BAD MOVIES: MORE BRUCEPLOITATION KUNG FU FILMS

Previously, Balladeer’s Blog reviewed various examples of Bruceploitation Movies, that odd subgenre full of martial arts spectacles exploiting and otherwise trying to cash in on the explosion of popularity in kung-fu films that the real Bruce Lee brought to the west.

I examined The Clones of Bruce Lee, about three clones made from the dead Bruce’s cell samples; The Dragon Lives Again, about Bruce fighting his way back from the Afterlife; and Fist of Fear, Touch of Death, in which a tournament to crown Lee’s successor features moves like tearing out your opponent’s eyeballs in what the film calls “a dazzling piece of showmanship.”

Here are some more of the weirdest, most bottom of the barrel Bruceploitation productions ever made.

BRUCE, KUNG FU GIRLS (1977) – Also released as Bruce’s Angels, Bruce Lee’s Kung Fu Girls and several other titles, but I have a soft spot for this more inane title selection. I really hope that movies titled Bruce, Gone with the Wind; Bruce, Whose Life is it Anyway? and Bruce, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues also exist. But as we’ve established, I’m kind of weird.

Taiwan’s Sweetheart Polly Shang Kwan stars as Polly, who works as a martial arts instructor at a health resort. When her police superintendent uncle is at wit’s end dealing with the reign of terror of a criminal who can turn invisible, Polly gets called in to help the force take him down.

Bruce, Polly has her four best female students join her in this elite crimefighting unit as she romances the young scientist who made the stolen invisibility formula, lip-synchs (horribly) to a pop song and guards a moon rock so that it doesn’t get stolen. Bruce, this flick is a head-shaker.

BRUCE LEE VERSUS GAY POWER (1975) – From the ridiculous title on through the end credits, this Psychotronic film legend features graphic violence and sexual assaults alternating with the most cosmically idiotic attempts at broad humor imaginable.

For starters, the countryside is being ravaged by a gang of absurdly effeminate martial artists who shave their legs, paint their nails, wear their hair in curlers and don outfits so gaudy even Liberace would have told them to tone it down a little.

The villains also sport numbers on the backs of their flamboyant fighting outfits, football team style. Lest that seem too butch for you, rest assured they also do fabulous dance numbers like they’re performing show tunes. And as I mentioned above, bits like this are punctuated by them terrorizing innocent villagers in graphic detail.

Just as your brain is melting down at all this next-level tastelessness we see that these supposedly gay warriors like to hang out with sexy and often topless babes in a very hetero seeming way. Well, except for the one guy who seems to really commit to the gay bit. 

This flick’s “Bruce” wears a t-shirt advertising David Carradine’s tv series Kung Fu. Our hero saves the populace from the depredations of the odd villains by outfighting them all, sometimes in hilariously sluggish slow-motion scenes.

P.S. In 2011 I reviewed the gay biker film The Pink Angels. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Dan Haggerty wearing lipstick and with ribbons in his hair.

BRUCE LEE THE INVINCIBLE (1978) – Actually, if the people behind this movie were being honest, they would have titled it Bruce Lee vs Native Americans and a Gorilla. No, they would have titled it Bruce Li vs Native Americans and a Gorilla, since it features Bruceploitation pretender Bruce Li (as opposed to his counterparts Bruce Le, Bruce Lei, Bruce Lai and others from these films). 

Well hell, actually they would have titled this little honey Cheap Imitator Bruce Li isn’t Even the Star – He’s the Sidekick. But since all of us fans of bad movies would buy it anyway, there’s no real point in my bringing all that up. Sorry.

A Shaolin master throws out an impatient, cruel student who goes on to become a Malaysian crimelord. He kills who he pleases and sleeps with all of his men’s wives and girlfriends just to rub it in their faces that he can kick their asses if they try to do anything about it. (Psst, guys! Invest in a rifle.)

Despite his nonstop atrocities, it’s not until our villain preys upon a pair of cousins who seem to have a weird Luke and Leia thing going on that the people bother to act. They summon the crimelord’s former master, who shows up with his sidekick Bruce Li. 

Bruce assists the master against the man’s thugs as well as, for no reason at all, some Asians dressed up as Native Americans who fight with spears. Hey, why not? Even the gorilla that attacks next makes sense compared to them. Anyway, the good guys win. The end. 

BRUCE LEE VS SUPERMEN (1975) – Remember how Bruce Lee played Kato, the crimefighting partner of the Green Hornet on television in the 1960s? Well, Brucepersonator Bruce Li strikes again in this flick that has him playing the role of Kato.

A benevolent scientist named Dr. Ting develops a formula that he says can end world hunger. The formula works by transforming oil into food, which makes no sense and would be like transforming diamonds into silver or something. You’re just exchanging one precious resource for another.

Dr. Ting gets abducted by villains who want to use the formula to make the world obey them, so his daughter Alice calls the Green Hornet for help. He sends Kato to help her since she’s his girlfriend. (Alice Ting! You make my heart sing! Had to be said.)

Kato sees action in both his regular black costume AND in a red outfit similar to those worn in the “Italian Supermen” film series. Why? Who knows? The villains hire another guy dressed just like that to fight Kato, just to make it even more pointless.

Unable to handle the other red-clad “superman” on top of the bad guy’s soldiers, Kato (also called Carter) summons help from the Green Hornet … who for some reason is now two people. Just go with it because having two Green Hornets help Kato means that our heroes triumph over the villains very quickly and we can all call it a day.   

NOTE: If you’re wondering why I didn’t bother reviewing Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave, that’s because all it features is a brief opening scene in which a lightning bolt strikes Lee’s grave, letting him leap out, ready for action. Then it becomes a film about other characters entirely, not one of whom pretends to be Bruce Lee. Cool poster, though.