Category Archives: Bad and weird movies

R100 (2013): A JAPANESE CULT FILM

R100R100 (2013) The title means “Restricted for everyone under 100 years of age.” But that’s meant tongue-in- cheekly. Trust me, this is a J-film  that doesn’t compromise yet still won’t gross out more mild viewers.

It’s no secret that the Japanese churn out some of the most watchably weird movies in the entire world. Trouble is it’s often hard to get a lot of cinephiles to share these little gems with you because some people can’t stomach movies featuring grotesque bodily modifications, tentacled creatures committing rape or people eating aborted fetuses like dumplings.  

Even those people will be able to sit all the way through R100. This little honey is largely a conceptual assault instead of a parade of gore, and is actually milder than most R-rated horror films these days.

In fact the movie has more in common with horror than erotica despite its joyously off-kilter premise. That premise: a middle-aged Japanese salesman named Katayama signs a contract with a worldwide S&M business. That contract permits them to have their black-clad, whip-wielding beauties turn up at any time they please to smack around, kick and humiliate the protagonist. Continue reading

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THE MUMMY AND THE CURSE OF THE JACKALS (1969)

Mummy and the Curse of the JackalsBy request here’s an encore presentation of one of my most popular reviews of a bad movie.

THE MUMMY AND THE CURSE OF THE JACKALS (1969) – Category:A neglected bad movie classic that deserves a Plan 9-sized cult following     Depending on which film book you read this movie either did or did not have any theatrical release but thankfully it’s available on video. Part of the bad movie fun is provided by how poorly lit some scenes are, even though that prevents us from getting better looks at 1960’s Las Vegas, where the story takes place. In this film Anthony Eisley portrays an archaeologist who, hilariously enough, can’t pronounce the word “archaeological” (he says “arkological”). He also refuses to clean the cobwebs out of his house for some reason, which can be pretty distracting in some scenes.

Like an idiot, he willingly brings the title “curse” upon himself and begins nocturnal transformations into a were-jackal so goofy looking he could pass for the mascot of a sports team. And check out Eisley’s pasty-white neck skin showing under the awkward jackal mask he’s wearing on his face. Eventually Eisley finds himself vying with the fattest mummy in human memory for the affections of an undead Egyptian Princess named Acana. 

Said mummy (who is so bulky you could swear they’ve got Tor Johnson wrapped up in those bandages) has a face that looks like a cross between Popeye the sailor man and the Toxic Avenger. Said Princess is under orders from the goddess Isis herself (in a joyously demented cameo appearance) to revive the worship of the ancient deities and provide them a home and a temple in the Mojave Desert.

Other characters include Eisley’s bland friend Bob and Bob’s blander girlfriend Donna, plus the man who may have appeared in more movies than Bronson Canyon itself, John Carradine, who plays Eisley’s one-time mentor. Continue reading

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BLOOD (1974)

Blood!BLOOD (1974) – Category: Laughably, enjoyably bad, but not fun-bad enough for my highest rating.         This movie is by Andy Milligan, so bad movie buffs know what to expect.  This time out our Staten Island auteur gives us a story about the son of the wolfman and the daughter of Dracula being a married couple. No, it’s not the premise for a wacky new sitcom, it’s an actual attempt at a horror film.

Wolfie Jr is trying to ween his undead bride off her addiction to human blood by substituting a sap produced by his man-eating plants (He creates these plants in his botanical laboratory so he’s both a werewolf and a mad scientist all wrapped up in one)

Trouble is, those plants only produce that sap after devouring a human victim, so what’s the difference? Somebody still winds up dead just to keep this high-maintenance bride nourished. Wolfie Jr could eliminate the middle man by just letting his wife bite people’s necks old-school! Of course, if he did that, we wouldn’t have this movie, and I’ll let you decide for yourself if that’s a Continue reading

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INVADERS FROM MARS (1953) ON THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT

Invaders from MarsBefore MST3K there was … The Texas 27 Film Vault!

In the middle 1980s, way down on Level 31 Randy Clower and Richard Malmos, machine-gun toting Film Vault Technicians First Class hosted this neglected cult show.

Balladeer’s Blog continues its celebration of the program’s THIRTIETH  anniversary year.

ORIGINAL BROADCAST DATE: Saturday June 7th, 1986 from 10:30pm to 1:00am.

Atom Man vs SupermanSERIAL: Before showing and mocking Invaders from Mars our members of the Film Vault Corps (“the few, the proud, the sarcastic”) showed and mocked an episode of the 1950 Columbia serial Atom Man vs Superman. Kirk Alyn starred as Superman with Lyle Talbot as his archenemy Lex Luthor. Lex has his own secret identity in this serial – each episode he dons a lead mask and oversees the villainy as “Atom Man”.

This was one of the liveliest and most campily watchable serials of the 50s. Especially laughable are the bits when Superman “flies” – an effect achieved by switching from live footage of Kirk Alyn to INSERTED CARTOON FOOTAGE of Superman flying. Think of the ‘Toons in Roger Rabbit interacting with the live backgrounds and you have the idea.

