Just a note to let readers of Balladeer’s Blog know that my guest article on scandals in collegiate athletics is up now at Taffchat, the premier sports blog of Wales. If you go to read my article I have no doubt you’ll get hooked on their fascinating take on sports, especially “the beautiful game”.
Here is the link: http://taffchat.wordpress.com/2010/12/03/guest-article-the-seamier-side-of-u-s-college-sports-by-ed-wozniak/
Why exactly are any of us supposed to be upset that the Arizona Cardinals quarterback Derek Anderson was seen (gasp) LAUGHING with a teammate on the sidelines during a game in which his team looked pretty lame? The reaction – or I should say overreaction -of sports reporters to this and to the fact that Anderson was noticeably annoyed when some ankle-biting reporter was interrogating him about it as if he Continue reading
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Artist's depiction of a typical Miami Hurricanes football player prior to Randy Shannon's arrival
Like most college football fans I was very surprised when I heard that the dignified and professional Randy Shannon was fired as the Miami Hurricanes head football coach. Shannon was a breath of fresh air in the usual sewer of “The U”‘s football program. Last year’s 9-win season was conveniently forgotten after Coach Shannon finished this regular season with a 7-5 record and he was given the boot by an institution that has proven time and time again that it puts “The Eeewww” in Division 1 football. Shannon will not even get to coach his players in their upcoming bowl game.
I decided to do another of my deep investigative pieces and immediately smoked out some sources who were willing to speak on condition that Continue reading
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LeBron James’ desperate attempt to finally win something by getting Dwyane Wade (Dwyane is how he spells it) to carry him on his shoulders has so far resulted in a lot of well-deserved ridicule and a very unimpressive 9-8 record. Since I have as many NBA Championship rings as LeBron does I figured we could talk as equals on the current events in his career.
Name: LeBron James
Position: Public Laughing Stock
Official Balladeer’s Blog Nickname: The Lord Of No Rings
What should opponents fear the most from you? The fact that they might stumble and fall on the court because they’re so busy laughing at the way I made such an ass of myself with that whole “The Decision” special and the Continue reading
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There’s no mistaking the hostile gleam in the eye of one of the most-wanted creatures from bad 1950’s monster movies, The Giant Claw itself, who terrorized the globe and wreaked havoc on the U.N. Building and several other landmarks before being brought down and sinking beneath the waves of the Atlantic Ocean, supposedly to its death. Alert authorities at Coe have informed me their own school’s mascot may be proof that the Anti-Matter Buzzard From Outer Space may well have survived and hidden under an assumed identity, following some plastic surgery. Coe’s Athletics Director refused to discuss the matter, claiming that they had never heard of Balladeer’s Blog and couldn’t be bothered with one of the roughly 8 million blogs in the world.
Keep checking back for further developments in what may be the biggest story since the O.J. Simpson trial!
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Hey, maybe you woudn’t start this guy at quarterback, but that just proves you don’t have the attitude it takes to win! The National Felon League’s Eagletown Dogfighters threw their former starting quarterback aside following an injury and have decided that they will start Charles Manson instead. Following his release from prison last year Manson has been serving in a backup capacity for the Dogfighters, who traded their former starter, a man who led them to multiple conference championship games, because they were outraged by the fact that he “Never did anything to embarrass our organization! In the NFL that shows a lack of leadership” to quote the team’s owner. The team had planned on starting their “quarterback of the future” Dennis Dobey, but after a poor half in his first game of the year, in which he suffered a concussion, Dobey was out and Manson finished the game, a loss as it turned out. According to the jock-sniffing mainstream sports media, Manson “Electrified the crowd!” In his post-game interview Charlie showed his disdain for Dobey by saying “I think we would have had a better chance to win if I had played the whole game. I am the “I” in team…You don’t see no I in team? You don’t know me! Who are you? There’s no “u” in team, I know that fer darn shore! You judge me? I’m not no judge either. You can drink “tea” so there must be a “tea” in team…” and other such gibberish on and on in that inimitable Manson fashion.
