Tag Archives: humor

STILL MORE BLACK CONDOR CAPTIONING FUN

Awhile back I named the silly Golden Age superhero the Black Condor as the Official Superhero of Balladeer’s Blog because of his joyous weirdness. Here’s another cover from the Continue reading

6 Comments

Filed under humor

BALLADEER’S BLOG’S PRESIDENTIAL ACTION AND HORROR FILMS

Okay, we’ve already had a couple of movies that pit Abraham Lincoln against vampires in one flick and zombies in the other PLUS we’ve had a film involving Franklin Roosevelt in a conflict with werewolves. I’m jumping into this bizarre trend with the following seven synopses for even more movies milking this soon-to-be overdone premise:

George WashingtonGEORGE WASHINGTON BATTLES THE BERSERKERS – During the brutal winter at Valley Forge General George Washington must contend with more than just the elements and the distant British army. The Hessian troops the Redcoats have imported from the German- speaking world have unleashed a master plan to overrun the Continental Army once and for all.

Their ranks boast a dabbler in Nordic magic and he’s concocted a mushroom-heavy formula to transform all the Hessians into furious berserkers like those of the Viking age! George is having none of it of course, and plans to turn the Pennsylvania snow red with the blood of these latter-day berserkers of the ancient Germanic god Woden. All this plus a gay love affair between Washington and Alexander Hamilton just to guarantee lots of free publicity! 

John AdamsJOHN ADAMS: WITCHSLAYER – Remember the tale of young John Adams defending a 1700s Wiccan priestess when he was a lawyer? This movie would proceed from the notion that the young witch went on to involve Adams in a battle royal with an evil coven of dark witches who were giving paganism a bad name!

Using an aresenal of mystic weapons provided by the priestess he defended, John goes on to lay the thirteen witches and warlocks of the dark coven in their graves! Throw in an Continue reading

36 Comments

Filed under Bad and weird movies, Fantastic Movie Reviews

SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTATOR TWIGGY EXAMINES THE SURPLUS OF TEAMS CALLED WILDCATS

Meet Twiggy Denham, aka The Freak, from that quintessential cat lover’s blog Life With 4 Cats at WordPress (written by Twiggy’s mom Sara). Twiggy was pleased with the Guest Commentator spots done by fellow kitty-cats Tibbs, Oolong and Pekoe as well as by that debonair doggy from across the pond, George the Whippet. Since I’m deluged with all the basketball tournaments going on right now in the college divisions I cover Twiggy was kind enough to volunteer to help me out by bringing his freakish sensibilities to bear on the way college sports teams drastically overuse the nickname Wildcats.

Twiggy: What’s new, pussycat? Ha! I kill me! … Hey, am I Continue reading

31 Comments

Filed under humor

INSTANT KARMA’S GONNA GET YOU, LITTLE LEBRON!

An alleged injury plus three losses in a row since The Big Ringless (Or The Lord Of No Rings, take your pick) made with his bitchy little tweet about his former team’s plight. A tweet he then tried to deny with a lame story NOBODY believed since everyone knows a retweet will have an RT in front of it. Is Lebron a genuine sports world villain, or is he just incredibly stupid? Or simply immature? We do have to remember that he was hyped as King James since he was in high school even though he hadn’t done anything to earn such a nickname. Kobe Bryant and Tim Duncan have multiple championship rings and are far more Continue reading

4 Comments

Filed under humor

STARTING SOON FOR AN NFL FRANCHISE NEAR YOU!

Hey, maybe you woudn’t start this guy at quarterback, but that just proves you don’t have the attitude it takes to win! The National Felon League’s Eagletown Dogfighters threw their former starting quarterback aside following an injury and have decided that they will start  Charles Manson instead. Following his release from prison last year Manson has been serving in a backup capacity for the Dogfighters, who traded their former starter, a man who led them to multiple conference championship games, because they were outraged by the fact that he “Never did anything to embarrass our organization! In the NFL that shows a lack of leadership”  to quote the team’s owner. The team had planned on starting their “quarterback of the future” Dennis Dobey, but after a poor half in his first game of the year, in which he suffered a concussion, Dobey was out and Manson finished the game, a loss as it turned out. According to the jock-sniffing mainstream sports media, Manson “Electrified the crowd!”  In his post-game interview Charlie showed his disdain for Dobey by saying “I think we would have had a better chance to win if I had played the whole game. I am the “I” in team…You don’t see no I in team? You don’t know me! Who are you? There’s no “u” in team, I know that fer darn shore! You judge me? I’m not no judge either. You can drink “tea” so there must be a “tea” in team…” and other such gibberish on and on in that inimitable Manson fashion.

