Category Archives: Bad and weird movies

MASTERS OF VENUS (1962) – BRITISH CINEMATIC SERIAL

masters of venusMASTERS OF VENUS (1962) – A year before Doctor Who came to British television this 8-part movie serial played theaters as part of the viewing block for Saturday Morning Cinema Clubs.

Our British cousins could drop their kids off at theaters for a few hours of tame entertainment from such “clubs” while they themselves shopped or ran other errands.

The Childrens Film Foundation produced several such serials into the 1970s.

masters of venus posterBecause Balladeer’s Blog reviews items that range from mild and child-friendly to blood-soaked and transgressive, let me make it clear that Masters of Venus, directed by Ernest Morris, is just fine for family viewing.

It’s available on DVD and streaming, so you could get it to enjoy with the kids or grandkids. Some versions keep the story separated into all 8 15-minute episodes, complete with the teaser for the next week’s installment, while others jam the whole thing together. Among the jammed-up versions, some are complete at nearly 2 hours in length and others are trimmed down to 93 minutes or 72 minutes. 

THE STORY – The fictional British space program is preparing an expedition to Venus. The man in charge of the project is Dr. Ballantyne (Norman Wooland), whose children Jim (Robin Stewart) and Pat (Mandy Harper) ride their bikes to visit the rocket base one day.

venusian men in blackThe base comes under attack by mysterious Men in Black (I’m serious) armed with ray guns that shoot knockout beams. Security guard after security guard falls to the Men in Black, who turn out to be Venusians who don’t want Earthlings visiting their planet.

Jim and Pat ultimately hide from the intruders in the project’s rocket the Astarte, where the black-garbed Venusians knock out the two pilots before the vessel winds up launched prematurely. The rocket seems destined to be lost in outer space until the two pilots regain consciousness and reorient the vessel for its original destination of Venus.  Continue reading

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ANDY WARHOL’S FRANKENSTEIN (1973) & ANDY WARHOL’S DRACULA (1974)

frankenstein 3dHalloween Month rolls along here at Balladeer’s Blog with a look at two notoriously bad horror movies which use Andy Warhol’s name despite him not really having anything to do with them and credit Antonio Margheriti as the director even though Paul Morrissey wrote and directed them.

Sophia Loren’s husband Carlo Ponti co-produced both films. 

andy warhols frankensteinANDY WARHOL’S FRANKENSTEIN (1973) – Also known as Flesh for Frankenstein, this 3-D monstrosity and its sister film, Andy Warhol’s Dracula (aka Blood for Dracula) used to be among the most well-known “So Bad They’re Good” movies. Oddly, they fell pretty much off the radar long ago, but get rediscovered every so often and enjoy a brief surge in notoriety from successive generations of horror fans. 

The making of these two grossout movies, which were filmed back-to-back in Italy, would make a better movie than both of them combined in my opinion. Criminal charges, false screen credits and much more behind the scenes lore would help put such a flick up there with Ed Wood and The Disaster Artist.

andy warhol presents frankeThese two movies are also like 1970s time capsules, too. Recently relaxed standards for what could be shown on the big screen yielded a LOT of cheap films that were clearly made just to see how much gory violence and kinky titillation the creative teams could get away with.

Attaching Andy Warhol’s name to this pair of Paul Morrissey flicks helped appeal to pretentious Warhol fans and gave some critics the excuse to read deeper meanings into the sophomoric productions. Suddenly, awkward grossout scenes, idiotic dialogue and non-existent scares were being interpreted as “deconstructions of the Universal monster movies” or as “director/writer Paul Morrissey skewering the very countercultural sex revolutionaries that were among his biggest fans …”

Sheesh! At least purely mercenary splatter film legends like Herschell Gordon Lewis never pretended that their flicks were anything but cash-grabs that piled on the blood and gore.

double featureAndy Warhol’s Frankenstein and Andy Warhol’s Dracula deserve my usual warnings to horror fans who really hate extreme violence and bizarre sex. Don’t go below the “Continue reading” line or you’ll probably regret it. These films are mild compared to Headless or Father’s Day or others I’ve reviewed, but are stomach-turning nonetheless.

