Tag Archives: Bad Movies

DECKER SHADO: TERRIFIC REVIEWS OF GOOD AND BAD MOVIES

decker shadoFor several years now I’ve meant to make a blog post recommending the YT Channel of Decker Shado, the often-hilarious figure who calls himself “The internet personality with the best hair.” He focuses mostly on genre films – new and old – and offers a lot of fresh insights on anything from schlock to blockbusters.

Decker’s reviews are energetic and informative even when he’s examining movies that he likes. That makes him stand out on an internet filled with snarky reviewers who can only keep a viewer’s attention when they’re insulting truly horrible movies. Continue reading

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SUPERSONIC SAUCER (1956)

supersonic saucerSUPERSONIC SAUCER (1956) – In honor of the Thanksgiving holiday Balladeer’s Blog presents a look at another harmless, all-ages sci-fi turkey, this one from England. Supersonic Saucer was produced by our old friends in Great Britain’s Children’s Film Foundation, the same group behind the previously reviewed serial Masters of Venus.   

Believe it or not, Frank Wells, son of H.G. Wells himself, penned the story for this So Bad It’s Good flick. At an English boarding school, a few students whose families are too poor to be able to pay for their travel expenses wind up having to spend the holiday break at the school. They are looked after by the Headmaster and his tween son Rodney (Fella Edmonds), a science nerd who resents having to babysit.

sumacTop-billed actress Marcia Manolescue, an English actress of Asian descent, plays Sumac, one of the students whose family could not pay travel fare home and back. Another such student is Greta (Gillian Harrison) and rounding things out is Adolphus (Andrew Mette-Harrison), the tubby youngest character. 

While killing time over the holiday break our youngsters visit an observatory, where they are allowed to use the telescope for a time. They spot what seems to be a spaceship headed for Earth from Venus, but none of the adults on hand believe them.

mebaWe viewers know the kids are in the right, and the spaceship/ flying saucer is really a Venusian youngster. That alien entity used its race’s ability to morph from Muppet-like form to amoeboid form to flying saucer form fit for interplanetary travel.

The alien visits our lead characters upon arrival on Earth, drawn to them by the telepathic “fix” it got on them when they spotted it through the telescope. Because of the Venusian’s transitionary form that resembles an oversized amoeba the youngsters name the alien “Meba.”

flyingThe goofy looking Venusian resembles a thick, tall worm in a white hijab in its “normal” form but is hilariously rendered as a cartoon flying saucer with eyes for its airborne and spacefaring form. The “special” effect is as laughable as the cartoon spaceships in American movies like Invaders from Mars.
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MASTERS OF VENUS (1962) – BRITISH CINEMATIC SERIAL

masters of venusMASTERS OF VENUS (1962) – A year before Doctor Who came to British television this 8-part movie serial played theaters as part of the viewing block for Saturday Morning Cinema Clubs.

Our British cousins could drop their kids off at theaters for a few hours of tame entertainment from such “clubs” while they themselves shopped or ran other errands.

The Childrens Film Foundation produced several such serials into the 1970s.

masters of venus posterBecause Balladeer’s Blog reviews items that range from mild and child-friendly to blood-soaked and transgressive, let me make it clear that Masters of Venus, directed by Ernest Morris, is just fine for family viewing.

It’s available on DVD and streaming, so you could get it to enjoy with the kids or grandkids. Some versions keep the story separated into all 8 15-minute episodes, complete with the teaser for the next week’s installment, while others jam the whole thing together. Among the jammed-up versions, some are complete at nearly 2 hours in length and others are trimmed down to 93 minutes or 72 minutes. 

THE STORY – The fictional British space program is preparing an expedition to Venus. The man in charge of the project is Dr. Ballantyne (Norman Wooland), whose children Jim (Robin Stewart) and Pat (Mandy Harper) ride their bikes to visit the rocket base one day.

venusian men in blackThe base comes under attack by mysterious Men in Black (I’m serious) armed with ray guns that shoot knockout beams. Security guard after security guard falls to the Men in Black, who turn out to be Venusians who don’t want Earthlings visiting their planet.

Jim and Pat ultimately hide from the intruders in the project’s rocket the Astarte, where the black-garbed Venusians knock out the two pilots before the vessel winds up launched prematurely. The rocket seems destined to be lost in outer space until the two pilots regain consciousness and reorient the vessel for its original destination of Venus.  Continue reading

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ANDY WARHOL’S FRANKENSTEIN (1973) & ANDY WARHOL’S DRACULA (1974)

frankenstein 3dHalloween Month rolls along here at Balladeer’s Blog with a look at two notoriously bad horror movies which use Andy Warhol’s name despite him not really having anything to do with them and credit Antonio Margheriti as the director even though Paul Morrissey wrote and directed them.

Sophia Loren’s husband Carlo Ponti co-produced both films. 

andy warhols frankensteinANDY WARHOL’S FRANKENSTEIN (1973) – Also known as Flesh for Frankenstein, this 3-D monstrosity and its sister film, Andy Warhol’s Dracula (aka Blood for Dracula) used to be among the most well-known “So Bad They’re Good” movies. Oddly, they fell pretty much off the radar long ago, but get rediscovered every so often and enjoy a brief surge in notoriety from successive generations of horror fans. 

