Category Archives: Bad and weird movies

THE REVENANT (2015): MICRO-REVIEW

Man in the Wilderness

Save your time and money and see this film based on the same events.

THE REVENANT (2015) – Man vs nature movie that, ironically, is far less true-to-life than Man in the Wilderness, a 1971 film based on the same real-life events from the 1820s. ESPECIALLY THE ENDING. Yet the ’71 version didn’t go to the same bizarre levels of hype about its “authenticity” that The Revenant’s marketing does.

Richard Harris played the man left behind to die and John Huston had the role Tom Hardy plays in the newer version. Catch Man in the Wilderness from the comfort of your own home. The only entertainment in the DiCaprio film comes from wondering if he’ll ever say “Yer durn tootin'” in that ridiculous voice he uses in the movie.      Continue reading

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THE CRYBABY KILLER (1958) ON THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT

Cry Baby Killer

In the middle 1980s/ Way down on Level 31 …

Before MST3K there was … The Texas 27 Film Vault!

EPISODE ORIGINALLY BROADCAST: Saturday June 15th, 1985 from 10:30pm to 1:00am.

SERIAL: Before showing and mocking The Crybaby Killer our members of the Film Vault Corps (“the few, the proud, the sarcastic”) showed and mocked an episode of the Mascot Serial The Phantom Empire (1935). 

Phantom EmpireIn that classically campy serial Gene Autry played a singing cowboy who saves the world from an advanced underground civilization that comes complete with killer robots who wear cowboy hats.

FILM VAULT LORE: The movie ticket give-away this week was for Prizzi’s Honor.

THE MOVIE: Continue reading

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THREE BAD MOVIES FROM PAUL NASCHY

Dr Jekyll vs the Wolf ManPaul “Jacinto Molina” Naschy was Spain’s King of Horror decades ago. Many of his films featured his recurring character Waldemar Daninsky, a tormented lycanthrope who was seeking a cure for his curse.

Long ago I reviewed Assignment: Terror (1969), which pitted Waldemar against aliens, a faux Frankenstein Monster, a vampire and a mummy. Here are three more from Naschy:

Dr Jekyll vs The Wolfman (1972), in which a descendant of the original Dr Jekyll uses the family formula to cure Waldemar of lycanthropy. Trouble is he starts turning into a kinky and murderous Mr Hyde on the nights of the full moon. (This is better than being a werewolf?) Continue reading

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THE DEATHMASTER (1972)

Death MasterTHE DEATHMASTER (1972) – In between his pair of movies as the vampire named Count Yorga the one and only Robert Quarry starred as a vampiric Charles Manson wannabe in this film. The Deathmaster starts out with a great bit that wouldn’t look out of place in a Jean Rollin horror flick from France: the huge, hulking Barbado (Le Sesne Hilton) plays eerie flute music, seemingly luring ashore a sea-tossed coffin. Naturally this casket holds our “Deathmaster” – a vampire called Khorda.

Unfortunately it’s all downhill from there unless you’re like me and you really enjoy bad movies. Khorda eschews the usual vampire shtick of being a suave ladies’ man. His approach is to dress like early 1970s hippies do and model his coiffure and facial hair after Charles Manson. The filmmakers even admitted that was indeed the look they were going for. Continue reading

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CHANGE OF HABIT (1969) ON THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT IN 1987

Change of Habit bBefore MST3K there was … The Texas 27 Film Vault!

EPISODE ORIGINALLY BROADCAST: Saturday January 10th, 1987 from 10:30pm to 1:00am.

EXTRAS: Special thanks to T27FV fan Dr Shock-the-Monkey for the date and other info about this episode. He stated this episode also featured appearances by various Elvis impersonators but he wasn’t sure if they were legit or put-ons since they were all of the “bloated stomach and very weird hair” type of Elvis look-a-likes. 

Elvis on BerleSERIAL : Due to the length of the movie this time there was not enough time before the film for Randy Clower and Richard Malmos, the machine-gun toting Film Vault Technicians First Class to show and mock a full episode of one of their pre-movie serials. Instead they showed the excerpt of Elvis Presley’s April 3rd, 1956 appearance on The Milton Berle Show before moving on to the night’s film.

THE MOVIE: Change of Habit is a movie that was practically MADE to be ridiculed. You’ve got Continue reading

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TRUMBO: IS THIS A JOKE?

This movie is further proof that American Liberals are the biggest hypocrites in history.

This movie is further proof that American Liberals are the biggest hypocrites in history.

TRUMBO (2015) – How about “Are you now or have you ever been a racist or imperialist or Islamophobic or privileged?” Regular readers of Balladeer’s Blog know how sick I am of the increasingly meaningless “Liberals vs Conservatives” paradigm. It’s just that right now American Liberals are far more pompous and hubristic and in need of being cut down to size.

Case in point: the movie Trumbo. Only American Liberals could be so lacking in self-awareness that they would – in this age of Political Correctness Police and SJW persecutors – trot out (for the millionth time) the story of Dalton Trumbo and some of the other figures who were black-listed during the Communist Witch Hunt of decades ago. For the past few decades Liberals have been the ones black-listing and inflicting draconian punishments on people who dare to hold different political opinions than they do.