Following his performance the following week in the team’s 1st win of the season, Manson was named the starter despite previous comments from the coaching staff that the starting job still belonged to Dobey.  A confidential source in the team’s organization explained the thought process that led to the reversal:

“Frankly, we were all concerned at Dobey’s lack of an arrest record. We need a quarterback our guys can look to for leadership on the field, not someone who’s too timid to even get arrested or sued for his treatment of women. The last thing we want is a divided locker room.”  

The blase attitude of the team’s front office was typical of sports “journalists” whose news coverage has basically become “People Magazine For Athletes“, only even less hard-hitting than People.  Here’s some samplings:

Kirk and Kirk In The Evening: Kirk One: “While I don’t approve of everything in Manson’s past there’s no denying the way that team really plays to its potential when he’s at the controls. Yes, I understand that being out on probation means he still hasn’t fully served his time but I would get down on my knees and kiss Charlie’s tuches if I thought it would get him to come play for my Jets! What a dynamic play-maker!”       Kirk Two: “Boy, I’m tellin’ ya! What a player! He comes to play! He gives his all! If you want to see on your football field and your team a guy who shows up and plays, then this player is the player for you! I wish I had him on my fantasy team!”  

Nonny Korntassel: “I love stars, so I love seeing this guy on the field. My heart is in my throat every time I see him scrambling when his O-line caves in! I tremble with glee every time I see him in motion! I know he’s not perfect but it’s time to let him move on and put all that unpleasantness behoind (sic) him. Now let’s talk Dancing With The Stars!…”  

Jack Striker: “This guy gives you the best chance to win now! That’s all that matters! I don’t care if a convicted child molester is your quarterback, if he’s got the hot hand then he’s your starter! Nobody’s forcing his victims to watch the game! I’m sick of these whiners still going on and on about what Manson did but I bet most people don’t even remember why he went to jail in the first place! People are just jealous of the money he’s making.” 

Yes, in all other walks of life actions like the ones Manson was involved in would have co-workers regarding him with equal parts loathing and distrust for years, but in the NFL they’re considered a boon! Don’t think of them as arrest records, NFL players,  think of them as additions to your resume! If Dennis Dobey wants his starting position back, well, there’s plenty of time before the end of the season for him to drive his car into someone, or get arrested on drug or weapons charges or a domestic violence incident or at the very least get a DUI to show that he has the “Can do!” attitude the NFL looks for in its players!

I’ll close with this exchange I had with another team source who wished to remain anonymous:

“Who would you rather have coaching your team? A guy coming off an 8-8 season or Adolf Hitler?”

“Hitler. That whole Jewish thing was unfortunate but boy that guy could energize your locker room!”  

Disclaimer: Obviously this is all fictional and not one word of the preceding post is true.

Balladeer’s Blog is not affiliated with or operated by the NAIA or the NCAA or any of their member institutions. 

© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

2 Comments

Filed under humor

TODAY’S COOL-NAMED SPORTS TEAM: FRANKLIN AND MARSHALL

FRANKLIN AND MARSHALL DIPLOMATS

 

Location: Lancaster, PA

Division: NCAA Division 3

Conference Affiliation: Centennial Conference

Major sports: football, basketball, baseball, soccer

Site: http://www.godiplomats.com/landing/index

Comment: The Diplomats (“Oh, that word”…Fans of the musical 1776 will get it.) is a pretty cool nickname for sports teams. I guess the only real downside would be people calling them “The Dips” for short. By the way, from now on I’ll be judging U.S. State Department Diplomats by whether or not they “give 110 percent” and if they “came to play”, just like I judge Franklin and Marshall Diplomats.

For more of Division 3’s Coolest-Named Teams click here: https://glitternight.com/d3-20-coolest/  

For the NAIA edition of The 20 Coolest College Sports Teams You May Never Have Heard Of click here: https://glitternight.com/2010/06/21/the-20-coolest-named-college-sports-teams-you-may-have-never-heard-of-naia-edition/ 

And for The 20 Coolest College Sports Logos click here: https://glitternight.com/2010/07/20/the-20-coolest-college-sports-logos/

Balladeer’s Blog is not affiliated with or operated by the NAIA or the NCAA or any member institutions. 
© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

2 Comments

Filed under Cool names and cool logos

FORGET STRASBURG, USAO JUST RECRUITED JACOB CRASE

 

Jacob Crase signs his letter of intent to play for USAO surrounded by his family and USAO coaches at the USAO Fieldhouse in Chickasha.

 

Dateline Chickaska, OK   The sports media was out in full force to cover the baseball world’s latest big event. While many other reporters were covering some little-known slugger named Rodriguez getting his 60th or 70th homerun or something like that those of us with a real nose for news were in Chickasha to get the lowdown on a real sports story. 

