Very moving words from a president I have never believed capable of this type of honesty:
I, Barack Obama, apologize to everyone in the world for your misplaced hope in me, especially that premature Nobel Peace Prize which I have thoroughly failed to live up to. I apologize for giving nuclear weapons capability to the fanatics of Iran. Any and all deaths from Iranian nukes are to be blamed on me and me alone.
I apologize to the world for spawning the Islamic State and I beg all of you to please refer to it as “Obamastan” as a constant reminder of the shame that should forever be attached to me. The Islamic State/ Obamastan’s atrocities were enabled by me and I am very, very sorry.
I apologize to the American voters – both living and dead, legal and illegal – for betraying the trust of that wonderfully diverse group. I have set back race relations in this nation by several decades, especially by spitefully encouraging African-Americans to commit acts of violence against police officers. Even a former member of my own White House staff succumbed to my calls for violence and shot at a law enforcement officer.
I apologize for destroying health insurance for so many working class families. My ego and my fundamental dishonesty drove me to the many lies I told about Obamacare. Please forgive me, though I do not deserve it.
I apologize for repeatedly exploiting the American public’s willingness to support their first African American president. You deserved much, much better than a lying, graft-grabbing, race-baiting, cowardly little worm like me could ever give you wonderful people.
I apologize for betraying the legacy of figures like Frederick Douglas and Martin Luther King, Jr. I sold out and cooperated with the Democratic Party’s fascistic efforts to force all people of color to blindly obey their party. I never disobeyed the whitebread leadership of the Democratic Party and I am incredibly sorry.
I apologize for blaming the victims of Muslim violence for the evil that befell them. I am so frightened when I think about the violence committed by Muslim fanatics that I always try to curry favor with them. This is one of my many failings as a man and as a human being. Please forgive me.
I apologize for refusing to enforce this nation’s immigration laws and I am especially sorry about all the murders and rapes that were committed by assorted criminals from south of the border. The residents of any nation deserve more attention to their safety than I ever provided. Please forgive me.
I apologize for the way my wish to increase the Democratic Party’s rolls caused me to let illegal immigrants spread TB, zika and other diseases throughout the country. All of the deaths from those diseases can be laid at my door.
It will forever haunt me that my only support has come from young people too inexperienced to know better or from elderly 1960s relics like the pathetic Bill Ayers and Angela Davis, two people I should never have taken seriously. Please forgive me for not realizing what petty and spiteful nothings the two of them were.
The world is a much worse place because of my failed presidency and I can only say that I am so very, profoundly sorry. Many have called me weak, inept and crooked or have called me the piece of dogshit stubbornly clinging to the bottoms of history’s shoes. To my eternal shame I deserve to be referred to in such disparaging terms.
I have brought nothing but despair instead of hope, and chains instead of change. Please forgive me.