TWENTY LOSING PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

Balladeer’s Blog will be featuring plenty of Top 20 lists in honor of the year 2020. Here’s one featuring 10 Democrats and 10 Republicans yet you know partisans will accuse me of favoring one or the other party in this list. What can ya do? Anyway, in no particular order:

JAMES M COX (Lost to Harding)

Gang Affiliation: Democrat 

Motto: “But Harding said ‘NORMALCY’ for God’s sake!”

Nickname: The Man Who Ran With Franklin Roosevelt As His Vice Presidential Candidate. 

Pro: Was so manly even his last name was phallic. 

Con: Founded Cox Communications, vowing that someday his company’s unsympathetic and unprofessional Cable Company employees would make the country pay for not electing him.

WENDELL WILKIE (Lost to FDR in 1940)

Gang Affiliation: Republican

Motto: “No man is good three times.” For once I’m using the REAL motto that the person ran under for president. Wilkie’s campaign was referring to the way FDR was running for President for the third time in a row, hence the “three times.” Given the cultural taboos of the time it was apparently NOT intended as a dirty double-entendre but these days we can’t think of it any other way.

Nickname: The Guy Who Wasn’t Good Once, Let Alone Three Times

Pro: Was open-minded enough to plan with FDR the possible formation of a third major Political Party once World War Two was over.

Con: Died even before Roosevelt did, tragically depriving America of that Third Party that might have forever changed history with two such prominent men pushing it. 

HERBERT HOOVER (Lost to FDR in 1932)

Gang Affiliation: Republican

Motto: “I see Barack Obama did a worse job on the economy than I did!”

Nickname: That Guy They Sing About In Annie 

Pro: Was such a schlub it helped FDR get elected.

Con: Once tried to blame sunspots for the Great Depression, claiming that sunspots had caused the Dust Bowl and from there a Domino Effect was unleashed.

ADLAI STEVENSON (Lost to Eisenhower 2 times in a row)

Gang Affiliation: Democrat 

Motto: “I’m related to M*A*S*H‘s McLean Stevenson! Now drop those panties!”

Nickname: McLean’s Cousin  

Pro: Actually tried to shoot down McLean Stevenson’s plane over the Sea of Japan.

Con: Was harder hit than the rest of the country when Hello, Larry got canceled.

RICHARD NIXON (Lost to John F Kennedy)

Gang Affiliation: Republican

Motto: “If it wasn’t for television I’d have seemed just as sexy and charismatic as Kennedy!”

Nickname: Old Sock It To Me

Pro: After losing the 1960 Presidential race to JFK and the 1962 California gubernatorial race to Pat Brown (Jerry’s father!!!) he retired from public life with an air of quiet dignity and was never heard from again. I’m KIDDING!

Con: Thanks to him every damn political conspiracy for the rest of eternity will have the word “-gate” appended to it.

BARRY GOLDWATER (Lost to Lyndon Johnson)

Gang Affiliation: Republican

Motto: “Blurting out every single thing that pops into your head like you’re on some kind of drug-fueled stream-of-consciousness binge is no vice!”

Nickname: Mountain Dew’s Patron Saint (How’s THAT for an old “Au H2O” reference?)

Pro: Played the ultimate Straight Man with his campaign’s slogan “In your heart you know he’s right” which was mocked with jokes like “In your guts you know he’s nuts.”

Con: Proved to be such an inept national candidate that he did everything but read aloud from a list of names of those voters who would personally be negatively impacted by his policies. 

HUBERT HUMPHREY (Lost to Richard Nixon)

Gang Affiliation: Democrat

Motto: “If I hear one more ‘Pleased as Punch’ reference I start tossing out bodies.”

Nickname: Happy, Horny, Healthy Hubert Horatio Humphrey

Pro: The clueless 1960s generation of Democrats proved early on how foolish they were by harassing Humphrey mercilessly, thus helping their bete noir Richard Nixon get elected.  

Con: Was happy to kiss LBJ’s ass in Macy’s window at high noon and tell him it smelled like roses. (His ass, not Macy’s window.)

GEORGE MCGOVERN (Lost to Richard Nixon)

Gang Affiliation: Democrat 

Motto: “I’m one thousand percent convinced I’ll win the election!”

Nickname: McStupid

Pro: Has won me a LOT of money on bets with people that they can’t remember who Nixon beat in ’72 without looking it up on-line. 

Con: Ask Senator Eagleton. 

GERALD FORD (Lost to Jimmy Carter)

Gang Affiliation: Republican

Motto: “Hey, I got to be President without even RUNNING for the office! Chew on THAT, Hillary!!” 

Nickname: Leslie 

Pro: Never quite seemed to grasp that he was President, therefore limiting the damage he inflicted.

Con: W.I.N. buttons … I rest my case.

JIMMY CARTER (Lost to Ronald Reagan)

Gang Affiliation: Democrat 

Motto: “The Middle East will NEVER recover from the damage I’ve done!” 

Nickname: The Clown Prince Of The Presidency!

Pro: Made good on his vow to “Whip Ted Kennedy’s ass” in the Primaries but then got publicly intimidated by a little bunny rabbit on a camping trip. 

Con: Never appointed his brother Billy to the Supreme Court. 

CHARLES EVANS HUGHES (Lost to Wilson)

Gang Affiliation: Republican

Motto: “What a difference a full night’s sleep makes.”

Nickname: The Man Too Smart To Be President 

Pro: Graduated from the Ivy League’s Brown University at age NINETEEN before going on to Columbia Law School.

