MOCK HEADLINES: MAY 3rd

HILLARY BLAMES HER STATUS AS A CAPITALIST FOR HER 2016 DEFEAT. (No joke here, she really said that. ) COUNTRY REPLIES “NO, IT WAS YOUR STATUS AS A CRIMINAL, INSTEAD.”

MEXICO ANNOUNCES NEW SLOGAN: “WE’RE THE DYSFUNCTIONAL NARCO-STATE THAT SERVES AS THE FRONT DOOR TO AMERICA!” 

REPUBLICAN MITCH MCCONNELL DENOUNCES PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR “DISSING MY WEALTHY CONSTITUENTS IN CHINA” (If you haven’t been following, the bought and paid for Mitch is thoroughly in the pocket of Chinese financial powers. He’s really “Mitch McConnell (R), China” )

MORE WOMEN COME FORWARD TO ACCUSE THE MUMMIFIED CORPSE OF TOM BROKAW

RECORD TURNOUT FOR A MEETING OF CONSERVATIVE WRITER JONAH GOLDBERG’S FAN CLUB (See right for a photo of ALL the attendees)

MURKY MUELLER AND HIS FUNKY BUNCH OF HILLARY DONORS CLAIM THEY HAVE A MANDATE TO ILLEGALLY OVERTURN THE PERFECTLY LEGAL 2016 ELECTION

DEMOCRATS DEMAND PRESIDENT TRUMP BE IMPEACHED FOR “FILLING THE WORKING CLASS RABBLE WITH THOUGHTS ABOVE THEIR STATION IN LIFE” 

CORPORATE FASCIST MARK “SKIPPY” ZUCKERBERG

CORPORATE FASCIST MARK “SKIPPY” ZUCKERBERG DECLARES WAR ON ALL POLITICAL SPEECH THAT DEMOCRATS TELL HIM TO DISAGREE WITH

FOR REAL: KANYE WEST SAYS OBAMA WAS “OPIOIDS TO THE BLACK COMMUNITY” (Again, that’s for real. I just got a chuckle out of how true it is.)

DEMOCRATS CLAIM REPUBLICAN POLITICAL ADS SHOULD BE BANNED ON “HATE SPEECH” GROUNDS; REPUBLICANS REPLY “WE’RE OPEN TO DISCUSSION ON THIS. ANYTHING TO REMAIN CIVIL”

FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP, WIFE OF UNITED STATES PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP, STILL SPEAKS MORE LANGUAGES THAN BOTH OBAMAS COMBINED