MOCK HEADLINES: APRIL 2nd

REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS OUTRAGED TO LEARN GOVERNMENTS SPEND MONEY: CALL TRUMP A COMMUNIST 

DEMOCRATS PROPOSE TURNING ENTIRE GOVERNMENT OVER TO FIFTEEN AND SIXTEEN YEAR OLD CHILDREN, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO AGREE WITH ALL OF THEIR IMMATURE IDEAS

FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP, WIFE OF UNITED STATES PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP, STILL SPEAKS MORE LANGUAGES THAN BOTH OBAMAS COMBINED

PEOPLE WHO HATE THE WORKING CLASS AND THE POOR STILL OUTRAGED BY REMINDERS THAT FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP SPEAKS MORE LANGUAGES THAN BOTH OBAMAS COMBINED

DEMOCRATS PROPOSE LOWERING VOTING AGE TO THIRTEEN, BUT ONLY FOR CHILDREN “MATURE” ENOUGH TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

REPUBLICAN PAUL RYAN OFFERS MILLIONS TO ANY PORN STARLET WHO COMES FORWARD AND SAYS SHE HAD SEX WITH HIM

PAUL RYAN MODIFIES OFFER: HE’LL PAY MILLIONS TO ANY WOMAN PERIOD WHO COMES FORWARD AND SAYS SHE HAD SEX WITH HIM 

DEMOCRATS CALL ON NATION TO REJECT DIVISIVENESS BY MAKING IT ILLEGAL TO BE ANYTHING BUT A REGISTERED DEMOCRAT

DEMOCRATS ALLY THEMSELVES WITH CORPORATE FASCISTS TO TRY TO ENFORCE UNIFORMITY OF THOUGHT IN EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE

DEMOCRATS PROCLAIM THEMSELVES TO BE THE SOLE JUDGES OF WHAT IS RIGHT AND WRONG; INSIST ONLY HATERS WOULD DISAGREE WITH THEM

DEMOCRATS INFORM TESLA THAT WITH THE RIGHT CONTRIBUTIONS TO THEIR CANDIDATES THEY CAN MAKE THIS FATAL ACCIDENT’S FALLOUT GO AWAY

GOVERNOR BROWN VOWS TO PARDON AS MANY ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT MURDERERS AND RAPISTS AS HE FEELS LIKE, JUST TO AVOID TURNING THEM OVER TO IMMIGRATION AUTHORITIES

DEMOCRATS TOUT NEW SCIENTIFIC STUDY WHICH SAYS PEOPLE WHO DON’T SUPPORT THEIR POLICIES DESERVE TO DIE #LOVEWINS