CUCUMBER CASTLE (1970) – Eight years before the Bee Gees embarrassed themselves on the big screen with a horrible movie forcing a storyline to the Beatles album Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band they embarrassed themselves on the small screen forcing a storyline to their own album Cucumber Castle.
Well sort of. Mostly they just appropriated the title of their song and album Cucumber Castle and fixated on the word “castle” to provide the premise of this 54-minute film made for British television.
Lulu, Spike Milligan, Vincent Price and many more show up in the supporting cast. Sammy Davis, Jr.’s scenes were cut. Or were removed under threats from Sammy’s pal Frank Sinatra. Not so lucky was Eleanor Bron. I can say no more. (See what I did there?)
The musical misfire was directed by Hugh Gladwish … the director of THE GHOST GOES GEAR (1966), reviewed last week here at Balladeer’s Blog. Barry and Maurice Gibb are the credited writers, however, so the “comedy” sketches are only sometimes as bad as those in the 1966 theatrical movie.
Cucumber Castle is so awful that not being in it was presumably brother Robin Gibb’s greatest professional triumph. He had recently left the Bee Gees in a huff to try a solo career, and little Andy Gibb was only twelve years old, so Barry and Maurice, who also produced, were left holding the whoopie cushion bag.
In a fairytale land resembling Elizabethan England, a king (comedian Frankie Howerd) is on his deathbed. Barry Gibb plays Prince Frederick and Maurice plays Prince Marmaduke, the king’s sons.
Not only does Howerd resemble Mel Brooks but his intentionally hammy performance as the dying monarch would fit right into a Brooks comedy. And Peter Blythe’s opening narration contained a couple of reasonably funny jokes, so I briefly dared to hope that this telefilm might be better than its reputation.
That was The First Mistake I Made, to force in the title of a Bee Gees song. Continue reading
RAIDERS OF THE SEVEN SEAS (1953) – John Payne plays the real-life 1500s pirate Barbarossa (Redbeard) in this fictional version of his exploits. While working as a corsair for the Sultans of the Middle East, the daring and accomplished seadog spends a little too much time with a Sultan’s harem and is sentenced to death. 
Eventually, during a raid of Tortuga, our hero seizes the incumbent Spanish governor Alida – played by Donna Reed in uncharacteristic spitfire mode – and holds her for ransom. Barbarossa and his crew take on Spanish galleons and Alida’s treacherous betrothed Captain Salcedo (1950s smug jackass Gerald Mohr). 
BLOOD SABBATH (1972) – Anthony Geary, best known as Luke Spencer on General Hospital when that soap opera was kicking off the absurd trend of daytime dramas being more like Republic Serials, has passed away. Balladeer’s Blog marks the sad event with this review of Geary’s most Psychotronic movie. 
For her part, Genie had to suffer through a real-life marriage to Commander Riker from Star Trek: The Next Generation and Anthony had to suffer through bombs like Blood Sabbath. 
Charles Buchinsky, better known as Charles Bronson, was a World War Two veteran who went on to superstardom as one of the most iconic “tough guys” in film history. 
SOMEONE BEHIND THE DOOR (1971) – This Eurothriller directed by Nicolas Gessner was also released as Two Minds for Murder. Charles Bronson stars as an amnesiac patient of sinister brain-surgeon and psychiatrist Laurence Jeffries (Anthony Perkins himself). 
Anthony Perkins tones down his twitchiness a bit and Bronson is credible as the manipulated amnesiac thinking he’s met the wife his memory loss wiped from his mind. 
FOES (1977) – Though I’m reviewing this movie under my Bad and Weird Movies category, let me be clear that Foes is not bad and it is weird in the best way possible. I’ve watched the 91-minute version with Jerry Hardin (Deep Throat from The X-Files) and Macdonald Carey (“Like sands through the hourglass …”) top billed AND the 72-minute version with just the virtual unknowns appearing. 
AGAINST THE DARK (2009) – As Halloween night creeps ever closer, let’s take a look at the most atypical movie from Steven Seagal’s Down Years. Say what you will, but Against the Dark at least stands out among the Waddlin’ Warrior’s many direct to video turkeys during his Fat Elvis phase. 
Viewers are thrown right into the post-apocalypse setting. A disease has heavily reduced the global population. Many are dead but many more live on as violent predators who feed on the living.
Can you believe it’s just one week until Halloween! 
BARTHOLOMEW 
MISTER RABBEY
WAXWORK (1988) – I’m often surprised at how comparatively overlooked Waxwork is when it comes to 1980s horror films. It’s played straight, packs in a variety of menaces, fun Easter Eggs and sufficient scares and gore for that decade of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees and Pinhead. A sequel followed in 1992.
CEMETERY OF TERROR (1985) – HALLOWEEN MONTH CONTINUES! Released in Mexico as Cementerio del terror, this overlooked movie makes for some nice Halloween season viewing and is even set on October 31st. Cemetery of Terror is not as campy as Mexican Wrestling Horror flicks or notorious works like 
THE BOD SQUAD (1974) – Hong Kong Cinema’s Shaw Brothers helped produce this cross-cultural martial arts exploitation flick that plays like an Andy Sidaris film crossed with a WIP movie from the 70s. 
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