Mark Zuckerberg dead inside


Nobody takes more joy in sucking the emotion out of all human contact than Facebook’s Mark “Skippy” Zuckerberg! Mark – who hopes to become “a real boy” someday – recently chatted with a nonexistent reporter for Balladeer’s Blog. The subject was Zuckerberg’s new algorithm for breaking down poetry (patent pending).

BALLADEER’S BLOG: So Mark, what made you and your ilk in Silicon Valley take time away from invading people’s privacy to poke and prod at poetry?

MARK ZUCKERBERG: It annoyed me that there was still a scintilla of humanity left in the written word and I realized I couldn’t rest until I had analyzed it, broken it down and/or monetized it in some way. At the very least I wanted to destroy the emotion within it.

BALLADEER’S BLOG: Why do you despise all passion?

Mark Zuckerberg act normalMARK ZUCKERBERG: I figure if I’m not capable of experiencing emotions there’s no reason that people who have less money than I do should get to experience them either.

BALLADEER: Say no more. May I recite some random lines of poetry to you so you can demonstrate how your poetry algorithm would translate them?

MARK ZUCKERBERG: I would not be opposed to doing that.   

BALLADEER’S BLOG: The moon like a flower/ In Heaven’s high bower/ In silent delight/ Sits and smiles on the night


BALLADEER’S BLOG: Let thy loveliness fade as it will/ And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart/ Would entwine itself verdantly still

MARK ZUCKERBERG: “Male gaze.” Or maybe “Toxic masculinity.” I yield to the Sarkeesian-bots on my staff when it comes to translating such dangerous misogyny and exhortations to rape.  

BALLADEER’S BLOG: Two roads diverged in a wood and I – / I took the road less traveled by

MARK ZUCKERBERG: “Problematic fascist walks.”

BALLADEER’S BLOG: Where they have cringed and crawled and prayed/ I stand/ The self-damned/ Unafraid

mark zuckerberg free to say whatever i wantMARK ZUCKERBERG: I don’t understand it, so it must be Hate Speech. It would be banned for violation of community standards.

BALLADEER’S BLOG: I have no mouth and I must scr-


BALLADEER’S BLOG: Ours not to reason why/ Ours but to do and die

MARK ZUCKERBERG: Hey, why are you reading from the Silicon Valley Employees Manual?

BALLADEER’S BLOG: Was that a joke, Mark? And they say you have no sense of humor.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: Who says that? I want their names.  +++


© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2019. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.



Filed under humor, opinion


  1. Cicely

    I liked the poetry selections and loved the sci fi joke mixed in with the poetry!

  2. Pamela

    These were great! Zuckerberg and Jack Dorsey are such capitalist scumbags.

  3. Manny

    Too too awesome! Zuck is an android!

  4. Ringo Kid

    So dam funny! I loved every word of this!

  5. Verne

    This was so hilarious!

  6. Elwin

    Zuckerberg would have to be a human being to understand poetry.

  7. Daniela

    Zuckerberg always creeps me out!

  8. Pamela Karlan

    These were very funny!

  9. Pingback: BEST OF MARCH 2019 | Balladeer's Blog

  10. Betty

    I really liked this! Zuckerberg is such a creep.

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