Lost City (1935). That serial featured a super-scientific city lost in the middle of the African jungle plus zombified “giant” African tribesmen, ray-guns, a slinky femme fatale and a tribe of pygmies. There’s also a Great White Hunter as the hero and a mad scientist whose inventions include a machine that turns black people into white people! And the “colorization” is considered a REWARD for tribesmen who serve the mad scientist well! All this plus BOTH William Boyds in one serial!  

THE TUNNEL WITH THE MINIATURES OF MULTIPLE VAULT DOORS THAT OPENED AS THE POV CAMERA FILMED THEM.

THE TUNNEL WITH THE MINIATURES OF MULTIPLE VAULT DOORS THAT OPENED AS THE POV CAMERA FILMED THEM.

FILM VAULT LORE: One eye-catching element of The Texas 27 Film Vault was the POV shot down a tunnel of various vault doors which would open in turn as the camera approached them. It’s another aspect of the show that had Vaulties feeling deja vu when MST3K debuted years later.

The shot was achieved through miniatures, of course, and Randy Clower was kind enough to provide me with the behind-the- scenes photo shown above. Continue reading →

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July 16, 2014 · 7:17 pm

FRONTIER MARSHAL (1939) ON THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT

A movie guaranteed to contain absolutely NO accurate information.

A movie guaranteed to contain absolutely NO accurate information.

BEFORE MST3K THERE WAS … THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT!

Welcome to a special Frontierado Edition of Balladeer’s Blog’s look at this neglected cult show from the 1980’s. The Texas 27 Film Vault featured Randy Clower and Richard Malmos as members of the fictional Film Vault Corps ( “The few, the proud, the sarcastic” ) showing and mocking bad and campy films preceded by episodes of old Republic Serials.

ORIGINAL BROADCAST DATE: Saturday, October 25th, 1986 from 10:30pm to 1:00 am.

Mysterious Doctor SatanOPENING SERIAL: Before presenting and mocking Frontier Marshal our machine-gun wielding Film Vault Technicians First Class presented and mocked an episode of Mysterious Doctor Satan, a Republic serial from 1940. The serial featured a mad scientist called Dr Satan trying to take over the world with a VERY goofy- looking robot while a pulp-style hero called the Copperhead tried to thwart his plans 

THE MOVIE: Frontier Marshal, directed by Allan Dwan, has a well-deserved reputation as the worst and weirdest cinematic depiction of the events leading up to the Gunfight at the OK Corral. Randolph Scott turns in Continue reading →

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July 10, 2014 · 10:42 pm

BAD MOVIE SHORT: THE FINISHING LINE (1977)

Trainspotting it's NOT!

Trainspotting it’s NOT!

Yes, it’s the infamous British safety short titled The Finishing Line and it plays like a 20 minute Monty Python sketch rehearsed in Hell. Forget America’s Driver’s Ed films like Red Asphalt or Signal 30 … forget the complete works of Sid Davis … you can even forget the entire library of Union Pacific Railroad flicks. Prepare for tastelessness beyond belief! 

And is it just me or is the P.A. announcer the guy who played Field Marshall Montgomery in Patton? At any rate here it is, the Railroad Safety Short most likey to be masturbated to by Freddy Krueger — THE FINISHING LINE!

Continue reading →

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June 13, 2014 · 12:01 am

FRIDAY THE 13th: THE ORPHAN (1977)

Friday the 13th The Orphan biggerFRIDAY THE 13th: THE ORPHAN (1977) – H.H. Munro must have turned over in his grave at this adaptation of one of his short stories. This quasi-horror film was re-released in 1979 as just The Orphan and despite the original title it has no connection to the Friday the 13th series of slasher flicks. At least, no REAL connection. I’m surprised some unscrupulous distributor never tried sneaking this into theaters in the 1980’s as a “prequel” to the slasher movies by presenting the insane young boy in the movie as the grandfather of Jason Voorhees.

Even so the title makes it hard not to think of our wealthy young protagonist “David” (Mark Owens) as an ancestor of the hockey- masked slice and dice man from Crystal Lake. In the 1920’s David’s mother accidentally shoots his African Big Game Hunter father Kevin to death during an argument about his frequent overseas trips. David not only witnesses this but sees his mother put the gun in her mouth and kill herself immediately afterward. Next David gets VERY disturbed when a presumed family member (an uncredited Christopher Lloyd in a “blink-and-you’ll- miss- him” appearance) forces him to kiss his dead father as he lies in his coffin. Continue reading →

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June 9, 2014 · 5:31 pm

BEAUTIFUL CASEY JAMES PRESENTS BALLADEER’S BLOG’S OBSCURE SPAGHETTI WESTERNS

Balladeer's Blog's Official Movie Hostess, the legendary Casey James

Balladeer’s Blog’s Official Movie Hostess, the legendary Casey James

Casey James is as lethal as she is lovely and among her many roles in life she is kind enough to be Balladeer’s Blog’s Official Movie Hostess. This time around this voluptuous embodiment of men’s and many women’s desires is presenting the first in a series of my reviews of the more obscure Spaghetti Westerns – the ones not well known to viewers who are only familiar with Sergio Leone’s films. 

THE PRICE OF POWER (1969) –  There were literally more than 550 Spaghetti Westerns made in the 60’s and 70’s since when the Italians do something they do it in a big, big way. Those hundreds of films vary in quality from pretty good to hilariously awful and the creative talents behind them often tried to outdo each other in terms of colorful heroes and oddball plots. My favorites include those movies where the Italians took more liberties with Western history than American filmmakers ever dreamed of. 

That brings us to The Price Of Power which was also released under the title Texas. The point of this film is … well, it’s hard to say really. Even after repeated viewings. It’s difficult to determine if the filmmakers were trying to make a statement about the alleged conspiracy behind the assassination of President John F Kennedy or about the civil rights movement, or about capitalism’s impact on the political process in a free society or what. Whatever they were trying to do the end result is like a history lesson taught by Ed Wood himself. Let’s compare the historical record to the plotline of this very odd movie.  Continue reading →

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June 8, 2014 · 2:46 pm

SUPERNATURAL (1933) ON THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT

Supernatural 1933Before MST3K there was … The Texas 27 Film Vault!

Balladeer’s Blog continues its examination of this neglected cult show from the mid-1980′s.

EPISODE ORIGINALLY BROADCAST: Saturday April 19th, 1986 from 10:30pm to 1:00am.

EXTRAS: This episode featured footage of our Film Vault Technicians First Class Randy and Richard’s promotional appearance at Six Flags Mall in nearby Arlington, TX. Supernatural 2

HOST SEGMENTS: One particular Host Segment featured one of the show’s behind-the- scenes people portraying Commando Cody complete with helmet and rocket pack. He was portraying the character because the Commando Cody serial Radar Men from the Moon was the current serial being shown before the movie each week on The Texas 27 Film Vault.

Since Randy Clower still outranked his co-host Richard Malmos (at least until a few episodes later) in the fictional Film Vault Corps (“The few, the proud, the sarcastic”) their relationship often featured the type of abusive “Host and Second Banana” dynamic like that between Dr Morgus and his lab assistant Chopsley or Zacherle and his wife My Dear or Dr Forester and TV’s Frank.  Continue reading →

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