CUCUMBER CASTLE (1970) – Eight years before the Bee Gees embarrassed themselves on the big screen with a horrible movie forcing a storyline to the Beatles album Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band they embarrassed themselves on the small screen forcing a storyline to their own album Cucumber Castle.
Well sort of. Mostly they just appropriated the title of their song and album Cucumber Castle and fixated on the word “castle” to provide the premise of this 54-minute film made for British television.
Lulu, Spike Milligan, Vincent Price and many more show up in the supporting cast. Sammy Davis, Jr.’s scenes were cut. Or were removed under threats from Sammy’s pal Frank Sinatra. Not so lucky was Eleanor Bron. I can say no more. (See what I did there?)
The musical misfire was directed by Hugh Gladwish … the director of THE GHOST GOES GEAR (1966), reviewed last week here at Balladeer’s Blog. Barry and Maurice Gibb are the credited writers, however, so the “comedy” sketches are only sometimes as bad as those in the 1966 theatrical movie.
Cucumber Castle is so awful that not being in it was presumably brother Robin Gibb’s greatest professional triumph. He had recently left the Bee Gees in a huff to try a solo career, and little Andy Gibb was only twelve years old, so Barry and Maurice, who also produced, were left holding the whoopie cushion bag.
In a fairytale land resembling Elizabethan England, a king (comedian Frankie Howerd) is on his deathbed. Barry Gibb plays Prince Frederick and Maurice plays Prince Marmaduke, the king’s sons.
Not only does Howerd resemble Mel Brooks but his intentionally hammy performance as the dying monarch would fit right into a Brooks comedy. And Peter Blythe’s opening narration contained a couple of reasonably funny jokes, so I briefly dared to hope that this telefilm might be better than its reputation.
That was The First Mistake I Made, to force in the title of a Bee Gees song. Continue reading
PETROCELLI (1974-1976) – Joel Hodgson once observed “You’ve got to light a fire PRET-ee early in the morning to burn Barry Newman.” However, that observation and the 1979 disaster movie that inspired it – City on Fire – have nothing to do with Petrocelli. It’s just the first thing that comes to mind every time Barry Newman’s name comes up. (Well, that and “Chickee chickee boom boom” from that same flick.) 
Viewers would get a Rashomon style account of the episode’s crime from the perspective of both the Defense and the Prosecution. Then, Petrocelli’s investigation would enable him to reconcile the conflicting accounts. 
THE WATCHER (1995) – It seems redundant to refer to a UPN series as forgotten. Or short-lived. Nearly every show that UPN launched in January of 1995 was on and off the air pretty quickly. At 13 episodes, The Watcher was to the new UPN Network what long-lived shows like Gunsmoke were to the established networks. 
The Watcher was an anthology series starring rapper Sir Mix-A-Lot as the title character. The Watcher was a mysterious, quasi-supernatural figure in Las Vegas who had hidden cameras throughout the city, thus allowing him to observe and narrate the grim fates of each episode’s main characters. He hosted from his plush room at the Riviera.
APPOINTMENT WITH ADVENTURE (1955-1956) – This forgotten program from the 1950s presented LIVE performances that were filmed and could be aired as reruns in the future. Appointment with Danger ran for 53 half-hour episodes and featured writers like Rod Serling as well as actors like Paul Newman and Gena Rowlands. If you don’t like black & white, some episodes have been colorized. 
FIVE IN JUDGMENT – Paul Newman and Jack Lord star in this drama about two brothers who take shelter from a storm in a small-town diner filled with other patrons waiting out the dust storm. News reports make the locals suspect that Paul and his brother are a pair of fugitives who just murdered a 16-year-old girl. Patricia Breslin and James Gregory also starred. 
NERO WOLFE (1959) – This was a failed pilot for a potential series about Rex Stout’s iconic detective – the rotund, snobbish but brilliant Nero Wolfe, portrayed by Kurt Kasznar. William Shatner played Archie Goodwin, the affable leg man for his reclusive boss. 
The chemistry between Kasznar and Shatner was remarkable, and at just 26 minutes without commercials, this would have been just the right length for each episode without Wolfe’s egotism and impatience with lesser minds wearing out their welcome with viewers. 
THE GYPSY WARRIORS (1978) – Yesterday I reviewed the godawful 
This 1978 tv-movie starts out by turning “show, don’t tell” on its ear. As bad as the opening of The Chinese Typewriter was, the opening to this World War Two snoozer is even worse. The beginning devotes FOURTEEN entire minutes of the 76-minute runtime to a portentous announcer merely narrating as we see mismatched footage of hands, arms and the backs of heads plus second unit film of buildings, airplanes and vehicles.
THE CHINESE TYPEWRITER (1979) – It’s tough to remember the time before Tom Selleck was a tv megastar. His looks made him stand out and he had “future success” written all over him. He even showed he had a knack for comedy when he made two appearances on The Rockford Files as the annoyingly perfect and cliche-ridden detective Lance White. (“I’m okay, Jim. It’s just a flesh wound.”) 
With those writing and directing pedigrees behind the project you should have been able to smell several seasons, big money and some Emmy Awards in the offing. 
MRS. COLUMBO (1979-1980) – During its brief 13-episode run of hour-long episodes, this detective series – produced by Fred Silverman – was also titled Kate the Detective, Kate Callahan and Kate Loves a Mystery. Much Ado About Nothing might have been a more fitting title given all the energy expended trying to make this Kate Mulgrew program a success, but for so little return. 
BEARCATS! (1971) – This unique action-adventure series was set in the American West of 1914 and starred Rod Taylor (who also produced) and Dennis Cole as renowned trouble-shooters who commanded huge fees for their services. “If you can put a price on it, you don’t need them badly enough” was the program’s tagline. 
PILOT MOVIE: POWDERKEG (April 16th) – Mercenary trouble-shooters Hank Brackett (Rod Taylor) and Johnny Reach (Dennis Cole) are hired by a railroad tycoon to rescue 73 hostages being held aboard a moving train. Their captors are led by a Mexican bandit chief who demands his brother’s release from prison in exchange for the hostages. Guest stars were Michael Ansara, Fernando Lamas, Luciana Paluzzi and Tisha Sterling. 
DANGEROUS ASSIGNMENT (1952) – Brian Donlevy, famous as Professor Quatermass in a pair of movies, starred as secret agent Steve Mitchell. He received his missions from a man called “The Commissioner” (Herb Butterfield). 
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