Balladeer’s Blog’s sources in the industry – and by the industry I mean the business – have leaked to me the wording of the opening crawl for the next Star Wars movie.

Dark Rey“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away … 


DEJA VU! Rey Skywalker has fallen to the Dark Side! Rechristening herself Empress Palpatine she single-handedly conquered every inhabited world in dozens of galaxies. On the second day she conquered even more!

Using heretofore unknown Force abilities, Empress Palpatine altered the fabric of reality itself to the point where no one alive even remembers a time when she was not the unquestioned ruler of thousands of planets.

Not content with the mind-boggling power she already possesses, Rey the First plans to raise herself to full godhood! To that end she has created a new planet in a solar system remote from most of the universe’s advanced civilizations. This planet will be the home of billions of life forms which will worship her as the one true god.

Empress Palpatine has decreed that her newly created world will some day be known as … EARTH!

A rogue male force user named Loo Sih Furr, jealous of Rey’s achievement, plots to bring untold misfortunes to the planet and life-forms created by Empress Palpatine …”

That’s about all I know at this point, except for the fact that this Star Wars trilogy will be the biggest and best of them all and will, in fact, be a four-film trilogy. Because Rey can make four films a trilogy instead of a tetralogy as those bound by mere mathematics would be limited to.       




Filed under humor


  1. I really like your blog. A pleasure to come stroll on your pages. A great discovery and very interesting blog. I’ll come back to visit you. Do not hesitate to visit my universe. See you soon. Happy Holidays.

  2. Agregado: ¡Cosas que desconocía!

  3. Isaac

    Great post! Rey conquering galaxies in a single day is par for the course.

  4. Missy

    YES! The fandom menace would love this!

  5. Glenn

    The next day joke was great!

  6. Remy

    This was too funny!

  7. Tepo

    The sequel trilogy was the best Star Wars movies ever.

  8. Jay G

    Rian Johnson is feverishly working on this script now.

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