Welcome back to Balladeer’s Blog, the only site on the web that equally criticizes both Liberals and Conservatives. Here is the transcript of my recent interview with the Democratic Party Jackass, the symbol of their organization.
Balladeer’s Blog: Right off the top, what are your thoughts on the upcoming midterms?
Democratic Party: Well, our greatest weakness is being associated with Barack Obama, who is an albatross we’ll try to increasingly separate ourselves from. I gather you noticed how some of our Congressional candidates are even refusing to say if they voted for Little Barry in 2008 and 2012.
BB: I have, but don’t worry – the networks have been avoiding covering that fact.
DP: (laughs) Yeah, thankfully the Republicans were so stupid they decided long ago not to spend the money necessary to keep up with us in the media arms race. Anything at all damaging to our candidates is always confined to the boondocks of Fox News Channel and talk radio.
BB: I agree that Obama’s your biggest weakness headed into the midterms but what would you say is your biggest strength?
DP: (more laughter) What do YOU think? The fact that we get to go up against an outdated, clueless pack of fools like the Republican Party! Those morons are still following the advice of Karl “The Hutt” Rove despite being led into defeat by him in 2012. Remember his election-eve predictions of a landslide win for Romney? Any serious party would have cut off all contact with – and fees to – an idiot like that but the Republicans are so trapped in their old way of doing things good ol’ Karl is still there, calling the shots. (laughs again)
BB: You have a good point about that. They still haven’t fixed their Primary Voting procedure to prevent registered Democratic voters from crossing over to help select weak Republican candidates for the general election.
DP: You got it! Life is good when your only effective competition is that strategically clueless.
BB: Speaking of strategy, could you distill the Democratic Party’s political strategy in one sentence?
DP: Sure – “Oppressing people while posing as the oppressed”! Machiavelli himself would envy what we’ve accomplished! (laughs again)
BB: You seem in good spirits despite the way even the Democratic Party’s own Washington Post is predicting a Republican takeover of the Senate in November.
DP: (shrugs) Yeah, well, I’ll believe that when I see it. The Republicans (laughs again) often blow seats they think are safe so if they emerge after the election with even the bare majority of 51 seats I’ll be a bit surprised. And don’t forget, with the legal challenges we have planned and the demand for recounts in VERY close races it may be a long time before the nation even KNOWS who won the Senate. And besides we –
BB: How do – I’m sorry – go ahead …
DP: I was about to say that even if those lunkheads DO grab both Houses of Congress WE still have an insurmountable lead in media outlets. The Democratic Party can always rely on the Republicans to be too terrified to do ANYTHING we don’t want them to do because they know every media outlet except Fox and talk radio will crucify them!
Hell, if the Republicans (stifles a laugh) had even HALF the number of outlets we do the peasants would have been calling for Obama’s impeachment long ago! As a MINIMUM he never would have gotten reelected, but like I say, it’s good to go up against such imbeciles. Bad news for our side never gets out to the general population and good news for THEIR side never gets out to anybody except people who already agree with them and are tuning in to Fox or talk radio.
BB: If you’re in this good a mood facing the possibility of losing the Senate I can’t imagine how great you’ll feel if the Republicans DO fail to take the Senate.
DP: Tell me about it! If that Wednesday morning we’re looking at a Senate that’s STILL in Democratic hands despite the horrible economy, ebola, Benghazi, IRS-Gate, illegal immigration pushback, the premature withdrawal from Iraq, etc, do you know what the sweetest part of that victory will be?
BB: No, what?
DP: Watching the Republicans go through ANOTHER cycle of post-defeat soul-searching and insisting they have to change their message! (laughs so hard he coughs, then laughs some more before composing himself) MORONS! “Change their message?” They don’t have any way of knowing how the voters feel about their CURRENT message! Nobody ever HEARS their real message, they just hear our side’s distorted version of their message. Again, that enormous media advantage cannot be beaten! Especially when your opponents are so clueless.
BB: I’ll bet controlling NPR and PBS is especially effective.
DP: You’re damn right, son! Through them the goddamn TAXPAYERS foot the bill for much of our Party’s political advertisements disguised as news broadcasts! Meanwhile the Republicans think they had a good week if Jonathan Stewart says ONE bad thing about the Democrats.
BB: Is this media advantage the way you’ve been able to convince so much of the public to cling to the old paradigm under which the Republicans were the party of bloated rich pigs and Democrats supposedly supported the poor and the working class?
DP: Abso- goddamn – lutely! Money follows power and once the “bloated rich pigs” as you call them realized we had more political savvy than the Republicans (laughs again) the contributions increased. Soon WE were the ones getting more Wall Street money than the Republicans. It works out well for the rich, too. Donate to Republicans and you’re an “evil” billionaire – donate to the Democrats and you get lots of publicity about how “socially conscious” you are and similar terms. That media advantage pays dividends in all kinds of ways, even helping your donors get positive publicity!