The making of these two grossout movies, which were filmed back-to-back in Italy, would make a better movie than both of them combined in my opinion. Criminal charges, false screen credits and much more behind the scenes lore would help put such a flick up there with Ed Wood and The Disaster Artist.

andy warhol presents frankeThese two movies are also like 1970s time capsules, too. Recently relaxed standards for what could be shown on the big screen yielded a LOT of cheap films that were clearly made just to see how much gory violence and kinky titillation the creative teams could get away with.

Attaching Andy Warhol’s name to this pair of Paul Morrissey flicks helped appeal to pretentious Warhol fans and gave some critics the excuse to read deeper meanings into the sophomoric productions. Suddenly, awkward grossout scenes, idiotic dialogue and non-existent scares were being interpreted as “deconstructions of the Universal monster movies” or as “director/writer Paul Morrissey skewering the very countercultural sex revolutionaries that were among his biggest fans …”

Sheesh! At least purely mercenary splatter film legends like Herschell Gordon Lewis never pretended that their flicks were anything but cash-grabs that piled on the blood and gore.

double featureAndy Warhol’s Frankenstein and Andy Warhol’s Dracula deserve my usual warnings to horror fans who really hate extreme violence and bizarre sex. Don’t go below the “Continue reading” line or you’ll probably regret it. These films are mild compared to Headless or Father’s Day or others I’ve reviewed, but are stomach-turning nonetheless.

So, let’s dive into two of the strangest Dracula and Frankenstein pairings this side of Blacula and Blackenstein. Continue reading

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SURF NAZIS MUST DIE (1987) – BAD MOVIE REVIEW

surf nazis must dieSURF NAZIS MUST DIE (1987) – The ideal companion piece to the original Point Break! Rest assured, the Surf Nazis are depicted as the scummy villains they are and that they do get their just desserts in this 83-minute bundle from So Bad It’s Good movie Heaven. Though distributed by the venerable Troma Team, Surf Nazis Must Die was actually produced by the Institute. The film was directed by Peter George and written by George with Jon Ayre. 

This post-apocalypse flick is not the typically self-conscious, over-the-top Troma madness that we all love. Its more subdued but still energetically bizarre tone often provokes complaints from hardcore Troma fans who expected something like The Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke ‘Em High or Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD.

surf nazis must die posterSurf Nazis Must Die is refreshingly played mostly straight – but still howlingly bad – and the actors performers don’t spend their time practically winking at the audience over how absurd the whole thing is. That’s a nice change of pace in this age when there are way too many “look how bad and zany we are” low-budget flicks down on their knees begging for cult status.

Obviously, this Institute production is trying to fit into the post-apocalypse sub-genre of Mad Max imitators from the 1980s. SNMD earns its place with its originality. For one thing, rather than a global cataclysm, the movie is set in the aftermath of a very localized apocalypse – the California coastline has been ravaged by a series of monumental earthquakes. Continue reading

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PLEASE DON’T TOUCH ME (1959, 1963) – BAD MOVIE REVIEW

please dont touch mePLEASE DON’T TOUCH ME (Filmed in 1959, released in 1963) – Buy this for the Lash La Rue fan in your life, but mostly for the Ron and June Ormond fan in your life. For people outside of us lovers of Bad Movies I’ll point out that Ron and June Ormond were the famous husband and wife team of low-low-low budget filmmakers.

The Ormonds dabbled in virtually all genres from mainstream movies to exploitation and roadshow flicks. More than a decade ago, Balladeer’s Blog reviewed the infamous Ron Ormond/ Estus Pirkle film If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? (HERE), a full-color Cold War potboiler about a Communist invasion of the U.S. depicted with graphic violence, inane dialogue and hilariously bad acting. 

This earlier effort from their mind-bending body of work found them collaborating with former cowboy star Lash La Rue, with whom they had made several cheap, short and boring westerns. Lash portrays Dr. Williams, a psychiatrist who is treating a newlywed bride for frigidity.

Mom and VickyThough Please Don’t Touch Me sounds like it would be a sexploitation flick, lurid assault film or Nudie Cutie, rest assured there’s nothing in this 67-minute oddity that your grandmother couldn’t handle. Well, maybe your mother, instead of grandma.

The film plays almost like a parody of Public Service Message shorts, educational videos, army training films about v.d., and tabloid psychiatry movies like Tomorrow’s Children, Glen or Glenda & Maniac. Paying customers who went in hoping for something sexy, explicit and tawdry would have learned that the joke was on them.  Continue reading

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MYRA BRECKINRIDGE (1970) – LEGENDARILY BAD

myra breckenridgeMYRA BRECKINRIDGE (1970) – This film is based on the novel by Gore Vidal, who once called director John Waters “the pope of trash.” Well, Gore, Waters never had anything to do with Myra Breckinridge in any of its forms, so you have no room to talk.