Con: Foolishly believed he had defeated President Wilson and went to bed assuming he was the new president. He was shocked at news of his defeat but unlike Hillary Clinton he did NOT snub his own supporters nor did he throw fits about it the rest of his life.

WALTER MONDALE (Lost to Ronald Reagan)

Gang Affiliation: Democrat

Motto: “When does the campaign start? No, seriously … When?”

Nickname: Ol’ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …

Pro: Defeated people who weren’t even running for the presidency by a whopping 17 electoral votes.

Con: His ill-advised campaign pledge to “Bring back the Jimmy Carter years and destroy you bastards for good this time!”

MICHAEL DUKAKIS (Lost to George H.W. Bush)

Gang Affiliation: Democrat 

Motto: “Not even the French army gave tanks as much of a bad name as I did!”

Nickname: Michael Du-ca-ca (Crude and sophomoric – but funny, ya gotta admit!)

Pro: Was the very first extra-terrestrial to run for the United States Presidency. 

Con:  His mutant eye-brows.

GEORGE H.W. BUSH (Lost to Bill Clinton)

Gang Affiliation: Republican  

Motto: “Get re-elected? Not gonna do it! Wouldn’t be prudent!”

Nickname: The National Ninny

Pro: His wife Barbara was like the mother he never had. 

Con: Didn’t strangle his son George W Bush in his cradle.

ROBERT DOLE (Lost to Bill Clinton)

Gang Affiliation: Republican

Motto: “Grnrd fklnn zrmmph shrjqnng ztprb!” 

Nickname: The Walking Dead

Pro: Mastered the art of speaking without EVER using vowels. 

Con: Was the first presidential candidate who should have come with subtitles.

AL GORE (Lost to George W Bush)

Gang Affiliation: Democrat

Motto: “I’ve scheduled my concession speech for around 2042!” 

Nickname: The World’s Rectal Thermometer (Actually, it’s kind of disgusting.)

Pro: Proved 97% of the world’s scientists wrong … It turns out someone COULD lose to a supreme ass like George W Bush. 

Con: Sold his supposedly “green” television network to oil-rich (therefore major fossil-fuel burning) overseas sources for enough money to make him an enormously bloated rich pig. (Prior to that he was just bloated, period.) 

JOHN KERRY (Lost to George W Bush)

Gang Affiliation: Democrat 

Motto: “I don’t hold it against you unsophisticated American hicks for failing to recognize my genius … Actually, yes I do. Cretins.”

Nickname: James Taylor’s Worst Singing Partner

Pro: Has his wife’s millions to fall back on if his own graft money runs out. 

Con: It turns out he lied about the Vietnam War even more than LBJ did!

JOHN “Let’s fight wars all over the world” MCCAIN (Lost to Obama)

Gang Affiliation: Republican 

Motto: “I didn’t spend years in the pockets of the McCain Foundation’s billionaire donors just to watch a candidate even MORE deeply in their pockets beat me … but once Barack did I was happy to kiss his butt!”

Nickname: The Crooked Politician Most Deserving of Contracting Brain Cancer. (Don’t blame me! I’m just the messenger. I can’t help what people called him.) Besides, his nauseating way of behaving like a prick then basically saying “You wouldn’t insult a man who has brain cancer, would ya” was so typical of this bought and paid for Republican worm.

Con: Was often linked to stories about how he collaborated with his North Vietnamese captors to the detriment of his fellow prisoners, some of whom were beaten to death. And refused to okay the unsealing of his POW files despite frequent calls to do so. Hmmmm. 

Plus the hatemongering racist John McCain did more than anyone else to prevent America from having its first African-American president. (Remember the Nazis wearing McCain campaign buttons on Family Guy?)

MITT ROMNEY (Lost to Obama)

Gang Affiliation: Republican

Motto: “Pushing women back to the Fifties … the EIGHTEEN fifties!”

Nickname: The Mormon Mondale/ Ol’ Sploog Face (tie)

Pro: His even more pathetic running mate Paul Ryan actually made him look good by comparison. Well, almost.

Con: Was so thoroughly inept and unappealing he managed to lose to Barack Obama even after voters saw what a disaster he was.

HILLARY CLINTON (Lost to current President Donald Trump)

Gang Affiliation: Democrat 

Motto: “When the money keeps rolling in (to your fake charity), what’s a girl to do? Skim a little (well, quite a lot, actually) off the top for expenses wouldn’t you?” 

Nickname: The Rapist’s Wife/ Crooked Hillary/ Hillary “Bugsy” Clinton

Pro: Her childish refusal to address her own supporters the night Donald Trump utterly humiliated her provided a look at how truly petty, shallow and classless she is. 

Con: She and her fascist followers tried to threaten the members of the Electoral College into casting their votes for her instead of Trump, thereby reaching the absolute lowest and most disgusting level that any American politician has ever sunk to. 

FOR PART ONE OF PRESIDENTIAL WINNERS, WASHINGTON TO CLEVELAND, ROUND ONE, CLICK HERE:   https://glitternight.com/2012/02/19/balladeers-blogs-presidential-pros-and-cons/

FOR ALL 44 CLICK HERE:   https://glitternight.com/2013/02/14/presidential-pros-and-cons-from-balladeers-blog-washington-to-cleveland/

AND FOR MORE OF MY TAKES ON MINDLESS LIBERALS AND MINDLESS CONSERVATIVES CLICK HERE:  https://glitternight.com/category/liberals-and-conservatives/

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