BB: Okay, I’ll stipulate going foward that the Democratic Party’s insurmountable media advantage is a huge part of your electoral success. So, assuming that your side gets to spin all of the following issues whichever way you want to most of the population let’s see what your real opinion is on a series of hot-button topics.
DP: Hit me.
BB: Illegal immigration.
DP: (laughs) Damnit, young fella, can you name ANY other country in the world with a citizenry SO browbeaten and defeated that they would – ONE – Let MILLIONS of illegals stream across a border that REMAINS open … TWO – Provide driver’s licenses and in-state tuition for them and their kids … THREE – Allow them to vote by not requiring voter i.d. … FOUR – Fail to deport them after they commit crimes … FIVE – Give ’em free health care and lots of other public assistance and SIX – Continue to bow their heads in shame for even BRINGING UP the fact that those people are here illegally?
BB: No. No I can’t.
DP: You betcher ASS you can’t, son! Those illegal people are the FUTURE of this here country, not the human doormats who were born here! Hitch your wagon to THEM if you want my advice. You’d have to be a fool to think the pussies in this country are worth getting yourself riled up over. Hell, we Democrats don’t even have to PRETEND to care about working-class people who were born here anymore. With the illegals on our side we got unbeatable numbers and the only issue we ever have to talk about is what nasty bigots Americans are if they don’t want millions of illegals causing working wages to plummet!
BB: So is the Democratic Party interested only in its own future, not the future of the country?
DP: What country? Shit, kid, believe you me the Democratic Party is gonna outlive this piece of shit country called the USA and will still be a power in whatever the hell this geopolitical entity is called a hundred years from now.
BB: Okay, let’s move on – African Americans.
DP: Never forget the Democratic Party and its historic connection to the secessionist movement and the Ku Klux Klan! After the war the Republicans used black people as a club to beat us over the head with for several long decades. We wised up and decided to outdo them at using them as nothing but political props. Democratic President Lyndon Johnson said something to the effect of “We’ll have them nigras voting Democratic for the next 200 years!” So, we just co-opted the Civil Rights Movement and rewrote history to the point where people always think the bad guys in the Civil War were the Republicans! (more laughter) Remember that college last year that put up that Lincoln statue or whatever and claimed he was a DEMOCRAT?
BB: So there’s no sincerity in the Democratic Party’s approach?
DP: Hell no, kid, we race-bait like the plantations were still in operation and it’s worth gold at the ballot box! Why get off a winner?
BB: Okay, how about ebola?
DP: Give us a few weeks and we’ll have people blaming the Republicans for it. Fuck the dead victims. We’ll get their votes anyway. (laughs some more)
DP: Little Barry’s aerial circus is a great way to be pretending to do something until the mid-terms are over. After that we’ll see which way the wind is blowing. Of course, you realize that the Democratic Party’s position is that we will NEVER permit the United States to win a war ever again. All we have to do is beat the old Vietnam War drum over and over and, just like in Iraq, it doesn’t matter how much progress was made or what will happen to our allies the Democratic Party will ALWAYS ensure a premature withdrawal and act like we never should have fought in the first place. It’s another winning political strategy, boy.
BB: What about the men and women who are fighting those wars?
DP: Damnit, I though you were brighter than that! The Democratic Party doesn’t give a shit about the men and women who fight our wars except as political props when they get killed! What we want is to keep clinging to the safe position that it’s wrong to ever actually DO something. Just hang back and inevitably the other side realizes we won’t let the U.S. win and they keep on fighting. That way our soldiers keep dying and we can pretend only “callous warmongers” and “chicken hawks” would keep the conflict going. (laughs)
BB: Common Core?
DP: A political masterstroke, young fella! The opposition’s rank and file were getting too wise to our use of the educational system to browbeat our political opinions into youngsters. Hell, them homeschoolers are a particular threat. Common Core helps us nip the uprising in the bud! Common Core math in particular is such a load of horseshit that even the kids’ parents can’t help ’em make heads or tails out of it. Only the teachers can, which helps insert the teachers in between the kids and their parents. Plus, if we can make Common Core math required to get into college then homeschoolers will have no choice but to turn their kids back over to the secular clergy called American teachers. Their kids’ asses are OURS boy!
BB: Originally this was going to be an interview with both you and the Republican Elephant. Care to tell the readers what happened?
DP: (laughs) I told him the interview wasn’t until next week and he believed me! I think some Republican voters tried warning him that I was setting him up again but that moron always believes me over his own voters! I’ve got that fool convinced that I’m more interested in his well-being than they are!
BB: Well, I’ll see if I can re-schedule him for next week. Any closing words?
DP: Sure! I guarantee that even if the Republicans win in a historical blowout they’ll be too spineless to actually USE their Constitutional powers! We’ll still be running roughshod over them! Hee Heeeee!
BB: Thanks for your time, DP.
DP: No problem!
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