We are still suffering under the “Racist” and “Privilege” Witch Hunts that American Liberals continue to pursue with the same sickeningly judgmental attitude and spurious statistics that Joe McCarthy was accused of. How many careers (and therefore lives) have we all seen ruined by the cold, merciless asses of the political left? Often over  simple remarks or organizations the victims belonged to or political contributions they made YEARS earlier. Plus Liberals accuse people of being racists as a scare tactic the way accusations of being a Communist were used back then.

Anyone under 30 (maybe even 40) who watches Trumbo needs to focus on the OBVIOUS parallels to the way American Liberals hound and persecute any behavior they choose to interpret as “racism” or more generally as “hate.” When you watch right-wing zealots obsessively looking for “pernicious communism” and “secret communist messages” in Trumbo’s screenplays make a point of noting the similarities to the way Liberal zealots obsessively look for “racism”, “xenophobia”, “imperialism,” “colonial narratives” and on and on through the entire list of their paranoid fixations.        Continue reading

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JACK THE RIPPER GOES WEST (1974)

Jack the Ripper Goes WestJACK THE RIPPER GOES WEST (1974) – This hilariously lame horror western was also released under the titles Silent Sentence, A Knife in the Dark and A Knife for the Ladies.

Jack the Ripper Goes West is a horror western that plays like a failed pilot episode for a television series given its mere 51 minute running time. When a rash of Jack the Ripper style murders afflict the western town of Mescal their old-fashioned Sheriff Jarrod (Jack Elam) is aggravated to find himself forced to work with an out of town private detective named Burns (Jeff Cooper). 

If this was indeed once planned as a tv pilot (and the incredibly fake-looking buildings in the town might support that notion) the premise was apparently going to be the clash of old vs new methods of investigating crimes. Elam’s sheriff is an old-fashioned hip-shooting, hard-drinking, saloon-brawling man of the past. Cooper’s private investigator is a sophisticated big city criminologist intent on using modern methodology.   Continue reading

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TERROR TRAIN (1980) ON THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT

Terror Train

Terror Train: A New Year’s Eve Horror Film

Before MST3K there was … The Texas 27 Film Vault!

Balladeer’s Blog continues its examination of this neglected cult show from the mid-1980s. 

EPISODE ORIGINALLY BROADCAST: Saturday December 27th, 1986 from 10:30pm to 1:00am.

EXTRAS: Randy Clower and Richard Malmos, as machine-gun toting Film Vault Technicians First Class and members of the fictional Film Vault Corps (“the few, the proud, the sarcastic”) had two and a half hours to work with each week. Interviews with figures like Vincent Price, Forry Ackerman and others were featured and the movies being shown and mocked were often preceded by episodes of old Republic serials like Radar Men from the Moon and others. 

This episode featured Randy and Richard’s interview with Ben Johnson, whom they had interviewed at his ranch earlier in the year. Johnson also appeared in the episode’s film, Terror Train.

Mysterious Doctor SatanSERIAL: For this episode the movie was preceded by a chapter of  Mysterious Doctor Satan

HOST SEGMENTS: The most memorable Host Segment  Randy and Richard did during this New Year’s-themed horror film was a bit where, as Midnight Dallas Time approached, they staged a countdown and then a raucous celebration of the arrival of … December 28th, 1986. Ken “Tex” Miller, Joe “The Hypnotic Eye” Riley and other Film Vault Corps members joined in the festivities in a great example of the wry humor of this pre-MST3K program.  

TERROR TRAIN (1980) – A New Year’s Eve slasher film set on a Continue reading

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GHOSTKEEPER (1981) NEW YEAR’S EVE HORROR FILM

GhostkeeperGHOSTKEEPER (1981) – One of those infamous Canadian tax shelter movies of the early 1980s, so you know what you’re in for: the usual slapdash storytelling, low production values and a tale that would have been better handled in the old glory days of radio decades ago.

On New Year’s Eve two men and a woman get stranded in the Rocky Mountains following a snowmobile crash. They seek refuge in a creepy old boardinghouse run by the female Joe Spinnell, Georgie Collins. Collins plays an absolute psycho who has two creepy sons, one of whom is a host for the cannibalistic Native American monster called the Wendigo.  Continue reading

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PRECIOUS FIND (1996) AND ENIGMA (1982) – TWO MORE BAD MOVIES SET AT CHRISTMAS TIME

Precious Find goodPRECIOUS FIND (1996) – This is a hilariously bad attempt to do a science fiction version of The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. That description makes this movie sound much, MUCH better than it really is.

In the far future a lunar colony called Moon City is the jumping-off point for prospectors who travel to various asteroids trying to strike “precious finds” in the form of valuable metals and precious stones. The Christmas background adds to the fun in this UN-intentional comedy.

Rutger Hauer, whose performances run the quality gamut from Lawrence Olivier to Nicolas Cage, is very firmly in Cage territory in this bomb. Hauer plays Armond Crille, a former prospector who has given up hard work for the more lucrative trade of fleecing bored prospectors at the card-playing tables. Watching Rutger Hauer dance with the two hookers his character wins in the opening scene will have you rolling in the aisle with laughter.   

Brion James specializes in playing good-hearted simpletons and menacing simpletons. This time around he’s the good-hearted simpleton Sam Horton, whose eclectic musical tastes are his standout feature. 

Joan Chen portrays Camilla Jones, a spaceship captain with all the personality of the doorknob Chen’s character on Twin Peaks wound up getting her soul trapped in. Chen is around just because the filmmakers apparently decided they had to throw in a love interest, even though the film they’re imitating didn’t waste time with such nonsense. Continue reading

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