CHROME AND HOT LEATHER (1971) THE Marvin Gaye made his big-screen debut in this relentlessly absurd example of the bad biker films of the 1960s and 1970s.
When a Green Beret’s fiancee (played by THE Cheryl Ladd) is killed he and some of his service buddies pose as bikers to track down the motorcycle gang responsible for her death.
Words cannot describe how enjoyably awful this movie is from start to finish. Continue reading
Filed under Bad and weird movies
THE AFTERMAN (1985) – Balladeer’s Blog’s Weirdness at the End of the World category of movies returns with this bizarre little honey. The Afterman also marks the return of my sub-category “Those Darn Belgians.” Yes, just like Rabid Grannies this flick was created in Belgium.
Written and directed by Rob Van Eyck, The Afterman is in color but features no dialogue outside of periodic screams and groans. You might think that qualifies this roughly 90 minute movie as an Arthouse Film, and many people do. I would instead call it a sleazy and exploitative blend of The People Who Own the Dark, Finis Homini and Quest for Fire.
The story opens up in the year 2011. For twenty years our lead character, called simply the Man, has been living in a high-tech bomb shelter. The shelter was stocked with plenty of aerosol spray-food from “futuristic” 1991, when the nukes fell. Elaborate security cameras and leftover news reels have been almost the only diversions the Man has had for two decades, aside from drawing sketches.
The “almost” leads us to my need to let readers with more conventional tastes know that this is ANOTHER of those weirdass movies that would likely gross you out physically and prove morally repugnant. I’m never sure if these warnings make people avoid reviews like this or drive people TO read them, but here we go – DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU WANT TO AVOID DISTURBING DETAILS. Continue reading
Filed under Bad and weird movies
BIG ZAPPER (1973) – Linda Marlowe stars as Harriet Zapper, a two-fisted private investigator, in this first of two Zapper movies directed by Balladeer’s Blog’s old friend Lindsay Shonteff. If they ever build a Museum of Britsploitation Films, Shonteff will have an entire wing dedicated to him.
In the past I’ve covered Lindsay’s various pale imitations of the James Bond movies – Number One of the Secret Service, The Man From S.E.X., Number One Gun, The 2nd Best Secret Agent in the Whole Wide World and others.
Often forgotten were the man’s pair of films about a virtual “Dirty Harriet” with sexy Linda Marlowe as the lead. I’ve read some reviews that bash Marlowe’s performance as Harriet Zapper but all I can say is those critics must never have seen Lindsay Shonteff’s other film projects. NO actor can come off looking talented under Shonteff’s direction.
Big Zapper finds millionaire Jeremiah Horn (Jack May) hiring Harriet Zapper to find his missing son and daughter. Harriet dives into the investigation and learns that both of the teens were murdered by the criminal organization of a psychotic gangster called Kono (perennial Shonteff villain Gary Hope). Continue reading
Filed under Bad and weird movies
Meet Michelle and Natalie, the two pop culture reviewers whose YT Channel is called Force of Light Entertainment. The ladies offer reviews and commentary on current day big movies and television shows, in contrast with Balladeer’s Blog’s examination of productions from the (often distant) past.
Michelle and Natalie try to stay positive when they can, and avoid the more sarcastic approach that I employ. When they do have to jump into cultural commentary depending on the item being reviewed, they push back against SJW idiocy and censorship. Below is a sample of the two sisters’ approach as they express their displeasure with an episode of The Book of Boba Fett.
To subscribe to the ladies’ channel (where their brother Michael sometimes drops by) click HERE.
Filed under opinion
MR NO LEGS (1978) – Ted Vollrath, a Korean War veteran who lost his legs due to injuries he suffered during the conflict, became a multiple black belt in martial arts disciplines and established Martial Arts for the Handicapable Incorporated in 1971. In addition to appearing in a documentary titled Let Me Live In Your World he starred as a scene-stealing badass in Mr No Legs, which was also released under titles like Killers Die Hard, Pushers Die Hard, Dope Runners Die Hard and the much less descriptive Gun Fighter.
Mr No Legs is nowhere near as outrageous as the Hong Kong kung fu movies Crippled Masters, Crippled Heroes and Crippled Avengers, nor is it as exploitative as those flicks. Vollrath plays Lou, the title character, whose wheelchair is equipped with built-in shotguns in the arm rests and Ninja stars connected to the wheels.
Lou himself is deadly in or out of his chair, as he is highly skilled with knives and handguns, but his most dangerous trait is the way he can use his muscular, toned body to kick the butts of all comers in unarmed combat. Lou’s status as the enforcer and hit man for a Tampa drug lord has earned him big money and a buxom blonde lady who sees to his various needs.
A real-life multiple amputee with a James Bond-gimmicked wheelchair and mastery of karate would be enough to ensure Mr No Legs a spot in Psychotronic movie Valhalla, but the film offers so much more.
Consider the following: Continue reading
Filed under Bad and weird movies
For several years here at Balladeer’s Blog I have been trying to track down, watch and review all of the film versions of Hunterwali (Whip-wielding Woman), Bollywood Cinema’s butt-kicking masked female heroine. Often glibly dismissed as a female Zorro, there is much more cultural context to the Hunterwali figure – contextual significance that goes beyond the particular time period of each film version.