So, let’s dive into two of the strangest Dracula and Frankenstein pairings this side of Blacula and Blackenstein. Continue reading

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COFFIN JOE MOVIE POSTERS FOR HALLOWEEN SEASON

coffin joe picAs Halloween Month continues, Balladeer’s Blog presents another seasonal post. Over the years I’ve reviewed plenty of the horror films made by Brazil’s King of Horror since the 1960s – Coffin Joe (Ze do Caixao) aka Jose “Mojica” Marins. I’ve even reviewed his colleague “Ivan the Terrible’s” movie The Secret of the Mummy from 1982.

This blog post will look at some of the more memorable Coffin Joe movie posters over the decades.

at midnight iAT MIDNIGHT I’LL TAKE YOUR SOUL (1963)

“Filmed in glorious black and white” as they used to say, this was not only Brazil’s first ever home-grown horror film, but it also presented the debut of Marins’ iconic character Coffin Joe. I still believe that this master of menace deserves to be as well-known as the likes of Freddy Krueger, Pinhead, or even Coffin Joe’s fellow mortician the Tall Man. Continue reading

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SONNY CHIBA’S FILM “THE STREET FIGHTER” (1974) – NOTHING TO DO WITH THE VIDEO GAME

the street fighterTHE STREET FIGHTER (1974) – Long before the Street Fighter video games there was this ultra-violent cult film from Japan starring the one and only Shinichi “Sonny” Chiba. Long before Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky and Romeo Must Die, this 1970s grindhouse actioner featured an “x-ray vision” scene of the damage being done to a villain’s skull and brain by a powerful blow from the star.

Sonny Chiba had been a television and movie star in Japan for decades by this point, starring in everything from serious action films to kid-friendly ventures like Invasion of the Neptune Men and The Golden Bat. The Street Fighter, titled Clash! Killer Fist in Japan made Chiba an international sensation.

pic of sonny chiba in street fighterThe iconic Chinese superstar Bruce Lee had passed away by this point, and Japan’s Sonny Chiba was hailed as Lee’s true successor in martial arts cinema, albeit with karate, judo and other skills that differed from Lee’s. There is a degree of truth to such claims, but Sonny was a much darker, grittier figure even if he DOES make the same kind of noises that Bruce made.

The Street Fighter is notorious as the first U.S. film to be tagged with an X-Rating based purely on violence. Chiba’s character Takuma “Terry” Tsurugi is a brooding, bitter man of half-Japanese and half-Chinese background, and he grew up as an outcast due to such a mixed heritage. Hell, he was even imprisoned in an Imperial Japanese concentration camp as a child.  

str fighterA lifetime of fighting in the streets of Japan has molded Terry into a legendarily hardened and ruthless man who is now a high-priced mercenary badass for hire. He’s not quite a “hero” since this film doesn’t have any, he’s just the main character like Michael Corleone in the Godfather movies.

The Street Fighter begins with Tsurugi being hired to bust out a Japanese gangster before his scheduled execution. Posing as a Buddhist Priest who’s come to the prison to comfort the condemned criminal before revealing his kickass abilities, Terry accomplishes this mission with backup from his lackey/ live-in servant Ratnose. Continue reading

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SURF NAZIS MUST DIE (1987) – BAD MOVIE REVIEW

surf nazis must dieSURF NAZIS MUST DIE (1987) – The ideal companion piece to the original Point Break! Rest assured, the Surf Nazis are depicted as the scummy villains they are and that they do get their just desserts in this 83-minute bundle from So Bad It’s Good movie Heaven. Though distributed by the venerable Troma Team, Surf Nazis Must Die was actually produced by the Institute. The film was directed by Peter George and written by George with Jon Ayre. 

This post-apocalypse flick is not the typically self-conscious, over-the-top Troma madness that we all love. Its more subdued but still energetically bizarre tone often provokes complaints from hardcore Troma fans who expected something like The Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke ‘Em High or Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD.

surf nazis must die posterSurf Nazis Must Die is refreshingly played mostly straight – but still howlingly bad – and the actors performers don’t spend their time practically winking at the audience over how absurd the whole thing is. That’s a nice change of pace in this age when there are way too many “look how bad and zany we are” low-budget flicks down on their knees begging for cult status.

