MARK ZUCKERBERG LOOKS AT POETRY

“I’M DEAD INSIDE.”

Nobody takes more joy in sucking the emotion out of all human contact than Facebook’s Mark “Skippy” Zuckerberg! Mark – who hopes to become “a real boy” someday – recently chatted with a nonexistent reporter for Balladeer’s Blog. The subject was Zuckerberg’s new algorithm for breaking down poetry (patent pending).

BALLADEER’S BLOG: So Mark, what made you and your ilk in Silicon Valley take time away from invading people’s privacy to poke and prod at poetry?

MARK ZUCKERBERG: It annoyed me that there was still a scintilla of humanity left in the written word and I realized I couldn’t rest until I had analyzed it, broken it down and/or monetized it in some way. At the very least I wanted to destroy the emotion within it.

BALLADEER’S BLOG: Why do you despise all passion?

MARK ZUCKERBERG: I figure if I’m not capable of experiencing emotions there’s no reason that people who have less money than I do should get to experience them either.

BALLADEER: Say no more. May I recite some random lines of poetry to you so you can demonstrate how your poetry algorithm would translate them?

MARK ZUCKERBERG: I would not be opposed to doing that.   

BALLADEER’S BLOG: The moon like a flower/ In Heaven’s high bower/ In silent delight/ Sits and smiles on the night

MARK ZUCKERBERG: “Moon good.”

BALLADEER’S BLOG: Let thy loveliness fade as it will/ And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart/ Would entwine itself verdantly still

MARK ZUCKERBERG: “Male gaze.” Or maybe “Toxic masculinity.” I yield to the Sarkeesian-bots on my staff when it comes to translating such dangerous misogyny and exhortations to rape.  

BALLADEER’S BLOG: Two roads diverged in a wood and I – / I took the road less traveled by

MARK ZUCKERBERG: “Problematic fascist walks.”

BALLADEER’S BLOG: Where they have cringed and crawled and prayed/ I stand/ The self-damned/ Unafraid

MARK ZUCKERBERG: I don’t understand it, so it must be Hate Speech. It would be banned for violation of community standards.

BALLADEER’S BLOG: I have no mouth and I must scr-

MARK ZUCKERBERG: HATE SPEECH!

BALLADEER’S BLOG: Ours not to reason why/ Ours but to do and die

MARK ZUCKERBERG: Hey, why are you reading from the Silicon Valley Employees Manual?

BALLADEER’S BLOG: Was that a joke, Mark? And they say you have no sense of humor.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: Who says that? I want their names.  +++

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