Like most college football fans I was very surprised when I heard that the dignified and professional Randy Shannon was fired as the Miami Hurricanes head football coach. Shannon was a breath of fresh air in the usual sewer of “The U”‘s football program. Last year’s 9-win season was conveniently forgotten after Coach Shannon finished this regular season with a 7-5 record and he was given the boot by an institution that has proven time and time again that it puts “The Eeewww” in Division 1 football. Shannon will not even get to coach his players in their upcoming bowl game.
I decided to do another of my deep investigative pieces and immediately smoked out some sources who were willing to speak on condition that their names not be used because they are purely fictional. My first contact was with a source I’ll refer to as “Prince William” because that is not his real name but it will help this article on the search engines. This source was indignant that I was even asking why Randy Shannon was fired.
“C’mon”, Prince William said, taking a break from planning his upcoming wedding to Kate Middleton, “Da ‘U’ had to put up a good front after the ridiculous brawl during Miami’s game against FIU years ago. That brawl reminded everyone of what a repulsive program we really run here. So, we made a bunch of noise about wanting a coach who would promote character and would make sure our players graduated. The trouble with Randy Shannon when we hired him was, he thought we MEANT it!”
My second source, whom I’ll call Kim Jong Il for reasons mentioned above, confirmed this:
“For Pete’s Sake” he said from the North Korean border with South Korea, “Do you realize that Randy Shannon actually had us graduating players at such a good rate that we were just third in the country? Only the Army and Navy academies were ahead of our institution in the graduation rate for athletes! Plus under Shannon we had players who could speak in complete sentences! And it seemed like those wimps never even tried to get arrested! That’s not what Division 1 sports are about!”
This sentiment was shared by my third source whom I will refer to as TOTALLY NUDE in all caps to REALLY give this item a boost on the search engines.
“We here at ‘Da U’ have always wanted football players who are such animals they’d be in prison if they weren’t playing here. You could say our football program had previously been a public service since we were a solution to the nation’s problem with overcrowded prisons. Then along comes that Randy Shannon character who starts winning games without even paying his players or faking their grades! Do you know what that would do to our reputation if we allowed such behavior to go unchecked?”
Well ,there’s no need to fear. I’m sure Da U will soon be recruiting players with arrest records and who may have been at Statesville Prison, as Leslie Nielsen might have said when he was on Police Squad!
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