I’ve gotten e-mails asking that I review this movie but I already did in 2010. It’s been on my Bad Movie page here: https://glitternight.com/bad-movies/
IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU, WHAT WILL HORSES DO? (1971) – Category: A neglected bad movie classic that deserves a Plan 9-sized cult following.
No, it’s not about Quentin Tarantino and pre-Castro Havana nightclubs (Thank you, I’m here all week!) it’s really a Cold War-era warning about what would happen if Communists took over the United States. It’s from Ron Ormond, best known for the bad movie classic Mesa Of Lost Women before he found religion and hooked up with the Reverend Estus W Pirkle for films like this one.
Pirkle serves as the narrator of this quirky little mess, ranting on and on in his over-the-top way about how the USA has turned away from the Bible and will suffer the consequences. He’s like a combination of Criswell in Plan 9 From Outer Space and the sermonizing narrator from Blood Freak (qv).
In one of his enjoyably bizarre tangents before he gets to the Soviet conquest of America he also speaks out on the “evils” of dancing, which he calls ”The front door to adultery! What starts on the dance floor is expected to be finished later.” He even says dancing is “as immoral as it has always been”. Continue reading
MICHEL AUDER’S CLEOPATRA (1970) – It’s weirdness squared in this overlooked flick which Michel Auders directed utilizing assorted Andy Warhol menagerie figures in the cast. Auder himself played Caesar, with modern-day Rome as the seat of his empire. Viva portrayed Cleopatra with her domain of Egypt being set in the modern-day state of New York with snowmobiles as horses. Yes, it’s one of THOSE kinds of films. 
THE SECRET OF THE MUMMY (1982, 1983) – This Brazilian horror film was released as O Segredo da Mumia in 1982 and with English subtitles as The Secret of the Mummy in 1983. It was directed by the one and only Ivan Cardoso aka Ivan the Terrible to fans. 
The Secret of the Mummy is a terrific starting point for Ivan’s movies, whether you’re interested in foreign cinema or looking for a change of pace in a mummy flick. It’s also a good introduction to his eccentric style – frequent changes between black & white footage and color footage, riffs on global cinema and periodic insertions of bizarre sex comedy. 
THE SECRET OF THE LOCH (1934) – So America gave the world King Kong in 1933, eh? Well, the Empire strikes back! Milton Rosmer directed this neglected British film that was co-written by THE Charles Bennett and edited by THE David Lean. The Loch Ness Monster is featured and is found to be responsible for multiple mysterious deaths around the Loch, though only one on-screen instance of the monster devouring a human occurs in the movie. 
Seymour Hicks stars as Professor Heggie and seems to think he’s still performing in Silent Movies, given his hilarious overacting. Heggie believes in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster but seems even less credible than modern-day people who claim to have spotted the beastie.
When our hero’s home hamlet of Jaspen, Arizona becomes a Boom Town after copper is discovered, the place turns into a proverbial web of sin and vale of tears. Michael Culligan (Louis Hayward), the greedy town boss, builds an empire for himself out of crime and greed as the copper rush continues. 
VORTEX (1982) – Written and directed by Beth B and Scott B, this independent sci-fi detective film starred cult figure Lydia Lunch and actor James Russo. This is one of those movies made with so little money – some of it from the National Endowment for the Arts – that it can’t really be held to the same standards as mainstream releases of its time. 
Regular readers of Balladeer’s Blog know that all – or at least most – roads lead to bad movies with me. Since 1976 the movie Track of the Moon Beast has been a cult hit for the Psychotronic-minded and for those people who were lucky enough to catch it at various drive-ins during their heyday. 
Frustratingly, the song was not quite complete and had a few interruptions by dialogue from the film. For decades clearer versions of California Lady were incredibly rare. Mike Wolfer found and has uploaded two versions of the song at his YT Channel (subscribe 
The first was the studio recording of the song (below) and the second was the entire EP from Frank Larrabee. California Lady is at the 10:03 mark and is a much smoother, less worn recording of the song and is MUCH MORE LIKE THE PERFORMANCE IN THE MOVIE. No interruptions in either case, so you can enjoy this cult item the way it was meant to be heard. 
Mickey Spillane’s hard-boiled private “detective” Mike Hammer first appeared in the writer’s debut novel I, The Jury in 1947. Spillane filled the Hammer stories with scandalous – for the time period – violence and sex. Critics frowned on the hundreds of millions in book sales that followed but readers continue to make the many Mike Hammer novels a success to this very day. 
MICKEY SPILLANE’S MIKE HAMMER (1954) – This was a failed pilot for what would have been the first Mike Hammer television series. Brian Keith starred as the title dick (as it were) while Blake Edwards wrote and directed, years before his Peter Gunn series. 
THE MOST TERRIBLE TIME IN MY LIFE (1993 in Japan, 1994 in the U.S.) – Masatoshi Nagase IS Maiku Hama, the Japanese rendering of the name Mike Hammer. This unusual film, directed and co-written by Kaizo Hayashi, is in black & white for all but the final 20 minutes. 
THE BRAIN (1962) – Freddie Francis directed this black & white film, which was the third movie adaptation of Curt Siodmak’s science fiction novel Donovan’s Brain. The characters’ names were changed and the sci fi elements were mixed with detective story elements this time around. 
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