PRESIDENT “LET THEM EAT CAKE”
Monthly Archives: August 2014
ANNE RICE’S HUMPTY DUMPTY
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. The wall was where Humpty Dumpty had decided to sit. Humpty Dumpty could be found on the wall, sitting. Sitting was the activity Humpty Dumpty was engaging in and the wall was the place he had chosen to sit. Everyone agreed that the wall was where Humpty Dumpty was sitting. It was of no avail to wistfully pretend that Humpty Dumpty was seated elsewhere. With an air of resignation all and sundry were forced to agree that the wall, despite how much they might desperately wish for it to be otherwise, was indeed where Humpty Dumpty sat.
The wall had first been constructed eighty-seven years earlier by two laborers named Stanislaw and Ernst. Throughout his workday Stanislaw often reflected on how he might think of Ernst as the most beautiful man in the world, if not for the fact that, if the truth be known, he considered Ernst to be the most physically repugnant man he had ever seen. Or smelled, for that matter. Still, though, Stanislaw couldn’t help but wonder and it made his pulse quicken each and every time.
Stanislaw wondered what it would be like to be a voluptuously beautiful young blonde woman – or, in his more kittenish moods a redhead – and to have Ernst take him and smother him with kisses, and all the while he would helplessly struggle to free himself from both of Ernst’s tanned, muscular arms. But then he would remember that that dream was impossible – Ernst only had one arm. Everyone agreed that this was so. Ernst was a man who had lost one arm and therefore had only one arm left. If one were to describe a man with two arms there was no denying the fact that it could not be Ernst whom they were thus describing. After all, as everyone from both far and near knew … Ernst had only one arm. And it was beautiful. Continue reading
Filed under humor
THIS IS ISLAM: THE AFTERMATH OF THE FOLEY BEHEADING
ONLY SAVAGES BEHEAD SOMEONE. ONLY MUSLIM SAVAGES BEHEAD NON-COMBATANTS. ONLY AMERICAN LIBERALS BLAME THE DEAD VICTIMS OF MUSLIM SAVAGES.
Filed under LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES
THE MATRIARCH: THE TOP FIVE ADVENTURES OF THE FEMALE SUPERHERO
The beautiful supermodel M*E*T*A*L, who portrays Edward Wozniak’s superheroine called the Matriarch.
The supermodel M*E*T*A*L has done a stellar job modeling as my Neo-Pulp superheroine called the Matriarch. The Matriarch fights crime and other menaces in Las Vegas while maintaining her secret identity as one of the countless Vegas vixens with enhanced breasts. Armed with her martial arts skills, dildo-rangs, whips, chains and nipple-clamps plus her knife-toed and knife-heeled boots our heroine makes Sin City safe for, well … sin. All of the Matriarch’s adventures have been very popular but here’s a Balladeer’s Blog shoutout to her five greatest hits.
1. ARMY OF ELVISES – The Matriarch’s first battle with her archenemy Dr Memphis found her battling an army of Elvises who parachuted into Las Vegas for an armed robbery spree. As the night-long donnybrook continued the Matriarch realized she was facing actual clones of the King of Rock’N’Roll. The mad Dr Memphis had created them out of DNA obtained from one of Elvis Presley’s stool samples. By daybreak the Matriarch had defeated the clone army, leaving behind a huge amount of damage in Sin City. This made our vigilante heroine even more wanted by the Las Vegas police. Continue reading
Filed under Neo-Pulp, Sex Symbols
LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES AND ANDREA CHENIER: AN OPERA FOR OUR TIME
Over the past decade or so I’ve grown fonder and fonder of Umberto Giordano’s 1896 opera Andrea Chenier. Like many Americans I used to consider myself a Liberal before Liberalism became as oppressive, totalitarian and intellectually suffocating as Christian Conservatism had always been. I’ve never gone as far as people like Roger Simon, David Horowitz and others who went overboard the other way and became Conservatives but I definitely despise the cowardly hypocrites and mindless conformists called American Liberals.
Andrea Chenier, the title figure of Giordano’s opera, was a poet who happily embraced the French Revolution at the outset but later grew appalled at the excesses of the Reign of Terror. He courageously wrote condemnations of the Jacobins, whom he felt distorted the original aims of the Revolution and turned it into a vehicle for their own personal abuse of power.
Chenier paid the price for his courage and for speaking his conscience. He was guillotined a few days before the mass executions ended. The demented zealots of the American Left have likewise gone too far and similarly turn on former allies over the slightest departure from dogma. Giordano’s opera is not entirely about such themes but I find myself going back to it at least once a year in these times because of how much the message still resonates.
American Liberals have become nothing but fascists who disregard other people’s civil rights and ignore the rule of law. They favor censorship on a massive scale, the rewriting of history to suit their political fetishes of the moment and the blacklisting of anyone who opposes them. Worst of all are the 1960’s generation of Liberals. They are far too spineless to address the real issues so they endlessly restage old battles against wrongs that were corrected long ago. And all the while they pretend they’re the Young Turks in town, pushing daring new ideas even though all they do is regurgitate the conventional wisdom from five decades ago. Continue reading
Filed under LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES
NEW YORK TIMES WRITER CALLS OBAMA “THE GREATEST THREAT TO PRESS FREEDOM IN A GENERATION”
It’s no secret that the weak, inept and crooked little man named Barack Obama hates Free Speech. It IS new for the New York Times, usually an Obama shoe-shine organization, to publicly acknowledge it. James Risen called Little Barry “the greatest threat to press freedom in a generation” AND even more surprisingly Obama publicist Maureen Dowd is the one writing about it.