“Joltin'” Jacob Crase, an 18 year old pitcher for Moore High School signed his letter of intent this week to play for the University of Science and Arts of Oklahoma Drovers.  In high school Crase pitched an ERA of 3.22. The six-foot five freshman will serve as both a pitcher and first baseman for the Drovers baseball team. I muscled my way to the front of the enormous crowd of reporters and asked why he couldn’t also play pitcher and first baseman for the Drovers basketball team but Crase just said “Next question, please.”

Smelling a cover-up I hammered the young man with another hard-hitting question:

“What made you decide to sign with USAO?”

Crase replied that it was because of the baseball program and the school’s good selection of classes. Sensing that I now had him on the run I pressed my advantage with another probing query:

“What will you be majoring in? And do you really expect America’s  disillusioned baseball fans to believe your answer?”

Jacob anwered the first question by saying he planned to major in business administration. He ignored the second question, leading me to believe I was getting into a very sensitive area. Like the journalistic equivalent of a shark I moved in for the kill with an explosive tidbit my research had provided me with:

“Is there any truth to the rumor that you are the son of Eddie and Diana Crase of Moore?”

Jacob cleared his throat, stared defiantly back at me and gave his answer:

“Yes”, he said. 

Next thing I knew every other reporter there was racing out of the room to phone  their papers about this bombshell I had just dropped in their laps. As for me, I had what we in the business call a money quote (“Yes”) and was content with another job well done. 

To read the full story on this whole “Jacob Crase is Eddie and Diana’s son” expose click here: http://www.usao.edu/usao-sports/

Balladeer’s Blog is not affiliated with or operated by the NAIA or any member institutions. 
© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

4 Comments

Filed under College Baseball

CUMBERLAND BULLDOGS FOOTBALL MAKES HOME GAMES EVEN MORE SPECIAL

The Cumberland University Bulldogs have got special events centered around 5 of their 6 home games this coming season. Director of Athletics Ron Pavan informed me of these activities recently when we were hang-gliding through the Grand Canyon. I suggested he call the events “Pavan-athon 2010” or maybe “Pavanapalooza” but he declined. 

***The first home game is September 11th against the Campbellsville Tigers. CU Athetics and Sherry’s Run are co-sponsors for the event and participants will get half-off admission price at the gate if they wear the 2010 T-shirt. Wearing the 2009 T-shirt gets you in for free! (I’m kidding!) There will also be an Area-Wide Tailgate Party for this home-opener, with a live band and free food from area vendors available beginning at 11AM.

***Homecoming and Hall of Fame weekend are both scheduled for the game against the Lindsey Wilson College Blue Raiders October 2nd. In addition to inducting 6 former Bulldog coaches and players into the Hall Of Fame there will be the CU Alumni Department 5K Dawg Dash as well as a “Live On The Lawn Concert” in front of Memorial Hall. This event replaces last year’s “Ron On The Lawn Concert” which featured Ron Pavan and The Pavanes doing their covers of songs by The Red Elvises. The unfortunate guitar/watermelon/samurai sword incident during the song On My Way To Vegas is the reason behind the change.

***On October 9th Cumberland University and the Middle Tennessee Chapter of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes will team up for FCA Day (they rejected my idea to call it “CU On FCA Day” as being “too childish”). Anyone wearing an FCA T-shirt will get free admission to that day’s game against the Shorter Hawks. (I know, you’re dying for a Taller Hawks joke but you’re not gonna get it!) 

***On October 30th, Cumberland University will host a canned food drive as the team takes on the Union Bulldogs, unless they’re on strike. All kidding aside, though, I once owned a non-union bulldog and it just wasn’t worth the hassle. (I named the dog “Scab” by the way) All CU fans attending the game will get $2.00 off admission if they donate at least one item of canned food.

***Senior Day will be November 6th when the Bulldogs go up against the Belhaven Blazers. There will also be a Chili Cook-Off sponsored by the Student Government Association so the fans can give a fond, if somewhat gassy, farewell to the seniors.

To buy a copy of Ron Pavan’s bestselling book titled You Mean This Guy Thinks He’s Funny? The Story Of Balladeer’s Blog click here: http://www.cumberland.edu/athletics 

As always football helmets courtesy of The Helmet Project at http://www.nationalchamps.net/Helmet_Project/

Balladeer’s Blog is not affiliated with or operated by the NAIA or any member institutions. 
© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

16 Comments

Filed under college football

“DON’T (MESS) WITH ME, FELLAS! IT AIN’T MY FIRST TIME AT THE RODEO!”

 

With the Frontierado holiday coming up this Friday I figured what better time to focus on the neglected topic of college rodeo. Most of the schools that offered this sport have either dropped it completely or at the least lowered it from the level of intercollegiate competition to a club sport. Rogers State University in Oklahoma is one of  the latter. 