A behind the scenes photo of Laurie Savino, who held the rank of Mystery Clip Technician in the Film Vault Corps.

A behind the scenes photo of Laurie Savino, who held the rank of Mystery Clip Technician in the Film Vault Corps.

FILM VAULT LORE: This week Laurie Savino, who held the rank of Mystery Clip Technician in the Film Vault Corps once again presented Channel 27’s Movie Ticket Giveaway.

Correctly identifying the Mystery Clip this time around would win a few lucky viewers tickets to the upcoming release of the 1986 remake of Invaders from Mars, starring Karen Black. 

HOST SEGMENTS/ COMEDY SKETCHES – One of the comedy bits Randy and Richard injected into the film this time involved Jimmy Hunt, who played David Maclean, the child hero of the movie.

Whenever Hunt would say something harmless like “Gee Whiz” the Film Vault Guys would bleep part of it to make it sound like the kid had said “Jesus” and was getting censored. And so it went throughout the movie. Little Jimmy – but, hilariously, NONE of the adults, would occassionally get bleeped misleadingly as if cursing like a sailor.

That is one foul-mouthed little boy!

That is one foul-mouthed little boy!

A word beginning with “sh” would be bleeped like Jimmy was saying “shit”, a word beginning with “f” would be bleeped like Jimmy was saying “fuck”, multi-syllable “m” words would be bleeped like he was saying “motherfucking”. It was like a more adult throwback to the old “Cleveland-style” of movie hosting, dating back to the legendary Ghoulardi (Ernie Anderson). 

THE MOVIE: Invaders from Mars is a very fun-bad movie complete with cheap and unconvincing 1950s special effects, stiff and unbelievable characters and a groan-inducing finale. Some elderly critics praise this movie nostalgically and try to present it as a metaphor for anti-Communist paranoia, like the more-deserving Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Anybody who didn’t see this thing as a child in 1953 tends to view it more realistically: as a kitschy relic of its era, entertaining but hardly thought-provoking.  Continue reading

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THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT: TWO FOR FRONTIERADO

Frontierado is coming up tomorrow, August 7th! Here’s a brief look at two films presented on The Texas 27 Film Vault that match the old west theme of this holiday season. Randy Clower and Richard Malmos were the hosts.

A movie guaranteed to contain absolutely NO accurate information.

A movie guaranteed to contain absolutely NO accurate information.

FRONTIER MARSHAL (1939)

Original Broadcast Date: Saturday October 25th, 1986 from 10:30pm to 1:00am.

Serial: An episode of Mysterious Doctor Satan was shown before the movie. This 1940 serial presented the title villain trying to take over the world with a big, goofy robot while being opposed by a masked superhero called Copperhead.  

Movie: Frontier Marshal is notorious as the LEAST historically accurate depiction of the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral. Randolph Scott starred as Wyatt Earp with Cesar Romero as Doc Holliday. Nobody can pronounce Doc’s name right, plus he’s presented as a Medical Doctor instead of a dentist. Meanwhile Doc himself starts out the film drinking only milk. (?)

Randy (right) and Richard way down on Level 31 hosting The Texas 27 Film Vault

Randy (right) and Richard way down on Level 31 hosting The Texas 27 Film Vault

No Clantons or McClaurey’s are to be found anywhere, nor are Wyatt’s brothers. Doc is shown getting killed off BEFORE the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral even happens! To top it all off the famous gunfight takes place at night for no apparent reason and Wyatt’s only ally in the battle is a saloon girl who had a crush on Doc. Bad craziness all around in this little honey.   Continue reading

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THE WILD, WILD WEST REVISITED (1979)

Wild Wild West RevisitedTHE WILD WILD WEST REVISITED (1979) – Frontierado is this Friday, August 7th.

A better title for this Wild Wild West telefilm would have been Night of the Half-Assed Reunion Special. (For non-fans of this old Robert Conrad show let me explain: every episode of The Wild Wild West bore the title “Night of the Such and Such”, just like every Man from U.N.C.L.E. episode was titled “The Such and Such Affair” and every Friends episode was called “The One with Such and Such.”)

The original 1965-1969 television series starred the athletic and charismatic Robert Conrad as Jim West, a Secret Service Agent in the 1800’s American West. His cover was that he was a high-stakes gambler/ gunfighter who traveled in his own private train car. Ross Martin portrayed his hammy professional actor sidekick, Artemus Gordon.

The Wild Wild West was a genuine classic, combining James Bond/ Napoleon Solo spy antics with the gunplay and mis en scene of the best Westerns. Jim West was forever saving the country – and sometimes the world – from a long line of suave or at least colorful villains. Those villains inevitably had sultry female accomplices, about eighty percent of whom seemed to be played by Michelle Carey.    Continue reading

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CURSE OF THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN (1974)

CURSE OF THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN (1974) – This neglected beauty twists a classic horror story in a way that even Paul Naschy himself must have stood in awe of.