Little bits like this help pass the time as we endure the worst president in American history. To read the whole story click here:
Continue reading
Filed under LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES
FORGOTTEN TELEVISION: WAR OF THE WORLDS (1988-1990)
This article is dedicated to my sister Rosemary, who is a huge fan of this overlooked show.
WAR OF THE WORLDS (Television Series) – This short-lived series proceeded from a fun premise. In this program’s world the Martian invasions depicted occurring in 1901 ( 1897 novel), 1938 (Orson Welles radio version) and 1953 (first film version) were really three separate real-world attempts by extra-terrestrials (NOT Martians, however) to conquer the Earth. In an “X-Files before The X-Files existed” sort of way the world’s governments collaborated in an extensive – and successful – coverup to pass those invasions off as fiction.
The faux-Martian craft were presented as the explanation behind the first UFO sightings and their damaged spaceships and presumably dead bodies were being kept in hiding at various bases around the world for reverse-engineering and other studies. The leftover bodies from the 1953 invasion were really just dormant, thanks to the aliens’ latest attempts at immunizing themselves against the Earthly illnesses that were always their undoing in the past.
Those dormant aliens are now emerging from their sleep and attempting once again to conquer the Earth, this time by taking over the bodies of human beings thereby giving themselves full immunity. Human scientists, military and governmental forces battle the aliens.
Though all of that sounds derivative War of the Worlds actually managed to make it all seem fresh through quality scripting, fleshed-out characters and a capable cast led by Jared “Fantastic Voyage” Martin, Ann Robinson, Ilse Von Glatz and Richard Chaves. An added element of suspense lay in the fact that the aliens sometimes WON so viewers felt genuine tension. Pacing was a problem, however, and I would say the show’s episodes would have benefited from a half-hour run time instead of an hour-long format. Continue reading
Filed under Forgotten Television
PULP HERO G-8 AND HIS BATTLE ACES: STORIES TWENTY-EIGHT THROUGH THIRTY
FURTHER PROOF THAT A YOUNG BRUCE CAMPBELL SHOULD HAVE PLAYED G-8 IN A TELEVISION SERIES.
Balladeer’s Blog resumes its examination of the neglected Pulp Hero G-8. This continues a story-by- story look at the adventures of this World War One American fighter pilot who – along with his two wingmen the Battle Aces – took on various supernatural and super- scientific menaces thrown at the Allied Powers by the Central Powers of Germany, Austria- Hungary and the Ottoman Muslim Turks.
G-8 was created by Robert J Hogan in 1933 when World War One was still being called simply the World War or the Great War. Over the next eleven years Hogan wrote 110 stories featuring the adventures of G-8, the street-smart pug Nippy Weston and the brawny giant Bull Martin. The regular cast was rounded out by our hero’s archenemy Doktor Krueger, by Battle, G-8’s British manservant and by our hero’s girlfriend R-1: an American nurse/ spy whose real name, like G-8’s was never revealed.
28. THE BLOOD-BAT STAFFEL (January 1936) – Doktor Krueger strikes again! This time our hero’s archenemy has created menaces that seem more in line with something the Austrian villain Dr Mollfuss would come up with.
Scores of monstrous man-bats are flying through the skies over No Man’s Land, terrifying and killing Allied pilots in this latest super-scientific offensive by the Central Powers. G-8 recognizes the hand of his nemesis Doktor Krueger behind this deadly and horrific threat (though as I mentioned above I’d have laid my money on Dr Mollfuss given his love of animal-men). The man-bats are also able to shoot bolts of electricity from their fingertips for no apparent reason! Continue reading
Filed under Pulp Heroes
MORE MICHAEL MANN CAPTIONING FUN (THE GUY OFTEN RIDICULED FOR FALSELY CLAIMING HE WON A NOBEL PRIZE)
CONSENSUS: 97% OF THE PEOPLE I SURVEYED SAID MICHAEL MANN’S UGLY TACTICS HAVE CONVINCED THEM THAT HUMAN BEINGS DO NOT CAUSE CLIMATE CHANGE.
Filed under humor
COLLEGE FOOTBALL PRESEASON TOP 25
On August 23rd the divisions of college football covered here at Balladeer’s Blog will kick off their 2014 season. Here is a look at my Preseason Top 25 in the NAIA (National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics).
1. CARROLL COLLEGE FIGHTING SAINTS ### 2. GRAND VIEW UNIVERSITY VIKINGS (Defending Champions) 3. MORNINGSIDE COLLEGE MUSTANGS ### 4. UNIVERSITY OF THE CUMBERLANDS PATRIOTS (2013 Runners-Up) ### 5. MISSOURI VALLEY COLLEGE VIKINGS ###
6. TABOR COLLEGE BLUE JAYS ### 7. BAKER UNIVERSITY WILDCATS ### 8. UNIVERSITY OF SAINT FRANCIS (IN) COUGARS ### 9. BENEDICTINE COLLEGE RAVENS ### 10. FAULKNER UNIVERSITY EAGLES ###
11. ROCKY MOUNTAIN COLLEGE BATTLIN’ BEARS ### 12. NORTHWESTERN (IA) COLLEGE RED RAIDERS ### 13. SAINT XAVIER UNIVERSITY COUGARS ### 14. OTTAWA UNIVERSITY BRAVES ### 15. SAINT AMBROSE UNIVERSITY FIGHTING BEES ### Continue reading
Filed under college football
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