To get the inside story on the state of Hillcats rodeo I arranged to speak with Wren Baker, the Director of Athletics at Rogers State. I mosied on over to Claremore, OK, checked in at the Sagebrush Saga Saloon (signing in under the name The Bronson Canyon Kid…bad movie fans will get it) and grabbed a table. As I sat there drinking my Cactus Jack  and brandishing my six-gun I noticed two steely-eyed Okies approaching my table. I holstered my piece and asked the two of them if they knew how to play Frontierado Poker.

The older of the two admitted he didn’t and the younger one grimaced before saying:

“Isn’t that the game made up by some blogger to go along with his personal holiday? The whole thing doesn’t even rise to the pedestrian level of an A.R.G. Don’t be suckered in by on-line Tomfoolery, friend. Just ignore the whole thing and focus on Festivus instead.” 

I thanked the gentleman, who introduced himself as Kid Lohengrin (he named himself after his favorite opera), and was about to offer up a spirited defense of Frontierado when I noticed Wren Baker pushing through the swing doors into the Sagebrush Saga Saloon. He joined me at my table and after exchanging a few pleasantries we got down to business. 

I asked if he wanted me to refer to him as “Wrowdy Wren” in the article but he just rolled his eyes. Taking that as a “yes” I dove into interview mode:

Bronson Canyon Kid: How long had Rogers State had a rodeo program at the intercollegiate level prior to the decision to drop it to club level?

Wren Baker: The team started as a club sport around 2001.  We sponsored rodeo as an intercollegiate sport from 2006-2010.  

BCK: What caused rodeo to be dropped back to club level at Rogers State? Was it just the expense or was it an overall decline in interest?

WB: It was more of a financial decision.  Like many states, Oklahoma’s economy is struggling and our state appropriations have been down.  Our Board of Regents asked us to look at high cost initiatives across campus.  When we looked at rodeo, our per student expenditures were pretty high.  Many rodeo programs have up to 100 students involved with the team.  At RSU we’ve never had more than 20.  I think much of that is because we do not have agriculture degree programs.  The athletic department forwarded our costs on to the President and Board of Regents and the decision was made to compete as a club program.    

BCK: Do you know how many colleges still offer rodeo as an intercollegiate sport?

WB: I don’t know the number.  I would guess that it isn’t incredibly high.  Since neither the NAIA or NCAA sanction rodeo as an official sport, many schools decide not to field a team.  Rodeo is sanctioned by NIRA.  Of the schools who field a rodeo team, I believe well over half are ‘club’ teams.   

BCK: What do you look for when recruiting for a rodeo team?

WB: I think it is very similar to other sports.  We look for a highly motivated individual who works hard at their sport and also in the classroom.  Rodeo participants usually specialize in one or two events so recruiting often will be focused on the events where the school has the greatest need.  

BCK: Do you label rodeo team participants according to a “position” or according to the activity they participate in?

WB: Each participant competes in certain events so to a degree yes.  You may have a goat tyer or barrel racer, team roper or bullrider.  However, many times a participant will enter in more than one event.

BCK: What does a typical practice for a rodeo team consist of?

WB: Our team practices 3 days per week.  They will usually practice each of their events.  Roughstock riders (bullriders and bronc riders) usually have to go practice with other riders at a neutral location.

BCK: Among the Rogers State Hillcats rodeo team’s past accomplishments what are you proudesst of?

WB: I think we are most proud of the students that have earned their degree and the students who have qualified for the national finals.

As nice a response as that is I was hoping he would say it was when the Hillcats were the host school for the Clem McSpadden Memorial College Rodeo at the Claremore Expo in 2009. McSpadden was a grand-nephew of Will Rogers and the name “Clem” has such a cool western air about it I wanted to be sure to include it in this post.   

The interview was now winding down so I sprinkled in a few non-sports questions. Baker stated his greatest non-sports passion was working in his yard or spending time at the lake. He told me his favorite television Western was Bonanza so I asked him to sing the theme song. He declined so I pointed out how odd it was that Ben Cartwright had one son and one son only with three different wives. I told him a perfect tag line for the series would have been “Ben Cartwright: He mates; he kills.”

Wren laughed politely, wished me a Happy Frontierado and glided out of the saloon. I resisted the urge to follow after him shouting “Shaaaaane! Come back, Shaaaaane!”, paid my bar tab and went upstairs to my room.

To see photos of the aftermath of my brawl at the Sagebrush Saga Saloon click here: http://rsuhillcats.com/

Balladeer’s Blog is not affiliated with or operated by the NAIA or any member institutions. 
© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Leave a comment

Filed under college sports

TODAY’S COOL-NAMED SPORTS TEAM – SUNY-CANTON

SUNY-CANTON KANGAROOS

Canton KangaroosLocation: Canton, NY

Conference Affiliation: The Sunrise Conference

Site: http://www.rooathletics.com/

Comment: To cut the sports world’s equivalents of The Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons off at the pass, I’m aware that Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Cool names and cool logos