Following his performance the following week in the team’s 1st win of the season, Manson was named the starter despite previous comments from the coaching staff that the starting job still belonged to Dobey. A confidential source in the team’s organization explained the thought process that led to the reversal:
“Frankly, we were all concerned at Dobey’s lack of an arrest record. We need a quarterback our guys can look to for leadership on the field, not someone who’s too timid to even get arrested or sued for his treatment of women. The last thing we want is a divided locker room.”
The blase attitude of the team’s front office was typical of sports “journalists” whose news coverage has basically become “People Magazine For Athletes“, only even less hard-hitting than People. Here’s some samplings:
Kirk and Kirk In The Evening: Kirk One: “While I don’t approve of everything in Manson’s past there’s no denying the way that team really plays to its potential when he’s at the controls. Yes, I understand that being out on probation means he still hasn’t fully served his time but I would get down on my knees and kiss Charlie’s tuches if I thought it would get him to come play for my Jets! What a dynamic play-maker!” Kirk Two: “Boy, I’m tellin’ ya! What a player! He comes to play! He gives his all! If you want to see on your football field and your team a guy who shows up and plays, then this player is the player for you! I wish I had him on my fantasy team!”
Nonny Korntassel: “I love stars, so I love seeing this guy on the field. My heart is in my throat every time I see him scrambling when his O-line caves in! I tremble with glee every time I see him in motion! I know he’s not perfect but it’s time to let him move on and put all that unpleasantness behoind (sic) him. Now let’s talk Dancing With The Stars!…”
Jack Striker: “This guy gives you the best chance to win now! That’s all that matters! I don’t care if a convicted child molester is your quarterback, if he’s got the hot hand then he’s your starter! Nobody’s forcing his victims to watch the game! I’m sick of these whiners still going on and on about what Manson did but I bet most people don’t even remember why he went to jail in the first place! People are just jealous of the money he’s making.”
Yes, in all other walks of life actions like the ones Manson was involved in would have co-workers regarding him with equal parts loathing and distrust for years, but in the NFL they’re considered a boon! Don’t think of them as arrest records, NFL players, think of them as additions to your resume! If Dennis Dobey wants his starting position back, well, there’s plenty of time before the end of the season for him to drive his car into someone, or get arrested on drug or weapons charges or a domestic violence incident or at the very least get a DUI to show that he has the “Can do!” attitude the NFL looks for in its players!
I’ll close with this exchange I had with another team source who wished to remain anonymous:
“Who would you rather have coaching your team? A guy coming off an 8-8 season or Adolf Hitler?”
“Hitler. That whole Jewish thing was unfortunate but boy that guy could energize your locker room!”
Disclaimer: Obviously this is all fictional and not one word of the preceding post is true.
Balladeer’s Blog is not affiliated with or operated by the NAIA or the NCAA or any of their member institutions.
© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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“You shouldn’t have!” I exclaimed to the thousands of Missouri Valley College Vikings fans, coaches and student-athletes who had turned out to greet me. It was a veritable media circus what with all the television stations covering my plane landing and my ride to the MVC campus. Sports-talk radio stations were discussing one subject and one subject only: me.
After Head Football Coach Paul Troth made his welcoming speech it was my turn to speak. I choked back tears of emotion and started out by thanking everyone for bearing with me as I agonized over whether or not I would make a blog post about the preseason activities for MVC Vikings fall sports. After the usual opening blandishments I got more to the point with my comments:
“I know some people could say ‘This guy must be incredibly insecure and have a very fragile ego to want to have it stroked so frequently.’ They could say ‘He long ago robbed moments like this of even the pretext of sincerity by shedding crocodile tears at some of his previous public remarks.’ They could ask ‘How hopelessy misguided are the so-called sports media to actually think people want non-stop coverage of one egomaniac’s Hamletesque posturing’…Yes they could say all of these things and there would certainly be some truth in all of those comments.”
