Monthly Archives: July 2014

AGENTS OF I.S.L.A.M. – EPISODE THREE

Sajjad Ahmed and his wife Muafia were slain by intolerant Muslims

Sajjad Ahmed and his wife Muafia were slain by intolerant Muslims

The hot cable series Agents of I.S.L.A.M. (Intolerant Savages Loathing All Modernity) continues to reign supreme in the ratings! There is word now of a potential movie deal AND merchandise from the show is selling like crazy! Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead have real competition from this series about violent religious fanatics who practice a faith that is never specified on the show. Episcopalians, maybe?

The Agents of I.S.L.A.M. are forever blowing up and beheading everyone who disagrees with their homophobic, misogynistic and otherwise intolerant beliefs. In the very first episode they even mutilated the genitals of an entire village of unwilling young women, an act that was strangely applauded by the cowardly hypocrites at Brandeis University. Last night’s episode saw the blood-soaked fanatics of the title commit a series of “honor killings”. Continue reading

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Filed under Fantastic Movie Reviews, LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES

GUNFIGHTERS: TWO MORE MALE AND FEMALE GUNSLINGERS FOR FRONTIERADO

Balladeer’s Blog presents another look at the legendary tales of two more underappreciated Wild West gunslingers since the Frontierado holiday is fast approaching! Friday August 1st will mark the event, the yearly celebration of the myth of the old west, not the grinding reality. And tonight the American Heroes Channel debuts their series Gunslingers to tie in with the Frontierado holiday!  

Eleanore Dumont1. MADAME DUMONT – Decades before Poker Alice and Lottie Deno Eleanore “Madame” Dumont made a name for herself as a blackjack-dealing gambler and gunslinger. Much of the Madame’s early life is unknown but she supposedly was born in France around 1830. In 1854, when the record of her activities becomes more concrete, she arrived in Nevada City, CA as the Gold Rush was still at its peak.

The charming and aristocratic Madame Dumont had already acquired a small fortune in gambling winnings after playing cards and slinging lead in mining camps throughout northern California. Eleanore’s cash and her nascent reputation for being able to maintain order with her own guns if necessary made it easy for her to immediately open her casino named Vingt- et-Un (“21”) right on legendary Broad Street itself. Continue reading

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JAMES GARNER: R.I.P.

James Garner 2The one and only James Garner (1928-2014) passed away yesterday. Best remembered for his portrayal of slick-talking gambler Brett Maverick and Westlake-esque private detective Jim Rockford, Garner inspired the term “marshmallow macho”. That description perfectly captured Garner’s special place in the history of male role models (as much as I usually hate the expression “role models”) in the larger culture.

James GarnerFor so many American males James Garner and the characters he brought to life represented a happy medium between psychotically macho Clint Eastwood types and the hopelessly femmey Alan Alda types. Garner’s film roles are often overlooked but Balladeer’s Blog will make a point of examining them in the months ahead. In addition Garner served in the Korean War and won two Purple Hearts.

This man was a true original and with his passing he may finally receive all of the acclaim that he always deserved.  

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PULP HERO G-8 AND HIS BATTLE ACES – STORIES SIXTEEN THROUGH EIGHTEEN

Death MonstersBalladeer’s Blog resumes its examination of the neglected Pulp Hero G-8. This continues a story-by- story look at the adventures of this World War One American fighter pilot who – along with his two wingmen the Battle Aces – took on various supernatural and super- scientific menaces thrown at the Allied Powers by the Central Powers of Germany, Austria- Hungary and the Ottoman Muslim Turks.

G-8 was created by Robert J Hogan in 1933 when World War One was still being called simply the World War or the Great War. Over the next eleven years Hogan wrote 110 stories featuring the adventures of G-8, the street-smart pug Nippy Weston and the brawny giant Bull Martin. The regular cast was rounded out by our hero’s archenemy Doktor Krueger, by Battle, G-8’s British manservant and by our hero’s girlfriend R-1: an American nurse/ spy whose real name, like G-8’s was never revealed. G-8’s war-time pulp adventures were a clear influence on the Timely Comics (later Marvel Comics) character Captain America.