This year in which there is no escaping online arguments over Barbie and cinematic depictions of masculinity, femininity, transexuals, garish camp and so much more, it seemed the perfect time for me to review another of the all-time worst movies ever made: Myra Breckinridge

raquel in mbFirst up, a summary of the plot – Myron Breckinridge, played by THE Rex Reed, the famed film critic, is fascinated with Hollywood and is conflicted about his sexuality AND about societal notions of masculinity. Myron believes that the film industry has distorted and perverted masculinity into what would today be called by certain people a “toxic” stew of rabid machismo.

Myron himself, who wants to be a woman, is more into the Hollywood musicals and romances of a bygone era and blames the film industry for providing what he sees as negative role models for young males. Myron has a sex change operation, going in as Rex Reed and coming out as Raquel Welch. No, I’m not kidding.

Myra targets John Wayne and othersNext, as Myra Breckinridge instead of Myron, the character goes to Hollywood to work at the acting school run by her uncle – former cowboy star Buck Loner … played by JOHN FREAKING HUSTON! Myra’s plan is to change the way male thespians behave and how men are portrayed in film so that she can destroy the very concept of traditional macho movie heroes forever.

It says a lot that Gore Vidal originally conceived all this as satire, because here in 2023 there are big names in Hollywood who really do mouth such inane sentiments with 100% seriousness while they lecture the rest of us about “toxic masculinity”, etc. Continue reading

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THE CLONES (1973)

ClonesTHE CLONES (1973) – This neglected sci-fi item from the 70s was directed by Lamar Card & Paul Hunt, based on Hunt’s story. The Clones falls into that category of films that I always refer to as “X-Movies” because of the way they put one in mind of the paranoid and conspiratorial air of the best X-Files episodes.

Michael Greene, who played Secret Service Agent Jimmy Hart in To Live and Die in L.A, stars as Dr Gerald Appleby. Gerald is a scientist who has been cloned and finds himself vying with his clone for ownership of his life, career and girlfriend when the duplicate begins impersonating him.

clones 2Gregory Sierra, best known to trivia buffs as “And Gregory Sierra” for the number of times he was credited like that in various television shows and movies, plays Nemo, a government agent tasked to keep the clone project a secret and bring in the escapee.

Helping him out is fellow agent Sawyer, portrayed by Otis Young (Blood Beach). Sawyer suffers a crisis of conscience during this coverup assignment.  Continue reading

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AMPHIBIAN MAN (1962) BAD MOVIE REVIEW

amphibian manAMPHIBIAN MAN (1962) – This “mad scientist creates a man capable of living underwater” movie was made in the Soviet Union but frequently appeared in dubbed English on American television decades ago.

While not classically bad, Amphibian Man features plenty of those comfortable B-movie elements that prove schlock is fun to laugh at no matter the country of origin.   

ichtyandr and knifeMany online reviewers accuse the makers of The Shape of Water of ripping off this 1962 movie that is based on a 1928 novel. Arguments can be made for that, but it’s important to remember that all sci-fi stories draw from the same general inheritance of tropes.

Amphibian Man itself bears similarities to the 1908 French novel The Man Who Could Live Underwater, in which a mad scientist creates a man-shark which he calls the Ichtaner. Coincidentally enough, in Amphibian Man the man-shark is named Ichtyandr, so this movie is not immune to rip-off accusations of its own. Plus, in both stories, the experimental man-shark is intended as merely the first of many.

This film’s characters:

no helmet onICHTYANDR SALVATOR (Vladimir Korenev) – A young Argentinean man whose scientist father prevented him from dying of a lung disease in childhood by grafting shark gills on to his body. Ichtyandr has been raised and educated in isolation and his father even designed a comical looking underwater suit for our hero to wear, complete with a shark fin. Continue reading

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THE CASSANDRA CROSSING (1976)

cassandra crossingTHE CASSANDRA CROSSING (1976) – The Andromeda Strain meets the later Supertrain in this railroad version of the Airport movies. I’m sure we all know the formula of Disaster Movies, be they about natural disasters striking cities or manmade disasters striking mass transportation like airplanes, ships and trains.   

The Cassandra Crossing was a co-production of Carlo Ponti and Lew Grade. The film had a lot of potential but was ultimately doomed by oddball acting choices, a script full of holes and a train that clearly changes multiple times during the course of the movie. And I mean it even changes from electric to diesel multiple times as the film progresses.

cassandra crossing posterIn general, the storyline involves a genetically engineered plague covertly developed by government functionaries (think of Anthony Fauci and his ilk) despite international agreements not to conduct such research. Terrorists who want to steal the plague for their own use botch a raid on the International Health Organization (a pastiche of the World Health Organization), which results in a shootout and in two of the terrorists being exposed to the plague.

One of the exposed gunmen escapes and seeks shelter on a departing train, spreading the plague – for which there is no known cure – to the other passengers, instigating a crisis. If the infected aren’t contained, this plague could wipe out 60% of the population of Europe and eventually, the world. The government locks down all the people on the train and proceeds to care more about covering up where the disease originated than they do about public safety.  Continue reading

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