Thus far I have been able to watch the 1935 original, which starred the actress billed as “Fearless Nadia” in India, and the 1988 Hunterwali. I have had no luck tracking down the 1959, 1972, 1977 and 2017 movie versions. Nor have I been able to buy the 1943 film, Hunterwali Ki Beti (Hunterwali’s Daughter), the very first sequel movie in Indian entertainment history.
The basics of the Hunterwali story involve Princess Madhuri adopting a masked, whip-wielding and stunt-riding identity to combat the many injustices inflicted on the kingdom by her father’s evil Vazier Ranamal. That villain even imprisons the king and lusts after Madhuri, little realizing she is really the swashbuckling “protector of the poor and punisher of evildoers” called Hunterwali. Continue reading
Filed under Pulp Heroes, Superheroes
This poster bears absolutely NO resemblance to anything that’s actually in the movie.
DEATH MACHINES (1976) – Balladeer’s Blog’s old friend Ron Marchini is back! Just two years after sharing the screen with the Wizard of Odd Leo Fong in Murder in the Orient, Marchini produced this film in which he, Michael Chong and Joshua Johnson portrayed lobotomized living thralls who kill on command.
Paul Kyriazi directed and co-wrote Death Machines, a movie which has decent production values and always looks as if it’s a professional project, but is hilariously let down by the acting, writing, fight choreography and special effects.
Our story begins with the villainous Madame Lee (Mari Honjo), the Asian field boss of a criminal empire, observing a demonstration of her outfit’s new martial arts assassins in action. Ron Marchini IS White Death Machine, Michael Chong brings to life Asian Death Machine and Joshua Johnson wows as Black Death Machine. That’s exactly how our title trio are listed in the credits, by the way. Continue reading
Filed under Bad and weird movies
KID MONK BARONI (1952) – It’s not Rocky, it’s Spocky! Leonard Nimoy made his film debut in this half-assed, cliche-filled and trope-ridden mess of a movie.
Nimoy plays Paul Baroni aka Kid Monk Baroni, a street-fighting tough guy whose belligerence stems from his mild deformity and the scorn that it brings him.
In lieu of prosthetic ears, Kid Monk Baroni finds Leonard sporting a prosthetic nose for a large part of the film, thus depicting the “ugliness” which drives his hostile urges. Paul Baroni has become a leader of sorts for his pack of juvenile delinquents called the Billy Goat Gang, an inferior imitation of Leo Gorcey and Huntz Hall’s Bowery Boys/ Dead End Kids/ Little Tough Guys and all the other names they used over the years. Continue reading
Filed under Bad and weird movies
FIREPOWER (1979) – Sophia Loren, James Coburn, Tony Franciosa, Billy Barty and O.J. “Alec Baldwin Times Two” Simpson star in this late 70s combination of an espionage tale and a caper flick. Throw in Eli Wallach, Jake LaMotta and Victor Mature and you’ve got what may sound like the cast of a disaster movie but actually Firepower is a very good film from Lew Grade.
Sophia Loren, looking fantastic but a bit too thin, stars as Adele Tasca, widow of Dr Ivo Tasca, who was killed by the underlings of international tycoon and fugitive Karl Stegner. In a nod to the times, Stegner is a composite of the likes of Robert Vesco with sprinklings of Aristotle Onassis, Howard Hughes and Stavros Niarchos. For a modern version of a bloated rich pig figure wanted in certain countries and reviled around the world think of George Soros.
At any rate, Adele’s husband was bumped off because he was about to deliver evidence and testimony against the reclusive Karl Stegner tying him to untold numbers of deaths from tainted pharmaceuticals. Continue reading
Filed under opinion
This review is dedicated to my beloved nephew Donny, who first introduced me to this movie years ago.
BLOODHOUNDS OF BROADWAY (1989) – Randy Quaid and Madonna as a romantic couple? Rutger Hauer as a pastiche of crime lord Arnold Rothstein? THE William S. Burroughs as a butler? Ethan “Neelix” Phillips as a wannabe gangster?
Yes, all that and more in this all but forgotten 1989 flop which deserved to be much better than it is and with work it could have become a New Year’s Eve viewing staple.
Four Damon Runyon stories were blended into a 93 minute movie that was released to just one theater … missing a reel. PBS Playhouse gave this romantic comedy its widest exposure before it fell down the memory hole. As of this writing it has only 8 reviews at IMDb.
Significantly, the film is set on December 31st of 1928, which was the last big New Year’s Eve bacchanalia of the Roaring Twenties but nobody knew it at the time. Before another year went by the Stock Market Crash would help usher in the Great Depression, making that 1928 New Year’s Eve blowout a figurative Mardi Gras before the austerity of Lent. The December 31st, 1929 celebrations were considerably subdued by comparison.
If you’re a Guys & Dolls fan, Mindy’s Restaurant is one of the settings for Bloodhounds of Broadway, just like in that much better known work based on Damon Runyon stories. At any rate, the four tales combined to form this rom-com are: Continue reading
Filed under Bad and weird movies, opinion
Balladeer's Blog 