After making a mental note to myself to rent a pickup truck for the next public appearance I made like this (preferably one with no muffler) I got down to actually covering the story I had come to Marshall, MO to cover. 360 Missouri Valley College student-athletes had reported to campus to begin preparing for the upcoming academic and sports seasons. Every single one of them told me they were big fans of my blog, proving to me that they were even less sincere than I was.
Football, volleyball, cheerleading and both the men’s and women’s soccer teams were all on-hand and getting ready to compete. The ladies on the volleyball team start their season August 27th in the Grand View Tournament in Des Moines, IA (Tourism slogan: “Des Moines: C’mon, what’s the worst that could happen?”). The men’s and women’s soccer teams both host their home-openers on August 31st and the football team takes it on the road against the Baker Wildcats on the Saturday of Labor Day weekend, Sept 4th.
The sun was beginning to set, so it was with a renewed sense of urgency that I hit up all the head coaches for a few quotes to justify this whole trip as a business expense on my tax returns. Unfortunately on the return flight I accidentally spilled bourbon all over most of my notes. Luckily a few quotes from Head Volleyball Coach Derick White survived intact. “I am very excited to get the 2010 season started,” he said, “We have some great freshmen and transfers to add to our mix of talented returners. We are hitting the ground running learning our system and we are looking forward to implementing it in our first weekend of play.”
Here I am with some of the MVC Vikings whom I talked into posing as high school students so I could condescendingly make a big deal about tossing them a few footballs.
To find out how much the cleanup following the big welcome I got will cost the taxpayers of Marshall, MO click here: http://www.moval.edu/athletics/
Balladeer’s Blog is not affiliated with or operated by the NAIA or the NCAA or any of their member institutions.
© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Filed under college sports, humor
Balladeer’s Blog is not affiliated with or operated by the NAIA or the NCAA or any of their member institutions.
© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Filed under college sports, humor
"We're tired of waiting for Brett Favre to make up his mind about joining us! We're cleaning up this park NOW!" (Oops! Wrong team of Vikings!)
Everyone remembers the Vikings…plundering, pillaging, picking up litter…wait, picking up litter?
Yes, picking up litter. The Missouri Valley College Vikings football team proved that doing good work in the community is every bit as manly as sacking and burning a village, and with only half the calories. (I don’t even know what that means.) The Vikings football players and their coaching staff volunteered at Continue reading
Filed under college football, humor
Q: What prestigious organization recently honored the University Of Sioux Falls‘ volleyball program with inclusion on its latest list?
1. The National Egg Council
2. The League of Women Voters
3. Balladeer’s Blog with one of those lame Top 20 lists
4. American Volleyball Coaches Association
The correct answer is “4”
Q: On what list did this prestigious organization include USF’s volleyball program?
1. The FBI’s Most Wanted
2. The Ten Commandments
3. AVCA Team Academic Award
4. 12 Dangerous Organizations And How They Threaten World Peace
The Correct answer is “3”
Q: How do you earn your way on to this exclusive list?
1. By doing real well in the swimsuit and evening gown competition
2. Playing by your own set of rules but getting results
3. By whacking Paul Castellano outside Sparks’ Steak House
4. Maintaining a minimum grade point average of 3.30
The correct answer is “4”. John Gotti never played volleyball.
Q: How often has USF made this list?
1. Two years in a row
2. Once every Whitsuntide
3. As often as Lindsay Lohan gets arrested
4. Whenever a new Pope is elected
The correct answer is “1”
Q: USF volleyball starts their 2010 season on Sept 3rd against the Dakota State Trojans in what event?
1. Woodstock 2010
2. Niagara Falls Splash Tournament
3. Lady Ga Ga‘s Christmas At Seaworld Special
4. The Latin Grammies
The correct answer is “2”.
Your score: It doesn’t matter how many answers you got right. Everyone is a winner when USF volleyball takes the floor.
Which of the following is the USF athletics site:
1. Cougarscanplayvolleyball?.com
2. TheATeammovie.com
3. JustinBieberscholarshipfund.org
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