We pause in memory of the many Blockbuster Video store owners who fell on the beaches of – Oh, wait! I’m a day behind! As usual for National VCR Day, here’s a look at several VHS movies that I’ll probably never find the time to write full-length reviews about.
CAR CRASH (1981) – Travolta … Joey Travolta. Yes, it’s Barbarino’s older brother in this Italian-Spanish coproduction. Ever wonder what the Fast and Furious franchise would be like if Frank Stallone was the overall star? This movie provides the answer – sped up footage to (unsuccessfully) lend the illusion of speed, and model cars just one step above Hot Wheels toys passing for the race cars much of the time!
Travolta stars as the fast and fatuous driver Paul Little. He wins a race, infuriating the crime boss who rigged the event to let his own driver win. Paul then faces the gangster, his men and several other competitors in a race called the Imperial Crash. With Johnny Carson’s frequent 1980s joke Ana Obregon. Continue reading
D-DAY ON MARS (1945, 1966) – Obviously, the Sixth of June marks the solemn remembrance of World War Two’s Normandy Invasion, but I did my annual salute recently. For today I’m reviewing D-Day on Mars, the edited down feature film version of the 1945 serial The Purple Monster Strikes.
COLLISION COURSE (1989) – Yes, it’s Pat Morita and Jay Leno as reluctant investigative partners. For starters, I owe an apology to 
Despite this Pat Morita-Jay Leno joint having a bigger budget and a supporting cast made up of real actors (Chris Sarandon, Al Waxman, Soon-Tek Oh and others), this production sucks like a Hoover vacuum. Not even some 80s street cred in the form of Randall “Tex” Cobb could save Collision Course, which was recognized as such a bomb that it didn’t get released – on video, at that – until 1992. And even then it was done solely to exploit Leno taking over The Tonight Show from Johnny Carson.
ROB ROY: THE HIGHLAND ROGUE (1953) – Accurate history has no place in this Disney film in which Richard Todd stars as Scottish Clan leader and legendary outlaw Rob Roy MacGregor. The film begins in 1715 as Clan MacGregor is among the Scottish forces fighting against King George the First of England in the Jacobite Uprising. 
Montrose pardons all the Jacobite Clans except the MacGregors, who are forbidden to even use their surname, hence their leader being renowned as simply Rob Roy. Our hero is imprisoned by Montrose but escapes and leads his kinsmen and loyalists in rustling Montrose’s cattle and looting his estates. 
THE SPANISH MAIN (1945) – In the 1600s, Dutch Captain Laurent van Horn (Paul Henreid) is using his ship to transport refugees from the current war in Holland to safety in the Carolina Colonies. Storms and other misfortunes cause the ship to go wildly off course, ultimately wrecking near Cartagena. Spanish Colonial Governor Don Juan Alvarado (Walter Slezak) imprisons Laurent and his crew, sentencing them to hang. 
Captain van Horn and his crew take the Contessa to the port where the Barracuda and other pirate vessels hide out. A very inaccurate rendition of pirate Anne Bonny (Binnie Barnes) is jealous that Francesca has taken her man Laurent. She joins forces with pirate captains who resent van Horn’s leadership to deliver Francesca to Alvarado. 
SECRET OF THE INCAS (1954) – Considering that some of the costume and design staff members for Raiders of the Lost Ark have openly stated that they did repeated viewings of this neglected Charlton Heston film while putting together the “look” of that 1981 blockbuster I admit to being as puzzled as they are that Secret of the Incas isn’t mentioned as much as old serials are as an influence. 
Location filming in Peru greatly improves the quality of this overlooked film. Footage of Machu Pichu’s 1950s condition is fascinating and Peruvian singer Yma Sumac as priestess Kori-Tica performs a few folk songs in honor of Inca culture. Expect a movie closer to Film Noir with archeological trappings rather than an action spectacle and you may enjoy Secret of the Incas as much as I do. Beautiful Nicole Maurey plays Heston’s love interest. 
Remember when Marion Ravenwood tells Dr. Jones “You’re not the man I knew ten years ago.” Well, it’s tempting to think that Harry Steele IS what Indy was like ten years ago. Brasher than Jones in Raiders and as ruthless as Han Solo, Steele is also fluent in multiple languages, including Quechua. As a veteran relic hunter he’s also well-versed in ancient cultures and is buddies with the scholars at Cuzco’s museum. 
THE BRAIN (1962) – Freddie Francis directed this black & white film, which was the third movie adaptation of Curt Siodmak’s science fiction novel Donovan’s Brain. The characters’ names were changed and the sci fi elements were mixed with detective story elements this time around. 
Corrie and Shears discover that Max Holt is the only one of the airplane passengers still clinging to life, but just barely, and has no hope of survival. Corrie browbeats Shears into helping him get Holt’s body back to their lab, where they remove his brain to see how long they can keep it alive in one of their fish aquarium containers filled with life-preserving fluids and equipment.
ZERO TO SIXTY (1978) – Want to see Darren McGavin of all people bare his butt for the camera in two separate scenes? Want to see Darren McGavin getting his bare butt spanked by the Hudson Brothers in one of those scenes? Want to see Darren McGavin in sex scenes with Joan Collins at her smoking hot best? 
