MOCK HEADLINES: OCTOBER 3rd

CAL-BERKELEY ANNOUNCES NEW POST-GRADUATE COURSE IN BOOK-BURNING

CNN ANNOUNCES THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP CANNOT BE RULED OUT AS A SUSPECT IN THE LAS VEGAS SHOOTING

BRAIN-DEAD PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES NOW CLAIM THEY’RE PROTESTING UNTIL WOMEN ARE GIVEN THE RIGHT TO VOTE

… OR BECAUSE THEY WANT TO END PROHIBITION, OR SOMETHING

DEMOCRATS INSIST DR SEUSS BOOKS ARE RACIST WHEN FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP DONATES THEM TO LIBRARIES BUT NOT WHEN MICHELLE OBAMA READS THEM ALOUD TO SCHOOL CHILDREN  

NFL PLAYERS FORM NEW ORGANIZATION CALLED R.A.W.B.A.T. – “RAPISTS AND WOMAN-BEATERS AGAINST TRUMP”

HILLARY CLINTON ACCUSES PRESIDENT TRUMP OF COLLUDING WITH HIS VOTERS TO KICK HER SORRY ASS IN THE 2016 ELECTION 

DEMOCRATS DEMAND INVESTIGATION INTO TRUMP’S ROLE IN RUSSIA SELLING ALASKA TO AMERICA

THE POPE, DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION, PROCLAIMS THAT ISLAM IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF CATHOLICISM

ROGER GOODELL CLAIMS THAT ALL THE RAPES AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE COMMITTED BY NFL ATHLETES WERE DONE AS POLITICAL PROTESTS

NEWS READERS WHO CAN’T LOCATE PUERTO RICO ON A MAP FEIGN OUTRAGE OVER … WELL, THEY’RE NOT SURE WHAT, BUT THEY INSIST IT’S PRESIDENT TRUMP’S FAULT

ESPN RELEASES STATEMENT SAYING THEIR INITIALS NOW STAND FOR “EVERY SPORT POLITICIZED NOW”

HILLARY CLINTON IS STILL NOT PRESIDENT: NATION HEAVES SIGH OF RELIEF