NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS FOR LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES

Happy New Year from Balladeer’s Blog, the only site on the web that equally criticizes American Liberals and Conservatives. Here’s my list of recommended New Year’s resolutions for those two groups of shrill children.

* LIBERALS *

* Stop being such hilariously pretentious asses and such cowardly hypocrites.

* Grow a backbone and begin criticizing Islam’s homophobia and misogny as much as they criticize Christianity for those same faults.

* Acknowledge the genuine pain and financial hardship that Barack Obama’s policies have caused and stop callously denigrating the victims of his heartlessness when they speak out.

* Try to remember a time when they were capable of spontaneous human emotions without distorting them through the prism of their bizarre political prejudices.

* Realize that as long as they pretend Al “Tawana Brawley scandal” Sharpton should be taken seriously they are encouraging the racism and bigotry that he embodies.

* Read some history books so they can learn that most other countries have been guilty of AT LEAST as much repulsive behavior as the Western Democracies have.

* Stop acting as if they own African-Americans and begin to respect the fact that they do not need approval from Liberals to hold political opinions that Liberals disagree with.

* Recognize how shallow and immature their worldview is and how that shallowness and immaturity is reflected in the way it is mostly people in their teens and early twenties who mindlessly believe in the self-congratulatory tenets of American Liberalism.

* Knock off their whining about how Youtube is loaded with video evidence of all the imbecilic things Barack Obama has said since they made a point of ridiculing all the imbecilic things George W Bush said. 

* Stop deluding themselves into thinking that they are the only people in the world who are compassionate and caring.

* Accept the fact that people born in the United States are every bit as human as the Muslim terrorists and illegal immigrants that they adore.

* Abandon their ugly policy of “oppressing by posing as the oppressed”.

* Rethink their creepy and fascistic worship of the weak, inept and crooked Little Barry Obama.

* Stop trying to take credit for what previous generations of Liberals had the bravery to accomplish. Siding with them through the benefit of hindsight does NOT mean you would have been brave enough to stand with them back when it was risky to do so. Quite the contrary given your gutless refusal to speak out about Islam’s homophobia and misogyny. 

* Acknowledge the fact that allowing millions of illegal immigrants to continue to just stroll across the border is an issue that impacts the entire nation and it is a legitimate issue of discussion.

. Recognize the fact that their shrill, snobbish pomposity is part of the reason so many people around the world despise America. So is their silly pretence that “micro-aggressions” are anything BUT First World problems that trouble hyper-sensitive emotional cripples and nobody else.

* Abandon the notion that the country would be paradise if Liberals got everything they wanted and there was no opposition party. Detroit and California have had Democratic control for decades with such tiny Republican minorities that Liberals always got their way. The result has been the economic decay and collapse of Detroit and California. 

* Stop pretending it is still the 1960’s and acknowledge that we live in a much different world now. 

 * CONSERVATIVES *

* Stop sniveling and whining about the simple fact that news outlets show political bias and start doing something about it by obtaining more media outlets of their own.

* Grow up and realize that they sound like ridiculous caricatures when they call other people communists and socialists.

* Acknowledge that they have lost the Culture Wars and begin functioning as a counter-culture, which is what they truly are at this point.

* Stop trying to get the ridiculous concepts in the Bible cemented in the actual laws that people have to live by.

* Decide who gets to kill the piece of human refuse named Jeb Bush.

* And Mitt “The Mormon Mondale” Romney.

* Acknowledge that other people’s sex lives are none of their business and accept the notion that if their God really does find other people’s sexual behavior to be wrong then punishment will be inflicted AFTER DEATH and it is not the place of Conservatives to seek to punish those people here in the material world.

* Refrain from watching television shows and movies that will likely upset their 1800’s sensibilities in order to spare the rest of us from their indignant complaints about those shows and movies.

* Grow up and realize that they aren’t getting rid of any social programs in the near future so – even if it’s just for political reasons – they should throw their support behind preserving Social Security, since people have to work for a living to get it. This would allow them to seem less like unfeeling bastards trying to rob the elderly of the small amount of money that can mean the difference between life and death. 

* Stop being such wimps and start flagrantly flouting the laws they disagree with the same way that American Liberals do on a regular basis.

* Stop going berserk over Mexican flags flying at weddings of Mexican immigrants and acknowledge that Italian and Irish weddings often feature flags of Italy and Ireland and it does not represent hatred of the United States.

* Stop calling Little Barry Obama “arrogant” and call him “pompous” instead. Calling someone arrogant makes them sound like a hero from a Gothic romance novel. Calling them pompous is a genuine insult. 

* Wise up and stop letting the comment sections at their own websites be dominated by trolls who enjoy taunting the legitimate commenters.

* Grow a backbone and stop abandoning effective political strategies just because sketch comedy shows ridicule them.  

* When some shallow, brain-dead celebrity says something they actually agree with, they should wait a few days to make sure they don’t apologize for the remark before gushing with praise for the celebrity and declaring them a “Closet Conservative”.

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