Obviously, this Institute production is trying to fit into the post-apocalypse sub-genre of Mad Max imitators from the 1980s. SNMD earns its place with its originality. For one thing, rather than a global cataclysm, the movie is set in the aftermath of a very localized apocalypse – the California coastline has been ravaged by a series of monumental earthquakes. Continue reading

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THE LIGHTER SIDE OF JORG BUTTGEREIT: FOUR FILMS

jorg buttgereit picOver the years, Balladeer’s Blog has reviewed several of Jorg Buttgereit’s envelope-pushing, taboo-breaking horror films. Because I review everything from the extreme fringes like Buttgereit (at left) to mild, even family-friendly items let me offer a warning for readers who don’t like extreme violence or extreme concepts. If you fall into that category, please DO NOT look up my long-ago reviews of Jorg’s most notorious films and then blast me because the subject matter appalls you. I am giving fair warning about what they’re like.

On the other hand, all readers might enjoy THIS look at some of Buttgereit’s much lighter – but still bizarre – productions, many from his days of guerilla film-making in West Berlin, covertly pulling off some footage on both sides of the Berlin Wall.

captain berlin retter derCAPTAIN BERLIN: RETTER DER WELT (1982) – Buttgereit was only 18 when he made this 10-minute short film. He wrote, directed and played the title superhero with Bela B. from the German punk band Die Ärzte co-starring as Mister Synth. This work about West Berlin’s only superhero fighting a monster from outer space is of interest only because of Buttgereit’s and Bela’s involvement.

        Jorg’s youth and inexperience show in this fun, anarchic but amateurish effort. Back when this flick was first made, its satirical combination of Adam West’s Batman series with the low-budget charm of Ray Dennis Steckler’s Rat Pfink a Boo Boo and a “piss off” punk sensibility earned it a cult following. Here in 2023, such intentional camp has been done to death.

        captain berlin vs hitlerDecades later, Buttgereit would revive the Captain Berlin character in one of his stage show-radio show hybrids, titled Captain Berlin versus Hitler. That production – which I will review at some point in the future – was eventually filmed and released to theaters and on dvd.  

horror heaven 1984HORROR HEAVEN (1984) – Jorg starred as an old-fashioned Horror Movie Host introducing several horror shorts of his own making in this 24-minute project. Buttgereit structured it as a salute to Boris Karloff but with some gore thrown in.

        This production at last showed the flashes of genius in the future auteur with shorts about mummies, Frankenstein, a cannibal girl and Gazorra, a stop-motion item sending up Godzilla movies and starring Daktari Lorenz. Continue reading

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PLEASE DON’T TOUCH ME (1959, 1963) – BAD MOVIE REVIEW

please dont touch mePLEASE DON’T TOUCH ME (Filmed in 1959, released in 1963) – Buy this for the Lash La Rue fan in your life, but mostly for the Ron and June Ormond fan in your life. For people outside of us lovers of Bad Movies I’ll point out that Ron and June Ormond were the famous husband and wife team of low-low-low budget filmmakers.

The Ormonds dabbled in virtually all genres from mainstream movies to exploitation and roadshow flicks. More than a decade ago, Balladeer’s Blog reviewed the infamous Ron Ormond/ Estus Pirkle film If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? (HERE), a full-color Cold War potboiler about a Communist invasion of the U.S. depicted with graphic violence, inane dialogue and hilariously bad acting. 

This earlier effort from their mind-bending body of work found them collaborating with former cowboy star Lash La Rue, with whom they had made several cheap, short and boring westerns. Lash portrays Dr. Williams, a psychiatrist who is treating a newlywed bride for frigidity.

Mom and VickyThough Please Don’t Touch Me sounds like it would be a sexploitation flick, lurid assault film or Nudie Cutie, rest assured there’s nothing in this 67-minute oddity that your grandmother couldn’t handle. Well, maybe your mother, instead of grandma.

The film plays almost like a parody of Public Service Message shorts, educational videos, army training films about v.d., and tabloid psychiatry movies like Tomorrow’s Children, Glen or Glenda & Maniac. Paying customers who went in hoping for something sexy, explicit and tawdry would have learned that the joke was on them.  Continue reading

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MYRA BRECKINRIDGE (1970) – LEGENDARILY BAD

myra breckenridgeMYRA BRECKINRIDGE (1970) – This film is based on the novel by Gore Vidal, who once called director John Waters “the pope of trash.” Well, Gore, Waters never had anything to do with Myra Breckinridge in any of its forms, so you have no room to talk.