X-Ray Eye16. THE X-RAY EYE (January 1935) – Add another mad scientist to the pile of G-8’s Rogue’s Gallery of villains! This story features our hero and his faithful sidekicks going up against Dr Gurnig, another Teutonic terror of the technical sciences. Dr Gurnig has created a HUGE remote- controlled flying head-like object with a single eye that shoots highly concentrated X-Rays. Those X-Rays pass through a specially designed prism that amps up their power like lasers do with light, so maybe the concentrated X-Rays could be jokingly called “xasers”. Continue reading

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THE FOUR BEST WESTERNS BASED ON REAL-LIFE GUNSLINGERS: FRONTIERADO IS COMING SOON!

butch cassidy and the sundance kid 2We all know that in real life the celebrated “heroes” of the old west were a pack of corrupt and/or outrightly criminal thugs who would have had a pretty redneckish worldview. And let’s face it, by our standards their personal hygiene habits would have been pretty disgusting.

But since the Frontierado holiday is all about celebrating the myth of the West and not the grinding reality of it here’s my list of the Top Four Westerns Based On Real-Life Figures. Coming up with lists like this is one of the perks of being the international commissioner of Frontierado (along with the seven-figure income and a staff of three hundred people).

butch cassidy and the sundance kid1. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (1969) – Redford and Newman set the standard for the “buddy western” with this magnificent movie. Newman once described this flick by saying “It’s a Continue reading

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GORGEOUS CASEY JAMES AND ANOTHER OF BALLADEER’S BLOG’S OBSCURE SPAGHETTI WESTERNS

Casey James, the Official Movie Hostess of Balladeer's Blog

Casey James, the Official Movie Hostess of Balladeer’s Blog

THE FRONTIERADO HOLIDAY IS FRIDAY AUGUST FIRST! We’ve all got our painted rocks on various bits of furniture around the house, we’ve all got our potted cacti with the toy gun-belts slung over them and for those old enough to drink there are Cactus Jacks and Deuces Wilds to be slammed down. In some homes families and friends will be gathering around to watch the official Frontierado Western, Silverado.

In the buildup to this major holiday I periodically reviewed my favorite weird westerns so to give us all a few more chuckles here’s one more, presented by the legendary Casey James, Balladeer’s Blog’s Official Movie Hostess.

JESSE JAMES’ KID (1966) – In my review of The Price of Power earlier this Frontierado season I mentioned how fond I am of those Spaghetti Westerns that distort the facts of the American west more outrageously than even our own home- grown westerns do. Jesse James’ Kid makes The Price of Power look like the writings of Herodotus.

In this deranged western which used to populate the 3am to 5am movie slot on television stations across the country we get the old-school bad movie fun of dubbing that never comes close to matching the movements of the performers’ lips. And that’s just the start. This film tells us that Billy the Kid was Jesse James’ son … yes, Jesse James’ son. And not only that but young Billy witnesses his “father’s” fatal shooting, which in this movie is not done by Robert Ford, but by Bat Freaking Masterson!!! Continue reading

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Filed under FRONTIERADO, Sex Symbols, Spaghetti Westerns

FRONTIER MARSHAL (1939) ON THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT

A movie guaranteed to contain absolutely NO accurate information.

A movie guaranteed to contain absolutely NO accurate information.

BEFORE MST3K THERE WAS … THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT!

Welcome to a special Frontierado Edition of Balladeer’s Blog’s look at this neglected cult show from the 1980’s. The Texas 27 Film Vault featured Randy Clower and Richard Malmos as members of the fictional Film Vault Corps ( “The few, the proud, the sarcastic” ) showing and mocking bad and campy films preceded by episodes of old Republic Serials.

ORIGINAL BROADCAST DATE: Saturday, October 25th, 1986 from 10:30pm to 1:00 am.