The Washington Irving tale set in Sleepy Hollow gets transplanted to the American West, and instead of a Hessian soldier beheaded by a cannonball this Headless Horseman is  Continue reading

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FROGS (1972) ON THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT

Frogs (1972)Before MST3K there was … The Texas 27 Film Vault! In the middle 1980s, way down on Level 31 Randy Clower and Richard Malmos, machine-gun toting Film Vault Technicians First Class hosted this neglected cult show. Balladeer’s Blog continues its celebration of the program’s THIRTIETH  anniversary year.

ORIGINAL BROADCAST DATE: Saturday July 5th, 1986 from 10:30pm to 1:00am. 

Atom Man vs SupermanSERIAL: Before showing and mocking Frogs our members of the Film Vault Corps (“the few, the proud, the sarcastic”) showed and mocked an episode of the 1950 Columbia serial Atom Man vs Superman. Kirk Alyn starred as Superman with Lyle Talbot as his archenemy Lex Luthor. Lex has his own secret identity in this serial – each episode he dons a lead mask and oversees the villainy as “Atom Man”.

This was one of the liveliest and most campily watchable serials of the 50s. Especially laughable are the bits when Superman “flies” – an effect achieved by switching from live footage of Kirk Alyn to INSERTED CARTOON FOOTAGE of Superman flying. Think of the ‘Toons in Roger Rabbit interacting with the live backgrounds and you have the idea.  

FV1985002HOST SEGMENTS/COMEDY SKETCHES: Randy and Richard’s interview with Sam Elliott, conducted at Ben Johnson’s ranch, was shown. Elliott was also one of the stars of Frogs

THE MOVIE: Frogs was another low point in the career of Ray Milland, along with The Thing With Two Heads, shown previously on The Texas 27 Film Vault. Pollution was to cheap monster movies of the 70s what atomic radiation was to cheap monster movies of the 50s. In other words it was the catch-all explanation for anything and everything. In this movie’s case pollution, which Ray Milland’s corporations are heavily guilty of, is to blame for wild animals (NOT just frogs, despite the movie’s title) going berserk and viciously attacking human beings.    Continue reading

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WELCOME TO BLOOD CITY (1977)

Welcome to Blood CityFrontierado is coming up on Friday, August 7th!

WELCOME TO BLOOD CITY (1977) Even for a Weird Western, this baby is OUT THERE! The best way to describe it is like a cross between Westworld and the original Patrick McGoohan series The Prisoner.

The opening will likely remind people of the television series Lost with our heroes, led by Keir Dullea, finding themselves in a strange landscape  dressed in prison garb with no recollection of what circumstances led them to this plight. They eventually are rounded up and taken to Blood City, a town straight out of the Ollllllllld West. Continue reading

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BILLY THE KID VS DRACULA (1966) ON THE TEXAS 27 FILM VAULT

Billy the Kid vs DraculaBefore MST3K there was … The Texas 27 Film Vault! In the middle 1980’s, way down on Level 31 Randy Clower and Richard Malmos, machine-gun toting Film Vault Technicians First Class hosted this neglected cult show. Balladeer’s Blog continues its celebration of the program’s THIRTIETH  anniversary year.

Welcome to a special Frontierado Season look at this neglected cult show! And remember, Frontierado is Friday August 7th!

ORIGINAL BROADCAST DATE: Saturday May 18th, 1985 from 10:30pm to 1:00am. 

Phantom EmpireSERIAL: Before showing and mocking Billy the Kid vs Dracula our members of the Film Vault Corps (“the few, the proud, the sarcastic”) showed and mocked an episode of the Mascot Serial The Phantom Empire (1935). 

In that classically campy serial Gene Autry played a singing cowboy who saves the world from  an  advanced underground civilization that comes complete with killer robots who wear cowboy hats.

FILM VAULT LORE: Special thanks to my fellow Vaultie “King Vita” for the date of this episode. He also passed along the info that he was already obsessed with western movies, serials and television shows by this point in the 1980’s.

The King recalls that he got all excited because he assumed the coincidental “all-western” theme of this episode of The Texas 27 Film Vault, along with the “Texas” part of the title, meant that every episode would focus exclusively on westerns. (Ken Miller’s recurring character Tex probably added to his mistaken impression.) Needless to say he learned he was wrong by the following episode but still fell in love with the show. 

A behind the scenes photo of Laurie Savino, who held the rank of Mystery Clip Technician in the Film Vault Corps.

A behind the scenes photo of Laurie Savino, who held the rank of Mystery Clip Technician in the Film Vault Corps.

FILM VAULT CORPS: Here is another photo of Laurie Savino, whose rank in the fictional Film Vault Corps was “Mystery Clip Technician” for the trivia contests based on quick clips of movies previously shown by Randy and Richard.

Sometimes the prizes would be movie ticket give-aways sponsored by Channel 27 and other times would be items like the Randy and Richard action figures. Laurie was also featured on The Texas 27 Film Vault 3-D poster (another of the give-aways) and the occassional newspaper article about the program.   

THE MOVIE: Billy the Kid vs Dracula is one of the most notorious Golden Turkeys of all time and was directed by the legendary William “One Shot” Beaudine. Beaudine got his nickname for his commitment to using just one take for each scene, no matter how good or bad. And by this point in his career – which reached back to the days of silent movies – there were a lot more bad takes than good.  Continue reading

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