This year in which there is no escaping online arguments over Barbie and cinematic depictions of masculinity, femininity, transexuals, garish camp and so much more, it seemed the perfect time for me to review another of the all-time worst movies ever made: Myra Breckinridge

raquel in mbFirst up, a summary of the plot – Myron Breckinridge, played by THE Rex Reed, the famed film critic, is fascinated with Hollywood and is conflicted about his sexuality AND about societal notions of masculinity. Myron believes that the film industry has distorted and perverted masculinity into what would today be called by certain people a “toxic” stew of rabid machismo.

Myron himself, who wants to be a woman, is more into the Hollywood musicals and romances of a bygone era and blames the film industry for providing what he sees as negative role models for young males. Myron has a sex change operation, going in as Rex Reed and coming out as Raquel Welch. No, I’m not kidding.

Myra targets John Wayne and othersNext, as Myra Breckinridge instead of Myron, the character goes to Hollywood to work at the acting school run by her uncle – former cowboy star Buck Loner … played by JOHN FREAKING HUSTON! Myra’s plan is to change the way male thespians behave and how men are portrayed in film so that she can destroy the very concept of traditional macho movie heroes forever.

It says a lot that Gore Vidal originally conceived all this as satire, because here in 2023 there are big names in Hollywood who really do mouth such inane sentiments with 100% seriousness while they lecture the rest of us about “toxic masculinity”, etc. Continue reading

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THE CLONES (1973)

ClonesTHE CLONES (1973) – This neglected sci-fi item from the 70s was directed by Lamar Card & Paul Hunt, based on Hunt’s story. The Clones falls into that category of films that I always refer to as “X-Movies” because of the way they put one in mind of the paranoid and conspiratorial air of the best X-Files episodes.

Michael Greene, who played Secret Service Agent Jimmy Hart in To Live and Die in L.A, stars as Dr Gerald Appleby. Gerald is a scientist who has been cloned and finds himself vying with his clone for ownership of his life, career and girlfriend when the duplicate begins impersonating him.

clones 2Gregory Sierra, best known to trivia buffs as “And Gregory Sierra” for the number of times he was credited like that in various television shows and movies, plays Nemo, a government agent tasked to keep the clone project a secret and bring in the escapee.

Helping him out is fellow agent Sawyer, portrayed by Otis Young (Blood Beach). Sawyer suffers a crisis of conscience during this coverup assignment.  Continue reading

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STRAIGHT TO HELL (1987) – IT’S QUENTIN TARANTINO MINUS QUENTIN TARANTINO

str to hellSTRAIGHT TO HELL (1987) – For a glib, one sentence review of this movie, how about “Quentin Tarantino minus Quentin Tarantino equals Straight to Hell?” Though this flick came out years before Tarantino’s films it clearly influenced him and to this day it feels like a lost, inferior effort by Quentin. 

After Alex Cox became known as one of THE up-and-coming directors following his films Repo Man and Sid & Nancy he was trying to arrange a punk concert film (or documentary of an entire concert tour, depending on what source you read) in Nicaragua.

Given the violent and unstable situation in the country at that time, few wanted to invest in a concert film being made under such risky conditions. However, investors WERE willing to shell out a million dollars for a movie directed by Cox and starring many of the punk acts who were going to perform in Nicaragua.

straight to hellAlex threw in some of his stable of regulars from his two earlier films, slapped together a script in three days (co-written by Dick Rude) and used a mere few weeks to make this oddball genre-bender in Spain.

The result was a movie that the post-Tarantino world can easily relate to, but which audiences and critics of the time dismissed as a rambling mess. Straight to Hell is certainly too self-indulgent and self-satisfied to qualify as a good film, but it’s far from the one-star or two-star disaster that many IMDb reviewers dismiss it as.

THE STORY – A gang of inept Los Angeles hitmen trying to impress their criminal employer botch their assigned assassination. Fearing reprisals from the powerful crime boss, they rob a bank and flee across the border to Mexico, where they bury their loot and lie low in an incredibly strange town full of sweaty, violent weirdos and a lot of gunplay. Continue reading

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