AMERICAN PRESIDENTS: EISENHOWER TO TRUMP

It’s Presidents Day Weekend! Here are some of Balladeer’s Blog’s takes on the more recent presidents.  

DWIGHT EISENHOWER

Character Type: Well-meaning but befuddled sitcom grandfather.

Military Service: World War One and World War Two

Motto: “FOOORE!” (Remember,  the traditional cry as you’re teeing off in golf? Oh, never mind!)

Nickname: Uncle Milty

Pro: Knew enough to distrust Richard Nixon long before it became the national pasttime. 

Con: Was the first president to pronounce nuclear as “nucular”.

JOHN F KENNEDY

Character Type: Rich playboy who disdained both Liberals and Conservatives and played by his own rules.

Military Service: World War Two

Motto: “Thank God for television!”

Nickname: FDR  

Pro: The man was shrewd enough to distrust both liberals and conservatives equally. I can’t praise that attitude highly enough given our present circumstances. 

Con:  I can’t find out what happened to this guy. Anybody hear anything? 

LYNDON JOHNSON

Character Type: Sleazy J.R. Ewing wielding political power.

Military Service: Tiny, early sliver of World War Two before Franklin Roosevelt summoned him back to his Congressional seat.

Motto: “Hey, hey, LBJ, how many lies did you tell today?”

Nickname: Lucky Lindy/  The Eagle of the USA  (interchangeable)  

Pro: His handling of domestic issues has been sadly underappreciated. 

Con: Once claimed that “Vietnam is like the Alamo” even though Vietnam was crawling with more people from Texas than the Alamo ever was. (Thank you! I’m here all week!) 

RICHARD NIXON

Character Type: Sinister stalker on a police drama.

Military Service: World War Two

Motto: “You b******s stop that f*****g s**t about my c***-sucking administration and those m***********g b*****t lies about those c***s at the f*****g Watergate Building!”

Nickname: The Unindicted Co-Conspirator In Chief

Pro: Helped prolong comedian Rich Little’s career by a full decade at least. 

Con: Was so emotionally unstable and insecure that he might have become a crazed loner/ serial killer type if he hadn’t gone into politics. 

GERALD FORD

Character Type: Mister Bean if he was from from Michigan.

Military Service: World War Two 

Motto: “Huh?”

Nickname: The Black Moses of Soul

Pro: Provided much- needed comic relief to the country following the Nixon scandals. 

Con: Lost to the ridiculous Jimmy Carter … JIMMY CARTER! 

JIMMY CARTER

Character Type: Goober from The Andy Griffith Show and Hee Haw goes to the White House.

Military Service: U.S. Navy during Korean War period but was never sent to a War Zone.

Motto: “What Grant and Harding were to corruption Jimmy Carter was to incompetence.”

Nickname: The Global Village Idiot or The Once and Future National Embarrassment, take your pick. Sure, they’re kind of unwieldy but they capture Jimmy perfectly!

Pro: His every action went so hilariously wrong his term played like one long “Don’t let this happen to you” lesson for future presidents. 

Con: Never met a dictator whose butt he didn’t immediately kiss, while implying other countries could learn a lot from said dictators.

RONALD REAGAN

Character Type: Chef Boy-Ardee. 

Military Service: None, but seemed to think his movies counted.

Motto: “A clueless figurehead who incessantly spouted mindless right- wing dogma.”

Nickname: The Boil On History’s Buttocks

Pro: Once starred in films with Errol Flynn. 

Con: Was the very embodiment of the “Greed is good” 1980s. 

GEORGE H.W. BUSH

Character Type: Persnickety bitch.

Military Service: World War Two

Motto: “If not for Ronald Reagan I’d never have been elected!”

Nickname: Ike

Pro: Unlike his predecessor, he actually knew what decade it was.

Con: His every word and deed was more annoying than fingernails on a chalkboard.

BILL CLINTON

Character Type: Sleazy southern sheriff.

Military Service: Raped and pillaged, but never as part of any official military unit.

Motto: “Don’t resign like that pussy Nixon did! Make ’em DRAG you out if they can!”

Nickname: Old Trailer Park Trash

Pro: Actually displayed some fundamental administrative competence. 

Con: Used the office of the presidency as a get-rich- quick scheme.  

GEORGE W. BUSH

Character Type: Pampered rich boy whose family’s money shields him from adverse consequences no matter how much damage he causes.

Military Service: National Guard (wink) 

Motto: ” Criticism of my speaking abilities is like ducks off my back … or water we’ve all passed under the bridge, or something.”

Nickname: The Sage of Walden Pond

Pro: When I think of one I’ll get back to you. 

Con: Completely squandered the general good will that many nations were willing to extend to the United States after the 9-11 attacks.  

**** BARACK OBAMA IS OFFICIALLY THE WORST U.S. PRESIDENT IN HISTORY ****  

BARACK OBAMA

Character Type: Spoiled only child whose parents overpraised him and shielded him from criticism, resulting in him falling to pieces and blaming others every time he realizes he’s inadequate.

Military Service: You have got to be kidding.

Motto: “A clueless figurehead who incessantly spouted mindless left- wing dogma!”

Nickname: A tie between “The Condescender-In- Chief” and “The Tabula Rasa On Which The Sixties Generation Writes Their Presidential Fantasies”

Pro: He and his hopelessly embittered wife made as many stupid remarks as George W Bush ever did and they’re all immortalized on Youtube! 

Con: Simple- mindedly insisted on viewing the 21st century strictly in terms of the issues and conflicts of the 1960s because he had no ideas of his own.

DONALD TRUMP

Character Type: Non-politician, so not as scuzzy as other recent presidents. Think Richard Channing from Falcon Crest -ruthless but not entirely malevolent.

Military Service: His single-handed battle with America’s notoriously corrupt political system just might count.

Motto: “The clueless Republicans weren’t using their political party apparatus for anything useful so I decided to borrow it for awhile.”

Nickname: Agent Orange/ Prince Donald of Orange (Tie)

Pro: Is not Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton. Also, he kept Jeb Bush out of the Oval Office. And he’s done more for the working class and poor of all colors than any other president since FDR.  

Con: Because he is so hated by the movers and shakers of America’s virtual Third World cesspool of politics and money we have to sit through minute-by-minute media blitzes about every single thing the man says and does.

Well, there you go! Now liberal zombies can accuse me of being a conservative and conservative zombies can accuse me of being a liberal! What a strange thing the American political scene has become thanks to uncompromising partisan zealots. Anyway, enjoy this holiday dedicated to a long line of people who abused the public trust while feathering their own nests and lecturing their constituents about living up to a moral and ethical code they themselves constantly violated.

FOR PART ONE – WASHINGTON TO CLEVELAND, ROUND ONE, CLICK HERE:  https://glitternight.com/2012/02/19/balladeers-blogs-presidential-pros-and-cons/

FOR ALL 44 CLICK HERE:  https://glitternight.com/2013/02/14/presidential-pros-and-cons-from-balladeers-blog-washington-to-cleveland/

AND FOR MORE OF MY TAKES ON MINDLESS LIBERALS AND MINDLESS CONSERVATIVES CLICK HERE:  https://glitternight.com/category/liberals-and-conservatives/

© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2012-2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.