Mysterious Doctor SatanOPENING SERIAL: Before presenting and mocking Frontier Marshal our machine-gun wielding Film Vault Technicians First Class presented and mocked an episode of Mysterious Doctor Satan, a Republic serial from 1940. The serial featured a mad scientist called Dr Satan trying to take over the world with a VERY goofy- looking robot while a pulp-style hero called the Copperhead tried to thwart his plans 

THE MOVIE: Frontier Marshal, directed by Allan Dwan, has a well-deserved reputation as the worst and weirdest cinematic depiction of the events leading up to the Gunfight at the OK Corral. Randolph Scott turns in Continue reading

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Filed under Bad and weird movies, Movie Hosts

GUNSLINGER COMMODORE PERRY OWENS

commodore perry owensTHIS SUNDAY THE AMERICAN HEROES CHANNEL, IN CONJUNCTION WITH BALLADEER’S BLOG’S UPCOMING FRONTIERADO HOLIDAY, WILL DEBUT THEIR NEW SERIES TITLED GUNSLINGERS. THE SERIES WILL COVER GUNMEN OF THE OLD WEST AND WILL DEAL WITH THE BIG NAMES. AS USUAL I WILL EXAMINE SOME OF THE LESSER-KNOWN BUT JUST AS EXCITING GUNSLINGERS RIGHT HERE! FRONTIERADO IS FRIDAY AUGUST 1st! ***

COMMODORE PERRY OWENS – Named after the naval hero of the War of 1812, Owens was one of the few gunfighters of the west to put in time as an actual cowboy and made a name for himself as a gunman driving off rustlers on cattle drives. Legend has it that plenty of would-be rustlers wound up meeting their end in gunfights with Commodore Perry Owens. 

Drifting into the Arizona Territory in the 1880’s Owens took a job at a stagecoach station as a rifleman charged with driving off the periodic attacks by Native Americans. Earning a reputation as a dead shot, Owens was soon being called “The Commodore” for obvious reasons and his reputation started to grow. Passengers knew they were safe (at least for the moment) when their stagecoach was approaching the station under the protection of Owens’ steady hand and eagle eyes. Continue reading

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THE MOST REPULSIVE LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES OF THE 21st CENTURY

Welcome back to Balladeer’s Blog, as always coming to you from an America being needlessly torn in two by those walking caricatures called Liberals and Conservatives. Presented for your reading pleasure is a look at the most thoroughly repulsive American Liberals and American Conservatives so far in this still- young century.

The prancing buffoon named Barack Obama.

The prancing buffoon named Barack Obama.

1. MOST REPULSIVE LIBERAL – BARACK OBAMA – Could there be any doubt? This utter failure of a president violates the Constitution and persists in the cheap and worn-out game of blaming his predecessor for everything bad but trying to take credit for anything good. And if you doubt the part about violating the Constitution just ask the Supreme Court, which TWENTY TIMES has UNANIMOUSLY ruled that Obama did so and invalidated his actions. Little Barry has earned a name as “the piece of dogshit stubbornly clinging to the bottom of history’s shoes” with his weak, inept and crooked performance as president.

In the future I’m sure America will have African American presidents who really are brilliant and capable and all of the things Obama is NOT. For right now this global embarrassment has caused so much damage that even his callous, unthinking and unfeeling worshippers are having a tougher and tougher time trying to make excuses for him. A creepy and fascistic cult of personality is Little Barry’s only strength while his tiresome way of racially profiling all white people shows what kind of a hatemonger he is.  Continue reading

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COLLEGE GOLF CHAMPIONS FOR 2014 – MEN

And here we have a final round of congratulations for this year’s college golf champions in the divisions covered here at Balladeer’s Blog.

Coastal Georgia MarinersNAIA (National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics)

National Champions – COLLEGE OF COASTAL GEORGIA MARINERS

Runners-Up – OKLAHOMA CITY UNIVERSITY STARS

2013 Champions – OKLAHOMA CITY UNIVERSITY STARS

Lee FlamesNCCAA (National Christian College Athletic Association)

National Champions – LEE UNIVERSITY FLAMES (2013-2014 Academic Year)

Runners-Up – DALLAS BAPTIST UNIVERSITY PATRIOTS

2012 – 2013 Champions – OKLAHOMA CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY EAGLES Continue reading

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